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I will not live with SS again

StepUltimate's picture

Close to a year, marriage on life-support, now DH thinks its in the realm of possibility to have SS19 charm me into agreeing to let him move back in. See my blogs from a year ago for backstory.

I am no longer afraid of the D-word; it's been thrown my way four times now in the past year.

Truely I haven't posted in a long time becsuse I know there will be a "Divorce-his-*ss" pile-on that whether or not that's where this is going, I haven't been in an okay-enough mode to handle it. 

We went to 10 marriage counseling sessions since May. DH got the expensive, financed, midlife-crisis ride (vehicular) and I've been f*cking CHOKING ON IT and HUMILIATED. Yes, I spli5 finances late last year, at everyone here's suggestion.

Totally unsure how this is going to resolve. My heart is heavy, anxious, sad, wary, suspicious, betrayed, chumped, and grieved. "Owner of a Lonely Heart" by Yes is playing right now. 

Rags's picture

I am sorry for your pain.  Never forget to take care of you.

As for the toxic SS... He is an adult. He cannot live in your home without your consent.   DH needs clarity on this.

tog redux's picture

Sorry you are struggling.  Seems like in the end, your DH cannot truly put your needs first in any situation and will always do what he thinks is best FOR HIM. This has nothing to do with what's best for SS19 or for you.

At least you split finances.  What are you humiliated with in terms of his midlife crisis mobile?  (Not judging, I'd hide if my DH bought a Corvette, and I would sure as hell never ride in it).

StepUltimate's picture

Beyond putting $5k down & financing the rest of a brand new ride? The fact that DH still hasn't paid his BFF the $5k he borrowed (during financial crisis when DH's then-industry flatlined, loan paid for classes & certificstion in DH's new industry, where he's been doing very well). That is humiliating for me! I wanted him to pay that back before we were married, but now DH makes a lot more but still selfishly put the new vehicle 1st. 

That, plus less than $20k in his retirement & no savings, but driving a shiny 2019?!? Humiliating for me. I'm a "Business 1st" person, and don't like it that DH put that loan on the back-burner. He'd committed to paying that off but switched gears. 

Rags's picture

Midlife crisis car and yet no retirement investments?  Run or you will be his retirement sugar mama.

Nope, that is not how equity life partnerships work.

Take care of you.

Harry's picture

He just can not let SS move in.  That a big. Just say No.  NO, adult SS is moving in here.  DH can rent an apartment, and go live with SS.  If SS is more important then his marriage, what do you have anyway..  The right to say I did not get a divorce? 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

(Hugs)

SteppedOut's picture

Wow. I'm sorry! I thought for sure this wouldn't be an issue for you again!

Yea, him buying a car like that before paying his friend back is embarassing. And low down... I can only assume his friend has seen it? Whew, that's a good way to lose a friend. 

As for the rest... I certainly hope he doesn't keep pushing for skidult to move in... or move him in and surprise you with it. 

I don't blame you one bit for putting your foot down on this! No way you should have to re-home this little looser. 

piegirl's picture

I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but unfortunately I don't. Thinking of you...

Rags's picture

It is always disappointing when kids fail and worse when they fail doing exactly what parents caution them not to do.  

Fortunately most kids do get it right eventually.  Hopefully your stoner POS SS is one of those.   Until then... let him suffer the results of his choices.

Enjoy your life.

lorlors's picture

That is very embarrassing that DH is driving about in a brand new car and he hasn't paid the friend back first. That is really bad form on his part and suggests to me that he is a bit of a user. Surely the friend has noticed his new wheels?

As for the SS moving back in: 'Over my dead body DH'. End of story. Non-negotiable.

Tryingtomakeitwork's picture

You are in I are in the same boat.  I empathize.  Only I made the decision to divorce.  DH will never change, and neither will ss22.  DH taught ss2 how treat me and him, and that is how it is.  I cannot phathom any life with ss22 in it, as I would never allow anyone as mean and disrespectful to be even a small part of my life.  In fact, people like ss22 are dead to me in public, and they know it.  Only, I started over again and again with ss22, hoping he would come around and be nice.  Don't get me wrong, I called him on all of his crap, enforcing consequences, and apparently dh didn't know it...or he chose to look the other way, not supporting me.  Life is too short to put up with crap.  I am not afraid to be alone.  I would rather be alone than be with the wrong person.  I feel lucky to have my future with respectful, nice people.  "Screw" the rest of 'em.

Nortoner's picture

Been there, done that.  Had SS21 move in for a year, it killed my relationship.  DH and SS moved out for 21 months.  DH and I got back together and now we have SS (now 25) moving in and out like it's a hotel.  I feel angry, resentful and depressed. SD21 is talking about moving to the country....if she does, she's living in a flat NOT our house.  DH will pay for it though, no doubt.   I swear DH thinks he's some sort of millionaire, paying for anything they want.  I'm sick of it, this wasn't what I signed up for (YES I knew he had kids, NO I didn't know they were so financially useless).  Do NOT let him move in, for the sake of your sanity.