How to or should I cut those last few strings?
Here’s a question I have re: how to or should I cut those last few strings? I’ve been working on and doing research for years trying to get to the heart of SP/ step-child drama, for both, really.
I have found, like many here, that for the most part, it comes down to how and what games BM and bio-dad want to play that is really at the core of so many of these SM/ SK issues. (This is putting aside the few exceptions where there truly is a wacko SM or wacko SK.) In most cases, I believe both SP and step-child start out at least being open to or curious, and then, poof!, between controlling, over-bearing mom and weak, enabling dad, things can fairly quickly fall apart.
So, that brings me to the question of: What can a SP do in that type of situation where there really is no advocate or no one in the home who has the ability to see things from their angle? And, the term “has the ability” is the key, because we all know what BM should be doing and we all know what DH should be doing, but many of them just do not seem to have this ability. For some reason, years down the road, it just seems to still be status quo, where BM (and/or SK) says jump, and DH says how high? So, we disengage, to some level, to maintain some sort of comfort for ourselves.
So far, I see all of that makes sense given the realities of our situations. A question or problem I have, tho., is that it seems to me that both stepchild and SM need to have some sort of relationship. Doesn’t have to be much, but it has to be something, doesn’t it? Now, again, this is forgoing the few exceptions where there truly is a wacko SM or wacko SK. But, maybe I’m wrong or maybe there is SOMETHING I’m not seeing. Sometimes I think part of the problem is that there are so many, incl. professionals, out there who keep saying SMs and SKs don’t have to have a relationship, when in reality, they do. Again, not much, but some sort.
In my case, I’ve been a SM/ married for about 16 years, DH is my first and only husband, I have no children of my own, but DH has two children, now adults, from a previous marriage. Like most, at first things seemed to be okay, and then little exclusionary things I brushed off, and then about 10 years in, a big pie in the face at SD’s wedding, and finally coming here to find out What the H- just happened and continuing to do research.
Years down the road, I’m at the point now where I can let a lot of it go, and just moving on and being with my DH and enjoying our lives together. I attend visits involving SKs (and even BM) if and when I feel like it, and have little problem with that. Overall, fortunately, they are not nasty, wasty stepkids nor am I a nasty, wasty SM. But, all of the typical, behind the scenes “blame or ghost the SP” crap that goes on in so many step situations did go on in mine as well.
BUT, big but, I still can’t force myself to just let those last strings of connection go or their B-days go or not say anything to DH about them. It just doesn’t seem right. In all of my 16 years, I’ve rarely gotten any heart-felt thanks, nor cards of any kind, and whenever anything is done for them (almost 99% of the time by both DH and I), they always seem to start with, “Hi, Dad,” blah, blah, blah, or “Thanks, Dad,” yada, yada, yada, and the usual step-child speak that is so exclusive of SM but at the same time so difficult to get anyone else to open their eyes to.
I know considering where I was at, this seems miniscule, but, you see, my adult/ married SKs are starting to have grandchildren now, and sometimes I just want to cry a river big-time knowing that I’m probably never going to be permitted to be that much of a part of their lives, and the exclusion that happened above with “Dad this,” or “Dad that,” even though we were both, if not I more so, responsible, is going to become, “Grandpa this,” or “Grandpa that.” My name will scarce/ invisible. In other words, the status quo will still be there.
So, it almost comes back full circle, where, again, I find myself feeling that if I want any kind of relationship with SKs, and in particular my GSKs, I have to suck-it-up-and-take at least a couple of spoonful’s here and there of exclusionary spite with every contact, or at least every other contact. SO, CAN SOMEONE PLS. tell me their angle or take on this, or what is it I’m not seeing? What is it I need to knock into my head and soul, so I can go to these events, if I so choose, and at the same time, not feel like I HAVE TO put up with whatever is dished out or else!?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not the same wallflower I was before, that’s for sure, and I will speak up for myself. But, dang!!, it is that “death by a thousand paper cuts” bit that keeps following me and other SPs around that makes it so hard for us to have any kind of connection, isn’t it? 5, 10, 20, 30 years in, those cuts still seem to be able to go deep and ache. . . Still mulling all of this around and thought others further into the process could perhaps provide more insight into: If I can hang out with them on occasion and be okay and still not feel like I’m just an inconvenient asterisk in their father’s life. I’m so close!! But, dang! Crap like No cards, No real recognition of what I contributed or of my role (dad’s wife and partner), continues to bug me. But, maybe that is because I have no children of my own to go to for that.
I can relate to what you've
I can relate to what you've said about sk not acknowledging you. I've been a sm for about 9 years. In the beginning dh 4 kids only said hello to him or just thanked him for gifts etc. I wasnt having any of that! We had quite a few fights that he needed to get his kids to acknowledge I was there. Also to make them aware that I was the one buying gifts, making meals not him. He started speaking up & got them to greet me when they came over. He also mentions all the things I do for them (even if its awkward at times). Now the oldest daughter - almost 30, has children. The grandkids call me by my first name. I prefer this to grandma because I don't feel part of the family. We tolerate each other for dh but its always awkward.
The last few months I've decided to be me & do what I want. Since dh has always put his family before me & my family, I've started to pick & choose when I'll be around his family. Dh has noticed & realizes this is how our marriage will be with his family now. It's been a constant tug of war between myself & the kids. All of us wanting dh to pick our side. He's so full of guilt about everything & doesn't want to hurt anyones feelings. But his wishy washy attitude is what caused all of this. I think that when we -sm get to that level, things change & we need to put our feelings first.
I've seen other stepfamilies where the kids want their parents happy & accept the sp. The kids actually make an effort! I'm always praying things will change but have come to the realization that it probably won't.
First off, I want to say
First off, I want to say thank you for all of your well thought out posts. You have mentioned your profession, and I see you tackle the topic with intellectual curiousity which has been helpful to my own understanding. But I will give you my perspective on some of the topics you raise. We've been in this about the same amount of time and both have had a lovely wedding situation to deal with.
I really don't agree that the adult skids and SP's need a relationship. I do think that there are times they will have to be together, and they need to be civil to each other. There will need to be communication in the event DH falls ill. I don't know if my own SD's really want me to bite the dust or if they enjoy having me around as a target for relational aggression. Either way, I deserve respect as a person, I am not a second class citizen because I am a second wife, and I would not tolerate poor treatment from anyone else. DH's children included.
When there is no advocate for the SP, we must protect ourselves.
I don't think there is a cookie cutter disengagement. You are questioning if you should forget birthdays or not bring them up to DH. If it's not harming you, I'd continue it. I believe SP's should stop doing things that come back to bite them in the A$$. For some SP's that is just about everything. For others, they can be engaged in some situations and disengaged in others. I still recommend presents to DH for one SD but not the other, with good reason.
You mentioned that it may seem miniscule, but you are ready to cry a river about the skids having grandkids. Maybe this is striking a sense of loss for you? It makes complete sense and is a common theme here. Unfortunately the arrival of sgkids brings up a whole new dynamic that reveals even more who the skids are as people.....their children make the perfect bait to reel in the bio parent and exclude the SP if that's their intent (which certainly was my one SD's intent). If you want to develop a relationship after the arrival of the grandchildren, test the waters and see how that goes. If BM was a nut job about the wedding, she is going to be a nut job about SM being considered a "grandma". If you are treated well, stick around. If you are not treated well, do not sacrifice yourself. In that case, the sgkids might be turned against the SP anyway. I had a relationship with SD's kids at one point. No more, and I don't miss them a bit at this point. SD thought she had something I wanted and used that assumption to cause strife. No thanks. They are not worthing sacrificing my self-worth and respect.
ETA: Check out being a foster grandparent at https://www.nationalservice.gov/programs/senior-corps/senior-corps-progr...
Good Advice!
OP...this is excellent advice. I relate to this post by SacrificialLamb. After many years of "turning the other cheek" for "DH`s sake"...NO MORE! read this post very carefully over and over; let it go and move forward. Good Advice!
^^^THIS!!^^^
I agree that it is not necessary to have a relationship with the Skids. Unlike many, I chose total disengagement which means SD is no longer part of my life because she seems unable to respect me in my own home. After a while I got used to it and really like it. Another poster wrote that disengagement is not a 'cookie cutter' thing. If the Skids treat you with respect in your home and you can tolerate their 'company' then by all means continue having a relationship with them. But if they continually bring toxic behavior along with them at every visit or if they 'play the hot and cold game' where they seem to like you one visit, hate you the next two, it's time to sit down and ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship. It takes two committed people to build a relationship. If it is one-sided it will never work.
It all depends on what you can tolerate. Gskids will change the dynamics of your relationship for either the good or bad. If you are allowed to be part of their lives you are the one who decides to what degree. But be aware of the possibility that they may be used as pawns for both you and DH. As Sammi has written, her Gskid fell in line with SD - just an echo of the toxicity that SD brings. New boundaries will have to be put in place at the first sign of exclusion or manipulation.
Sacrificial mentioned that your feelings about being part of a GSkid's life may be part of your sense of loss, being that you did not have children. I can relate to that as I couldn't have kids. When people bring out the wallet or cell phone and start bragging about their Gkids it's hard not to feel the lump in my throat. My solution to this was to work with special needs kids. It worked like a charm.
I will speak from a SM of 20
I will speak from a SM of 20 plus years (15 married) and a SC of 32 years (40 y/o woman) as well as a mom for 19 years. Lower your expectations and accept the situation for what it is. As a SM, I have no SGK's but I think I will carry on the way things are with your Sk's because the way the dynamic is with your Sk's are, will be the dynamic with your SGK's they will learn from their parents after all.
As a SC, I was raised to respect my SP's in both homes, no matter what. My SDad is deceased but my SM (dad's ex wife who helped raise me) has been divorced from my dad (he has a wife now of 8 years, other women, whole other story, (though kids have to respect newest wife as well) came to our Ods's 19 h.s. graduation last year, was raised that GMA G (ex wife of my dad) was his GMA as well and will always be in his eyes. I said all that to say, I treated my SP's as Parents and my kids will know nothing different . If you know now that your Sk's never accepted you as an important factor in their lives, more then likely their kids won't. Please protect your peace, sanity and heart by following suite. Stay disengaged with the Sgk's as well unless the Sgk's show you otherwise.
I think it probably depends
I think it probably depends on the situation and all the parties involved. Some of the people on here are treated with such rudeness and hostility by the skids that I can't imagine having anything to do with them. Some are polite to the SM but just don't feel a close connection to her and there's nothing to be done about that. Others are passive-aggressive in their exclusion of the SM, and do it with plausible deniability ("who me? I didn't mean anything by that"). Each SM has to decide for herself.
I don't think of my SS18 as my step-SON. He's not a son to me, he's my husband's son. He's polite to me and likes me, but given his enmeshment with BM, I can't see him ever allowing himself to have a close relationship with me. His relationship is with DH, and even that is superficial. I don't expect him to remember my birthday or get me anything at Christmas, or ask about me to DH. I don't expect to be considered a grandmother to his kids, should he have any. If DH gets him a gift, he might sign it "Dad and tog", or he might not. Either way is fine. If he only invited DH to his wedding I'd count my lucky stars that I didn't have to look at BM playing MOTY all evening. I wouldn't be offended.
IMO, some SM's expect too much from the relationship. They get upset about not being included in everything or recognized on mother's day. Truly, for some skids, you are just "Dad's wife", and as long as they are respectful about it, that should be fine.
Thank you all, my friends,
Thank you all, my friends, for your wonderful advice. I’m not sure where I’d be now if it wasn’t for this site and my mon chéris here. I agree that I’m going through another period or feeling of loss with my GSKs that I went through several years ago with my SKs. It’s just that babies are so darn cute! But, it is what it is. You are all right that I don’t ever want to go back to compromising my self esteem nor my role as my husband’s spouse. I’ll just have to go lightly for now and wait and see. I have a feeling the scales will be tipped one way or the other fairly quickly. Yep, “If BM was a nut job about the wedding, she is going to be a nut job about SM being considered a ‘grandma’.”
I actually made it to a baby gender reveal ceremony with BM and SKs and many relatives present. I really did want to go, especially since I had never been to one. The way I made it through was a little unconventional, but it worked. I just realized, “What the H-!, What could anyone, even BM, possibly do to me now to hurt me more than they already did!” Surprisingly, that is what made it easier, and made me feel more comfortable. Just shows you once again how SMs have to continually use unconventional approaches to get through the day or family event.
Good quote, Lamby, “If you are treated well, stick around. If you are not treated well, do not sacrifice yourself.” I like this one too from someone else, to focus on “having clean relationships with people.” Everyone’s advice was so helpful!! Thanks again. Ha! There is at least some truth to this, and that is what makes it so funny, “Why would I put my hand in a dangerous animals cage?” This too, “What's on the other side of loss? What am I finding that I wouldn't otherwise have found? Right now, I am finding peace of mind, personal value and a much happier life.”
For me, I’m just expecting respect as dad’s wife and now grandpa’s wife. I don’t think that is setting expectations too high. I get what people mean when they say that, and I agree some SMs do want tit-for-tat with BM. But, I really dislike that saying, because it implies to everyone that, once again, the problem is with SM—it is not that BM, the kids, or even DH are impolite or rude or speak in exclusionary terms, etc.; it is just that SM is setting her expectations too high. Not here. All I want is to be properly thanked and included just like anyone else’s spouse would. You know. And, I think that is pretty much all most SMs here would want and are looking for. Unfortunately, so unfortunately, some may never find it.
One interesting phenomenon I've noticed about inclusion.
When SD met her now husband, she included him in everything right from the start. For example, she had known him a whopping 3 weeks before she brought him along to dinner with her father and I. He's been included in everything since then.
Of course my SO (her father) has been as welcoming as he can be to a person who was a total stranger and has made every effort to get to know his SIL. This despite the fact that SIL is an absolute money-grubber who has latched on to SD and her inheritance and is using her as his own personal ATM for all of life's expensive toys and fun. It has been VERY difficult for my SO because he sees this.
Nonetheless, he speaks to SIL, he shows interest in him when he talks, asks him questions about what's going on with him, and he wouldn't dream of telling SD to leave him at home. In other words, he's included. My SO doesn't like him but he is still giving it the old college try because this guy is his daughter's choice and he respects that enough to try to make a relationship with him work.
Yet if my SO treated her husband the way she's treated me, I know she would be absolutely livid. Livid! Ironically, SIL certainly hasn't gone out of his way to do anything for her dad nor to get to know him - as compared to all the meals, activities, gifts, etc. I've provided her over the years.
Which leads me to my ultimate point: Why is it that skids spouses/SOs are automatically expected to be INCLUDED and the parent's SM/SO (who may have been around for decades) is still an "outsider"?
IMO, when skids behave this way it is a clear sign they are self-absorbed and can't even comprehend nor practice the very basic "Golden Rule" of doing unto others as they would like done unto them. Finally reaching that conclusion was why I realized disengagement was the only way forward for me, and I will continue to practice it even when/if gskids come along.
Those children may be cute as bugs when they are little but I will never allow myself to get emotionally close to them. They will have SD for a mother. And that says it all.
I don't have children of my own, either. If I had a daughter and she turned out to be the kind of person SD is, it would have broken my heart. I'd rather be without.
That is the billion-dollar
That is the billion-dollar question, isn’t it? “Why is it that skids spouses/SOs are automatically expected to be INCLUDED and the parent's SM/SO (who may have been around for decades) is still an ‘outsider’?” That is why I still refer to step-parenting as a crazy backward nonsensical world and always will. SKs’ BFs and GFs of two months seemingly get more weight in the family than a SM of 5, 10, 15+ more years. And that is just one example. Another example is that it is “controversial” for a SM to sit with her husband up front for a SK’s wedding. However, regarding SS and his GF of three months, no problem with either of them sitting together, up front in the family section. . . There are many, many more examples I could give.
But, having been on this site for over three years, there are a couple of startling revelations I have made. One is the blatant, judgmental, discriminatory and sexist attitude that our society seems to have toward SMs. To make matters worse, few, other than SPs, seem to even get this or recognize this. Like, it is somehow a given that in the year 2018 women who are married to or involved with men with children from a previous relationship are supposed to put up with being treated like literal, biblical, polygamous 2nd wives, and have no problem with it at all, and even expect it. WTH-?
Another issue is more hidden. I think our society also heavily underestimates or minimizes the toll divorce has on children. COD have a tremendous burden placed on them, just tremendous. Mom and dad are split apart, homes split, maybe new GFs or BFs of mom and/or dad to contend with, almost right off the bat. . . no wonder these kids have such difficulties. AND, I think they tend to suffer from the same fate many SPs do, and that is the entire focus in any divorce and for years after is pretty much on making things smooth for mom and dad. It is another irony, to me, anyway, that mom and dad chose this divorce for themselves, so in some ways you’d think it would go without saying that they should be the ones to carry the larger burden; yet, the ones to suffer the most are often their own children and the people mom and dad may go on to marry. Society as a whole needs to address this as well.
And, I’m not sure what the answer is. I know sometimes people just can’t get along and mom and dad may need to split, especially in cases of abuse or infidelity. But, I also know there are some who are just more or less bored or tired of the SOS, and want freedom vs. working at it. Fine, but your freedom should not come at the expense of your children’s freedom or your freedom doesn’t mean you are not going to have to work at relationships anymore, to the point that once you remarry, it is all on your spouse or SO to make things work for you and your family. Seems to me that most just say or think: Divorce is done, mom and dad are split, end of story.
In reality, there is a huge, huge story that goes on after the divorce, and THAT is really what any kind of therapy should be addressing and laying the groundwork for. And, just telling kids, “Mom and dad still love you,” doesn’t cut it. Kids need to know that parents are parents for life, but that once they divorce, mom or dad may choose another spouse to spend their life with, and what does that look like, and how should they try to adapt to that, and so on. In other words, they need to be able to grasp the concept of a SM or step-dad AHEAD of time vs. after the fact. Otherwise, it is just too easy for a step-child to place most of their frustration and anger and pain on "Evil" SM or step-dad, the person whom, as far as they are concerned, challenges their space/ world just by being there. For some SKs, that view lasts a lifetime, and they never see SM as dad's wife or SO or lifetime partner.
"Why is it that skids spouses
"Why is it that skids spouses/SOs are automatically expected to be INCLUDED and the parent's SM/SO (who may have been around for decades) is still an "outsider"?" I was just thinking about this the other day. Everyone else's DH/DW or SO is family but me. OSD's DH, YSD boyfriend after her divorce, my aunt's second DH....from their perspective they are all family. But me? Nope?
Life is impermanent. The kids were going to grow up and get partners and possibly there would be a change in the parents marital status/partners. My SDs were adults when their parents split and they still act like this.
I started my relationship
I started my relationship with SO's kids with genuine, heart-felt intentions of building a strong relationship with them based on mutual trust and respect. I truly wanted them to see me not as a mother, but as someone in their network of support that they knew they could count on. They ate my intentions up and spit them out. SMs are rarely acknowledged for their efforts and intentions. I can continue to keep trying, but after a year of observing the disrespectful ways in which they treat their father, I have no reason to believe they'll ever welcome me into the family or trust and respect me. Since I'm not the kind of person to continually seek a relationship with someone who doesn't really want me around, I do believe it is possible, and sometimes advisable, to avoid a relationship with them. We should treat SKIDs with basic human respect and be civil in situations where we can't avoid them, ie. holidays, weddings, funerals, etc., but we don't owe them anything more.
I think people who choose not
I think people who choose not to have kids of their own probably all experience occassional pangs of loss when a sibling or friend has kids, and then grandkids. There are pros and cons to having kids and studies actually show that people who choose not to have kids are happier overall then those who do. I bet most people who chose to have kids have pangs of regret about it now and then, I know I did.
I do have kids but if they didn't I think I would try to channel that love into something else, to someone more deserving. Some hospitals allow volunteers to cuddle the drug-addicted newborns to improve their chances at survival. Just an example.
Or spend more time with your nieces or nephews. Or do babysitting partime through your church. Or volunteer at the domestic violence shelter. Or go read to the residents of the local nursing home. Or volunteer to tudor, or teach literacy.
DH and I talked about being foster parents.
I saw pictures of Killjoy when she was born and didn't think she was cute at all. Bleck. Maybe I'm just not someone who thinks all babies are cute. Even the ones who are cute turn into bratty kids pretty soon anyway.
Reading your post I was
Reading your post I was trying to place together how to respond and I'll just type it however it comes out................I think you have expectations from your step kids and that is your downfall. You also seem to care about being in their lives or the grandkids to some capacity. You want to be a part of something that you have been excluded from since day 1.
You feel this way because of how you are perceiving it. I've been a step mom for 18 years and it doesn't bother me one bit that my H's daughter doesn't include me in anything. I actually look at it as a blessing. I'm not the type to want to be around people who don't value me so its easy to do.
You said that "I find myself feeling that if I want any kind of relationship with SKs, and in particular my GSKs, I have to suck-it-up-and-take at least a couple of spoonful’s here and there of exclusionary spite with every contact, or at least every other contact."
^^^^^^^^why would you ever sacrifice yourself for people who blatantly disrespect you without a care in the world? No kids, stepkids, or grandkids should ever make you compromise your self worth.
I don't think it is because
I don't think it is because you don't have your own children because I do. I think it is because you are a kind, giving person and just want to be recognized for such and for the others in your life you share it with and that share your DH to show you the same in return. I think it is just human nature. So, why these Skids feel the need to be so excluding is beyond me when, in reality, it is just a positive addition to their lives to have another human close to their parent that cares for them. I had stepmothers growing up and a stepfather. I still have a great relationship with my SF and love him dearly. Never had any problem with him. My dad was married two more times after my mother and the stepmothers were more difficult to get along with (it's like they had some sort of jealousy towards me and my sisters actually) which made it difficult to get close to them. But i never remember being hateful on purpose or discluding of them out of respect for my father because it did not benefit me at all. I respected my father more than that. So i just don't get it. I don't think these kids have any respect for their parents honestly. I have seen the blatant disregard for him even last time. He ignored it which is odd to me and explains a lot.
I think there has got to be something in the upbringing of these kids that makes something more difficult for them. Like my SO's daughters went through a lot during the divorce of their parents. A lot of stress and him moving away for years that I think caused resentment maybe i am feeling now which isn't my fault.
I know how you feel though about just wanting to not care that you aren't included or regarded as important or special in their eyes because what would it hurt to just be a compassionate and empathetic individual towards someone who just wants the best for them? I get it. I'm sorry you are struggling with this as am I. I'm sure the men do also because they don't know how to process these emotions at all I don't think and that is why there is an issue in the first place. I think if they handled things differently, then there wouldn't such a tug of war with Dad/DH, etc. Then you have the BM who sometimes we have no idea what is being said about us or to their kids about their father, their marriage, divorce, etc. We really have no idea and it truly influences these kids. I think my SO's ex wife is toxic for everyone and that is sad for the kids as they grew up being molded and influenced by this person.
All we can do is try and be our best for our SO and ourselves. It is hurtful I know but try to hang in there. I am finding it difficult not to clash with my SO because of his constantly defending his kids' actions. Makes it very dificult. When his grandbaby is due any day now, it will only get worse i'm sure and i will feel like an even bigger outsider. I am not married though so i can leave now if i choose easier than some.
I told myself i could go to events and just not care if i was not acknowledged by one daughter or excluded in pictures by another but it DOES bother me. I am just not good at being ignored - old scars. I'm not sure what you can do to feel better about it all. Only you can answer that. You can't change other people I know that. I kept thinking and was told by my SO if i just show up they will change. They haven't or at least one hasn't. And when i said something to another mother at an event lately about my hurt feelings, it was passed along to his daughter which only made things worse. So i ask you, why was I made to feel embarrassed for saying something or felt dumb for calling out their bad behavior and why instead didn't they feeling bad for doing it? I think maybe some people are just more senstiive and just care more than others. it's a hard, true fact. Hugs.
Thank you for your response!
Thank you for your response! Yes, I think this is true, for at least some: "I don't think these kids have any respect for their parents honestly." Or, they have a fake respect, where around bio-mom or bio-dad they'll act respectful to their face, and then lie to their face that evening (and the next, and next) that they are just going to Susie's next door when they are really going to river for a little more action than just studying. And, no, it is not just normal teenage behavior. Repetitive lying and rudeness should never be thought of as normal for any age or just a phase someone is going through.
And, I suppose if they don't respect their parents behind their backs too, vs. just in front of them, then you, the SM isn't going to be respected either, and you don't have the bio-blinders on, so it will be much more apparent to you than it is to mom and dad.
I really like your post.
My SD is 32 I've known her since she was five.I believe things where normal I liked and got on with her mother. When our son was born I truelly know we treated them equal. She had two other half brothers from her mother. We had many joined family functions so she could see we where all family but then she met her now husband. Not a nice man his family very possessive 10 years we have endued him. He is just rude. Then she changed towards me had little to do with her brother I saw it my husband didn't. Then 1 years ago her mother accused my husband of favouring our son. That was NEVER the case then I was frozen out. I don't care for her anymore. My husband asked her out right did she believe what was said she said no. Inknow she lied. To me she is a spoilt brat always treated like a princess well she's not. It hurt I fell taken advantage of and devalued.I've done a lot for her given her a lot more than my son actually. I've tried to say that but was slapped in the face. I don't even want her and her vile husband in my house but I luv her kids its soooo hard.