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LevinaFia23's picture

How do you all do sports in coparenting or in the past? Every year it seems to be a block. The kids are only getting older. This is the perfect age to start sports but dh is wanting to avoid any drama woth bm. I understand that completely but eventually our kids should be able to play sports and not have bm be the reason every yr...

DS is almost 8yo and SS will be 10yo this summer. Last yr custody was changed over to dh being primary for the first time. Now that the biys go to school together and we're primary I didn't expect dh to say no so quick. The biys were excited about soccer. We haven't told them no yet. I'm just wondering what do you all do with sports with a crazy narc ex? If you're primary and they get them every other weekend how do you work that out? I'm thinking since the boys haven't been that great lately that may be the excuse this time but eventually they'll need to be in sports. Maybe this summer for a camp or something.

I'll quickly mention bm did have ss in sports before one time. When he was 7yo. Back when she had primary custody. Dh was so excited he got ss the baseball outfit, all the gear a whole baseball bag etc all brand new. She'd miss practices and games...and when dh wanted to come she definitely bailed those days. So im sure that's what's making him not want to do this but ds and ss deserve so normalcy with sports especially since we have ss primarily now how can this still be a reason? Did you all have to change the CO? I'm thinking it'd be easier for them to modify it for sports but idk where to start like how it'd look to propose to dh. He'd love his boys in sports he just doesn't see it working with bm involved or the way the eow schedule is currently.

Crr18's picture

It is good for kids to be in sports. Things to consider. Both bio parents should be on the same page because it is not just games. There are tons of practices and will DH be okay taking them all the time? Will you be okay with DH being gone for hours? Also money can be a factor. If BM is not willing it will all be on your DH. If that is okay with you and your DH then maybe you can try to modify so that you have the SS every practice and every game. I know everyone has different circumstances.

Mominit's picture

I am of two minds with this.  Our kids (sks and bks) were in sports.  It was valuble to them.  They have memories that will last their lifetimes.  It encouraged health, and fitness and team work.  It was a source of MUCH drama, but we overcame.

I, and my siblings, were raised in a very rural location where sports was not an option.  As a result we read, studied, played together as siblings and were outside out of plain boredom.  Which encouraged health and fitness and family.

I think many families (and if I might sterotype, North Americans) are very focused on children participating in organized sports.  They must have a team, and go to practices and games and tournaments.  It's not bad.  But it's also not the only thing to add experiences to a child.  If your child is a prodigy and bound for pro athletics...great.  But if the drama and interaction outweighs the benefit...let it go!  (my two cents, as someone who lived both sides)

Crr18's picture

Tons of drama! And yes too much organized sports takes away from actual family bonding .

Rumplestiltskin's picture

You say DS and SS. If DS is your son, i don't think it's right to prohibit him from doing sports if you want him to, just because SS's mom sucks. Maybe enroll them both and if BM doesn't take him on her time, oh well. At least he will get some participation. 

LevinaFia23's picture

Thank you all for the insight. I didn't think this through truthfully. SS just brought this info up today. Dh said he found it odd we are just hearing about this on the day payment is due. I don't like making hasty big decisions but they were so excited and dh was briefly at the time so I was shocked of his answer. I just sked him tonight why did he say no. Just to see his thoughts.

Before that I did read these responses and you all sent valuable info I didn't think about. I appreciate it. I could see not doing it this year bc it does seem nearly impossible with 1 car and dh normally out with it most of the time. We are working on getting me a car for these reasons where there's times I need to take the kids places. Also thought now hey do I even want to do all this and with a baby under 1? 

Talking to him he says this isn't a good idea bc SS gave this to us so last minute and he's obviously not gonna take it serious. It's a good idea to wait this out a year anf come back to it next Spring. They can work on their behaviors etc and hopefully we have a 2nd car by then. In the meantime this will be great for them to practice soccer together in the backyard it'll be nice to watch them at home play and learn together 

ESMOD's picture

Parents should not fall all over themselves for a last minute request when there clearly are logistics and resource issues to be considered.  But now that he knows his son has an interest.. it should be up to DAD to research the possible options for teams.. rec league play.. or other club options.. and he needs to find out what the obligation of time is.. and what happens when kids may not be able to attend everything due to visitation issues etc.. his son won't be the first kid in that position right?

your SO will also need to approach BM to find out if she is up for supporting the team activities on her time.. and he needs to understand what those are.. and BM may.. or may not be able to.. and all of this needs to be figured out before the kid is given a yes or no answer.. it's not fair to throw BM under the bus for the "no" when she only gets a few days a month.. and she may not want to tie them up with soccer practice... and that's fair really.

Sports are an extra.. not a requirement.. and while I gt that kids benefit from it.. if logistics and resources make it impossible?  maybe there are other EC activities.. that might fit the mold better?  like scouting.. or some other thing that has more latitude with not going on BM's weekend if she does object.

he can't force her to comply unfortunately.

and.. at this point.. with a new baby.. and no 2nd car.. it sounds like it isn't really financially a cost that your DH needs to spend is it?  He can buy a soccer ball and take his kid to the park for much less and still have the kid get some outdoors time and that may have to be enough for now.


SteppedOut's picture

To me it seems like a no brainer - kids can (and should) be told no. They simply do not get everything they want all the time. 

LevinaFia23's picture

All you said here is very much correct. When I asked dh I was mainly asking to see if this has to do with the CO in place. He said no not at all. Yep this is a 0 point for me clearly lol. This year isnt even possible and it's good nothing was done to move forward on it.

On here, I was wondering all the hindrances and what to do if it did happen next year. Good point that dh should really figure that out next time. He can say the no or the yes and next year and figure out the logistics. 

ESMOD's picture

Since his child has expressed interest.. your DH should look into options for sports and other activities.. he may find that the local YMCA may have something the kid would like to do..or something via a rec league.. or a church league etc..  There may be other types of activities like scouting that might be possible too.  He can see if the child's school has any after school activities also.

I would say though that if you are struggling financially.. these types of things are not a NEED.. but a WANT.. so prioritize accordingly.

There may be free or closer to free options out there.. it is up to your DH to find out what they are.. and while he may hate his EX.. he will have to coordinate with her if any activities will fall on her time.. 

Dogmom1321's picture

It was WAY too much drama for the HCBM to handle when SD12 was younger. She did gymnastics for one year only. BM refused to watch SD (7 at the time) at competitions if I was there. Would go to practice (not on her weeks) to corner DH into conversations. Refused to take SD to practice if she was mad about something... the list goes on! She ended up quitting after the year anyway, but I don't see how extracurriculars with HCBMs are even possible... They weren't for us anyway. 

LevinaFia23's picture

I could see this bc bm did this when ss was in baseball. We lived a bit away from the area when she was primary but he's travel out to her to get ss and of course the sport was there so dh had almost arrived to his first practice and he called and asked where was ss he we were pulling up and she said both? You can turn around. Lol um no.

This could be very dramatic. So far since dh is primary custody she suddenly has had 0 interest in ss schooling which is sad for ss but great that we have had no convos with her other than...well her texting to herself, that she's at the exchange location. Sports could reel her back in to talk and we both don't want that but yea sports could open that "gate" again esp bc it can intrude on her time. That must be considered for sure on dh part.

Crr18's picture

If they would both be driving him to practices etc. there could end up being conversations on every day that there is a game or a practice. Times for practices and games get changed and they will have to know which one of them is doing what and be careful on the day that there is some sort of payment to be madeBM will be sure to have plans and can't take him. There has to be boundaries and schedules. I know first hand about sports and the reprocuussions.

floralsm's picture

Ugh sports with skids are impossible with HCBM.. unfortunately for only SD. SS has been enrolled into his footy club every year thanks to BMs dad funding it and DH. There's no issue with SS being taken to trainings and games as BMs family are heavily involved in it her daddy pays for his grandsons footy for her. This year DH wants to pay half and BM pay half but I reminded him you will probably need to speak with BMs dad as he pays for it every year anyway. 

SD had no interest in footy and finds it boring and wanted gymnastics. BM insisted she organise it and SD went for a few years without being enrolled until finally DH organised it. BM was on board and agreed to pay for her weeks (Hahah!).. but of course DH never received a cent so DH paid every lesson direct debit with BM not giving him a dime. 
 The venue was 2 mins from BM house and SD school. There was no excuse for BM not to take her really.. but SD missed every single practice at BMs week. SD said 'oh I forgot I had it on'.. or 'we were busy'.. like how effing hard is it? It's literally a walk from her home. 
Of course BM being narcissistic and DH organising it and paying for it pissed BM off as it makes her look bad so SD misses out on her gym. SD8 is a bit of a space cadet and always forgot she had training in our week too which was confusing if she actually really wanted to do gymnastics anyway. Then SD said to DH the other day (he had to pull her out as it was costing us a fortune) 'oh when do I go back to gymnastics?' (she hasn't been for 6 months) and DH looked at her and said I haven't enrolled you as you stopped going and she was like 'oh really did I?' 
Goodluck DH. I have officially stepped away of the circus of sports and leaving it solely up to DH and BM to tackle for SD. It's too hard work for me to try and deal with. 

LevinaFia23's picture

Thanks for sharing. This really helps remind me, like the recent post to last poster, how much this person can be a joke. Sports really could reel her back in to talk. She literally hasn't asked anything about ss schooling since dh has had primary custody. But bc sports could intrude on her time I could see her making excuses to cause drama. I like the way things right now and everything you posted just confirned....noppe leave myself out and let this go. Ss forgets....even his homework folder eveey other week so I can't see that going left. Also dh mentioned he can tell ss would not take this serious bc of him giving us the paper a week late and on the last day to register. Things he wants to do he would've told us alot sooner. He's also currently on punishment and dh said he's probably just trying to find a way to do something since he's bored lol. 

I have to mention I like the idea of whoever said to find ways to do things that don't interfere or that's free. That's a great idea. Dh can loon that up also. You all remind me this is really dh business and I don't have to put things on myself. This really would jus run me ragged when I'm doing fine with less interaction going on at the moment. I got carried away for sure yesterday lol sharing stories like this help bring me back to earth lol also bm has been "away" for awhile I forget the craziness she can stir up as she's done in the past. May be quiet now so changing things jus wouldn't be too smart for me

floralsm's picture

Oh definitely find free sports activities. DH plays cricket out the back with both SD and SS and they enjoy that, or take them to the nets around the corner, a park to kick the footy, an exercise play gym for SD to climb and tangle herself into a pretzel.. and it's all free and builds memories for them too. 
Defintely also step back. One of the gem regulars on here says 'Not my monkey, not my circus' and it helps me disengage repeating that in my head. The sports is definitely not your circus to stress over.