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Ugh! I can't believe it keeps coming back to this

Skeeterina's picture

So here I am, once again venting!!! I have posted other posts about my fiance, his meddling mother and psycho ex. I have whined and complained about how as soon as I moved to a new state to be with HIM, he stopped listening to me and I felt abandoned for MONTHS!! Well, we finally figured out the problem and started working on better communication and HE started working on improving his LISTENING skills!! But........now his listening skills seem to have fallen back into the toilet because I told him today that I am so sick and TIRED of his freakin nutbag ex (the baby mama) always being around!! I have been dealing with her for almost a YEAR now and her presence irritates me anymore.......

I told him that she manipulates him USING their kid and she SHOWED it today and yet he wants to ARGUE with me because I am furious that he won't put her in her damn place!! My fiance and the b*tch BM share custody, 50/50. Well, about a month ago she decided that she was giving the kid to us and moving.....initially she acted like she was moving to another state and without even DISCUSSING it with ME, my fiance basically tells me that we're "getting custody" of his kid!! I was PISSED because I'm sorry, that is something that affects MY life and should at LEAST be discussed with me.......NOT that it would have done me any good anyway because he always TOLD me that "his son comes first" and he basically made it clear that I was NOT going to come between him and his kid and he would NOT be a "weekend dad"...........so my opinion would be useless anyway unless I gave it fully prepared to walk away from my relationship!! Then I became even MORE pissed when I find out that she only moved 40 minutes away!!!

Personally, I hate to sound like a b*tch but the ex using the kid to manipulate my fiance is ruining our relationship anyway!! And he seems quite stuck on the fact that no matter what, his kid comes first and if I don't like it, tough shit!! At this point I would be THRILLED if he became a "weekend dad" because I truly don't believe that just because you ONLY get ur kid/kids on the weekend makes someone a bad parent!!! I was a single parent and worked and have 3 kids......one graduated in 2010, one is set to graduate next year and then there's my 8 y/o. All 3 of my kids were in daycare or something and I had limited time with them at night and on the weekends.........but I made the best of the time I had!! And I don't feel guilty or regret it at all!! I'm not the best parent in the world, but I did the best I could!!

My fiance's problem is that HIS biological father left his mother before he was born and I think he harbors some terrible abandonment feelings that he does NOT want to do that to HIS kid!! And I find that just ludicrous because he is a good dad......and I could never see him being a bad dad!! All I can see him being at the moment is a horrible partner!!! Not to mention, his step dad raised him as his own and my fiance always talks about how great his "dad" (step dad) is and so on, so I can't FATHOM why he would give a DAMN that his biological father walked out when another man walked in and treated him as his own son!!!

OMG someone help me!!

Kes's picture

I don't see you ever finding this relationship with your fiance satisfactory, as long as he treats you as you describe above. Not even discussing with you what would be an enormous change in your life - his son moving in with you full time.
If my husband did such a thing to me, he KNOWS I would leave him, I have told him this. You have to figure out what YOUR bottom line is - what sort of action on his part would you tolerate, and which would make you decide enough is enough? At the moment, from your reaction to his bombshell, he knows that he can make announcements about huge changes in your life and you will go along with it. He will continue to take advantage in this way as long as you put up with it. You need to have a good think and decide what you will and won't tolerate and tell him, and then be sure to follow through with consequences, if he continues to treat you like this.

Oi Vey's picture

Where do your 3 children live? Are they with you or their father? How often do you see them?
I wonder if you have your kids all the time.

I applaud him for not wanting to be a weekend dad and for telling you his son comes first. He sounds like a good dad!
Perhaps this isn't the relationship for you if you want to come first and he's made it clear to you that isn't going to happen.

He should DEFINTELY talk with you about things that will affect you, too!

my.kids.mom's picture

I think when parents say their kids come first, it is fair, but we don't think it's going to RULE our entire lives. He can put his kid first without moving him in full time without consulting you. It's just an excuse to have his way with no discussion. And often when the "kid comes first" you will also find yourself behind the BM and her manipulations, his job, etc. I've experienced dads put the kids first when it conveniences him, and then not when it conveniences him. It's a pain.

Skeeterina's picture

Hey Oi Vey, I made it abundantly CLEAR that he IS a good dad! My kids live with me, except my oldest, he's out on his own, just as my middle child will be after she graduates in a couple of months. I push my kids to be INDEPENDENT and rely on themselves!!The issue here is not WHERE his child is living it's the fact that the child now lives with US without it even being discussed with ME!! That's a MAJOR decision and it turns me into the caretaker of a toddler when I have already DEALT with toddlers and did NOT move with him to be a babysitter!!

And with THAT being said, my point of view on relationships is that children can NOT come first over your partner. It's been DOCUMENTED that a LOT of marriages END when children enter the picture and one of the parents (usually the mother) focuses ALL their attention ON the children and loses focus on the partner.......So when I am telling you that his "son comes first", it DOES rule his life. The major problem is that he had a child with a woman that he didn't even have feelings for, so he was ABLE to focus all his attention on his son and the child could "rule his life", and that was fine, at the time.....but NOW, he has brought someone else into the equation and I will NOT be pushed into the backseat especially since ONE DAY that child will grow up and be gone and then WHO'S LEFT?? ME!!! The foundation of a STRONG functional family STARTS with the parents! And if the parents have a good working relationship, it filters down to the children.........correct me if I am wrong. (It's happened a time or two)

Should I have to WAIT 15 YEARS to get devotion and attention from him?? Do I have to sit on the back burner until he has NO ONE LEFT but me to focus his affection/attention on?? I think not!!

And Kes, I understand what you're saying. He did adamantly ARGUE swearing up and down that he DID discuss it with me.......I do believe that HE believed he did. In fact, one of my good friends was here visiting when the conversation about getting custody took place and I actually had to CALL HER so that SHE could tell him that it was NOT "discussed" as he had thought. And when he heard her, he literally looked ill. He looked like he'd been punched in the stomach. So honestly, I don't think he did it on purpose, I just think he was "caught in the moment" if that makes ANY sense. It doesn't EXCUSE what he did but makes it a little easier to be LESS pissed at him!!