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Keep calm while under attack

Fedupskiddad2's picture

Well Wednesday I had to leave work and meet with wife, ss15, and his two therapists so he could be released from a mental health facility. "Family therapy" is what I was told it was going to be. Well it was more like underhanded attacks on me and my parenting style. Here are a few things I was told without being allowed to respond.

1. I treat my kids different when it comes to the way I allow them to talk to me.

2. I have different rules for mine and hers

3. (Step son literaly said this) I need to back off on how I raise my voice to my bio son 6 and not be so strict with my bio son. 

4. I need to spend more time with step son's. Not just criticizing them. . 

5. I need to take a more active role in parenting them.  

That's just a few days for the things that I was told. Well I tried to respond and got shut down almost instantly by my wife . Yes I havr different rules and standards for my kids. That's why my two older ones are straight A students, do chores without being asked and don't complain when asked and do them to standards above what was expected. They do there own laundry and shower EVERY DAY. 

I give my bio 6 ONE time of being asked to do something. Then I raise my voice (not yell) and ask again. At that point he knows i mean business and does whar I ask. I will not let my bio  6  get away with not listening. I have tried multiple times to spend time with Step son's onlt to be shut out, stole from, lied to, lied about, and just down right disrespected and used. I was told by wife and previous counselor to inform wife of things with SS and let her handle them. Now I get told I have to engage. THANKS BUT NO THANKS.  I Know I shouldn't have but I looked at textes between her and her boys and their was alot of shit talking and laughing about my kids. She has went through my phone and phone bill more times than I can count so I don't feel like I did anything wrong. Things were said between them that brought tears to my eyes and a feeling of manipulation I haven't ever felt. All this I knew while sitting in this meeting and then twards the end SS says " I do like do fedupskid because he has consistency and mom is easier to manipulate" ding ,ding ,ding . Lmfao yep but I'm still the bad guy. They asked if I had anything to say at the end and I politely said nope.  So freaking done. 

Amcc13's picture

But I hadn’t had a chance to follow up and send you a reply. It seems to me that you no matter what you do will be the bad guy 

When your wife tried to shut you down at the meeting why did you not stand up and say excuse I am entitled to a turn to speak? To be honest you should not have to as the therapist should have managed the meeting better but when they proved they could not why did you allow yourself to be steam rolled? Further to that why is a mother and a councillor allowing a 15 year old to critique your parenting style? 

If I was to offer you any advice it would be this: 

- make screen shots/photocopies/email copies of these messages between your wife and her children ridiculing you ; you may be able to use them at a later stage 

- get out of the house and take your children with you

- until you get out of the house look after yourself and your own and ignore her and her own 

but get out fast because you are obviously being set up to be the fall guy. Next he may try something like becoming agrresive with you or your children to get you to react so he can say you abused or assaulted him 

 

get out and stay out. Protect yourself 

Fedupskiddad2's picture

I've made it a point to never be home alone with her son's. If he wouldn't have admitted to the police last time to ripping trim off the wall and swinging it at me I wouldvwo went to jail for putting him in an armbar until the police arrived. He's 5'9 270lbs so he's a big boy. 

Powerfamily's picture

Yep agree with every thing that Amcc13  says.

Your wife will do every thing and any thing to make you the bad guy, as it is easier to blame you then see what SHE has actually created.

Remove yourself legally from any bill/charge that she is now responsible for those cost. YOU are only responsible for you and your children.   

STOP doing anything and everything for her and her children she is solely responsilble for them.

 

 

 

 

Iamwoman's picture

Your wife should NEVER be mocking you behind your back, ESPECIALLY with a child, and MORE SO with your stepchild. His is not only inappropriate and teaches the kid to disrespect authority in general, but it is a form of betrayal.

It sounds like you got a terrible counselor (there are a lot of bad ones out there. My DD is seeing one with her dad through court ordered counseling and it is the worst counselor I’ve ever seen. Constantly giving DD pep talks and reality checks, and now she just tunes the counselor out). Just because someone sat for a two hour exam and nailed a frame certificate to their wall, doesn’t make them a life guru. So many counselors have issues themselves that prevent them from effectively getting through heir own lives with ease, let alone helping others.

I agree with above posters that you and your biokids need to GTFO of that environment. At this point, disengagement will only protect yourself. Your own bio kids are even made to be a target of mockery for your skids. That is disgusting behavior by skids and your wife, and it WILL end up PERMANENTLY affecting your bios, even if you don’t see evidence of that immediately x

Fedupskiddad2's picture

This is already affecting my bios. My dauvhdau never stays here on the weekend and my oldest dosnt like her kids but tolerates them. My 6yr old is kinda like whatever but is starting to pick up on her kids bad behavior. I'm trying to save for at least a two bedroom. It is very expensive where we live but my ex wife mover my kids 5 times in 4 years so I want them to stay and graduate from the same district. I'm just so drained. I always get "well each kid is different" from my wife. Yes but it's how you parent them. I always also get told"you think your so perfect and your kids can do no wrong".  Uhh nope I just don't have time for bullshit and my kids know they can't manipulate me.

NarcissisticSkids's picture

I can relate- my situation was EXACTLY as yours—If I wanted rules in the home, I was a Biotch....my bios had rules, and if they “no comprende” there were consequences...I was told for years- “you think your kids can do no wrong”....that was not true, I just had rules and they had to abide. I hate to tell you this but now my SS is 39, and NOTHING has changed—-he still HATES my GUTS, —- same $hit-different day. I am so thankful tho (are my kids perfect—no) that my bio daughter is 37 super good job, takes care of herself and STILL RESPECTFUL- bio son has a family and 21 years in the military (actually going overseas soon)STILL RESPECTFUL—Dont know what to say other than it wont change in your situation.....sorry....

--figureditout--'s picture

When my SD was being released after one of her stays at the no shoelaces hotel, we did family therapy once. Therapist sat there and told me that everything that was wrong with SD mentally was my fault. I asked where her biological mother's culpability was in this and got a blank stare. These places are at or over capacity and they treat and street when the insurance runs out.

I put a nice dent in the door as it was a secure facility and the nurse wasn't quick enough on the latch. 

I disengaged shortly after. Complete and total disengagement. DH kept scraping and bowing until SD went to the RTF after another attention seeking round of suicide notes and grown ass men calling our home looking for her.

If you have a way to get out, do it for your kids sake. Mine are way more mature than their peers due to all of the crap they saw.

ndc's picture

The fact that your wife took up for the kids over you isn't surprising; in fact it seems common in these types of situations.  Not right - the marriage should be first - but not any big shock.

The fact that she and the skids are exchanging texts in which they laugh and talk badly about your kids - that is despicable and unacceptable.  That is not the behavior of a woman who loves you or respects you.  I'd leave as soon as I could.  Why should your kids (or you!) be living in that situation?

blueskies4me's picture

What a load of bullsh!t. The SS isn’t your problem or responsibility and if how your parent your real kids means they aren’t feral criminals then you’re doing parenting right! 

Leave that undermining witch and her demonspawn ASAP.

futurobrillante99's picture

One sentence to SS: "When you behave like my kids, I'll treat you the same as my kids." End of story.

Fedupskiddad2's picture

OMG I have said that and oh boy did that unleash a fury of anger that I totally did not expect. I still hold them to the same standards but have mostly disengaged. 

beebeel's picture

So this "therapy" session focused on YOU rather than the "patient"?! What kind of racket are they running?! So called professionals ganging up on a parent with successful teens as they ignore the manipulation of a delinquent BRAT. I'm seething mad for you.

I hope you have your exit planned. Your wife is a terrible parent and an even worse spouse. You and your kids deserve so much better.

Chevy92's picture

You seem to be getting ganged up on quite a bit, when everything that your trying to do in my opinion is exactly right. Raising kids to be responsible and respectful obviously seems to be something you know how to do from your two older kids you described. Your wife should do nothing but back you and support you when it comes to parenting decisions especially when it’s for the best. Your not abusing them or anything by giving them a good back bone and foundation. Families never work when one constantly feels like their being undermined by the other. Conversations like that between wife and ss shouldn’t be happening. I agree with everyone above, this just makes it seem like it’s completely okay to ignore you, and that disrespect will be tolerated and brushed off easily. Your wife needs to stand behind you a hell of a lot more. I stand behind my husband and his decisions for parenting %110 when it comes to our kids. As for the therapist/counsellor, they sound like a quack. You should not have to sit there and tolerate being told in multiple different ways that YOUR the problem, especially when it’s clear your not. I’d be drawing some hard lines in the sand when it comes to your wife, because as long as she’s undermining your authority, you’ll never make any headway with the kids. Hopefully everything works out for you, these things can be tough.

momjeans's picture

A lot of family therapists peddle that “bend to the stepchild’s needs and wants” psychobabble woo. Little do they know, or care to acknowledge, is that it crumbles marriages in the process. I commend you for even going in the first place. And I agree, start planning your exit. This is on the extreme end of blended family nightmares. It would take a miracle to turn this train wreck around at this point. 

 

Harry's picture

This is not. A normal situation. He is in a mental Hospital .  SS is placing blame anywhere but on himself. Your SO is not placing blame on her or SS.  So you get all the blame.  MOST likely nothing is going to,help their. Kid.

he going to continue to go in circles the rest of his like, or end up in jail.  Buy pop corn and watch the show 

there is nothing you can do 

Fedupskiddad2's picture

That's the thing. SS sat right there in front of his mom, two therapist his case worker and myslmyand admitted he liked me "because fedupskiddad2 is cut and dry and i can't  manipulat him". Then says "mom's easy to manipulate  and get what I want out of her. Her rules change day to day".  OMFG right in front of everyone and yet I was still told I needed to Learn to compromise a little.  One thing I try to live by is a phrase we used in my old unit.  CHOOSE THE HARDER RIGHT OVER THE EASIER WRONG. it's like they all forget that 5 years ago I was in one of those places getting sober and getting my life back. The thing I learned above everything else is you CANNOT blame anyone but yourself. Most of life is about choices. 

Harry's picture

This is not. A normal situation. He is in a mental Hospital .  SS is placing blame anywhere but on himself. Your SO is not placing blame on her or SS.  So you get all the blame.  MOST likely nothing is going to,help their. Kid.

he going to continue to go in circles the rest of his like, or end up in jail.  Buy pop corn and watch the show 

there is nothing you can do 

Harry's picture

This is not. A normal situation. He is in a mental Hospital .  SS is placing blame anywhere but on himself. Your SO is not placing blame on her or SS.  So you get all the blame.  MOST likely nothing is going to,help their. Kid.

he going to continue to go in circles the rest of his like, or end up in jail.  Buy pop corn and watch the show 

there is nothing you can do 

MoominMama's picture

You have been very badly treated and I'm in camp 'get out now' . This will never change until you bow down and become their whipping boy and your own kids are ruined in the process. 

Saint_Gus's picture

Wow. You have successful, responsible and well behaved teenagers and they have the gall to attack YOUR parenting, while sitting in a therapy session to discuss how thungs will be when HER KID gets home from juvie?? Lol. And they don't see the irony in that?? Lol. Good luck to you. Pretty obvious but I'll say it anyway, sounds like you should continue to parent your children the way that you have proven works, rather than allow your 6 yo to follow in his brother's footsteps to kiddie jail.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

FirstIy, pay no attention to the load of carp dumped on you in "family therapy". It's the anthem of losers everywhere to blame others for their own shortcomings, and your SS's biggest problem is his mother, not you.

I agree with everyone else who feels you should get out, BUT please take the time to get good legal advice and execute a well thought out exit. Be strategic, and pretend to be the placid, malleable SF while you get your ducks in a row.

You share a child6 with your so-called wife, no?  I hope to Dog you plan to fight for full custody in order to save him from having to grow up as an afterthought witnessing his mom coddling the kid she's already ruined. Your wife is already practicing Relational Aggression and aligning with SS against you, and she would almost certainly attempt to alienate your shared child as well.  Please seek advice from a baracuda custody attorney for the best way to turn your SS's mental issues into a compelling argument for full custody. Document all issues, and print out your blog posts, too.

Next, consult a shark divorce attorney. Find out where you stand, and what you need to do to protect your interests and get the He!! away from what has turned into an unwinnable situation for you.

 

Fedupskiddad2's picture

My six year old is my bio not hers lol. He was a very unplanned kid but the main reason I got sober. I fought for over a year to get full custody after his mom lost him to Foster care when I went to a facility. The court battle for that was an eye opener. My oldest two came up for a visit almost 3 years ago after my ex not letting me see them for a few years and literally said " dad were not going back to mom's". Uhhhh ok lol

My rules that day.

1. First time you threaten or say "I'll just go back to mom's " your shit will be packed. And an Uber to the airport will be called. I will not tolerate being emotional manipulated.

2. You WILL maitaima a GPS of 3.8 or higher. 

3. Same rules as when you were younger before I left for overseas. You know how I roll. No bullshit.

4. You will respect your step mom and treat her with the same respect she treats you.

5. Laslty give me the same respect I give you and we will do fine.

Well son has a 4.0 GPA and just paid his whole way to Europe.

Daughter has a 3.9 GPA as of this week band helps my parents out and has already started saving for driver's training and a car.

Son 6 is doing great with school and goes to his grandparents 3 weekends a month. I still maimtamaa good relationship with his mom's patepar. They live in the country and he's learning how to hunt, stack and split wood and is his grandparents world. Comes back a little spoiled but undersyands that there is my rules and grandma's house rules lol. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I'm so glad I got it wrong and that you don't have any shared children with your W. 

It sounds as if you've overcome a lot and are in a good place as a parent. How are your kids coping with their emo stepbrother?

Fedupskiddad2's picture

My oldest two can't stsst there step brothers. They see the manipulation and rudeness first hand. They see that my wife's boys put in the very least amount of effort and energy into stuff and expect a huge reward. Last summer my SS 15 got mad, pushed my daughter so after my bio15 throwing the TV remote at him as stormed back into the living room and tried to bully my bio son. SS15 is a big boy(fat) and has used his size to intimidate others his whole life. My son is 6' tall 160lbs. So my son goes into defense mode while step son is screaming and comes at mt kid again. Well bio jacked him in his glass jaw and he stumbled back stunned. He thought my kid would back down because of his size. My bio had never been in a physical altercation I'm his life until that point. I always taught them to do everything humanly possible to avoid a physical confrontation. Well after that things drastically changed in our house. It was my kids fault for instagating it.. we were at a wedding for my wife's side yesterday without the kids. I got talking to my brother in law and him and I both agree that give it a couple weeks and shot will be back to the way it was with ss15. I'm actively saving and looking for a place. On top of starting my own company again by the end of May. I find myself daydreaming about how I'll set it ip and how much calmer it will be. The shitty part is the last time I was a single dad my sister was alive so we hung out alot with our kids. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I'm with above posters... Normally I don't suggest to just run... But seriously??? Attacking you? Do they think you should magically be more "happy-go-lucky" when he's being a little s***.

Rather than keeping calm, I think it may be time to square up and throw some punches to protect yourself. (not literal ones)

Fedupskiddad2's picture

I warned ss15 who turns 16 next month when he hit 14 if he came at me physically  like a man I'm responding like a man. Well shortly after his 14 bday he started screaming at me then did this weird flinch lunge forward at me so I spun him around and down we went and into a submissive move(I trainned for amature cage fighting) until he calmed down. Got up and I told him "look dude I love you but you out weigh me by 100 lbs and I'm not going to put up with you thinking you can intimidate me in my home or physically attack me. Anyone else would have split you face open. ". The last time it happened wife called the cops and I had him in an arm bar until they arrived and they arrested him. That was the first time he went to juvie. He has been allowed by mom to act like that with no consequences. I had only been dating her for 4 months and at 12 years old he did over $1200 in credit card fraud on me and his grandmother. I told my wife I'm gone if she doesn't press charges. I was so pissed the police made him go to that same grandma's that night. She does not and never has any real consaqconses for either of her boys. That action by him ruined two bank accounts and I'm still paying for it. He was on no report probation for 3 months. And it's only went down hill.from there. She was stressed out so I took over at school for her with some. Got him in football and handled the school. Well within a month he wasn't in trouble anymore, had all A'S and B'S and on the team. I stopped when we had a huge blow out about how I was to hard on him and I needed to back off a bit. Within a week of my disengagement he was suspended from school. I'm not a perfect person or dad but I sure as hell pulled alot of stuff when I was younger and I know that had I stayed involved we wouldn't be at this point. Sorry about such short to the point sentences. I could type for hours on this subject. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

What you've shared in this post clearly shows that your wife (and the gmother) are weak enablers and the reason her sons are so screwed up.  It's too bad that she can't go to parent boot camp while you whip those boys into shape, but what's done is done.

Leaving will show your bios that a strong person doesn't stay in a toxic relationship. Kudos to you for recognizing that there's too many loose screws and moving parts to salvage this relationship. If I lived nearby, I'd show up with my truck to help you get the he!! out.

My advice to meet with a divorce attorney still stands. You need to be vewwwwy strategic about your exit, both to protect your finances and to shield your kids from fallout.

Fedupskiddad2's picture

Thank you to everyone for your responses. I read through them and tried responding to them. It's 6 am and I've been up since 430 am. I'm trying to be as unbiased as I can in what I'm saying as to not be one sided and have the "oh poor me". But after reading the responses from you guys I'm starting to realize I'm not the problem. It's hard though when you're made to feel like you are and start to question yourself and decisions. 

ldvilen's picture

This contradictory advice re: SP'ing is so sad and yet so typical. "I was told by wife and previous counselor to inform wife of things with SS and let her handle them. Now I get told I have to engage."  This too: "It's hard though when you're made to feel like you are and start to question yourself and decisions."

I've been saying for years that SPs have to do what works for them, because no sooner does a SP start doing something, than there is someone there (incl. some professional counselors) telling them it is wrong.  SP'ing is truly a world where you cannot win.  It only works if you have a strong and supportive partner, and if the child (and this includes adult children) get some sort of permission from the other parent to even bother to give you the time of day.  Without this, you are pretty much doomed to be thought of and treated as by the entire initial family as sloppy seconds, and who wants or expects to wind up in that type of situation?  No one.

Everyone seems to insist after a divorce the children be put first.  What does that really even mean?  More patience and understanding to a point, yes.  Acting like kids are #1 for life, no.  All that does is give kids too much power, and translates into children being allowed to or even forced to take on adult roles, while the adults (including SPs) are supposed to put up with and conted with being treated like children.  #1 mess up in divorce/SP'ing situations.  It really isn't so much about putting children first or putting the marriage first.  It is about honoring the roles:  Spouses are spouses, children are children, Exes are exes, parents are parents.  When a spouse goes to a child for support vs. a partner or goes to a child to take aim at a partner, they are treating that child like more like a spouse and their true partner like an enemy.  Thus, you wind up with a child who can control and manaipulate their parent to the max. and knows it.  They wind up seeing manipulation as the way to win vs. self-effort.

And, all of that is done and set up for life with this kid with very little input from you.  Mom and/or dad made that choice, and not you.  Yet, you go into the counselor's office, and it is all of your fault and doing for not playing along with mom or dad's or society's expectation.  Welcome to step-world!: It is a crazy, backward world where you can never do anything right and rarely win.  It is a world where you are sloppy seconds and a convenient scapegoat for every initial family ill that occurs for years to come.  And, society, and counselors sometimes, endorse this.  Well. . .  that may be an exaggeration, but not by much.

P.S.  Sad thing is, I get the feeling your SS actually likes you, and even likes that you put him in the child role vs. the parenting role his mom seems to want to put him in.  Children crave stability and not necessarily responsibility.  Too much responsibility can be overwhelming to children, even tho. many claim this is what they want.  Too bad momma doesn't have your back.  If she did, then your blended family may have very well worked, and in addition, she'd have a child who valued self-effort vs. manipulation.  But, neither she nor the counselor will ever have any idea what an opportunity they passed up.  Honoring the roles is the only way to go.

Fedupskiddad2's picture

You hit the nail on the head. He even said " " that fedupskidad rules are easier because they are set but moms are different from day to day and I can manipulate her". He freaking said that right in front of the therapist and counslers. Not one freaking thing was mentioned about it. the he proceeded to say that I treat them different and I calmly just said I the same rules and expectation for all the kids. Wife got snotty and started to snicker. She said "you let your kids get away with alot, the way you let them talk to you and act. You would yell or get mad at my kids for acting that way". Uhh no, mostly my kids and i joke alot   and I am far from a Disney dad. My oldest and I banter to the point we're crying and laughing at the same time. Her two are VERY socially akward and make the most inappropriate comets and are just nasty when you try to kid around. My daughter has 3 classes with ss14 and she said that almost no one likes him because he acts like a total dbag to people and when I've tried to give him advice when he's asked my wife pipes in with " it's ok ss14 you just be you and either they except you for you or they don't". Uhh no this is not how this works. He is at a very important age and needs to be taught proper socially acceptable behavior. That's the short version of the conversion. I'm just so drained from all this. I have severe rheumatoid arthritis in my wrists,ankles and fingers. Part of the disease is being tired all the time. I just don't have the patience to deal with this shit anymore. Hell my daughter went to my dad's this weekend to Clean horse and donkey stalls out with a shovel and wheel barrow. Her kids have went and played basketball for 1/2 hour at the ymca and have sat on there ass's the rest of the time playing video games. My bio son 15 has a 8 hour shift today loading, unloading and stocking shelves at the hardware store today. It's a total difference in parenting that I wish I would've seen before I asked her to marry me.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You will be amazed at how your health improves once you're out of that situation. 

Periodically someone will make a post on this issue, and the feedback shows that SPs living in stressful step situations commonly have all sorts of health issues. Likewise, when the situation improves or they leave,  their health and mental state improves, too. 

No way should a person with RA be living in a powder keg like yours. 

ROOP's picture

sounds like you are in a bad and unfair situation. Give yourself some credit. Kids need structure in their lives and their mother is not providing it for them, and mocking you for giving that to your kids. They will make you miserable for the rest of your life, maybe it’s time to take your kids and go solo?