How do you handle appointments??
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I'm a biomom and if I make appointments for my kids I always check with their dad to see if that works for him as well so we can both be there.
My DH's ex just makes appointments than tells him and if it doesn't work for his schedule she says "oh well"
What's the right thing to do as far as appointments?? If he makes appointments he says "if this doesn't work for you we can reschedule to a time that works for both of us"
I guess I just feel like it's the appropriate thing to do. She doesn't take his job into consideration at all. If it works for her than it works. End of story. Maybe we are just being nice but I WANT my kids other parent there if possible. The children deserve that. Thoughts? How do you handle appointments??
She is playing games
She not dummy, She knows his work schedule. Monday to Friday. 9 to 5. She is doing this to tell the kids. " Your father doesn't care about you": He makes time with his SO. But not you.
Yoi have a long hard road ahead of you.
Oh I know. Trust me. Lol!!
Oh I know. Trust me. Lol!! She is an absolute nightmare and it's been going on for years! She's truly awful. I'm just wondering what is protocol when it comes to appointments. I think I just think about the kids and they will want their dad their so we make it work with both of our schedules but what is appropriate according to the courts. Is she good just informing him of an appointment and if he can make it great, if not oh well or is there more of an obligation between parents to ensure they can both attend while making appointments?
My husbands BM would always
My husbands BM would always take SD to appointments and not tell him until after the fact. He would schedule appointments for SD and tell her about them (because the court order says to inform the other parent of appointments) and BM would call and change them without telling my husband, and then after the appointment let him know she already took him. He just got tired of playing the game with her. BM just takes SD to all her appointments now.
Can they agree to just take turns with appointments? Really, both of them don't need to be there for things like yearly physicals or dental cleanings. It's excessive, especially with COVID.
Oh I agree!! I'm not talking
Oh I agree!! I'm not talking about routine things. I'm taking about speech therapy evaluations, braces being out on, parent meetings at therapists, doctor appointments for something more serious.
Maybe because I'm not a
Maybe because I'm not a parent, but logistically, it doesn't make sense for both parents to be at an appointment unless it's something specialized. A dental cleaning or annual physical doesn't require both parents there.
Now, both parents SHOULD know who the doctors are and have equal access to medical records. If there is an online patient portal, both parents should have access to it. That way, both parents can be informed, and if a parent has a question, they can ask the source: the doctor.
This just isn't a hill to die on for me. Know about the appointment time, and if you (general) feel compelled to spend PTO to go, then go. If it's a parallel parenting situation, then it should be decided in the CO who is responsible for routine medical care, and that person is responsible for informing the other parent of any upcoming or past appointments, in the case of urgent care. An email with "Joe has a physical at 2pm on Wednesday with Dr. Smith at Main Street Pediatrics" should be sufficient.
I agree. OP, it's admirable
I agree. OP, it's admirable that you value their father's involvement so much, I really mean that. But seems like a waste of time for two parents to take time off for a routine medical/dental appointment.
I'm not talking about routine
I'm not talking about routine appointments.I'm talking about appointments where both parents should attend.
Got it.
Got it.
BM here was an alienator and she also cut DH out of medical stuff as much as possible. It's all in their playbook.
They have joint legal custody
They have joint legal custody.
Joint legal doesn't mean they
Joint legal doesn't mean they have to do everything jointly all the time. It just means both parents have the ability to make appointments and medical decisions. They SHOULD consult one another, but aren't necessarily REQUIRED to.
Trust me, I understand the frustration. DH was never directly involved in the SSs' healthcare because BM committed Medicaid fraud more than once AND she is a hypochondriac that took the boys to the doctor for every little thing. DH would never be able to attend all those appointments she scheduled.
It irked me to no end that she'd schedule things and tell DH after the fact. But, he was never going to win against BM. Even with joint legal and joint medical, she had primary physical custody. He was never going to stop the appointments, so he learned to just ask about them and find out where they were going.
Should she have had a sit-down with DH and expressed all of her concerns, and should they have developed a joint plan of attack? Absolutely. But when you're dealing with crazy, what SHOULD happen and what CAN happen are two different things.
Parenting with crazy is not the same as co-parenting. Different rules apply. This is one of those instances where different rules apply. Your DH NEEDS the name of the doctors. He NEEDS to hand over a copy of the CO that states he has legal medical decision-making power. He NEEDS to inform the doctor that he wants access to his kids' medical records and any online portal for medical care. He NEEDS to set up alerts with the doctor's office so he is notified when appointments are upcoming (if they can do that; some systems can send reminders to more than one phone number or email address). He NEEDS to schedule any consultations after an appointment if he has questions.
Going to the appointment is not a need, though it may be a very good idea dependent upon the issues. If he can't get that information in a timely manner, and BM isn't going to change when she schedules appointments, then he has to figure out another way to protect his rights and get the info. It's not ideal, and it's not what should happen.
He can have it added to the CO that neither parent can make appointments without consulting the other, but BM will likely either schedule them anyway OR purposefully never be available when DH is so the kids don't get medical care. The only recourse, then, is to give in to BM or file contempt charges against her. It will be expensive getting an attorney involved and likely won't change BM's behavior (and likely won't switch medical decision-making to DH; she'll just end up with medical since she has been doing the medical scheduling for years).
You have to take the path you can live with. This is not the hill to die on.
"Joint legal custody doesn't
"Joint legal custody doesn't mean they have to do everything jointly all the time."
Exactly! I think a lot of divorced couples never really work out how to timeshare the kids and be civil. Going off on a tangent here, but my SO and his BM2 can't seem to get it right. When i came along, they were enmeshed. The only parenting BM would do was parenting along with SO. Together. At his house. And she called him 5 times a day.
When he tried to set boundaries, now it's the complete opposite direction. He makes a dr appt, she makes the same one but with a different doctor. Same with dentist and therapist. But when the kids were at his house 100% of the time, she never went to anything. Now, it's this crazy competition. She has now teamed up with her husband (that would be great if their goal were not to destroy SO and by proximity, me) and they are trying to outdo everything SO does. It's like, share the kids, communicate in a civil but not enmeshed way, and get over it! This woman can't seem to do it!
I guess what i'm trying to say is, there has to be a happy medium between doing everything together (you might as well stay married) and trying to outdo each other, fighting over the kids, and never communicating. Some people can't seem to find a way to divide the labor and be civil about it.
With my bio kids, i was
With my bio kids, i was always the one who did doctor and dentist appts. The ex never really participated, even after the divorce. It wasn't anything that anyone frowned upon. Where we live (Southern US), it's common for dads to not be super involved in medical things. I worked in the school system and it was rare to have a dad, married or not, who involved himself in doctor visits. Now, if there was something serious going on, i would tell the ex immediately. We've had a few broken bones and one hospitalization. He was definitely present at the hospital.
I guess i would say, however involved each parent was before they split, is probably how involved they will be after. I have known people who, especially if they are fighting each other for custody, will try to outdo each other as a control tactic, not wanting the other parent to have or do anything they don't do themselves. But as long as it's for the right reasons, i guess people should be as involved as they need or want to be.
BM here doesn't even let DH
BM here doesn't even let DH know about appointments, let alone coordinate schedules so he can attend, but he's OK with that. But we're talking routine stuff, nothing that would require two parents to be there. The only time there was something significant (one of the SDs went to hospital for stitches), BM called and told DH right away and he met her at the ER, mostly for moral support for SD but also because he had the insurance card. For the routine doctor and dentist checkups, BM just handles it. DH is at work during the day and can't take off, and BM is a SAHM, so that just makes sense. If the skids get sick on our watch, I'll take them to the doctor. DH doesn't come along when I take our bio to doctor's appointments, either. Again, it's a practicality issue - he's at work, I'm at home and available, and there isn't any good reason that both parents need to be there. I cannot recall a single doctor or dentist visit (or ER visit for that matter) that both of my parents attended (intact family).
If your DH has made it clear to BM that he wants to attend all of these appointments, and she refuses to work with him at all, then she's not being a good co-parent, but I don't think him not attending all the appointments is necessarily detrimental to the kids. Now, BM telling the skids that their dad doesn't care, or not relaying critical information from appointments, is unacceptable.
You have to out smart bm...
Here is an idea, tell bm to call him when the doctor arrives into the patient room and he can watch via video.
The more you make this a huge problem the more BM will make dh out to be a deabeat..."HE wont go to appointment, HE is absentee, HE HE HE wont wont wont.
Hey BM. call me when the doctor arrives to check child. You can leave me on speaker. You do want me to be involved right?
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Trust me when I say, all 'this' just doesnt matter. DH may have the Judge order bm to include dh in appointment schedule BUT when she doesnt the Judge will not do anything.
The best way to outsmart the
The best way to outsmart the BM is when the dad goes to court, he requests the judge force BM to share the child's medical account login. Almost all doctors offices are using online patient portals/charts like "MyChart" to help patients schedule appointments and do EVisits. If the DH can get the login for these accounts then he can get notifications for appointments.
(schools also have these programs so he can get grade and attendance notifications too)
I don't think ExH ever went
I don't think ExH ever went to an appointment for DS before or after we divorced. I did most of the appointments for SD as well. ExH did not get paid for time off, whereas I have ample leave time. After we divorced, I told him of the appointments for DS, he may have asked what happened &/or I let him know when a specialist was recommended. ExH never notified BM for regular appointments. He did notify BM of SD's ER visit for head injury.
If your DH has a concern he should call the Dr.'s office.
Does she have primary custody
Does she have primary custody? I'm assuming she does if she makes all the appointments. If that's the case, its unreasonable to expect her to take her ex's schedule into account for making appts. As a working parent its hard enough to take your own and the kids' schedule into account as is. Unless its something major like surgery theres no reason he needs to be involved and honestly its much simpler having one parent in charge of that whether you're married or not.
Have him request access to the medical records so he can stay up to date if necessary and let it go.
No. They have joint. He makes
No. They have joint. He makes appointments as well but is reasonable and tells her immediately snd asks if that works for her.
The BM in my life will make
The BM in my life will make appointments when it's convenient for her (usually later morning / midday) knowing that DH does not get any paid time off work and can only make late afternoon or evening appointments if he doesn't choose to take a full unpaid day or half unpaid day. She will then take inform DH when they are and if he can't go, she'll tell him he's a bad father who doesn't care about his children. She never shares info from appointments and refuse to give DH info when he asks, preferring to tell him that he needs to get it himself rather than "expecting her to do all the work!"
I am the Custodial SP married
I am the Custodial SP married to the mom who had full physical and legal custody. Our CO was long distance so we never had to play the appointment games. Except when SpermGrandHag would try to stick us with doc visits that the kid had when on SpermLand visitation. She would call my DW to insist that DW make the appointements locally in SpermLand. Nope. Never happened.
She also liked to try to stick us with the bill for doc visits that SS had when on visitation.
We made that as painful on her as we possibly could. Sadly..... for ER visits that she would list me as the responsible party on we did have to ultimately pay those bills.
That.... pissed me off.
Oh well. Ancient history these days. SS is 28,kicking ass in life and his career, and has little to nothing to do with them.