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Biomom/baby mom issues

Loveydovey52's picture

First I will begin with short history of my SO and I being together for almost 5 years now. Collectively we have 4 kids together, two of which are skids. This year he made the executive decision for them to live with us full time claiming that their bio mom is unfit. The kids were underweight and the younger has behavioral issues. All the while the entire load is placed upon me, the SAHM who is achieving a degree in Nursing. Fast forward to Christmas Day where she is coming to pick the kids up and their grandmas house where we are all eating and she just lets herself in and the two of them seem to be the best of friends. I am in no way insecure, I just find it so hard to see them this way with all of the hell she puts us through, and all of the crap he talks/claims to feel about her.

My day just feels ruined. I do not want any sort of fake relationship/forced relationship with her. I'm forced to try and have a relationship with the younger skid 4 , whom his mom is his #1. I just find it quite unfair that he treats me however with no form of discipline.  I guess I am in need of a pep talk because at this point I am just ready to say that this is not at all what I want because I do not want any sort of dealings with her AT ALL. I understand this may be immature, however, I have little interest in playing happy face with toxic people with terrible and shorty intentions towards me and their kids. I feel I could be much better alone, with my children without the added stress of this all....


Thanks for reading

The_Upgrade's picture

 I feel I could be much better alone, with my children without the added stress of this all

What does your DH contribute/do to make you feel like you're getting a fair deal out of this relationship? Or are you really better off alone, with your non dysfunctional children without the added stress of it all? It's not ideal that his kids have a crappy mum but it's not your job to make up for that deficiency. Even marrying him knowing he has kids doesn't make it your responsibility to step up when bio parents fail. Bio parents are responsible for their bio kids. 


Loveydovey52's picture

He contributes with some of the needs of the children. And we're working towards getting a house. I don't really have a clear answer on what's fair to me other than I just have school to focus on and no job, though I am not a fan of being the complete caretaker of all 4 children NON STOP. He wants to believe that because she is so terrible that they will just take to me, which I know is not true. We all know it doesn't work like that. He fails to realize that I'm not fill in mom. Even when I express that. I get they are in my household but what I do not get is the inconsistency of efforts to be more than just  dad existing in the home. Of course I'm evil stepmom if I have different views of rules and expectations in the home compared to none at their BM. 

tog redux's picture

Well, there are lots of issues here, poor boundaries with BM being one of them. He decided on this own that he would bring his two kids into your home? And that you would care for them? Are your two kids his kids as well? He doesn't discipline his kids, but expects you to care for them?  Is he receptive to hearing any of your concerns about the arrangement?

I don't blame you for not wanting BM to intrude on your holiday celebration as if it was still her family, but to me, that wouldn't be the straw that broke the camel's back - the other issues would be.

Loveydovey52's picture

Basically the BM was complaining that they don't get enough time with their dad etc. she also took a job working 2nd shift so that is another excuse of "I have to work". When she is supposed to spend time with the kids she refuses to drive the 45 mins to pick them up so that's more added responsibility for me. I just recently began to refuse to take them. I get them up and ready for school daily as well as picking them up, I feel she could do that for one day. She will also just drop them off with various family members rather than spending time with them. These are the things that I am told and with their nutritional issues he decided, we discussed it. But of course I am not going to sit here and refuse to care for his kids because then what kind of person am I? I'm just not sure where the boundaries should lie however it feels like there just absolutely aren't any. I'm expected to do it all. My two are in my home full time, I care for them full time. When I express how things are not feeling fair on my end he just says "I can't make her do anything" which is a slap in the face because in turn HE IS MAKING ME DO EVERYTHING. So I would just like to know am I being insensitive? I am sick of no getting the full answer and feeling like I am crazy/mean for not wanting EVERYONES responsibilities. ALL.THE.TIME.

tog redux's picture

It's not your job to care for his kids.If he agrees to have them there, then HE cares for them, or he pays for daycare.  And he can take her back to court to get full custody and child support from her, which would likely cause her to take them back again.

The boundaries should be around you and your time and energy. I think it's fine to refuse to care for his kids, they aren't yours.

Loveydovey52's picture

I do agree with you 100%!


but at this point how do I slack back what I have already set the bar as being? You know I seem to get more irritated the more I see that he definitely does not assist in any form or fashion when the skids are at their moms. I guess I should do the same when his come back. 

an eye for an eye? :/ 

Winterglow's picture

Did you give up your job? In one of your other posts you said that you have a job for the days when you don't have school. 

Loveydovey52's picture

I still have my job though I rarely work. Ever. There is no time for me to work when I am the one responsible for all of the drop offs and pick ups, dinner, homework, nighttime routine etc. My job begins at 645, Care isn't open until 730 and 8 for my school goers due to COVID. I have voiced my concerns of this being that when I graduate I WILL be having to be present at a job for my career. And he seems to feel that we will handle that when we get there. It's all so frustrating. 

Winterglow's picture

When he says that you will handle that when you get there, please, please, PLEASE say "you're right, they'll all be in daycare."

That is, if you can stand this situation until you qualify.


And don't forget to remind him that taking them to daycare or school is his responsibility. 

Loveydovey52's picture

Taking them to school is indeed his responsibility however he has gotten out of this too because he has to be at his job @0545. And then doesn't return home to about the same time. Shit is so lopsided I am not sure how to not continue without being a total bitch. If I were not here, neither would his kids be. 

weightedworld's picture

You nailed it right there.. "If I were not here, neither would his kids be"

You were the perfect open door for him to get his kids and make his life APPEAR more stable than BMS. 


Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I would suggest at least refusing to have any interaction with BM. You may be willing to accept the children of the man you are with, but you are in no way responsible to maintain any type of relationship with BM. 

I would leave everything to SO to handle.  I flat out refuse to even acknowledge BM. That's SO problem to handle. I enjoy that my presence makes her feel uncomfortable.

Loveydovey52's picture

I too refuse to acknowledge her as well only to hear through their conversation that I have a bad attitude lol I do not care. I'm on thin ice with maintaining a relationship with the kids because I feel I care the most for them and about them. IM NOT THE BIO MOM. I don't think I should be this stressed.

Maxwell09's picture

Men, for whatever sake I've noticed, will put on a fake face when it comes to being in uncomfortable situations with their Exes. So he might not have expected her to stroll right on in but you can speak to him about boundaries and that her helping herself isn't ok with you. Playing fake nice with BM isn't going to work for you. He can either dislike her and put healthy boundaries in place OR he can just go back to pretending they're best buds and be in the relationship they left in the first place. Blurring the boundaries just leads to confusion and disruptions. 

Peach's picture

You are not responsible for everyone all the time.  Here's what I would do.  I would have a serious talk with your DH.  I guess the question would be how he would respond.  I would be willing to have the kids there as long as he starts putting in more effort.  You cannot do it all by yourself, and the point is for him to spend time with HIS kids.  Also, boundaries... BM would not walk into my house EVER.  She just lets herself in, WTH?  That needs to stop immediately.  He needs to maintain a business like relationship with her.  No chitchatting at the door while you are taking care of kids.  Also, he backs you up.  If he disagrees, then he speaks with you in private - never in front of kids.  I do not know if he is paying CS to her, but if they are going to be there more, then he needs to make a change.  No way in hell would I pay her CS and take care of her kids at the same time.  He will need to apply for CS or a modification.  If none of that would work for him, then I would be making a change.  He needs to decide what HE is going to do with his responsibilities. 

Loveydovey52's picture

I have had this talk a few times already. I don't think that ultimatums are fair but I do feel that for my sanity there should definitely be a change. It just get frustrating that the talk gives about a week or so of help..... and then back to the bullshit. I used to just leave on the times that his kids would come because that is the only time he could appreciate all that I do!!! We're supposed to be getting married... and this is really starting to drive a wedge. I feel I am the one constantly trying, growing, becoming better, pushed to limits, while he takes a lashing every several weeks about his slack ass shit. 

how can I draw a line?! 

Metaldude73's picture

I feel your pain with this.  I have always had a strong work ethic.  I believe in everyone pulling their weight, kids and parents alike.  My 2nd marriage that I am currently in now, this is not the case by any means.  I do everything.  I fix everything that breaks, turn off all lights and bathroom fans left on, unclog drains, wash and put away dishes, wash and put away clothes, clean up the house (where and when I am able), run errands for home and kids, yadda yadda.  Poor work ethics and/or lazy people tend to stay that way and expect everyone else to accept them for who they are.  I have done this for almost 6 years now, but it is slowly catching up to me.  I get bent out of shape sometimes and bitch at my wife about her not pulling her weight.  Things will get better for a short period (similar to your week at a time) and then revert back.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  Over and over and over again.

The other bad thing about all of this (at least in my household) is that her Biokids take after what she does, not me.  They leave shit laying around everywhere and leave all the lights on non-stop, where my Biokids don't typically.  It's like there are two different families living under the same roof sometimes.  Very frustrating so I feel your pain, I really do.

Only temporary relief will come at times, when they actually identify that their help is needed and actually provide some.  This is what I do:  I do things for ME.......not her or anyone else.  I keep telling myself this is for my own sanity.  They could care less about any of it.  It breeds resentment be careful.  You'll end up resenting your spouse or significant other so much that every little thing will bother you, and that is toxic.

Loveydovey52's picture

Sorry too see this so late. I feel so much relief that someone else can relate! Can I ask how you are coping with this? I am trying to teach better habits to the kids and DH. It is working slowly but surely. However I still lose my shit here and there. You explained my life to a T.