How do you blend a family with different age groups and stages of life...
I am about to marry a wonderful man who is 6 years younger than me (lucky me 
He has 2 kids from previous marriage (8 and 11). I have 2 kids from previous marriage (17 & 18). I have done my time raising a family and am enjoying not being so responsible for kids anymore. He is in the middle of full on child rearing years. Only one of these kids lives with us full time (my girl 18). The others come and go and live primarily with exes. My kids don't really like his kids much. His kids don't spend much time with mine. I don't think we will ever really blend with the big age differences and the fact that both sets of kids were raised very differently and have very different attitudes.
Can this situation work? How should I approach this? My ex, happily is getting on with his life. His ex wife is alone, jelous and interferring. This is also causing me distress and affecting our happiness.
I love this man more than anything and I want this marriage to work.
Not easy or quick
We have one of those mixes (BD18, BS16, SD11 SD35, SS37) and some other similarities to your post. My BKids didn't like SD11 much when we first married, they were not use to having a little one around (she was 8 when we got married). She was/is very spoiled and had many issues. My kids really didn't spend much time with her before we were married but did spend time with adult SD. After we moved in together it got worse and we had SD all the time but then, the kids just seemed to find thier own way. I think SD had the most trouble adjusting but there was alot for her to deal with at that time. Bkids are busy with work/school/social schedules etc and so is SD now so I feel like they have done really well. I stayed completely out of their relationships, let them form themselves and kept Dh from interfearing as well, I think that helped. I never MADE BS or BD try to bond with SD, she followed them around for the most part and annoyed them (like all younger siblings do) and they got use to it. I won't say that they love each other dearly but I think they have started to bond in a way that I really didn't think they would. Good luck to you Lisa, I hope it all works out well.
~Evil
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius
Guess the answer is let it be as it is............
I will try to just let the relationship between step and bio be as it will be. Luckily there are no fights etc. It's funny, my kids may be popping out babies of their own when step kids finally grow up!
Thanks for your encouragement Evil.
I don't think in your case...
that it really would blend anyway because of the differences in age. Your kids are past the impressionable age by far, and if they don't like the younger kids, it's just going to create more friction if you force the issue. But you certainly can slowly have then engage with them, and try... but don't force it.
The younger ones may look up to the older ones eventually- if the older kids give them any attention, that is.
The thing I worry about is that you naturally have transitioned from a stage of life that your finance is just beginning, and moved on to another stage that he has no experience yet, since his children are still too young. I think this is going to create some substantial issues in your relationship down the road. You're at different stages, and if you're 'finished' with all that child rearing than you naturally won't see eye to eye. And leaving it all to him to handle, will/may create resentment in one or the other for either disengaging in 'their' life, etc. Whether that be he resentful toward you because you disengage, or because you are resentful towards him because he has his children to focus on, not you. So, while the kids may not be in your home permanently, if you're not willing to travel down the same road with him, you truly don't have a unit, but just a working partnership, if you know what I mean. That's what I fear. You're moving out of a stage, he's moving into a stage... while you both may absolutely love one another, you also have to consider that his children are part of his life, the whole package. Just as he has to accept that you're children are part of your package, so somewhere in the middle, you'll need to meet.
If you just read up and down this site, you'll find prime examples of what happens, the issues, and even some good vs bad things about it. I hope it works for you, though.
P.S.
Let me give some examples...
I was in a different stage than my DH when we met. I had no children, he had a son, and a daughter we didn't know about. I was willing to travel down that child rearing road with him with both feet in the water, and on many levels, I think this works better for couples when both parties are willing to travel it together.
Now, a 'friend' of mine (actually, it's not her, but the fellow she married that is a friend to my DH) had two boys very young, got divorced, and her ex just disappeared. She raised her boys on her own, when they each were teenagers, she met my DH's friend, they fell in love. She naturally was done with the child stage of life, but he has two young girls from his previous marriage. Naturally, she left it to him, because she was 'done' with her part, being a mother. They got married, life was grand- it was all an illusion. They had so many issues because of 'his children', who after all are children, and she was 'done' with raising her children. (Believe me, I listened to her grumble about this and that- never said much to her about it, but just listened.) She had all the great intentions in the world, made the best of it, loved the man to death, but the sad fact is that they are now getting divorced because the sad truth is they just can't see eye to eye. She wants his full attention, but he can't give her his full attention because he still is raising his girls. He's in a total different stage than her. His daughters plain and simple, need their daddy. While she knows this, she still can't get over the hurtle of the reality of it. So, they are getting divorced now.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
You make some good points Step Mom....
It is tough to be in this situation. Some days it is good with his kids being around and some days I just want to go away from it all. They are not bad kids, quiet and quite easy to manage, so to speak. If anything they are not very confident and are quite confused about the different households and different rules in each. Even though they spend most time with their mother, they seem to be lost souls and I do feel sorry for them.
Step Mom, you are right about the attention bit. If I am honest, I do sometimes feel less important because he has to do this or that for his kids (which is perfectly natural for a parent of young kids to have to do). His kids also don't get enough of his time because he is so busy with work.
My partner works in a senior financial role in a multi-national company - he travels around Asia Pacific reasonably often for work. So, I have his kids needs, I have his job and I have his time away due to work to contend with on a regular basis.
We try to make the time we have together special and I know that he stresses constantly that he does not spend enough time with me and his kids.
It takes a big person to take on all this step parenting /second wife stuff! I hope I have what it takes.
I'm in the same situation.
I'm in the same situation. My boys ages are 15 and 13. DH kids are 7, 4, and 3. The younger are not allowed in the olders rooms without permission. The older have to have "privacy". It works out well. Hang in there. I promise in the end it will be great. If you love your man like you say you do it will work. I love mine so much I would do anything, including helping him raise his three kids.