How to deal with it all
This is my first post. My emotions are just terrible; I can barely stave off a crying jag every half hour. I feel alone and confused. I want to hide from all of them--my husband and his teenage children. My home is no longer "my space" where I can retreat to be safe. Things were great for the first year we were together. My husband went through a divorce with a toxic ex, however, the teenage children all stayed with her and were far enough away where they rarely affected our lives. At some point one of the SK's went to a troubled teen home, where she stayed for a year. His ex rarely disturbed us since neither of the children were with us. I do not have children and do not want any. These SK's are 17 and 18 and I was under the impression that they were so close to being adults that I would not have to deal with them much. I will say that during this time, I looked forward to being around his kids a bit. I like teens. But these teens are not like the teens I have dealt with in the past; they have serious problems that I am not equipped to fix.
We had my dream house and a happy life together. BUT, things have radically changed. The BM decided when her kid turned 18 that she was done raising him. She left him alone at his sibling's house to fend for himself. He caused fights and then my husband was pressured to take him. He felt like he had to try and I agreed. SK moved in, could not get in to college, decided against any school, lied and manipulated, laid around, has no job, no license. I just did not realize his situation was so bad. He has few skills and is not a prepared adult. I tried to help and what I have done has made a small difference. He has agreed to go to the military. However, his deployment is on hold and I don't see an end in sight and I want my house back. BM will not help with him.
Then recently, BM moved to within 45 mins of us. The SK in the troubled home is now out. She is not allowed to have a phone or a car. The issue with the phone and car means that she is totally dependant on her parents for everything, plus any time my husband has to communicate with his kid, it has to be through his ex. I spent months lining out boundaries about communications with his ex and him and they were working and now they are all gone. BM texts or calls multiple times a day and it has only been a week since the SK has been home. Largely, the communications have related to logistics about picking up his SK and taking her to activities. But there are no boundaries on these communications and every time she communicates, I get angry--angry at myself because I'm angry, angry at my husband because he can't or won't put limits on this, angry at him because he's now angry at me; angry at BM because she is manipulating my husband's guilt concerning spending time with his daughter (because his ex is in control, he has to take whatever time he is given no matter how inconvenient); angry because he is afraid to piss her off due to the spectre of family court and child support, yet I'm expected not to be pissed.
I really have very little interest at this point in participating in activities with him and his children. He wants me to because he knows I'm a good influence, but his older SK burned me so badly on trust. Now I have to deal with the fact that both SK's with serious problems are potentially at our house from time to time. And there is no predicting when and for how long, because there is no structure, no parenting plan. I avoid going home sometimes. My husband has made hints that he hopes his younger SK will decide to live with us. I think in an ideal world, it sounds great, but this SK is now hybrid-online schooled and has to be monitored all of the time. Husband has said that he thinks we should move away so we can extract ourselves from this and he'd be fine having his youngest SK for temporary periods of the year--summers, holidays. So he knows how bad things are and wants out to. I wish he could just stand up to his ex and get a parenting plan done, but he says it will never work and we will be burned with child support that will put us in the poorhouse.
I love my husband, I want a solution. I'm lonely without him as a confidant (and now I find it difficult to express my anger and depression to him because it hurts him) If anyone has any ideas or thoughts, I would appreciate it.
If you take time to read
If you take time to read here, you are not alone. I know that doesn't solve the problem, but maybe knowing you are not alone, might put your situation into prospective.
You DH said "he thinks we should move away so we can extract ourselves from this"; if possible do it. You love your DH and want a solution. He is offering you a solution and I would take him up on it. Your DH is offering to work this out with you, don't hesitate of make a plan with him immediately to get away from all of this turmoil.
Next, disengage from his past and your skids. If you relocate, take this opportunity to set boundaries and house rules immediately. Discuss this with your DH calmly and earnestly. Give your DH the credit he deserves for offering you a way out, with him. From today forward, let your DH handle his kids and ex; you move forward with your marriage and never let their problems become yours. Step back and you will be surprised.
Do not express your anger to your DH; try to discuss it calmly and civil, take long walks, have private melt downs; I do this. I always begin a conversation with "I don't want you to get upset, or take this personnel; please allow me to express my feelings and help me to understand".
When I began my disengagement, I put my DH in the middle of the battle that my SD56 created. I realized it was a constant battle and we even separated because I was so angry at my DH for not taking a stand with SD56. Finally I took the step and didn't even say anything to DH; I disengaged, set some boundaries for myself, and discussed my feelings with my DH. What a change!! Long story, but my SD has not place in my life now.
Make this between the two of you; consider it a hurdle that you can overcome. If possible relocate ASAP. Make things happen, don't expect them to mend themselves. Be fair and kind to yourself. Stay here to vent and read. (((hugs)))
'They have serious problems
'They have serious problems that I am not equipped to fix'- this! Like many on here you came into a situation not of your making. It took me a while to realise it was not my life's mission to remedy the ills of DH's family's past. I wish I had known about this site then. After seven years I disengaged, and it is hard but I feel we're getting there.
You really do need to find and treasure your personal space because once you sacrifice that to them you will start to go under. It sounds like your DH is seeing the situation for what it is (and so many don't) so keep on with those plans and allow those people to grow up and make their own choices. It will be hard but in the long run they have been raised, however poorly, without you and therefore will have to function as adults (however badly) without you too. Like Sammi says- stick around here, you're very welcome.
"My husband has made hints
"My husband has made hints that he hopes his younger SK will decide to live with us." And, "Husband has said that he thinks we should move away so we can extract ourselves from this." And, "I wish he could just stand up to his ex and get a parenting plan done, but he says it will never work and we will be burned with child support that will put us in the poorhouse." If DH keeps going back and forth, and it sounds like he does, nothing will get resolved.
I actually don't see DH as being all that supportive. I see him as being confused and guilt-ridden, like a lot of divorced dads are, but I don't see him being that active on really any level.
It is always especially difficult when you marry under one circumstance, and then something happens fairly quickly to change everything seemingly overnight. If your DH was in a major car accident or lost his job, for instance, you'd get a lot of support, or certainly more. But, as a SM, unfortunately, society expects you to just suck it up and take it.
I'm not big on ultimatums and I'm not saying you should give DH one, but it sounds to me like your DH needs to be pushed to make some sort of decision vs. saying this one day and saying this the next, and meanwhile, you (and others) are expected to just suffer through it. I'm glad you posted this on the Disengagement page. Because, I think you need to tell DH he needs to commit to an action, or you need to disengage (big time), or you need to just leave for a while, while he sorts things out and deals with the issues that were of his and BM's creation. You cannot just keep putting up with him not moving forward on this.