Need to put this baby to bed and want advice- especially from the men out there!
I mentioned this on another forum but it is becoming such an issue for me I thought I'd ask for your wise advice, especially from the men out there.
Many of you know that my relationship ended recently and that I have now started afresh but as the house sale is still proceeding that 'closure' hasn't yet arrived. I am still returning to the house from time to time and seeing the X- we barely speak and e-mails are business-like and formal. Once the house has sold I was planning to write a final letter to him, but feel unsure whether he would even read it, but somehow feel the need to do something.
One of the reasons we spilt was his inability to include me in his plans for retirement- he can, on this upcoming birthday, fully retire, take partial retirement or defer his pension and carry on working. He flat out refused to discuss any of this with me and I don't want to go over any old ground- so the question is- should I send him a birthday card?
I know some of you will find this odd but I still acknowledge my first husband's birthday, and always send a Christmas card too. This is because despite all I had to deal with he is still the father of my children and I still respect that- I bear no animosity towards him and if we meet (we go to family funerals for example) we are polite and warm to each other.
I feel I want to send the X a card too, but is this because I feel guilty, or because I want him to know there is no bitterness in my heart towards him? I feel I couldn't move on in my own life otherwise- we had seven amazing years before the skidshit hit the fan, and I can't erase them from my life and wouldn't want to.
The thing is, would he even care? Would sending him a card be a good or silly thing to do?
I know that lots of men don't care much about cards- is that the case? Might he just disregard it and throw it in the bin- I don't think he would show it to his kids (who knows?) but it is just an expression and acknowledgment from me to him for the good times.
Maybe some of it is also wishing that things had turned out differently? That I am being a bit nostalgic for something that was important to me but is now over?
Also there are thoughts that somehow when all this is finished we can be friends? That free of our joint responsibilties we can just enjoy each other's company and go out together? Am I being cruel to him? Am I being cruel to myself? Has anyone else experienced this letting go but staying in there kind of feeling?
Sorry for the long post but need to get this out...!
Thank-you I feel you have
Thank-you I feel you have summed it up. He only has his family to celebrate with- let them do it as they want without me being there. He chose them over me- whatever I put on the card might be misinterpreted anyway.
You are right about the conscience thing too, why should I be so self-centered as to think it may have any impact at all? Maybe I still want that bit of attention, and have no right to it. I certainly don't want to rub salt in any wounds, but maybe thought I could show him there is no bitterness either. He wouldn't be bothered- he wasn't bothered before and has made no effort to contact me on a personal level. I take my cue from him.
I do pray for him, often -almost daily- I like the idea of doing something else for someone though- that's a good one. Maybe give to a sailor's charity ha ha!
He would just be confused by my efforts- I think he feels like crap for sure, and the kids won't ignore him- but maybe will only compound his feelings that they are all he has. He has the right to have a birthday unencumbered by having to think about me, however briefly.
I suppose it is part of the process- birthdays are always triggers for extreme emotions. Last year was the last time I set eyes on OSD. I sure don't need to bring her back into my life!
Thankyou for bringing me down to earth!
I would suggest redirecting
I would suggest redirecting all your kindness and thoughtfulness somewhere else. There are programs for sending cards to hospital patients, the elderly, soldiers.. There are so many people out there who would be appreciative of your loving energy. If you must do something for him, light a candle and wish him well.
Spot on- I don't do candles
Spot on- I don't do candles but a gift to charity will do it. Very wise- thanks.
I only send cards to people I
I only send cards to people I care for and wish to keep in my life.
I do not send cards to my children's father, because they are perfectly capable of sending one themselves. He doesn't need a card from an ex. I'd be furious if any of my DH's exes sent him a "thinking of you" card - and the fact that one ex in particular has borne his child, does not give her leeway to send him something normally reserved for close friends/family.
I DO, however, assist them in getting something for their father - I will remind them to do it, but I won't do it for them.
Beyond a friendly/civil facebook style Happy birthday!, there is hardly any interaction between us that would give off a perception of frienship or any other closeness between us.
If you wish to maintain your ex in your life, by all means, send the cards you want - but if you want closure, cut the ties. There are no ties that bind you to him. You don't have kids with him. You feel bad for him, sure, I can understand that... but don't hold that as more important than your own sense of closure.
My first husband never re
My first husband never re-married, if he had I would respect his wife and not send the cards. With the X it is different and I now realise the card idea was not wise, so I am not sending one. I am not sure I will even remember him in my prayers anymore- I have no right to intrude into the life he so clearly wanted for a long time, and neither should he be in my head either. I have to make my new life free of his control, and vice versa. Steptalk came good for me again!