My DH reminds me that I don't like/love his kids all the time. You know, I can say no, I don't love them. But until I lived with them I liked them at least.

If someone that isn't your child's parent is good to your child, and makes sacrifices on a daily basis for your child, you should show some appreciation. Unfortunately, instead of being thankful for the role the stepparent has chosen, many bios simply focus on what more the person could be doing for their child. When there is no appreciation for the effort the stepparent IS making, everyone loses.

During a conversation with DH I said it was great that we made it to our one year anniversary. He looked at me and said, yeah but at what cost. Because I married you, I lost my daughter. Nice! Can't take that back.

Ugh, DH's can be such a$$holes sometimes!
I totally agree that not only are we (step parents) not appreciated, on top of that we are judged so harshly it isn't funny. Just this morning, I had a huge blowout with my DH over SS14. He justfied SS's lying to me by turning it around and making it sound it was my fault."He's so scared of you". Excuse me? Why? Did I ever hurt that boy in any shape or form? Noooo. So why would he be "scaaaared of me"? Oh because I don't take his BS and call him on it every once in a while (like 3 times a year, other times I just bite my tongue)? Seriously.
In almost EVERY single argument over skids, I get "You hate them", "You don't like them", "You don't make them feel welcome" (we have 50/effing 50 custody and he's out of town on business a lot and guess who takes care of them, but obviously not good enough). I responded that I don't feel welcome in my own home...in his life...when he treats me that way. His comeback was that he always supports me "when I'm right". It's just that, well, you see, somehow I'm never right when it's about skids...
I'm so mad I can scream...sorry guys

I had my husband say to me that I don't want his kids around and I do not show them any affection. Which is a load of shit.
He was angry because I was standing up for myself and he realized NOW ( and we had this talk ) that his children are HIS and his Ex's..i have no rights to them nor any responsibility to them HOWEVER when they are around I make them feel loved , charished and wanted because they are. Even though I am still adjusting to being s step parent, I realize now it's not the childrens fault that this situation is about and it's not mine. I took my time warming up to my step children because I dont want to seem like my actions are fake and forced. I want them to see the genuine care and affection I feel for them. Kids are smart and they know when someone does not like them. My step daughter mainly confided in me about my husbands past girlfriends that the skids knew. She said " Daddy's last girlfriend did not like me very much because she never allowed us to do the same things her kids did" When I asked her what she meant, she said when she would have the kids watch movies and munchies, my skids had to go to their rooms and "clean".
But yes, when a spouse says you dont love their kids or never wanted them it makes you feel more of an outsider then you already do.

I think they say it because they are so devastated that we don't necessarily love their kids and they have a hard time getting past it. When I was going through my roughest time with my skids and felt so trapped and resentful that I couldn't stand even the sight or sound of my skids and I was in emotional turmoil because I wasn't able to express that stuff to H and after months of repressing it and hiding in my room to avoid the skids, I finally had a blowout fight with H and told him that I hated his kids. It was the hardest thing in the world for him and it was harder because he knew how difficult and unlikable his kids were and has massive guilt for the fact that they have so many problems. He loves them to death, but he feels like he failed them for staying with BM so long, something he thought was best for them at the time, but in retrospect he realizes that he was doing them a disservice. All parents feel guilt and wish they were better parents, but the skids emotional and behavioral problems are very severe and H felt like he had failed them so it made it extra hard to hear that from me, the love of his life. Once I got my overblown feelings out and we had it out, the resentment went away and over time I came to really like and care about my skids and we have a great relationship now and I most definitely do not hate them. He was really hurt over what I said, but we worked through it and after he got over the hurt, he saw things from my perspective and I was able to be calmer and see things from his and things have been a million times better ever since. I really think that they bring this stuff up because they are so hurt that we don't like their kids and it ties into guilt that their kids aren't likable and have problems and that makes them feel bad as parents and brings up shame and guilt and other things like that. No parent in their right mind can expect a new step-parent to automatically like or love kids that they don't have any history with, but kids reflect on their parents and I think that most dads and moms feel like you insult them when you insult their kids and brings up all kinds of insecurities and guilt. I think talking it out and sometimes having a mediator helps a lot. Avoiding blaming words and sticking with expressing your own feelings rather than attacking the other person helps from getting super defensive and stonewalling.

Bio-parents usually have a major blind spot when it comes to their kids and they can't fathom people not liking their kids, even when they are aware that their kids have problems. They have that genetic bond and history that step-parents don't have and they tend to think their kids are perfect wonder kids and don't have the impartial perspective that non-bio parents have. They are very sensitive to any criticism from outsiders, especially if they are sensitive about the flaws of their kids.

I don't know what the solution to this is other than talking it out and if necessary getting couples counseling to have a mediator and a professional guide. Understanding why they say this stuff helps a lot, at least it did for me. Once I expressed myself and got over some of my frustrations I was much more able to step back and see things from H's perspective and how hurtful and shaming it was for him to hear that his beloved wife didn't like his kids and was at the point of moving out to get away from them. He was deeply hurt and once I saw that I was able to comfort him and apologize and we worked through it and are great now. I think communication is the key here.