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How do you disengage from disrespectful rude step kids?

Brose88's picture
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I was wondering how do you disengage from rude disrespectful step kids, whom I have spoken to my wife many times over the issues of them not wanting to fully get their chores done, half ass them.  Like to talk back and argue over my reasons of why it can be done or simple information that they think is wrong. My wife doesn't seem to get on them alot which I feel it frustrating to me. So I was wondering how do I disengage so that this can be pushed on her? 

Crr18's picture

IMO don't tell her that you are going to disengage.Just make sure you are not picking up the slack. They don't finish their chores do not finish it for them. Don't try to parent them this way there is no reason for them to talk back to you. In my situation once I saw that SO kids had no chores I stopped doing their laundry and cleaning their bathroom. I never actually told him I wasn't going to do it I just stopped. I guess he just figures I am busy doing other things. SS has gotten so rude and disrespectful to SO that I basically will just say hello to him ask him how his day was and leave it at that. I don't say much because I don't want to be disrespected by him plus he is a teen and I don't really have much to say to him anyway. 

Cover1W's picture

Yes this. Don't help, remind or engage with chore help. Especially with their personal things. Your house may get messier. If you can hire a housecleaning every so often (I do every other month but she doesn't clean SDs rooms or DHs office) and DH pays a larger split of the cost.

Also don't do special things either. Basics only. Basic good, make sure no one hurts themselves. The parent must be the primary care giver for everything.

Rags's picture

Just Do It!

Take away any benefit they get from the arguing, etc....

They don't complete the chores on time and to standard they don't sleep or eat until they are done and... more are added.  No cellphones, etc... until done. The argument is to get out of the chores.  Add more.

As for the lippy shit, bury them in their ignorance by going encyclopedic on them when they are convinced they know it all.  Shift to a topic they know nothing about them bare their asses on their ignorance.  When they are beet red and angry beyond measure point out how unpleasant they are feeling and how it would feel much nicer to discuss rather than argue.

Lather

Continued arguing results in an escalating state of abject misery for the toxic spawn.  If mommy doesn't like how you parent and discipline then she can get it done before you have to.  She can also do any chores she fails, rinse, repeat. to hold them to completing.

Keep it simple.

stepmomnorth's picture

Agree with all of those suggestions. I'll add, dont buy them anything, or drive them anywhere, don't plan birthday parties for them, etc, Basically let the bio parent do it all, it's their responsibility.

shamds's picture

They crossed a boundary with my then toddlers and i told them no and they answered back saying they would do it anyways. My answer was a long drawn out condescending NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!! 
 

hubby heard that and instantly told his daughters no means no, i said no and thats the end of it.

after 3 outings with sd's dealing with this bullshit and them thinking they were superior to me and had ultimate say and authority in the parenting of our 2 kids, i refused any meets.
 

Hubby was made well aware that if he wanted me to attend family weddings etc, i and our toddlers would not attend if sd's were coming along. Eldest sd drove and then teenage sd lived with her but daddy was expected to chauffeur them and it added several extra hours to our trip with carsick and cranky toddlers and me having to deal with their bullshit and they were never ever on time and always last minute cancellations.
 

I also saw repeated times that eldest sd would undo my daughter's her which was nicely styled into a messy do or she would undress my daughter into clothes she had bought that she just had to be in when my daughter was already in nice clothes. People you've only met 2 times don't get to strip your kid naked and dress them up..

i have not had any contact with sd's in 3.5 yrs

shamds's picture

They crossed a boundary with my then toddlers and i told them no and they answered back saying they would do it anyways. My answer was a long drawn out condescending NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!! 
 

hubby heard that and instantly told his daughters no means no, i said no and thats the end of it.

after 3 outings with sd's dealing with this bullshit and them thinking they were superior to me and had ultimate say and authority in the parenting of our 2 kids, i refused any meets.
 

Hubby was made well aware that if he wanted me to attend family weddings etc, i and our toddlers would not attend if sd's were coming along. Eldest sd drove and then teenage sd lived with her but daddy was expected to chauffeur them and it added several extra hours to our trip with carsick and cranky toddlers and me having to deal with their bullshit and they were never ever on time and always last minute cancellations.
 

I also saw repeated times that eldest sd would undo my daughter's her which was nicely styled into a messy do or she would undress my daughter into clothes she had bought that she just had to be in when my daughter was already in nice clothes. People you've only met 2 times don't get to strip your kid naked and dress them up..

i have not had any contact with sd's in 3.5 yrs when their behaviour never changed and then guilted my husband for marrying me and having 2 kids with me but hypocritically playing sisters of the yr when inlaws are around because it gets them brownie points

shamds's picture

They crossed a boundary with my then toddlers and i told them no and they answered back saying they would do it anyways. My answer was a long drawn out condescending NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!! 
 

hubby heard that and instantly told his daughters no means no, i said no and thats the end of it.

after 3 outings with sd's dealing with this bullshit and them thinking they were superior to me and had ultimate say and authority in the parenting of our 2 kids, i refused any meets.
 

Hubby was made well aware that if he wanted me to attend family weddings etc, i and our toddlers would not attend if sd's were coming along. Eldest sd drove and then teenage sd lived with her but daddy was expected to chauffeur them and it added several extra hours to our trip with carsick and cranky toddlers and me having to deal with their bullshit and they were never ever on time and always last minute cancellations.
 

I also saw repeated times that eldest sd would undo my daughter's her which was nicely styled into a messy do or she would undress my daughter into clothes she had bought that she just had to be in when my daughter was already in nice clothes. People you've only met 2 times don't get to strip your kid naked and dress them up..

i have not had any contact with sd's in 3.5 yrs when their behaviour never changed and then guilted my husband for marrying me and having 2 kids with me but hypocritically playing sisters of the yr when inlaws are around because it gets them brownie points

Mamabearof3's picture

Avoid all contact. Honestly I tried for a LONG time to just disengage from parental roles. But somehow I'm still the bitch. So now I have told her and my DH and our BIOs that until she apologizes and fixes her shit attitude and stops blaming me she won't come around at all. And that's MY choice. My DH supports it. He has not energy for her disrespect. Which I wish he'd do something more than he has to fix it but he's just not able to deal with it so here we are. No contact with a mean rude ass 16 year old. 

Little savages's picture

They don't do their chores? They're rude/disrespectful? Let your wife know. Just state the fact, let the message drop then walk away. Every time. No tone, no attitude, no commentary, just the facts. It's hard for the enabling parent to argue with statements of fact. Eventually that drip drip drip of feedback will make it crystal clear to your wife that skids are lazy/rude/disrespectful or whatever and she needs to do something, if only to not hear you repeating the same facts for the tenth time. By doing this and disengaging at the same time, you eventually transfer the burden/frustration onto the adult ultimately responsible for raising the little brutes. 

Ki2619's picture

Just don't do anything. Don't pick up after them. Don't shuttle them around. Let your wife do it all and if you want to go with her then do that. You get to decide how much you want to deal with them. I had to have a pow wow a few weeks ago...making messes and leaving dishes when we're at work and I'm not doing them anymore. If his kids are here he does the dishes or picks up after then because I'm not touching it.