Your wife is allowing her almost adult child to disrespect her husband in the family home. Not only is she allowing it but she's actively engaging in it which shows the child it's not only acceptable but maybe even encouraged.

You have every right to set barriers in your home. Maybe you can't make her go to bed but you sure as heck can demand "quiet" hours at certain times. I would also fully shut off the internet WAY before midnight. This kid has to learn to be an adult which means being able to go to sleep at a decent time to be able to get up when she needs to to do her job which is currently going to school.

I think you are very right to say "I'm leaving at X with or without you. You're not there you can figure it out."

If you feel fully disengaging is correct then go for it but it feels like you've made your demands and they were met though your wife not speaking to you is an issue in my mind.

Really the issue starts there. I would be seeking couples therapy because I see her behavior as belittling and disrespectful to you her partner. If she doesn't show you respect why would her daughter? What is your role in this home if she behaves like this?

She seems so disrespectful and that's a huge issue when being under your roof. Why do parents enable their kids this way? I would so don't give her anything and take a away her game system, her phone while she's home. Let her. Be bored so she can see that her life is really privledeged and she's being super spoiled. And as for your wife, she needs to agree that taking her stuff away for a temporary time is a lesson. 1am is too late to goto sleep...she sounds so spoiled

"fully financially supporting her"

Wait. Does DW pay anything?

oh dear,

1. Disengage, treat SD like she treats you, and you are right if she's not ready by the time you have to leave, then leave without her, she can walk to school, why should you be late for work to cater to princess??

2. Your wife is probably not working being a foreigner, and you are paying for everything, simply cut the wifi or change the password for your use only, if they can't contribute towards the house hold they can't have the perks, it's that easy and their contribution can be in form of, cleaning the place, preparing meals, doing your laundry, respecting you and treating you like a human being.

3. I would find out about lessons in their language, they don't have to know I'm taking lessons, let them go on talking about you in their native language, and one day when you had enough and can speak it, get back at them in their own language but saying... That is not very nice to say about me, I hope you enjoyed making fun of me but it seems to me that you forgot who's financially supporting you, it ends now... Oh try and record it and watch it daily, you will enjoy the looks on their face..

I am sorry to say, but you married the wrong woman, seems like you've been together for 18 months only and already married 12 months, she only came to your country for a better life, not because she loves you. I might be wrong, she might be in your country for 5 years already or just for 18 months..... or she might simply married you for citizenship

Welcome to StepTalk! You sound like a generous man who likes to take care of people - but unfortunately your kindness is being taken advantage of.

Well done for setting some boundaries with your wife and SD - you may need to set a few more as well. I don't think it's right that your wife and SD speak their own language when you are present - fine when you aren't, of course - but this will make you feel excluded and marginalised and they need to understand that. If they can't speak English properly they need to take lessons.

If your wife doesn't work and has money - she should of course contribute to household expenses - not use you like the walking wallet. She can't keep that money for possible future SD's stuff. Really your wife needs to start pulling her weight and you need to be a bit tougher with them both.

As a foreigner who married an American I know it can take a while to get into the 'work' mode. However after a year she should have her SSN and an at the very least a conditional green card which means she can get her arse out there and get a job. It actually took me 3 mths to get my SSN and then it was out to work. I have stayed at the same job for the last 14 yrs.

Your wife needs to get her ducks in a row and get working. As for the language .... just cut the wifi every time it happens.

They moved here from another country, and at home they speak their native language – even though they both speak English very well.

Wow, that is extremely rude. I would be tempted to disengage from the wife, also.

My children walked 15 minutes to school every day in a cold northern state. I was usually already on the train to work, but even if not, they still walked unless the weather was bad. They did walk home in blizzards if there there was no other option. There is no reason why SD cannot walk every day; walking is beneficial; this young lady moves here and expects a chariot to take her to school

People tend talk in the language they are most comfortable with when around others they have a history with. My exDH was from another country. People went back and forth in languages with me present, and I had no problem asking people to translate. I eventually became fluent in the language because I had an interest in learning it.

But both your wife and SD need jobs. It has been long enough. I would tell them they need jobs immediately and will be contributing to the home, SD will be walking to school and you will be treated with respect. Otherwise, nothing will change.

If your wife balks at the above, which is reasonable, I'd say you don't really have a marriage for the right reasons. You were the ticket to a green card.

You are trying too hard with these two women. I tried for 30+ years with DH and his adult kids. All I did was put my life aside for them. Not now! I am totally disengaged, except for maintaining my marriage.

Disengage from parenting this SD and let her mother handle it. I did this with YSS and DH. It works.

When they begin with the passive aggression, just leave the room, laugh at them and walk away. I do this now, it works.

Take care of yourself, by doing your own laundry, meals, etc. I guess what I am trying to say, live like room mates. This works very well, because you can do chores around the house like you are sharing living quarters. Ignore the SD and her BM issues. Have your own friends, hobbies, take care of your job and buy some ear plugs so you can get some rest. This is the way I try to live and I have much more time for myself. I set boundaries for myself in our home. I let DH know what they were: Respect, Consideration, and Communication; this is "our" home, but we are partners here and it is not for SD to put her nose into our home. I also informed him "I will show SD to the door at any time, if he doesn't like it, he goes with her".

My DH is now disabled and totally dependent on me; he appreciates me more than ever before, because his adult kids are no where to be seen, now that Dadeeeee....is a sick man. I chose to stay and protect my investment (38 years); it's very difficult, but there are ways to get around the treatment you are receiving.

I get it. Grab your boot straps and move forward one way or another.

Good Luck
Stay here for support.

The only other alternative is to leave.

Hi, welcome, and I'm sorry about this report. It's bleak.

I knew my husband a decade before I married him and there were still MANY surprises in store for me. You rushed in and should expect the wife and daughter are not who you thought they were because you hardly knew them at all. I think that's the real problem.

But you're married now, so...

You can't be sure they were mocking you. So put that in the back of your mind, but don't forget it.

Daughter can and should be walking to school. If she doesn't want to walk, most schools provide transportation. DONE. That's it. No more discussion. I don't know what is up with parents chauffering around their damn kids. They're all spoiled.

She's 17. She needs a bedtime. She doesn't have to be asleep, but in her room, TV and internet off. Midnight is too late. 10 p.m. is fair. She can stay up all night when she's out of your house.

As for your wife, I'm not getting good feelings about this. Keep an eye on her and your bank account. Money from a BF should go into the family account for daughter's expenses.

Do NOT buy SD a car. You will be footing the bill for her and her offspring when she has wheels and can get into trouble. The only transportation she needs is to and from school and she can walk that.

I know you love SD like she's your own, and that's noble, but SD probably doesn't feel that way about you. Protect yourself. Don't allow them to walk all over you. Although you are married, you really don't know either of them very well. It's a little late for prevention, but it's not too late for caution. You are getting the feeling all is not what you thought it was and I think you're right. Be very careful they don't take you for everything. I don't know who this BF is who's giving your wife money, but...just be very careful. People can do horrible things.

You put your foot down and now sd is walking to school and going to bed earlier, good. I think it's unrealistic to expect them to only speak English in front of you especially if you're not part of the conversation. Did they speak only English in front of you before you got married? If not then why do you expect such a shift now?

You got your foreign wife and now you want to change her, why?