Okay, this might be a little long, so bear with me. I have an 8yo and 18mo BS, as well as a 5yo SD (she’s been living with me half time since she was about 28 months old). She calls me ‘mom’ or my name interchangeably. She doesn’t remember a time when I wasn’t involved in her life, and I feel so, so bad, but I can’t stand her like 80% (maybe more, depending on the day) of the time.  

Her mother used to live three hours away, so I had SD a lot when she was littler, as I worked at the school she and my son went to and I said it was pointless to pay for daycare when I was home and had my son anyway (this was before I had my 18 month old as I am now a stay at home mom). 

Anyway, her mother has been living near here for the past 1.5 years, but I have still been taking her on her ‘dad days’ even when he is out of town for work. Recently I put a stop to this. Her mom only has the one kid whereas I have two (three with the SD). I told my SO that I would never expect someone else to take care of my son when I was perfectly capable of doing so. At no point would I expect my oldest's Dad’s girlfriend to watch MY child while I did whatever the hell I wanted to do. So that’s now come to an end, thankfully. But before I explained the whole ‘I wouldn’t force someone else to watch MY kid if I was perfectly capable of doing so, my SO thought that because he supports me that somehow she was my responsibility. I was like, “No, sweetheart. I didn’t birth her. You’re paying for me to stay home with OUR son so he’s not forced into 10-12 hours of daycare every day like your daughter was when her mom decided to work full time and go to school full time instead of parenting. Not my kid, not my responsibility unless I *choose* to take on that responsibility”. 

Let me explain the annoyance with her (and some of this is my own shit I need to work through I know): in the past few years I have noticed that she is ADHD with some sensory issues. There are probably other underlying issues to this as well, but since she’s never been thoroughly tested I couldn’t tell you what they are. Her teacher has refused to be honest about these attention issues too, so we are switching her schools next year. So the problem is that I just don’t (in any way shape or form) have the patience for an ADHD child. Breakfast is a hell ride, after school is a hell ride and the only time I really truly enjoy with her is time at the park or walking the town (she needs aaaaaalllllll the time to run around), taking her to her activities (dance, gymnastics and other summer activities) and bedtime once we’ve started reading. 

I also find it difficult to deal with the fact that she DEFINITELY received her mother’s brain (BTW: we all do really well co parenting together, for the most part. Getting on the same page sometimes can be tedious but we overcome). She’s not very intelligent and her dad is amazed at how smart our son is and how well he’s progressing because he’s so much more advanced than she was at his age. She absolutely hates having to engage her brain in anything and whines about having to do menial tasks she’s been doing for a long time (zipping her coat, putting on socks and shoes, sitting at the table and eating over her plate, going over the letters of the alphabet, etc.). I find it hard to engage with her because I’m almost always annoyed.  I try my best to be positive around her but good lord it’s hell. She whines and throws tantrums about everything under the sun, so even her regular voice has begun to annoy me. 

So I’m slowly disengaging and giving most of the parental responsibilities back to her parents.  I’m not watching her eat meals any more as that’s the most hellish experience in the world. My 18 month old eats better than she does.  So I go upstairs and drink coffee and plan out my day in the garden.  This summer I have signed her up for daycare twice a week (since her mom works days and I’d be responsible for her otherwise), and this might end up being all three week days that I would have her (I will still be carting her to and from activities on those days though, which is fine).  I hope all of this time away will repair my feelings for her.  Because as she gets older I know it can become worse (I grew up with a sister with ADHD and aspergers, and that was difficult enough; now I feel like I’m reliving that experience, except for the fact that my sister was SUPER smart and somewhat of a loner who relishes being in her own head—we get along quite well now that we don’t live together). 

Im not sure if I’m looking for advice or solidarity or just needed to vent. I love that little girl to death but I just don’t *like* her most of the time. It’s a difficult combo to get past. 

Thanks for listening to my rant.