You are here

BM trying to force contact after no-contact has been established

Gracefulsilver's picture

Ok so this is what I think is odd.  SD15 does all the communication between my SO and BM.  Afterall tha harrassment and drama we put up with for a year and a half we have decided that SD is old enough to establish her own visitation schedule with BM and ride the public bus between homes (20 mins).  My SO even pays for the bus fare and sends money for SD to eat while there (BM is always complaining they have no food because they can't afford it).  SO has informed SD that when she is on the phone with BM to take it off speaker phone so that the conversation remains between SD and BM.  BM insists on being on speaker phone with SD while speaking with her on phone while at home (SO has primary custody).  Then BM continues to constantly in sult and cures about myself and SO.  BM is going nuts because we have finally blocked all contact because of the constant harrassment.  Now BM is using SD to continue to harrass us.  I do not understand her need to act this way.  BM is extremely mad that SO is with me.  BM remarried to the man she cheated on my SO with shortly after they split over 10 years ago.  BM has used racial slur towards me because I am not "white".  Why does BM insist on having my SO single?  And why does BM expect my SO to fill her home with groceries?  The are split and have been for years and BM and her husband do not work.  WHat right does BM think she has to control my SO life and me?  I am tired of the harrassment and drama.  I'm so ready to just tell SD exactly how spitefull, selfish, and cruel she is becoming because of how she is acting just like BM.  It'scoming soon, I know I'm going to pop one day and let it all out.  UGH

tog redux's picture

Your SO has to shut all of it down, from his ex and from his daughter. BM can expect whatever she wants, but SO doesn't have to do any of it.

She can't harass him if he doesn't allow contact. And if SD starts being her mouthpiece, he needs to shut that down too.  This kind of BM is only as successful as she is allowed to be by poor boundaries.

WHY she does it doesn't matter - time to set up clear and firm boundaries with BOTH SD and BM and keep them up.

Gracefulsilver's picture

This is the arguement my SO is having with SD.  SD15 starts whining that taking BM off speaker phone is because he doesn't want SD to talk to BM, we can all guess where this is coming from.  SO keeps telling her talk to her mom all she wants but he does not want to hear it on speaker phone.  SD agrees then goes and does it again the next day over and over and over again. My So cannot take SD's phone away because if he does BM just gets her another phone.  This is just getting out of hand that something needs to be done.

tog redux's picture

Yes - he can take her phone away. And give it back to her when she follows the rules. If BM gives her another phone, he can take that away too.

He can also enforce other consequences for not doing as he asks. He needs to ignore her whining that he doesn't want her to talk to BM, and insist that she either take it off speakerphone, or go to her bedroom if she'd like to use speakerphone. 

Your SO seems like a weak parent.  You don't ARGUE with kids, you tell them what the rules are and what the consequences will be. Yes, with teens, you need to have some negotiation, but not on this issue.

STaround's picture

This is not a good situation.  SO has to accept that he cannot control SD when she is at her moms house.   He should just have neutral type convesations when she is at her moms, and have the more substantive ones when they are together. 

 

ETA -- misunderstood, if calling from dads house, of course he can tell her to call from her room

tog redux's picture

I understood it to be that she is putting it on speaker phone when SD calls BM from HIS house.

STaround's picture

Of course, he can tell her to take off speaker phone or go to her room

Jcksjj's picture

They always go nuts when you go no contact. Itll die down after a bit, but she will probably always pop up again here and there to test boundaries and see if you've lost resolve and she can push her way back in.

That's rough on the 15 year old though. I mean shes old enough to probably get it if shes fairly intelligent, but pressure from parents is hard to withstand and shes still at BMs mercy for a few years. I dont think theres alot you can do though besides support her.

advice.only2's picture

BM and SD know this bothers you are now going to continue to do it, because they know it bothers you.

A. Stop reacting to it, ignore, ignore, ignore.  She has it on speaker phone pretend you are deaf.

B. Start making noise, she's go speaker phone on, turn on the radio LOUD, turn on the T,V. LOUD, make lots of noise banging stuff around.  SD will have to leave the room to be able to hear precious BM.

C. Insert yourself into the conversation and make them uncomfortable.  Start talking to your SO loudly about the amazing sex you had the night before  "Ooops sorry SD didn't see you there with your phone, lol."

 

Gracefulsilver's picture

It is somethign I just ignore but my SO gets loud with the telling her to take it off speaker.  Just tired of listening to it all.  Anymore I just roll my eyes.  I reallydo like your idea of being so noisy she has to leave the room.  The bad part is it echos into every room no matter what room you are in at SO's home.  I'll talk to SO about it.  He is so tired of it he told SD to go back to BM's home if she wants to act like that and BM heard him and went off on another rant.  It just gets so old.

shamds's picture

You ask what gives her the right to demand her exhusband pay for groceries that she should be jointly responsible for? The fact she had his baby? 

What gives her the right to dictate hubby be single, because current wife and girlfriend is taking away money meant for her.

she will constantly use skid as an excuse for why she needs more money but never gets off her arse to provide for their child...

Gracefulsilver's picture

Yes, BM isn't getting a penny and SO sticks to that hard line but we get so sick of the harrassment.  We blocked BM.  Her own counsin bloscked her.  And several friend that knew them when BM and SO were together(over 10 years ago) are blocking her because she starts calling them harrassing them to tell my SO this or that.  Really this is pathetic

Rags's picture

There is no why and no reason for an X to behave as your SO's XW is behaving.  Rather than wonder why, just shred her toxic ass with the facts.  Make sure SD has the facts.  Ever sordid toxic character void fact regarding BM's whoring, adultery, manipulation and her status as a usels entitlement POS.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Kids need the facts in order to protect themselves from that kind of toxic crap from the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool.

smh

Gracefulsilver's picture

I know, the truly sad part is that BM has taught SD to be just like her.  SD does not understant the need to work and is now throwing temper tantrums because my SO refuses to quit his job to stay home with her.  SD is crying how she feels neglected because SO is at work.  SD is really out of control.  If it were my kids I would be taking everything and making them stare at the ceiling without contact with friends.  But then again it isn't my child.