No. And No.
So DH, SD12 and I are going on a planned local vaction soon for 5 days. Pre-planned since May.
SD14 is NOT coming with us due her continued ignoring of DH. So good with that.
DH asks me the other day, 'Hey, you want to go to X City for an extra night?' This city is close, but it is going in the opposite direction of home AND I don't really want more expenses.
Cover: Um, really? Why? I wasn't planning on it.
DH: (looking uncomfortable) Well, we could stay with your friends H & C.
Cover: Um, no. I don't really keep in contact with them any longer, and I don't really want to hang out with H.
DH: But we stayed with them before.
Cover: Three years ago, plus we have SD12 with us (who is listening to this whole exchange). They aren't exactly kid-friendly and don't have space for her. So no.
DH: (sighs. then the REAL reason comes out!) Well, SD12 is going to X City the next day with BM. I thought it would be better for SD12 to be dropped off at her relatives house a day early so she could avoid having two long drives in 24 hours.
Cover: I was not planning on going to X City. I will not ask H & C to stay at their place. If you want to go to X City and get a decent hotel then good, I'm ok with it and then come back the next day.
DH: So you won't contact H &C?
Cover: No. If you want to get a hotel, fine. But I'm not going to "use" their house as a stop over. I'd be glad to see them while we are there, but I won't stay with them.
End of conversation. Still don't know what DH is going to do.
See how sneaky he was? 1)
See how sneaky he was? 1) Trying to hide the fact that he and BM had a plan that involved me agreeing to do something they alone decided was a good idea 2) Trying to avoid HIS extra expenses as a result by using my friends house 'for free' and 3) Trying to use guilt - didn't address my idea of HIS getting a hotel room for us; I know he doesn't have the cash right now for that (pending a big paycheck though any day). It's not my plan, not my kid, not paying or using my time for this.
NOT
Your circus, NOT your monkeys.
Good for standing firm Cover!
Good for standing firm Cover! What your H did is very manipulative and hope every time he tries to pull something like that, that you give him your @ss to k!ss. He has some nerve!
BTW its not the end of the world if SD has to endure two long trips, she'll live.
I'm still trying to wrap my
I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that he thinks it's OK to invite himself to someone's house, especially after you've told him you're not really in contact with them. I'm amazed at the rude things that become "acceptable" to try to accommodate skids and BMs. Good for you for not giving in to his manipulations.
NDC~ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
NDC~ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
My thoughts exactly!!! Where does one draw the line and stop catering to their every whim at the expense of everyone else? It's like he doesn't even care if you're still in contact with these friends. He just wants a place to stay in order to accomodate his daughter.
This exactly!
This exactly!
Um.... WHY does your DH think
Um.... WHY does your DH think it's okay to invite yourselves to stay at someone's home?? When my out-of-state siblings come to town, they don't ask Dad if they can stay in HIS house. Sure, we grew up there, but it's DAD's house. If he OFFERS to let us stay, that's one thing. Weird.
Cover, glad you stuck to your guns!
Sounds familiar
I could see my DH proposing a similar weird fix that would benefit everyone, but me. I would have given him a similar answer.
Of course, my DH doesn't really talk to BM and she would likely just demand that we cut our vacation short to accommodate her plans, even if we had made those plans months in advance. So, I don't have to worry about them agreeing on something without me, but DH does often try to appease and pull me in to appeasing, without being direct that, that is what he's trying to do.
Hmmm. I must have a different
Hmmm. I must have a different kind of family and friends, because we will often ask to stay if we have a need...and people often ask to stay with us, too. Of course, these are people we are in touch with and have worked with...not people we'd be calling up out of the blue after 3 years.
Still super shady for DH to try to manipulate you to go to that city. I wonder, if you'd said yes...when he would have told you about the plan to leave SD12 there. Like...maybe on the road: "Hey! Cover...guess what! BM is planning to be in this city tomorrow, so we can just leave SD with her. Isn't that great?!"
I hate when my DH pretends to think of something on the spur of the moment when I know he's planned it. The worst.
PS. Has it really been 3 whole years since you talked to these friends? Cause I would have done just about anything to avoid a long car drive with my pre-teen skids.
Yes, if I had agreed ahead of
Yes, if I had agreed ahead of time, I'm sure it would have been "By the way...." Earlier than when we were driving there but I'm sure right before we left the house.
I've kept in minor contact with them here and there. Our lives have just been on separate paths. I'd be happy to meet them for lunch/dinner/drinks but not stay with them. If I'm going to drive out of my way, spend an extra day away from home, arrange for the cat sitter an extra day and have less time on the weekend before I have to go back to work it will be:
1) a nice hotel
2) a nice dinner
3) pedicure
You handled that really well,
You handled that really well, Cover. Blocked your H's shady attempt at manipulating you for the benefit of the Holy First Family, and put the onus on him.
And the nerve to expect you to arrange to exploit your friends for the benefit of BM and skid! What an a$$hole move.
Tell BM she can come pick up
Tell BM she can come pick up SD12. Why can't she do the drive from Xcity so that her daughter doesn't have a long car ride?
We leave vacation spot on
We leave vacation spot on Friday, arrive home Friday evening. BM leaves for X City on Saturday.
Per plan, we'd drop off SD12 at BMs on our way home Friday evening - no issue with that, or she'd come home with us and DH would meet BM on Saturday morning with SD12 on their way out of town.
So the alternate plan was we leave vacation spot Friday, drive the opposite direction of home for 2 hours to X City. Drop off SD12 at her uncle's home. Then DH and I go to (?) for the night. BM then drives from our city with SD14 on Saturday to her brother's home for a long weekend, meeting up with SD12.
We are all coming from the same place, but different days. It's out of our way to drop off SD12 in X City and not part of our vacation plan and "it's a lot of car time for SD12" is not my problem.
Well handled! Now the next
Well handled! Now the next time you have to say "NO", it is easier!
I get wanting to reduce car
I get wanting to reduce car times for kids but it would have been nice if DH had been upfront about his intentions earlier on so something could be worked out. To lie, collude w/BM and twist things behind your back while leaving you in the dark is stupid. Was he just going to act surprised when BM showed up the next day to get SD?!
Let the ahs get a motel room, hang out and wait for BM.
Simply amazing!
Don't know how long you've been married but in my case it took awhile for DH and SD to learn they were not intellectually superior to me as they had presumed. I guess they had assumed this because for so many years I went out of my way and against my true self to win them over - and I was REAL stupid about that!
The 'Big Reveal' came just after my decision to disengage. When DH was 'caught' in a manipulation ploy there was no need for him to apologize. The look on his face, as it occurred to him that life with me was never going to be the same again, was priceless. Respect tastes a lot better than doormat. Good for you for letting your DH know that your time, money and emotional well being are to be top priority.