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She is refusing having SS evaluated for autism

Biostep7777's picture
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My husband was diagnosed with autism last month. SS exhibits literally every sign of having it. SS had also said he feels different, he thinks he has "adhd or something" and wants to get tested. He told us both this and also said he asked his mom but she said "you are too smart to have anything like that" 

So, DH told her he feels he has to be evaluated, gave his assessment of SS and told her he would like to have him evaluated. 

BM said "SS is happy and engaged with me, he's a wonderful young man and  I don't agree with your assessment and if he's acting different with you, that is the real issue we should be addressing" 

She literally doesn't care about these kids. All they are to her are pawns to try and make DH look bad anyway she can. Insane. 

nengooseus's picture

We have dealt with this with HCBM for years.  If it's something she wants, she does it ASAP, regardless of DH's wishes, but if it's actually needed or DH thinks it should happen, she refuses and/or sandbags, and she's the Mom, so what she thinks is most important.

It's infuriating.

If your DH has legal cstody, he doesn't need her consent to have him tested, as long as he has legal custody.  He can request an assessment through school or a referral from the doctor.

nengooseus's picture

Either parent (or even stepparents, depending on the district) can ask for an evaluation for an IEP and assessement for autism.  He would likely need to talk to an assistant principal or a guidance counselor.  Some schools even have social workers that could help.

Alternatively, DH can tak him into primary care and request a referral.  As a joint legal custodian, that's his right.

Biostep7777's picture

According to BM he has zero rights even though they have joint custody. If DH doesn't want the kids doing something? She does it anyway. If DH wants the kids to do something it's a no and end of story. There's nothing we can do about it either. The courts don't care. 

Rags's picture

Drag her ass back to court for an ass beating in front of a Judge. Lather, rinse, repeat until she gains clarity.

DH can do as he chooses with his child on his time.

1dad4kids's picture

Yes this. Even though BM brought up SS11's ADHD, she refuses a second opinion or to have him re-evaluated. "He's thriving, can't you see that?"

Lady, you and I have a VERY different definition of thriving. 

Ispofacto's picture

Just to warn you, any kind of disability can be used to get a child on SSI and lifetime CS.  Satan deliberately tried to sabotage Killjoy's mental health and schooling for this purpose.

 

nengooseus's picture

And any of these diagnoses can affect the kid's ability to do things in the future, like serve in the military or other jobs with specific regulations.

Biostep7777's picture

He can function just like anyone else. His mind just works a bit differently then neurotypical people. There's nothing he would need to get in disability for it have a caretaker for or anything else. 

Gimlet's picture

Autism and ADHD have nothing to do with a lack of intelligence.  Being "smart" does not preclude either diagnosis and can actually correlate positively with them.   The irony of BM saying that.

I agree with nengooseus, get him tested anyway.  You don't need BM's permission and getting him help sooner than later if it does apply is the best scenario.

Biostep7777's picture

They have joint legal. They need to agree on these things. We will push it when we go to court. She's awful! 
Yeah, the checked DH's intellect and he is in the 99 percentile. My DH is literally a genius. SS is ridiculously smart as well. DH is very high functioning autism. (Aspergers but it's not called that anymore) 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Different states have different rules, but where i live joint legal doesn't mean that both parents have to do everything together. I can make Dr. appts and take them myself without my ex's permission. I can sign them up for activities on my time and handle everything myself. Could your DH make an appt and take him without BM even knowing? 

tog redux's picture

Right - but she can also cancel those appointments if he makes them, and create such a big stink that the service providers refuse to see the kid. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Only if she knows about it ahead of time. Although i don't know what the benefit of a diagnosis would be unless he needs ongoing services, which she would eventually find out about. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I agree. I have joint custody with my exH, I don't ask permission. 

In a case like this I wouldn't say anything to BM or even SS. Make the appointment, do the assessment and "ask forgiveness" with the court later if she tries to hold him in contempt.

If he has Autism. it would be medical neglect for her to not seek diagnosis and get him help where he needs it. If he doesn't your DH was just following SS's request and considering the family history he felt it was the right thing to do. 

Being Autistic has nothing to do with intelligence, it is how they relate to the world. My SS21 is very smart, in the gifted program through middle school. He has Autism. 

tog redux's picture

The OP's SS has very high-functioning Autism and from her post below, isn't really struggling at school or in any other way - he's just realizing he's quirky.  They won't consider that medical neglect. 

justmakingthebest's picture

ooohhh.... Yeah, if he isn't struggling in school, with friends, with other relationships in his life- I don't think I would push the issue. He can do an evaluation himself when he is 18. 

Biostep7777's picture

Yeah that's what SGE says but I promise you, as a person with ADHD I wish I had known when I was 15 and not found out in my 30's. I had internal struggles nobody knew about and having this information was life changing. If I could have avoided all of those years of struggle by simply getting evaluated?? It would have helped me so much. 
In  my husband's case, he feels the same. He just found out. He has managed to thrive in way that are very impressive. He graduated top of his class, went to one of the most prestigious college in the entire world, has great friendships, a happy marriage, is a wonderful dad, wonderful stepdad abd a wonderful husband. He is highly respected at his job BUT he has always felt "different" struggled with things internally that hurt his self esteem and having the knowledge of knowing he was autistic it would have avoided so much inner termoil. He wants that for his son. Plus, SS stated that he wanted testing done. That right there tells you he is smart enough to be aware that there may be something going on with him. That should be enough to have him tested. 

Tried out's picture

My granddaughter was diagnosed with ADHD when she was about 8 and that's when I discovered I, too, have ADHD. It explained so many things about me and helped me immeasurably to learn that there is a reason I always have a gazillion unfinished projects surrounding me. I'm not entirely a screw up after all. 

tog redux's picture

What is the goal in having him evaluated? Around here, anyone can diagnose autism, but in order to get any official services, they need to have a psychologist administer a test called the ADOS, and in our community, you might wait a year to be able to have that done (especially with COVID). 

You are better off addressing whatever academic, behavioral and emotional concerns you guys and he have, rather than asking for an evaluation for a specific diagnosis.

In other words, "SS is having emotional outbursts and struggling with social skills (or whatever), we'd like to have him evaluated by a therapist" is better than "we think he has Autism."

Either way, she can deny and obstruct, but it makes it more clear that he actually has some issues that he's struggling with, not that you guys want him to have a specific diagnosis (especially since your DH just got that same diagnosis).

Biostep7777's picture

DH did have a psychological evaluation. SS said he "feels different" and he gets really down on himself if he makes  a mistake. He has expressed this to both DH and her and he has even talked to me about if. She says he's "thriving" and he's "wonderful" and his old therapist from 5 years ago said he doesn't need to be labeled so that's her rational. The reason to get him tested is for his own awareness, his own self esteem and to be able to understand why his mind works the way it does. She's acting like he's perfect and he is thriving in academics and socially (he has so socially awkward it's literally ridiculous. He's 15 and has no interest in girls of anything that is common for his age. You know what he talks about 24/7? BEES! Yea that's right. Because most 15 year old boys are incredibly interested in need hives and being a bee keeper. He even walks around in bee keeping pants. But she thinks this is typical for his age? He can't look anyone in the eye, he is sooooo sensitive to noise and textures, he has hit issues, he walks in his tippy toes, he is sucism awkward, he does not have a normal conversation, he has tics. 
 

She sees none of this and thinks this only happens at our house? She's literally an idiot!! 

tog redux's picture

To be honest, this is not a hill to die on. She will sabotage any efforts DH makes to get him evaluated or get him therapy.  Many of these BMs do not want to be in therapy for their kids because they know they will be called on their parenting, and they also prefer the picture of the "perfect mom" and the "perfect kid".  Yes, DH could do it on his own, but she will make a giant stink about that and make your lives hell, why invite that?  He will be 18 in 3 years - he can do it on his own then and she can't officially stop it. 

If DH goes on his own and does it, he's inviting the court to give her sole custody because that will be spun as him cutting HER out. 

Biostep7777's picture

Agreed, DH would just like to help him. He definitely will not go and do it without her agreement. If she doesn't agree, she doesn't agree. 

notarelative's picture

he walks in his tippy toes

My OS did this too. It can be a result of short heel cords. Sometimes it can be helped by specific stretching exercises. OS started these at about five. You have to continue them as the child grows. OS got a good result from the exercises. If the exercises didn't work, he would have had to have surgery. 

Biostep7777's picture

Yeah it could be something else but constantly walking on your tippy toes isn't normal. Many kids with autism do this. That alone doesn't indicate he has it but that along with all the other things as well as a father with an official diagnosis?? Well. 

Rags's picture

Shopping for the syndrome of the moment being pimped by the pseudo science crowd is useless if it is used to justify crappy parenting or ill behaved children and not to drive a behavioral solution.

IMHO of course.