My DH85 was the same - paid CS plus health insurance + all school costs + all kids' sports + all clothes + medical and dental costs + + +.  Plus bought BM a car.  He wanted his kids to have a good life, his own childhood hadn't been great.  It was hard to watch plus BM was dumping them here every second they weren't in school until all 3 moved in full time.  It was a trip.

I see both sides. On some things, I agree with 1dad5kids. CS is mandatory and doesn't always take into account extracurriculars. SD10's gymnastics fees seem like fees associated with the "price of having a child" versus above and beyond expenses.

Now SS17, that's a different story. I had a job at 17, but my dad bought "my" car (titled to him, so I basically had the privilege of driving it and keeping it running). To get a job where I lived, I needed a car because my parents worked weird hours that meant they weren't reliable to take me, and public transport didn't exist in the suburbs. So, I had access to a car and my dad paid my insurance so that it never lapsed. But if I actually wanted to *drive* the car, I had to earn that money, either from a job or doing extra chores around the house.

There is a balancing act with young adults. OSS is 20 and he drives one of our cars. We pay his car insurance, have him covered on health insurance, and pay his cell phone. BUT, to get all that, he has to be in school full-time getting good grades (he does) and he is responsible for all his other living expenses (e.g. student loans above his 529 account, toiletries, gas and oil changes, etc). That all started when he got his license.

He graduates in December with his BA, and we've told him he can live here until the summer. But, he'll have to work full-time. Once next summer hits, we'll sign the car over to him and help him get set up with his own car insurance. We'll probably keep him on our cell plan but make him pay is portion. We'll keep him on health insurance until he gets his own or turns 26 since it doesn't cost us any extra to have him on the family plan. We don't want him to drown, but we also want him to recognize that he has to work for basic necessities.

Giving teens responsibility is a smart idea. Your SS throwing a temper tantrum because Daaadddeeee won't bankroll his weekends means he hasn't learned about responsibility yet. I can totally understand why that would frustrate you to no end (and because I've been there, done that with a BM who couldn't budget her way out of a wet paper bag if she had to). Just don't let *every* expense frustrate you. Some can be legitimate even if they feel like they shouldn't be because of poorly managed spending elsewhere.

How much the child needs for extras depends on how much the NCP is paying in CS, imo.

My DH is a high earner, so Satan got so much CS, she didn't work and bragged about getting a raise every time DH got a raise.  DH was supporting her entire household, including her bf Mealticket during his frequent unemployments.

So when she kept coming to him for extras, he finally cut that off.

But yes, a 17yo should definitely be working!

I have both sides too - on one side - kids need to appreciate and work for things.

Kids also need help sometimes.

SD23 appreciates nothing and will use any excuse not to work. She was catered to and given everything she wanted, and still wants and expects that. No drivers license so her mother will drive her around and do pickups as do her friends. She got mad the other day because toxic troll didnt have money to buy her a new vape.

SD16 seems more appreciative. But somehow no job...and hasnt completed the online drivers class for permit, so I fear that she will follow the patterns set by her sister...keeping fingers and toes crossed.

DH still pays SS cell phone. He's 28 with full time engineering job and just rented a 3 bedroom house for just himself.

We have always split the cost of all agreed extra-curiculum activities, schoool fees etc with BM (and this is separate to CS). BM wanted half of DH's salary until the kids were 18 and then him to pay for all school feeds and activities on top - we pushed back with everything is 50/50 and held that line until she eventually accepted it and stopped complaining and/or trying to change it.