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WHAT DO I DO?? HELP PLEASE!!

Frusteratedsoon2bstepdad's picture

Last week my step kids came home from court,  they had to see thier dad in court . And they made a neccessary choice to speak the truth against him.  I'm so proud of them , and I wanted to come home an hug them all but when i walked into our home , i smelled strong odor of marijuana.  Their  mother and Love of my life, was sunken into a depression laying in bed , while the kids music was blasting along with the strong smell of weed  coming from  the 18 year old daughters room .I yelled and said " I can smell it in their ... !!". I cannot be anywhere near that or have any smell of it on me, because I am going through a special clearance. I could loose my job if the investigator showed up at the house and it reaked of weed. 

I was accused of being a bully,  and not having any empathy for their plight.   Which was wrong because I did.... I didnt expect to come home to a house smelling like that.  I was given the silent treatment and made to feel outcasted.  Maybe I deserved that, and maybe I dont.   Now maybe I should've just told their mom,  but maybe she already knew.  I dont know.   But I did know that they would indulge at parties, because I would smell them when they walked in , and they smelled bad... I told them I cant tell you to stop smoking because you all wont listen, and it would break your mothers heart.. Just keep it away from our home...the daughter does not listen and neither does the son.  I bring it up to my Wife during the final confrontation and she just accuses me of being mean to them,  she dosent believe me at all.  Her son lied to her, told her he dosent do it... and he raises his voice louder when confronted. I'm seriously looking at this young man lie when he knows I know.   Now my wife wants to leave me, 8 years wasted ,  I wanted to be with her forever, and it's over a lie that her kids told her.  The kids do not help her , she cleans after them , rooms are pig pens, restroom is a mess, they leave stuff out of the fridge and it goes bad, they smoke weed, and are all lazy,  all I want is help from them , clean,  help mom, please help mom,  but video games and phones are priorities before mom.  I really hurt, and I love my wife , and she wants to be happy. How do I help how do I avoid divorce??

Comments

SteppedOut's picture

How do you avoid it? Continue to be walked on and disrespected. Allow them to continue to smoke pot in your house, even if it means giving up your job. 

But... why would you want that? Seriously. 

Frusteratedsoon2bstepdad's picture

I dont want that , but it looks like I'm going to have to face it .  I really needed that post you wrote. I cant just talk to anyone I'm looking for neutral grounded opinion . Thank you 

Monkeysee's picture

Your wife wants to leave you because you confronted your skids about smoking pot in your house? Knowing full well you could lose your job if it’s detected in your system?

Im sorry you’re going through this, from the sounds of your post though there are some issues between the two of you. There’s something wrong if she’s willing to walk away after that incident & I’m guessing there’s more to the story than this. She doesn’t sound like she’s in your corner, or treats you with respect. 

Frusteratedsoon2bstepdad's picture

Yes there is other issues,  and they revolve around the times that she let's the kids run her over, make her clean,  and dont contribute to the home.  Literally they act like everyone is supposed to clean up after them.  The times they do clean is when my wife blows her top, or they want money.  I can see the good these kids can do, one has great opportunities ahead , but marijuana can kill all his dreams, and guess who is hurt ??? The mom,  and she went through hell to raise them.. and it would all be for what?  For nothing  I say.... I dont want these kids to fail ...  and I dont want my wife to feel like a failure . 

Frusteratedsoon2bstepdad's picture

I may have been too harsh on them kids at times, ..but never discipline them not my Yob.. but when I do ask i could ask nice maybe that'll work . 

tog redux's picture

What's the "necessary truth" they had to speak about their dad?

Sorry, as someone whose DH was alienated from his son, that sentence rankles me. My SS spoke the "necessary truth" (Ie, BM's implanted lies) too. 

Not your question, just had to say it. 

 

Merry's picture

You mention that your wife was sunken in depression. Maybe her mental health is the place to start. If she is so depressed that she can’t function, the she has no strength to parent her kids. Especially wayward kids who know how to take advantage of that. 

If she is not being treated, make an appointment with a doc and go with her. She needs to be able to muster strength — and right now she can’t face it. At least that’s what I’m getting from her behavior. 

Frusteratedsoon2bstepdad's picture

I worry so much about her,  she has Fibromyalgia and possibly Lupus pending tests.  I feel that I say things over and over again to them first time nice , second time nice, but when they ignore me, look at their mom as if to see if she validates my request to them... she tells them and they do it but at their timing , when they feel they should.   That aggravates me... I'm not trying to be a bully it's the position I'm put in,  if I just say f--k it and let her handle all that,  and clean up after them , clean the laundry room which gets piled up , was stacked up dishes that are crusted for a week from being in their room.   Sometimes I have to help because watching her in pain hurts me.  They get new expensive shoes clothes,  sports gear , money,  and they cant even acknowledge that mom dosent need a thank you she needs help. 

Am I a bully because I see the love of my life suffering at the actions of her kids?   I guess she is blind,  she mentioned that while married she was blind to alot of her husband's faults because they had kids together..  maybe shes blind because these adopted kids need pampering? 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

if you wife suffer from pain, could it be your skid is sharing the marijuana with her? Perhaps that is why your DW got so defensive. 

Why didn’t you just call the police and have the matter handled? 

thinkthrice's picture

RUNNN!!

It won't be long before the skids are testifying...against YOU!   "Spoke the truth about their dad"    So it's possible they have TWO crappy biological parents then...  Or is it the "truth" according to MOM.

Frusteratedsoon2bstepdad's picture

I would hope not , but seeing what kind of lies come out when they are cornered was scary,  but he knows that if he gets tested today , he will fail.    I dont want that , I want him to succeed and be helpful to his mom.  Shes not well.... she does have Fibromyalgia  and possibly lupus.  Can you see why I'm so worried about her health, the kids make me  angry at the actions .  I dont hate them ... but you have a good point... and no the real truth was what they said in court..  they were honest.  And I am proud of them for that. 

Want2's picture

What’s going to happen down the road when they have their own children and finally figure out how much work and sacrifice it requires? Obviously they’re not being prepped for that. Your wife will never be off the hook. I echo the poster above, run!!

whoaminow's picture

it's easier for your wife to divorce you than to parent her kids. She is mad because you are making her parent and she don't want to or maybe she just can't. I don't know your story but i'm guessing that since kids had to go to court with dad then it has not been anything less than a very stressful divorce between them. My guess is she knows the truth about her son, she knows he is lying, she knows you are right about what they need to be doing but she just don't have the strength or heart to get on them about it. You are forcing her hand. You are right to do that, you are right to expect what you do. No way in hell would I put up with pot smoking or any other kind of smoking in my home. But what are you going to do..? I don't know. I agree with the other poster that says your wife needs some counceling. She is not doing her kids any favors by letting them do what they want and not forcing them to help her but if she is not willing to do anything about it, you want be able to either. 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

I met someone who works for the federal government for the department of dense.  WE are outside talking at the hotel and the smell of weed was in the air and he had to motion me away from them.  He told me very clearly that the drug testing for his position is very strict and he can't breathe it in even second hand and that he worked too long and too hard in his career to jeopardize it.  I'm assuming you are in the same position.  Your stepkids and wife are selfish a&&holes.  I wouldn't put up with such treatment and I would call my wife's bluff if I were you.  How dare they treat you that way! 

Frusteratedsoon2bstepdad's picture

The day after I had confronted my SKids about smoking pot in the house, things went silent , I was the a$$hole according to everyone in the house, because I didnt show empathy, for the aftermath of the court hearing which was wrong because I wanted to tell them they did good,  and I was proud of them  ,however; when I walked in the house it smelled of pot, naturally as an employee with a pending approval for high clearance ,  I freaked out , I raised my voice , then told my wife,  she said cant smell anything . Flabbergasted I was trying to explain the importance of my Job...   no one heard me or cared.   Now everyone left the house over the weekend i wasnt invited to go, with and so i hung out at the house, decided to visit my twins in reno,  and when I got back Saturday it was very stale,  sunday i was left alone,  again no invite,  I came home early from nevada trip , I went to visit my BioTwins 12 and I arranged to cut the visit short so me and my wife could prep for stepsons graduation party.  I wasted my weekend , by cutting my trip short with my twins, I even drove after dropping the kids off at 12 mid,  exhausted over the mountain pass... before parking to sleep in cold tahoe...  just to be sure me and my wife could start  cleaning the yard and house,   sunday I decided to drink , a little buzzed not my best choice, so when we argued about my behaviors,  she called me a selfish asshole,  and I looked at the kids and they had smirks on their faces , so it was then that I decided to tell the mom that I know for a fact that the other son smokes too....she didnt believe me, but when the son heard that his usual behavior when he lied is to elevate his voice , he was very upset at me , because he didnt think I would tell,  i knew he used, and I knew when he was high , but i probably shouldve told his mom sooner,  but I know she would never believe me and I would've been in this situation much sooner.   The daughter is 18 , she began screaming at me as well...  no truth came out just deflecting my facts ..  and me being called an asshole  for not showing empathy ..  I dont want to loose my wife,  wish it didnt go down that way...

 But if they listened to me and kept the pot away from the house we would never be in this situation ...  

beebeel's picture

Leave this selfish, hot mess of a woman and her equally vile offspring. Stop short-changing yourself and your kids for these assholes. 

Frusteratedsoon2bstepdad's picture

You know I just cant call them names, it's their behavior that caused this ... and mine as well. 

I'm under great pressure when it comes to this marijuana issue. I shouldve done better job of conveying my point across. 

DPW's picture

Dude, stop blaming yourself. I appreciate that you're trying to own up to your part in this but you are going to far. Listen: I'm Canadian and it's legal here and I partake, but with that said, the disrespect they showed you by smoking up in the house, knowing the possible ramifications to your career which probably funds their lifestyle, and then their continued misbehaviour when confronted is appalling. Find your balls and stand firm. 

Frusteratedsoon2bstepdad's picture

You know I just cant call them names, it's their behavior that caused this ... and mine as well. 

I'm under great pressure when it comes to this marijuana issue. I shouldve done better job of conveying my point across. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

because of the parenting style that they experience. Sometimes kids have flaws in spite of the parenting style they experience. Sometimes kids have flaws because they are human and less  than perfect. None of those reasons are excuses just explanations of sorts.

It sounds as though a lot of going on for all of you to have to deal . It is unfortunate that the kids had to go into court to testify against their  father.. Even if necessary and justified, it can't have been easy and may have long term impact on them.  Your wife is  ill that too is troubling for all.

Your wife's illness likely  impacts his ability to bring her A game to her parenting role. Your step kids will likely be conflicted in some way by the court experience .

This may be a good time to try family counseling.  If family counseling not an option, then maybe couple:s counseling.

You guys have a lot to unpack.

Good luck as you move forward.

 

 

 

 

marblefawn's picture

Hold the line here. They all behaved badly, for sure, but I'm not sure this was your best moment either. Look at how poorly executed each of your moves was and how they contributed to this situation:

Maybe you look like an asshole because you outted your skid in a fit of anger, which made your legitimate concern about the pot suddenly look like a petty, vindictive move, which stoked the skids' resentment of you. You're a vindictive fink to them. And to your wife, how can she take you seriously when you only brought it up in a fit of anger on a day when she already felt like crap?

You said a few times in your post that you blew up (and have blown up in the past) and you might have gone overboard -- if you're asking the question, you probably did go overboard. It's great that you have that hindsight, but to the skids and wife, you still went overboard and more than once. They're tired of your shit, just like you're tired of their shit.

You also said you were buzzed and fought with your wife in front of the skids, who were smirking at you. Don't drink and fight. Don't ever, EVER fight in front of the skids. I mean, come on, you know better than this -- this is elementary stuff and you setup yourself for the kids' ire by doing all this in front of them.

You said the kids had just testified against their own father in court and when you arrived home, your wife was in a depressed heap on the bed while the kids ran amok. You apparently took this opportunity to add to the confusion and stress and grief by flipping out about pot, something you apparently already knew at least one of the skids was using, but NOW you choose to pick a fight about it. If they're smoking pot right after a traumatic event, break up the party, minimize the stress and deal with it later. Don't pick an already awful, stressful day to open a new wound.

I don't think you're sounding like an angel here. You have legitmate concerns about your household, but I don't think you could have addressed them in a worse way than you did -- although to your credit, you don't mention kicking the family dog.

You want to save your marriage? Go to counseling. And take as many of them with you as will go.

In one short post, you identified so many stressors: chronic, debilitating illness; job changes (your potential clearance); step hell; extremely different parenting styles; alcohol use and unwise alcohol use on your part; drug use in the household; legal issues -- pot is still illegal in a lot of places and your job depends on you being clean, so you have some legal exposure if anyone in the house is caught and that makes this a legal issue.

You need help. You all need help. And I think there's potential for you, because you want peace and you love your wife, but there's so much here, you need to put time into straightening it out.

Frusteratedsoon2bstepdad's picture

I really appreciate the feedback, and you are absolutely correct.   I didnt just sit there and drink then decide to start an argument,  I was screamed at and I reacted .  I wasn't all sloppy just emotionally able to defend my self with angry words.   I can understand that she as mom wants to defend her kids, I would defend mine from her as well if that was the case,  if she had a federal background clearance in process, and at anytime an investigator could show up to ask questions ( as they are known to do)  and if the house smelled of marijuana that puts me in a very dangerous position of having clearance revoked , and without clearance I cannot keep my job.  I've explained that I known the SKids used it , and I'm always looking like the fink because I'm always asking them to contribute, to help out around the house, and everytime I ask them its ignored, for the most part.   I'm not trying to be an angel, i know what part i contributed to make this an explosive situation.   I know I could've done better ,  like I said I've been under real stress, ive received texts from someone for the past few months, saying that  she dont love me, she loves someone else,  and just yesterday I got a long threat of how they are going to beat me up.   I never confronted her about it. Because i accused her before and she made it clear that she dont cheat, and I never bothered her because I hate upsetting her,  and it disturbs the peace of our relationship,  but the constant texting at all hours ... secrecy,  she keeps her phone on her always ..   but the issue with the kids is all I asked them to do in the past ... was keep it away from the house,  I said that they shouldn't smoke pot, because it ruined alot of my opportunities,  and I said I can't stop you ... because you will find a way..... but keep it away from the house.   That was spoken to all of them ...

 

I was so mad ,.... I said that I was going to call his school coach and let him know.  He freaked out... the older daughter dosent care about where life will lead her,  and I feel that she is going to ruin her brothers opportunities.   I care, but I didnt want to be the snitch ...  i refuse to allow him to ruin his life , I've been through too much with him to let marijuana ruin his life.