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Dis.In.Gaged!! !!!

StepUltimate's picture

So I'm practicing "disengagement" right now. This morning, high school senior SS17 tells me his bike tire is flat and can he have a ride to school? It's 7:45am, school starts at 8:00. DH at work totally unreachable, even if there was time. SS17 lets it slip that last night on his way home the tire was so low he didn't think he'd make it home, but he did. Immediately I recognized his standard manipulative m.o.: wait until it's too late for any other option, then ask for a ride from the person who knows you'd rather skip school & get high instead but really wants you to be at school.

Some background: we got SS17 a car over a year ago (last Summer), when he was 16. A sweet little sporty 6-cylinder our friends gave us and we fixed up... stupidly hoping this would inspire SS17 to stop getting high, get a job so he could pay his own insurance & gas (we're not going to pay for those, ever, plus we know if he's not mature enough to get himself through that process he's not mature enough to be entrusted with the driving privilege), maybe even get better grades for the insurance discount, and experience the awesome freedom of being a licensed, insured driver with a sweet car.

So lazy con artist SS goes on to say he thought to walk his bike to a gas station to fill the tire, but then he'd be late for school (as if he's really concerned about his attendance record). I confirmed I would take SS to school & that he should bring his skateboard so he'd have a way to get home. As we pulled out of the driveway, I said "Your car is looking dusty & neglected," because it's sitting there undriven because there's still no drivers license, still no studying the test, still no end to the laziness & preference for getting high is still running strong. I also repeated twice that he needed to take care of the bike tire right after school.

Now it's 9:30pm, DH is asleep. SS arrived home, ate, went to his room. Tire still flat. I'm planning to wait until SS asks me for a ride in the morning before I let him know he can ride his skateboard or walk his bike to the gas station. Aside from laziness, one reason I don't think he'll be willing to do that is because he's broke. Had a job, but instead of saving to be able to pay for car insurance, all that money has likely gone "up in smoke" literally and figuratively.

So no matter what, SS isn't getting a ride from me tomorrow. He might call BM to take him, but she's even lazier than he is so unknown if she'll do it (if she even answers his call). Either way. After that, I'll let DH know that SS17 needs to fix his own tire instead of spending 5+ hours after school with his drug buddies getting high & forgetting they need to grow up and handle LIFE.

It's petty but a big step for me to not remind him to handle it, and to not ask my DH to handle it or help SS. DH tried to call SS today but no answer, straight to voice mail. No longer am I "doing for" SS what he shouls be doing for himself.

somethingwicked's picture

When DH gets up tell him that his pwecious is going to need a ride to school or to a gas station to fill the tire.
Then have DH wake the lazy POS baby man early to get going.
I would not take him anywhere.
You are disengaged.
That means you devote nada ,zip,nothing of your input or time to the skid.
Good luck.I hope you prevail.
And if DH is at work because he is an overnighter then tell the skid call your mother or a friend for a ride.And you walk away.

StepUltimate's picture

Thank you so much. I have already started to experience how disengaging actually helps my DH "see" what's going on with SS17 better, because I'm not in the way to be accused or blamed or mad at... I am simply not involved. SS was hatched with his BM's gene for knowing how to detect weakness & manipulate, but if I'm not the one busting him or informing DH on SS's latest b.s., SS can't blame me or act like I'm victimizing him. Very grateful for this site- trying to learn from you all instead if being rolled by this sweet, smart, wounded SS who BM trained in some heinous & pathetic ways.

Cover1W's picture

You need to leave the house early for an emergency errand/work and will not be there to help with anything.

StepUltimate's picture

Trust me, I have done that very thing several times already. Anticipating some bullsh*t con is brewing & being gone before it hits. Great suggestion, thank you.

Ispofacto's picture

Where does he keep his pot? In your house? If you find any in his room, I'd call the cops on him. No way is anyone ever bringing drugs in my house.

StepUltimate's picture

Pretty sure he keeps it @ friends house now as we busted him & confiscated his weed (LOL earlier this year I threw a container of his weed in a garbage can several blocks away only to come home later to find our trash bin rummaged thru) AND his high school now has regular random police dogs on campus to find any drugs, so he had to relocate his stash. DH also threatened if he brings drugs in the house again he's OUT, and SS could tell this was no joke.

Where does he get it? It's all around, everywhere, and almost harvest time. Our State has legalized "medical dispensaries" on top of that, and unfortunately plenty of parents want to be the cool friend instead of parents, so they think it's Acting Responsible to let teens party at home while they're home. I've been lectured that I should provide a safe space for SS & friends to party... seriously! I had hippie parents & grew up around alcoholics & full-time stoners so that "party" doesn't sound so mythically ideal to me because I was there as a child and it was not cool.

Acratopotes's picture

mmm fine he had a flat this morning and you helped out also saying to fix it after school - it's normal...

he did not, now if he wants a lift again, smile and say, sorry no can do, I helped you out yesterday, you did nothing to help yourself, I do not see any reason why I should help you if you can't help yourself, no bogus story about emergency at work or what ever, a old fashioned NO is enough,

Why should you help some one who does not want to help themselves?

Now for that little sporty car standing just there, why not sell it?

StepUltimate's picture

We'll see what happens with the car. I did leave early- DH was up & made SS17 get up - I'd completely forgotten that hubby has shown SS multiple times how to use DH's Compresser that Lives in our Garage, and DH is pissed at SS. Said he was going to take SS to the garage & make him do everything. "Cool, he's handling it," StepUltimate thinks to herself, and gets in the shower. Approx 15 minutes later, step out of the bathroom only to be asked by SS from down the hall if it's okay to take his shower (small hot water heater) and I say yes... and go out ther asking DH, "So how'd it go?" but the response is, "He's gonna take a shower 1st then do the tire. He didn't want to get dressed then have to get undressed to shower again."

WTF right? DH hates hearing me point out how he gets played by SS so I bailed. Fully expecting that if the tire has a hole, SS will be getting a ride even though DH told him he's not getting one and lectured SS (again) about taking care of business, and doing nothing for over 48 hours about this flat tire & expecting others to give him rides becsuse he's so lazy.

I failed to 100% disengage - not with SS but in even discussing his latest b.s. with DH because part of me is really scared that if I'm not saying anything, SS & DH will assume things are fine and expect me to continue to live with an 18 year old h.s. grad with this same level of unwillingness to own ANY of his responsibilities - which is what we are living right now. I fear that SS will once again manipulate DH, and that DH's only punishment or consequence is the actual tire-airing episode. I could be wrong but I've seen to much to NOT have an educated idea of what's going on. So yes, today I left so there's no involvement or blame for me.

StepUltimate's picture

Clarification: SS17 just started his senior year of high school. My fear is that his same lazy manipulative b.s. will still be in play (same level of effort = same/similar results, right?). DH assures me if that's the case, SS will be out.

Acratopotes's picture

start working on DH now..... SS will be out after school or at least have a paying job and pays rent..

nothing you can do about a lazy ass boy in the house, start preparing Daddy for next year

StepUltimate's picture

Yes, thank you. We went to our 1st marriage counseling sesh today & it was good (mainly intro / background). SS aired the tire & rode his bike. Counselor assigned me & DH homework to discuss & write down what we each expect, and a list of consequences THAT WE AGREE ON for specific things SS does or does not do. He also admonished DH that HE needs to make sure SS treats me with respect & to let him know anything short of that is unacceptable (thank you counselor!); that under God, wife is #1. He also emphasized we need to present a united front. I am really glad we went, and for your good suggestions. Thank you.