HELP.. x and his kids are are my worst nightmare.
I dont even know where to begin..
" WHAT A DISASTER".
I will try to put this out there the best I can not being so long, So I am going to try and brief it out.
I have been in a relationship with a gentlemen for atleast 10 months now. He has 5 children( ages from 14 to 8), I have one who is 14.I knew his children before we got together because they use to come over and hang out with my son.
I went out one night with some girlfriends and thats how I first met him. He approached me and I did not even realize he was my sons friends dad till he said something( And thats when it all changed).
Anyways, I never really knew because even at that time he was not living in our nighborhood because he was going through a divorce, So heck if I knew who he was.
Anyways, We got together and it was VERY rough when we first decided to go further by living together.. PURE HELL !
His kids made accusations about me that was not true, Things that could ruin a persona life, His mother who likes to play " Mrs. paragonavertue" is a problem starter and habitual liar because she wants her son home with her focussing on her and his kids. She wants him with no one, She even went as far as to tell him she thinks I am sleeping with another man." PURE B*TCH", And this was recent she said this.
Then his kids dont like me, They come over my house being very rude, mouthy, errogent and disrespectful.They come in and dont acknowledge me in my own home " PERIOD".
They cuss in front of me when their dad was not around,get arguements started between me and their father, He always would come up with some theory on maybe WHY they are acting in such a manner, And I guess I was suppose to understand that( And for some of the part I do, But alot of it was just to get me upset and cause problems).
As for my son he would be in big trouble.. right is right and wrong is wrong. He would say like:
" Their just children, you dont understand, Or there must be a reason", Never backed me.. almost second guessing me. And the kids knew exactly what they were doing.
Then there is the mother,Negative and fills her kids head with crap.She trys in everyway to make him feel guilty and uses the kids as a pawn.
One day her young daughter confided in me and told me the kids at school were making fun of her hair because it was always nappy, So I took the time to fix it for her with a little gel and detangler, She looked really cute, And she had confidence.. I seen it.. it made her feel good and she loved it.
Well last week I was imformed that She does not want me doing her daughters hair, My boyfriend called her back up because I was mad!
She admitted it was out of jelousy, But she also made the comment that its just she dont want her daughters looking like whores or dressing like whores " WHAT THE H*LL",
Ohhhh.. I am so fed up, So anyways, I told my boyfriend I thought counseling would bennifit him so he finally took up on the advice, he laid low for 3 or 4 months sorting through his thoughts and feelings and really did not corraspond with any of them, Just tring to get his head right.
Well.. recently he decides that he needs to see his kids so he goes there to spend some time with them, Comes back and tells me it was great!
I was a little resentful because I felt like the kids should come to him, Because I felt like him going there was saying it was ok with how they are acting and I did not feel supported.
I would not be so angry if they did not try to be so controlling and vindictive, They treat him like crap, They did not even call him on his birthday, BUT OH BELIEVE ME.. if they need something they remember the number, They remember it on their birthdays or holidays, And then we dont hear from them, But my boyfriend rationalizes with it by saying something to sugar coat their reasons for whatever.. So I guess that makes it right( yeah right).
He seems to think were all just going to be one happy unit...REAL LIFE IS THIS:
" NOT"'
Not as long as his x is manipulating them, not as long as their grandmother is throwing out her 2 cents on it, Where does peace fit in?
I have been nothing but kind to all of them, opened my door, treated those kids like they were my own, Never disrespected his mother even though she is judgemental and uses the Bible to laye guilt and make some point that she does not need to make,
They dont want their dad back home but they dont want him with anyone either.
Everytime he trys to bond with his kids its nothing but problems. They give me a drop dead look, Or their mother has stirred something up in their head. ITS NEVER ENDING!
I am tired of the drama, All I wanted is to make a life with this man, And I feel like if they cant except me and him together then they can just stay at their moms. The thing is he gets feeling guilty and wants to bring them around, I would not have minded as before if they had not said some of the awful things they said, Plus they bully my son, And its harder when my boyfriend is so dang defensive about his kids, I dont even feel I could go to him with a problem without having a big arguement with it.
So.. I am dreading this, And I sit here wondering where do I actually fit in?
I know its hard tring to make a new life and still having to deal with the old, But there is no positive feed back at all from his side of the family like there is mine.
Grant it.. my son was no angle, It was a fight but I backed my feelings up and my boyfriend and so did everyone else. He has now pretty much adjusted and excepted it, He thought of my boyfriend on his birthday, he respects him more then his own do.
I keep telling him.. As long as their mother has that kind of mind control its going to be never ending, And that maybe he wont get the realtionship he wants with them till they are older and can understand, But I guess he likes getting his teeth kicked in, Almost like he is out to prove something to them.. I dont know!
All I hear now is.. I have to do this or I wont be able to live with myself,
Truth is: This man pays child support not even court ordered, Half his check EVERY pay day, Took his tax money even paid off the land taxes so they would not lose their home, She dont work so there was not contribution there, And still gave her half of the income tax on top of that...
And he thinks he is bad father???
OH MY GOODNESS, Here I am .. never got a red cent from my sons father.. never calls at all, Still dont corraspond, And that B*tch thinks she has it so bad, And so do her kids.
None of them even realize how lucky they are,
I dont get it.
I am so aggervated, I told him.. I dont want anything to do with any of them, I am not going to be a doormat for them or anyone, They are his kids.. His family.. His choice, but I cant live like that... leave me totally out of it.
And I feel bad, because I dont want it to be that way.. But their mother has alot of influence and he thinks he can just change it all. Some are only 3 or 4 years away from being 18. I am standing out the outside of all this, Watching this man go in circles over all this.. wavering back and forth, His mother always putting sense in it to when she needs to keep her snooty nose out of it.. Its just on going. And I dont want that drama around me or in my life. And I am sure if he wasn't always ate up by guilt and right and wrong he could look out for himself.. BUT HE DONT!
He tells me that is his family regaurdless, And I told him family or not does not give anyone that right to treat you like trash.
So.. here I am Mad, angry, resentful, and very misrable. I dont know what to do or really even how to handle it anymore. He keeps telling me I need to stand by him, And I have till I couldn't take all their B.S anymore,They really hurt my feelings.
Now I just feel like that to have anything to do with them is just going to cause us unwanted problems, Its a shame because we get along so well, And I enjoy him so much and I love him... But my fear is that this is going to ruin us.
One because I dont want anything to do with them, Not that it would it hurt their feelings, But also because we argue about this, And I am sure to snap when they start coming around more because their additudes are going to trigger me.
And not to mention but lord forbid I show a act of kindness in bonding with any of the kids cause their mother has a fit, I cant win for losing.
I have thrown in the towel on this one, I am disgusted with it.. And I am very bitter.
Please corraspond to my topic, I appreciate it.
red flags
I think you said a few things in your post that really hit home. A relationship I too had previously involved nearly the same thing. I knew from the beginning that I was stepping into a hornets nest. His kids came first always, they were never held accountable, their behavior sucked and they were so rude to me. I actually still married this dork KNOWING hells fire was upon me. For 5 years i put up with this crap and let my children suffer as well. Red flags were everywhere. I saw them in my sleep, I saw them everywhere I went. Thank God it is over and i was able to move on and eventually meet someone who is just the opposite. His children (our children) respect me and vice versa. There is love for me and for him. There is no my kids your kids...its our kids. rules are in place for all equally.
This man you are talking about is not going to let his kids go for the love or hot sex of a woman. They are a package deal. I would def not want to see you in this relationship. If we were discussing it as friends or sisters over coffee at Starbucks I would say get the hell out of Dodge. You do not need this kind of man. You need one who will love your heart and will stand up for what is right and will not let his kids use you for a doormat.
Let him go. I know your heart wants him but chicca the problems that are there BEFORE will 99% of the time be there after and will often get uglier.
Please pray about it and think long and hard before going any further. You are in a hornets nest and need to be out of it.
Thanks for your honest
Thanks for your honest opnion, yeah.. he is torn between his kids and me.I give him credit for tring but I dont feel like he can back me if it comes right down to it ya know.
As far as saying.. I love you, your my children but this is my new life and be apart of it or not type of thing.I told him to wait for the children to come to him, Because I felt like if it went down like that then they have come to some acceptance on their on.
But my BF does not do that, He is always throwing up to me when we argue about his kids that they are his children and he loves them and will continue to be apart of their life.
I am not asking him to abandon them, I am asking him to put up the bucket of chapstick and go on with is life and let them come to him.
As for now he has broken visitation down to once a week, He told them it will stay that way until they can be polite and respectful then they can come over.His one day a visits he does not bring them to our home " Yet".
He gets mad at me because he says I look at his kids like they are monsters, and that I dont like them. Truth is they never been nice to me or respectful, they have given me nothing to look at them otherwise. He wants me to be like him, But I am not him.. and they are not my children, I have no say in the matter.. Because if I did this would not even be going on.
I am told " Give it time..give it time, they will come around",
They have caused me so much havoc I dont think I want them around, And their mother contributes to alot of the B.S
I am civil to them when I see them, They have walked in my home and acted like I did not exsist, They have drove past my home and looked at me like I was a alien, They just recently started being half way decent to my son all but one of his kids( who is a big problem starter).
See, he knows how his kids are, Because he told me if we did not work out he would move to Tenn because he could not have a relationship with any body because of his children.
reason being: They are insaulting and rude, trouble makers.
There has been peace in the valley this past week, but last week was complete h*ll.
... RUN.... RUN.... RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!....
It sounds to me like you have the support of... NO ONE. Not your boyfriend, not his kids, not his mom, or even your own son, who appears to be a “double agent” or a defector. If you had the support of even ONE person, I would tell you to stick with it, work it out, you love each other, and then give you some song-and-dance about love conquering all.
In this case, however, I’m very much under the impression that you are being emotionally abused and conspiratorially targeted by bullies.
I’ve been in a very similar situation and I know – I understand - it’s not pretty. He and his family walked all over me and my child, and eventually nearly destroyed us, emotionally AND financially. The shockwaves of that relationship, to which I now refer cautiously as “Ground Zero”, hovered over us for almost as long as the marriage lasted – 7 years. And believe me, 7 years is a long time just to recover from a relationship.
And, like you, I knew what I was getting into. I knew about his family. I knew that they hated me. I knew that, as an outsider, I would always be “The Target” of their abuse and blatant insults. I knew that I would have to stand strong because I knew that “Numb-Nuts” would never stand up for me, nor would any other member of his family. But silly me, I was “in love” and thought it was okay – even noble to endure hardship for the sake of love…..
Remember this always: “You teach people how to treat you.” The more you take, the more you accept – the more that you will be expected to take. After all, how can you expect them to act any differently? You’ve allowed it for 10 months.
We can’t even blame the kids (ok… maybe a little) because they are only following their father’s lead. They are doing what they are taught. He doesn’t treat you with respect… why do you expect THEM to?\
Ask yourself this: “How long is too long to be in an abusive relationship?
Answer? One day. One day is too long.
You are important. And you deserve better.
Know that we are here for you and look forward to hearing how things worked out.
Sending cyber-hugs,
Tootsie
"You gonna skin that smoke wagon, ‘er just stand there and bleed?"
Yeah What Tootisie Said
Listen to what Tootsie said. She is sooooo right!
Yeah, it all seems to
Yeah, it all seems to familer, Its weird cause now he is seeing how his kids really are, Got upset cause they don't want to spend no time with him.. But called to see what he bought them.
He told me" They only call when I have something for them", It was almost like " Shock of realization or something".
He has been down and out for almost 4 days over the whole kid situation. I got tired of arguing my point down and told him he is going to have to find out on his own.. It couldn't happen fast enough,
I tried to tell him, But I guess when we love people we have a hard time excepting certain behaviors.
I also told him that as long as their mother keeps adding fuel I doubt he will have a successful relationship with them til maybe they are older, And even still it could be rocky from all the emotional crap caused.
His mother is a controling b*thch, He has not talked to her( and yes its because she dont like me), he has lost everyone because of me because they are all controlling including x wife.His mother don't even like the x, Actually... She has never liked anyone.
I think MAYBE the rose colored glasses are comming off,After I backed off the whole ordeal of " DONT YOU SEE WHAT THEIR DOING" verses.. " ITS YOUR family.. not my stress, I ain't claiming it anymore".
I have to keep my own sanity, I'll help him along the best I can.. But he has got to find it out for himself, And for now.. Thats is exactly what's going on, Kicked in the teeth once agin!
Keep on Running for the Hills!
Kick him out & move on...let him grow up & deal with his problems before he comes back to you, if he doesn't grow up, you don't want him.
You are angry as much for
You are angry as much for him as you, because you feel defensive for HIM for being treated so badly. BUT - you can't do this, you must continue to step back and let him feel it and see for himself, only then will he learn there is a problem and begin to deal with it. In the meantime, don't allow his kids in your home, BUT - go and see them with him, so you are not excluded and neither are they, they cannot then think you don't want to see them but will realize it's their BEHAVIOR that's being punished (i.e. be nice and you're welcome in my home). As for the rest of the cr*p from others, don't get drawn in - if you don't, they won't know if they managed to bother you or not.