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SS not long for our house

StepUltimate's picture

So yesterday DH and I discussed his Friday phone call with SS18, who apparently apologized and stated he needs more time. So, while it's clear that DH is on the same page as me and keeping to his word, SS is avoiding & trying to drag it out. I reiterated I will be converting SS's room back to a guest room, and DH already told SS we'll be changing the locks and that he'd better "figure something out." DH also told SS he needs to have a family talk with the three of us. I agreed as long as SS is clear that it will be him telling us his plan, NOT him negotiating to stay. He already spent the last two months elsewhere like 99% of the time (LOVE!), allegedly because it's too harsh at our house. I'm not changing nor am I extending the freeload party for SS beyond August 25th, when the CC semester begins (recap: SS18.5 has no license or insurance for the car we got him 3 years ago, and hasn't studied for the drivers tests. School or military was required after graduation in order to live with us, and SS just graduated in June but has only partied away his $$ from the part-time job he started in May. He never even signed up for classes; we spent the past 4+ years hearing how SS was going to get a certificate.). So he's just out of rope. 

Having finally disengaged, I am out of these discussions with SS. It's hard for DH and I am proud of him. SS is actually helping by not changing a thing, continuing his ways. This allows DH to clearly see what's up without me being the messenger or perceived antagonist. I told DH I seriously doubt SS will have anything to say to me if he knows there's seriously no option of pulling out another fake, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have XYZ... I should have XYZ... etc." Yes, SS, you SHOULD have and SHOULDN'T have but you both DID and DID NOT so now that you're an adult, deal with the consequences! The time for daddy stepping in & covering for your failures is over. The time StepUltimate had to parent you & teach you better than what NPD BM trained has been over for more than a year. Lying, manipulation, laziness, and dependency are NOT values I taught and will not continue to be a lifestyle I support now that SS is 18. 

Feels good, very freeing. I came to this site in anguish and dispair a year or so ago and am so grateful for all the experience, wisdom & encouragement from the ST community. Ya'll are priceless.

StepUltimate's picture

Feeling very grateful today. StepTalk seriously saved my sanity! I came here totally bummed, the SS/Guilty Daddee writing was on the wall, and I was at a loss for how to deal with being in the SMom role. I wanted so much for super-smart & handsome SS to adapt our ways so he could enjoy how great life is and all the opportunities, but his first 13 years with BM damaged him- his values, his worldview, his self-perception. All done in evil selfish narcissustic hatred by a female who should have never had kids. SS has his dad's heart though so while there's a lot of hope for him, it's clear he's chosen the difficult path. I am sad for him but relieved for our marriage. The past two months are so different. Got a lot better for me once I disengaged & stopped letting it take up so much energy and head-space.

StepUltimate's picture

So SS18 showed up about 45 minutes ago; yes, I was on red wine glass 2. DH works tonight & I thought I'd be home alone. Anyway, SS ate something then came & talked to me for a few. He said he needs to stop hanging out at his friends house (been staying there almost full-time for weeks, all Summer) so I asked why, and SS said all he does is play video games there and "I need to be driving." 

This is Impression Management 101. SS was posturing as if he's concerned that he's not driving or signed up for college, and explaining in such a way as to garner sympathy because "he knows what he should be doing" and "wants to do the right thing." 

Rather than buy into that b.s. and get played, I stayed Detached & played Nice Auntie. I listened but didn't feed into it or buy it. I was just polite. I know that the narcissist manipulation training from the bio-mom is what I observed. I've cut off his supply so SS was giving me crumbs to get excited over; only, he's not aware I no longer buy his b.s. or get hopeful & encouraged when SS expresses confession-like self-reflective comments. He just throws these out as bones to keep the heat off & postpone any confrontation or challenging discussion. 

I texted DH this update: "SS18 just said goodnight & went to bed. He was saying something about how he needs to start driving and to stop hanging out at Friend's house and I asked why, and SS said because he just plays video games there. He also said Friend told him he could use his computer, but it didn't sound like he'd used it to do anything yet. So he's not talking about plans for living elsewhere or doing anything, just explaining that he's aware he hasn't done what he's supposed to do and has the use of Friend's computer. Not sure what the explanations were for. Hoping thats not the "Family Talk" you told him we needed to have."

Maybe that text was a bad move for a disengaged person. I wanted to let DH know what SS is presenting does not match what me & DH are talking about. I am not telling SS he has to move out; that's DH's job. I am staying out of it and telling DH tomorrow that he needs to reiterate that when college starts, SS needs to get his stuff out because the room is becoming a guest bedroom again. It is on DH to make that clear, and I will be reporting back here with updates.