Ridiculous!
Last night being Tuesday DH was on his usual date with OSD. He came back late but didn't go straight to bed, he stayed up after me which never usually happens.
This evening I was off to my craft class so made an early dinner and it was on the table when DH got home. He told me he had to dash off to OSD's because his grandkid's birthday gifts had arrived and he needed to go and wrap them up. I kept very calm, but had to ask why OSD couldn't wrap them. 'Well she could,' he said,'but I volunteered.'
I took another deep breath before giving him a kiss and saying I'd see him later.
When I got back from my class he got up and left to go to OSDs to wrap the gifts.
So for the second evening in a row he went off to OSD's (not around the corner I may add.)
When he got back he brought the unwrapped presents with him! I didn't ask- but then he told me that his weekend would be taken up with- going back to OSD's with the presents, going round to MSDs because it is her partners birthday, and going out with SS for a coffee.
If DH is trying to get to me he is certainly piling it on- but I have plenty to do this weekend and he can go and spend all his time with his beloved brood. I know you say it gets easier, that he'll get sick of the game playing- but just now I feel I'm observing the antics of a teenager and I'm not sure how long it will take before I start to say that I really have had enough.
Is his goal to force you to
Is his goal to force you to re-engage in order to be with him? If I am reading this correctly, it sounds like he has a goal, more related to changing your behavior than the SD's. Most likely because he knows he has zero control and influence over their behavior and believes he has more influence to change you.
I have not followed your entire story, but this sounds like planned manipulation to me, and even possibly punishment, to some degree, if he is unhappy with your decision. You handled it well, however.
What are your thoughts? What is his goal? Is this his usual behavior or have there been any new trigger(s)?
I am feeling the pressure now
I am feeling the pressure now to re-engage- his plan is working well in that regard! It is the grandskids birthday- what usually happens is we treat them in some way- we never go to their parties because that's BM and her coven's place, DH has never interfered in that so we are/were second choice. I do think the control thing has always been a feature of our relationship- a therapist called it velvet handcuffs- but anyone who knows me knows how independent I am.
I think the sad thing is I have lots of friends/activities to do since I moved here to be with him, but he has no friends at all, only his family, although he has lived here all his life.
At the moment I'm on a see-saw- should I go to see them? Should I hold out?
I think his goal is to crack me in some way- he's piled this on before and I was the one who 'pretended' to crack to release the tension- but I'm not doing it this time. I refuse to play the victim so he can make me feel worse, which is what happened before.
This isn't a significant change in his behaviour- it is just becoming more obvious and extreme. There haven't been any triggers to this that I can see- I had a big birthday recently and he felt out of it because I did my own thing. We seem to be pulling in two directions and the elastic is going to snap eventually...
My DH's attitude to his
My DH's attitude to his family is very different to mine. They live close by,he can see them when he wants but he's choosing to see them when I'm home. For example when I was away recently he chose to go see them the night after I returned, and although I was out he chose to go just as I got back. This is silly,childish behaviour to me.
When I buy gifts for my grandkids I'll wrap them and take them. OSD daughter has the gifts at her house, and he 'volunteers' to go wrap them- I find that very odd when he was only there the night before. Also, now he has brought them back unwrapped he needs to take them back at the weekend. If I didn't know better I'd think he was having an affair!
I disengaged from DH's family six/seven months ago and he didn't like it- before that I did lots of things with them but after a weekend away with them I was accused of being 'evil.' They don't like me do they? Why should I waste time on them?
When I first met DH I liked that he clearly cared about his family- I cared about them too, but there is no room for me in that overcrowded family. I've let go.
Yep as per your last blog and
Yep as per your last blog and this one he is trying to get you to blow up and re-engage. Tonight where he didn't wrap presents at all clearly shows he is just looking for an excuse
You need to continue to ignore it and start making some fabulous plans for yourself. Kiss him goodbye cause you off on girls weekend/movies/ lunch/brunch/nails and hair or whatever you like to do. Don't let him see your frustration at all. If he tells you he has to do the weekend with his kids a simple 'that's nice. I am very busy too so at least I know you won't be in my hair' should set him straight
That being said- if this doesn't settle and this is the new normal, well I wouldn't be staying with someone who didn't prioritise me. So maybe plan an exit strategy as well
agree with this here. keep
agree with this here.
keep doing things for your self and by your self.
in the end you will feel better when you know you cant depend on your dh to put you first in his life.
Thank-you, thank-you, thank,
Thank-you, thank-you, thank, you. I know this is what I am doing and it must be working- his behaviour is a reaction to me just getting on and living my life. I do have lots to do at the weekend- I always have other things to do!
I need to read this post over and over the next few days, as I think birthdays are always a crisis point and I am feeling a real pressure to cave in.
If it is the new normal then yes, exit plan has to be formed. I haven't looked at this before as we invested so much money, time and energy into creating the home we have, I have put down roots here however shallow. I would love to be nearer my son but he is miles away, but my home town is an option as housing is very cheap there. Maybe I should get this property valued. It isn't what I want but the nearer DH pushes me to his family the further I will stand back.
pffft ignore DH and his
pffft ignore DH and his school boy ways lol.......
I would turn the game on, just because I'm a witch... I will find myself friends and make sure there's a guy in group pictures... the same one over and over, and if DH asks.... I will pretend it's nothing and ignore his questions.
hehehe I once saved a girl friend's number in my phone as John.... she used an awesome profile pic, (SO played the same game your DH is doing) and as soon as SO asked me... who's this, I simply replied, oh just a group friend.... 3 weeks later SO stopped with his game playing...
till today he still has not clue John was actually Mary.... and he admitted he thought I would cave he never thought I would simply make new friends
I've got lots of male friends
I've got lots of male friends and DH knows about them- DH never looks at my phone and I don't look at his- though we do answer each other's phones if one of us is in the shower etc. I think we are past an age where that sort of thing matters to us- I don't think it would bother me if DH had an affair (he did it before he met me) but I don't think he has time what with seeing his kids every five minutes!
I think I'm just going to be very busy over the weekend and when he goes off to see his brood I'll just say I hope he has a nice time. The grandskids always get way too much junk on their birthdays- last year they got giant teddies and they were seven years old boys! I just don't want to be around these people- so I'll stick with the ones who appreciate my company and see how it all pans out. Maybe once the birthday's over it will all die down again...
Maybe it's time to take stock
Maybe it's time to take stock of you life? This is not the way to live, you are still young and gorgeous, you are still a good catch...
and I'm not only saying cause I need a mate in my single life boat....
he'll get sick of the game
he'll get sick of the game playing
Frankly, I'd be the one sick of his game playing.
If my DH started showing me that he did not want my company, did not want to spend time with me, did not want me as a companion, he might just find it a permanent situation. I mean, really, what is the point of a relationship, then?
You disengaging from his adult kids means he has to go be with them more than he ever was before? This would not make me want to re-engage, it would just piss me off because he IS playing a game.
Maybe he should just move in with one of them?
Also, if it wouldn't bother you if your husband had an affair, maybe it's time to re-assess this marriage. You don't have companionship, physical affection, nor does it seem like you have an emotional connection. Again, what is the point?
This worked for me; I don't
This worked for me; I don't advise it, simply because I don't know your entire marriage relationship to this point.
I kicked my DH to the curb, to SD's house for a few months. His escort was via Law Enforcement, followed by a Court ordered restraining/protective order and a Court ordered property possession order. He could not contact me or come with a few hundred feet of our property. Now, there are all types of issues that brought these Court orders into place, it wasn't easy and the situation had gotten so bad over a period of years. But it worked. I got my point across to keep my SD56 out of our marriage.
SD56 and all grown skids and grandkids are welcome to see DH anytime, but they have to leave me alone, or Law Enforcement will get involved again.
My situation was extreme, only because I let it go for 30+ years and it "boiled over". DO NOT let this happen. Get a life of your own and your stepkids will ignore your DH, as time passes. Stepkids tend to get a life and it usually don't include their dad. Then your DH will come crawling back, like a puppy tucking his tail; you, like me, probably won't really care, but will take care of him the rest of your life.
I love my DH, but my love has changed and is different. My DH is disabled and I will care for him forever. But our marriage is different and it is the fault of DH and SD56's betrayal. So I am good with my decisions, I just don't advise anyone to go thru the hell I went thru.
Set boundaries now and work on it; because skids will move on and the games will stop. Most of SD56's games have stopped and life is peaceful; but only because I set some boundaries with our marriage. I just waited too long and it all blew up; don't do that!
Good luck. I am following your story, because I've been there. (((hugs)))
Thanks Sammi- I know your
Thanks Sammi- I know your situation and it keeps me thinking that this too will pass. DH really has no where to go, OSD lives in near squalor, his other daughter lives with another woman, and his son is a gay prostitute with severe addiction problems. If he would rather spend his time there that's his choice. Today the postman was approaching my house and I took the post from him as I went back in from the car- we exchanged pleasantries and he said, 'You have a beautiful house.' We do have a beautiful house, we made it so together. I don't want to leave him, my home, my job. Someone on here said they'd had the cold shoulder for two years- I can do that.
I would like the games to stop, yes, and they will soon I'm sure. I'm just very tired and don't want to make myself ill again.I even looked up some therapists, but I know that's not the answer. I think I'll take him out to dinner tonight. He sleeps with me at the weekend- maybe we just need a hug- so thank-you for yours and I'm sending one back. (((Hug)))
I understand the difficulty
I understand the difficulty with hanging in there, believe me.
Practice everyday: Do not think about what happened yesterday or in the past. Do not worry about tomorrow. Live in the moment and take care of your mental and physical needs first.
Stay here too!
i am with sammi on
i am with sammi on this.
disengagement has to become a way of life. it is a decision each sm must make if she wants out or to stay married.
I think the point of the
I think the point of the relationship is that we did get on- we enjoyed each other's company and we have a lovely home together. If I moved away I would find it hard (not impossible) to support myself and I don't think I would get the same quality of life that I enjoy here. If I left I would be shooting myself in the foot, and so would he. He told me six months ago that he didn't want to be on his own.
He can't move in with any of his kids because they don't have the space or lifestyle and would you want your dad living with you when you knew he'd brought it on himself?
Acrat I'm not that young, certainly not gorgeous and don't want to be 'caught' again.
If we split up there certainly wouldn't be another man in my life- why would I want to risk all this trauma again?
The moving in with one of his
The moving in with one of his kids comment was sarcasm.
If you are happy with the way things are, I guess that's all that matters.
ah fairyo - you are still
ah fairyo - you are still young and you are gorgeous...
yes I get the not dating again.... I'm there lol.... life is so much easier this way, friends and wine and no worries...
Thanks Acrat- I do think I
Thanks Acrat- I do think I was a catch for him and he knows it, I think underneath he's terrified I'll go, so maybe he's trying an exit plan. I'm taking him out for dinner tonight. I will be my wonderful self and he will think he's crazy for wasting his weekend on those useless people.
Friends, wine and no worries? I lived that life and sometimes wish I had it back... the problem is when you do meet someone you still want that life, but with the odd night of passion thrown in. Who says you can't have it? Glad you are in a good place.
odd night of passion..... you
}:) }:) odd night of passion..... you know where I'm going with this now don't you..
nice Bruce willis movie , wine , dinner... and who knows what... there you have your night of passion lol...
Like once a year- ha ha! We
Like once a year- ha ha! We had a conversation, that was progress- but who knows what the weekend will bring (winks).