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The logistics of disengaging

holly5692's picture
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I was wondering if anyone could give me advice for my particular life situation and ways I can disengage more. I already posted about how I just put my foot down about having to care for two extra children all week during quarantine, while their actual mother perfectly well has enough time on her hands to do it herself. So that felt good. 

There are a lot of issues within my sk's lives, which I also already posted about. I'm going to try letting go of my desire to be the "fixer" of all the things, and I think I can do that. But I still feel like household dynamics will need some careful handling.

I have expectations for my own kids around the house. I find that I don't have to nag them nearly as much because they know the drill. This is life as usual for them. When sk's come over, it's right back to square one every time because it's not the usual for them. If you give them an inch, they will take a mile. They push back on so much more. Typically, my husband handles most of the parenting and tells them what they need to do--but that's on weekends and he's home. Even so, sometimes I have to remind him or bring things up to him, because I want to try and keep things even steven among all the kids. In the summer, they're supposed to start coming every other week instead of just weekends, and I feel like I'll be forced into more parent-ish involvement. IDK how to keep a handle on the regular expectations around here while trying to disengage more. Do I just say eff it and let both sets of kids have different sets of rules? Explain to my kids that sk's do what their dad says and they do as I say? And how does that work if I'm the only adult home with all four kids sometimes?

I really like to do fun stuff with my own kids, so I try to include sk's too. In all actuality I think I'm a bit of a fun parent in general--I love joking around and doing silly stuff, but I have such a hard time simply relaxing and going with the flow when sk's are around. I feel like we have to correct and call out problematic behaviors so much more. There's always a slight undercurrent of tension for me, even when it's fun, if that makes sense. 

I also think my feelings have something to do with the fact that I am typically the one running my household. It was that way before my husband even came into the picture. So it feels like my home and "safe" space are being overrun at times. 

So, like...what's an appropriate level of involvement? To just be an adult who cares, but not in a parent-ish way? I don't want a divide. I don't want resentment to happen on anyone's part. What's the happy medium? How do the logistics of this work? My husband had such an easy time fitting into life with my kids. They love him. So I feel bad that it's just not as easy for me with his kids. I feel bad for complaining and worry about whether I'm crossing any lines or not. He is so kind to all of us--why can't I just be more chill like him? I need an instruction manual. Literally--give me a step by step I can follow. I'm still relatively new to this. And being new on the scene with teenagers probably doesn't help either.

Harry's picture

Babysitter or takeing care of DH kids.  Either DH stays home and take care of them, or they are at BM house.  You can not be alone with SK without takeing care of them.  

Survivingstephell's picture

Many on here recommend NOT telling DH what you are doing, to just pull back where you are going to and let them deal with it. It will avoid a fight that can never be won.  In my opinion you need to become utterly incompetent to do or solve certain things for him/them.  Shrug your shoulders, say I don't know, play stupid, "I'm sure you'll figure it out"  stuff like that.  By doing everything you have trained your family into learned helplessness.  The only cure it to back the F up and let them do it.  Oh there will be lots of failure to do it to your standards but bite your tongue.  You can do this.  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I don't agree with telling your DH you're disengaging. In a perfect world you could, but the reality is most bio parents would only hear "I hate your kids!" and resent you for it. YOU become the problem instead of the skid(s), and it affects the marriage.

I've disengaged from two skids in two different manners. With YSD, I just faded back, redirected her to her father, and got busy elsewhere. With OSD, I blew my top and said I was DONE, which made me the bad guy for making waves and caused a lot more damage.

As Survivng points out, you have to change yourself first if you want the dynamic to change. This starts by mentally recatigorizing the skids as someone else's people and someone else's problem. Do the mental work of detaching and emotionally distancing yourself from them, and redirect any requests for them to your DH.  Dishes left in the sink? "DH, there are dishes left in the sink. Please take care of it." Bathroom a mess? "Honey, the bathroom is trashed. Can you handle it?" Identify the problem without attaching blame, and make your DH responsible for it. HOW it gets solved is NOT your concern.

sammigirl's picture

Exjuliemccoy has nailed it here. 

Do not tell anyone you are disengaging, especially your DH.  

I also let it build up and blew my top at my adult SD.  Our marriage was never the same.   Never take on problems you did not create.  Just ask your DH to handle it and then let him do so.

Never attach blame.  Your actions and tone of voice speak without adding blame.

Mentally take care of yourself, thus your DH will respond to your concerns the way he is treated.  I found this out to be true.  When I walked away and let the responsibility be on DH, he saw the light.

Don't chase it.  Don't try to fix it.  I even apologized for blowing it and told my DH it would be better to leave me out of their relationship and better he handled his issues with his grown kids.

With that said, we had boundaries, and my DH abided by them in the end.  He related them to stepkids, I didn't have to do so.  It took 7 years for us to agree to disagree.  Be patient.

Good luck.  Hugs.

Piper1932's picture

This is awesome advice. I'm new to this group, and finding it hard to navigate where I want to go. I'm in this,"Disengaging ", topic group to find more advice on how to disengage. Is there somewhere more specific to look for specific tactics,(or lack of, I guess?),? Thanks in advance

Exjuliemccoy's picture

And welcome to StepTalk.

This post is fairly old, so you may not get many responses this way. I suggest making an introductory blog post to outline you situation and ask for tips on disengaging from skids. There's also a forum on Disengagement you can browse.

tog redux's picture

I was always the "fun aunt" type of stepmother (but there was only one skid and I didn't have any kids of my own). We did fun stuff together, and I would call him on bad behavior in a manner similar to how I treated my actual nieces and nephews, but the real parenting and discipline was up to DH. DH was a strong parent and didn't want or need my help, and SS knew that if he was REALLY out of line, and didn't do as DH asked him to do, he'd be in trouble. I rarely spent time alone with him, but when I did, he knew I'd tell his dad if he did anything he shouldn't, and there would be consequences.

Maybe they shouldn't be there every other week in the summer if that means parenting falls to you. Good job on making them go back to BM's during this time, and I'm glad your DH is supportive. It seems like he's used to you running the show, but he might step up more if you step down some.

holly5692's picture

Thank you for all of your responses. I've been marinating on this information, thinking about what would or wouldn't fit into my particular situation. 

I agree with some of you on not saying anything about disengaging to my husband. Because yeah--I don't know how that'll come off as anything other than: I hate your kids. Because I don't hate his kids at all. I hate their circumstances and what has led them to even become problematic in the first place.

Not taking the sk's for a week at a time in the summer won't be an option.

Also, I guess I should have been a little more specific on some things. All of these kids are 12 and up. I'm working PT hours right now--mostly so I can help with school work and also to reduce my exposure since one of my kids has a pre-existing condition. But once life goes back to normal, I'm usually at work until 5:30 M-F, sometimes with a random day off in the middle of the week if I have to pull a Saturday shift. I work just a couple blocks away and stop back home for lunch to check in. They can also bug me all they want at work (they really don't very much, but they totally could) because it's pretty laid back. But essentially, I expect my two kids to self manage for the day. Not really an issue. They get the daily chore list done and it works out fine for the most part. 

My husband makes his kids help out with the chore list. But this is on weekends when can stay on top of them. They often try to skate by doing as little as possible. But if he's home, he'll straight up make them do it over again if it wasn't a very good job. I can already see this will be an issue while we're at work. My kids end up working the hardest, and rightfully so, it pisses them off. My daughter, the oldest at 16, has self imposed herself as "the boss," simply because she knows what's expected and wants it done right. But it wears her down. She's not exactly the bossy type. She's more of a sweet natured introvert. What do I do about this? Tattletaling at the end of every day seems silly. Is there something I can tell my kids to empower them in this situation? It's very frustrating to have two kids who are perfectly capable of self managing, then adding two more to the mix who simply cannot. It's very unbalanced.

But you all have given me some very good things to think about, regardless. I need to stop reminding my husband to remind his kids so much. Not my circus. Some things are worth mentioning, but a lot is not and I need to let it go. No one is going to raise their kids exactly the way I raise mine, and that's none of my business.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

For your daughter just flip perspective on it. Pay her an allowance for the extra things she has done to reward her good behavior and help her feel not taken advantage of.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I am happy with my decision to disengage.  SO is learning that sweet OSD isnt so sweet, and is actually manipulative. He turned a blind eye for so long,  but once he alone was forced to be the one to address her behavior,  he is also getting the conflict from her that goes along with it. On a positive note he is also now in charge of YSD behavior,  which takes me out of the role of bad guy and puts me in a more appropriate role and our relationship has improved significantly.  Plus it's been good for SO because he is realizing the mistakes he made with OSD and he is working to not make those same mistakes with YSD.