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extra curricular activities-what’s “typical”

Biostep7777's picture

HCBM wants the kids in a million extra curriculars. Right now she is asking DH to agree (and fully pay) for 2 baseball teams, 2 swim teams, music lessons, another club and 3 weeks of sleepaway summer camp for oldest SS and this is JUST for March-June. Youngest she wants travel ball, 2 extra practices a week, swim team, tennis lessons and 3 tennis camps. Again this is just for March-June 

the judge told mom to stop over scheduling the kids. Do you think this is over scheduling?? 

Winterglow's picture

In a word, YES! When are they supposed to do their homework? Or just relax? I'd say twice a week is more than enough (and that can be one activity/practice twice a week or two separate ones).

Biostep7777's picture

I have no idea. She keeps doing this then telling DH he's an awful father because "her children are extrodinary and deserve the best and she's surprised he doesn't want the best for his kids" 

Yes, she has said these EXACT words. When she signed SS who was 8 at the time for baseball, basketball and swim he was crying in pain that his arms hurt. Some days he would do an hour hitting its ruff then go right to an hour swim class exhausted!! Like does she want him to drown? He was sleeping from 8pm-1pm the next day at our house on the weekends too when according to her he should get up at 7am and have another private lesson on top of doing 6 hours of baseball the day before. No I'm not exaggerating. He was on two baseball teams. DH said he wasn't doing it anymore and SS could do one sport per season and one other extra curricular. She has a fit! so she lied and told the judge that he "refused to take them to their activities"  So the judge told him to take him but told mom to knock it off with the overscheduling then she asks DH to agree to this???? 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

That's obscene when will the kid have time for his studies or to just be a kid. 

My kid has tutoring and one sport and we are busy every evening with just that.

tog redux's picture

This is a common alienation tactic - it keeps the kids tied up so Dad can't spend quality time with them.

I'd agree that one sport per season, one musical instrument, and one camp per summer are more reasonable. Since the judge told her to stop doing that, DH can just say he agrees to X and nothing more than that will be paid for.

CastleJJ's picture

BM also believes that SS is "exceptional". Our BM does this with football since it falls during majority of DH's parenting time (Summer). Football doesn't start until July which would allow DH to exercise visitation in June but then BM says SS has "camps" all the time that would prevent visitation. Heaven forbid he miss one practice or game. We even had proof that official season doesn't start until end of July. We took her to court for that but due to the nature of our county's court system, they limited DH's visitation to accommodate for sports. Now BM has enrolled SS in sports year round to try to interfere with the other visitation times. But SS can miss sports on BM's time for stupid stuff. Its 100% an alienation tactic but BM really believes SS will be in the NFL someday. He is much too small and undermotivated to be in the NFL but BM is looking for her "after CS" plan. 

Ursula's picture

I agree with the others - one physical activity and one instrument per kid is plenty.  DH should respond that he will agree to only that and remind her that the courts stated previously she was overscheduling the kids and he will not support that.

Also, why does he have to fully pay for this?  Why doesn't BM pay part?

tog redux's picture

He stupidly agreed to pay for everything out of guilt when he left BM. And had it notarized. He's trying to get it changed, but BM is not happy, unsurprisingly!

Ursula's picture

Yikes!  Hopefully he can get it changed.  But from the sounds of this BM isn't going to let that go without a major fight.

Biostep7777's picture

Yup. This. It will definitely get changed because circumstances have changed. They were basing this on her having zero income. She's making 6 figures now still expects this because she feeks very entitled. 

Biostep7777's picture

Yeah that's what I'm thinking. More than 2 things would be over scheduling right?? She might try to say ok 2 sports but his reasoning for not wanting to do that is in the past if they had games with both teams she would let them choose which one they wanted to do leaving the other team without a player. DH was like "NO! That's not being a team player and it's selfish"

She saw absolutely nothing wrong with it. 

ndc's picture

Of course that's overscheduling. My skids do one activity at a time, and there are seasons when they have no formal activities. I'd say don't agree to pay for more than one activity (plus one instrument) and don't allow any extra activities to affect his time unless it's something he enjoys taking them to or sharing with them. Especially if you have a judge on your side!

Biostep7777's picture

That's what he has been saying for 2 years. She still signs them up and now our Attorney’s are telling him to pay for it so it shows good faith in court. I don't get it. 

ESMOD's picture

One sport at a time.. with another "arts/music" interest is plenty.  I am ok with there also being a camp during that time.. or a few weekend clinics that relate to the main sport interest.

What you describe sounds excessive and a recipe for burnout.

Biostep7777's picture

The kids are tween/teens. Do you think that matters?? Yeah, I agree! Youngest SS was very burnt out last winter. What about sports that overlap. Like one of the baseball leagues will bleed into the swim team in May. 

I agree one sports team and one extra per kid. My kids only do one thing per season period! 

thinker's picture

What was the norm before the divorce?  Before everyone starts accusing HCMB of "overscheduling" to alienate the kids (which she may well be), we need more details, like is this how they raised the kids before the divorce?  Honestly, my childhood looked similar to what you described, and it worked well for my family.  I had liked my childhood.  My siblings and I have post-graduate degrees, we were on teams in college, etc.  So I don't think it's necessarily an alienation tactic - it could just be that HCBM is a tiger mom trying to give her kids the best chance in life and this is what she thinks is best .... (Again, I'm not defending her or suggesting it is fair that your DH pays for 100% of everything, just offering another perspective). 

Rags's picture

The Judge who issued our CO was crystal clear.  CS inscludes extracurricular activities.  If BM wants them in all of these activities, BM can pay.

If extracurricular activities are not specifically called out, they are included in CS.  

Dad can pay for activities that he wants his kids to do on his time.