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Please Help, I am ready to loose it!

frustratedstl's picture

This is going to be a bit long winded, this is my first time here and today is my last straw, this situation is ruining my marriage!  I have 2 step sons who are 29 and 27.  I have been with them since they were 4 and 6.  Most of our 20 year marriage has revolved around them and their Mother.  They lived in a different state but came and stayed with us all summer and Holidays when growing up.  We have 2 daughters toghether 18 and 15.  I have raised my daughters to that they were their brothers not half etc.  First mistake.  My SS were not raised the same by their mother to say that she has been ugly is an understatement. I have always sent presents to them for every Holdiay, Valentines, Easter, Halloween, taken them school clothes and supply shopping.  All still while paying child support  Never have I received a thank you.  As they got older they distanced themselves from us as teenagers do.  Then the oldest started coming around needing money, mind you we are still paying child support to his Mother. That seemed to be the only time that he would contact us.  Definitley a sticky issue between my Husband and I.  Then we get  a call from him at age 20 unwed stating that he and his girlfriend are pregnant.I was shocked at my Husbands reaction tears of joy and I am so happy for you.  This is my main issue with our situation.  If that had been one of our Daughters I guarentee you that would not have been his reaction.  He lets this kid get away with everything without parenting him.  Giving him the excuse that he didn't raise him full time., so what he gets to treat people like crap and to whatever he wants?! They did get married a year later,  my husband, my daughers and myself were not included in any part of the wedding or the showers, or the previous baby shower.  We traveled 1200 miles and gave money not to menion several meals for everyone, no thank you.  My Husband and I agreed before we went that if he did not start being a part of his sisters and our life after this then we are done.  Shocker he didn't and guess what not done.  Step Sons marriage is a mess then baby 2 comes.  I told husband I am not sending anymore gifts, they are not appreciated or even acknowledge, he proceedes to make me feel bad stating its not the kids fault.  I get that but come how much do you expect to me tolerate!  Said step son moves closer to us invites sisters to lunch, dosen;t offer to pay instead gives them the look like didn't Dad send money for all of us?  Was upset when he had to pay for his family.  My husband did tell him that you don't invite your sisters out to lunch and expect them to pay it just dosent work like that. I thought that things were going in the right direction, he invited us out to dinner for all of our Birthday's and picked up the check.  First gift ever I have received from him.  Then Christmas comes, shows up empty handed, then my youngest daughters Birthday nothing.  Now my oldest daughter is gradutating and has been accepted to college, not once has he congratulated her etc.  Yet finds the time to call her 3 times in 1 day to see if we can come to a Birthday party for his son which is on a day that we already have another olbigation, now my Husband says that he is going alone.  I found all of this out from my Daughter not my husband. I just can't handle the one sidedness of this whole situation anymore.  It is not about the gifts, it is about acknowleging your sisters and I have to sit and watch them be hurt by his actions, while my Husband says nothing.  It makes me so mad. It is so double sided!   We had the conversation today AGAIN!  He said what am I supposed to do, you don't understand they are not your Grandkids WHAT SERIOUSLY YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT, we have never talked like that.  So I said again we just let him treat people how ever he wants.  I turned it around and said that if our daughter had a family and showed up at Christmas and collected gifts from everyone there, came empty handed didn't get your son and his kids anything  and didn't thank anyone, you can guarantee her and I would be having a conversation before she left my home about how that is unaccetable.  I advised him that it is time for a man to man talk to find out what his problem is, stop skating around the issue.  He didn't like that,  he just wants me to stop complaining about it and let it be the way it is, I said what about your Daughters and how they feel dosen't that matter?  I just need some advice from other SM that may have been through this before, I am to the point that I cringe when he calls. my husand or my daughters.  I think that he has to be the most selfish immature person that I know.  I aslo feel horrible for the way that I feel:{  It can't keep going like this, I can't live like this the rest of my life!  We have one set of rules for our family on how we treat each other ETC but he gets a free pass and we are all supposed to just deal with it?  I call BS!  HELP PLEASE!!

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture




frustratedstl's picture

Thank you for your reply.  How do I disengage, when it is constantly going on with my Daughters and my Husband?  He does not contact me.


shellpell's picture

What nasty, selfish people! I would disengage completely - no more gifts, no more dinners, NOTHING. I would have a serious chat with your daughters about doing the same and about how their half-siblings' behavior has nothing to do with them. Then tell your husband if he wants to have a one-sided relationship with his kids, that's on him, but he is not to endanger your retirement to give them money or super expensive gifts. The gall of some people! The problem is that this has precendent has been set - you have been too nice. If it were me, after not receiving thanks or appreciation a couple of times, I would stop. 

frustratedstl's picture

Thank you for your advice.  I agreee with your statement I tend to do this with everyone though I take full blame on my part:{  I made excused for them when they were little and not with us an thught that when they were and we taught them manners that were not being taught by their Mother, that would eventually shine through, it has for the youngest not so much for the oldest unfortunately.

notasm3's picture

Tell your DH to keep him away from you.  And if he is around and does something awful call him out on it.  No need to censor yourself just because your husband has no balls.

tog redux's picture

No gifts, nothing. Let DH send gifts if he wants to. Tell your daughters to go talk to their father about their brothers if they have concerns, since you aren't their mother, you can't really address it with them.

(And add some paragraphs to your blog, it would be easier to read).

frustratedstl's picture

Thank you for your advice. Can you please let me know how to edit it?  Thank you!

tog redux's picture

When you look at your own blog, there are two tabs at the top that say "view" and "edit".  If you go to the edit one, you can change and save. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

Your husband and even your  daughters are old enough to decide what kind if any relationship they want to have with son and sibling.

You no longer need to facilitate a relationship among or between this group .

Let them figure it out for themselves.


frustratedstl's picture

 Thank you very much for your advice. I have tried to do that before and my husband always makes me feel like I’m the bad guy in this situation invite them to our home where I have to cook or buy presents how do you disengage win this is the case. If I say I don’t want to do that it’s a huge fight 

ItsGrowingOld's picture

It sounds like your husband is trying to manipulate you.  If I were you, I would check out counseling to help you figure out why you allow your DH to treat you this way.   And please, don't make excuses for him.  That happens a lot on this sight.  

Good luck to you and keep us posted*acute*


sandye21's picture

This is what made the difference in my marriage.  I went to a GOOD counselor (with experience in second marriages) by myself and discovered I had more power than I thought I did.  It gave me the courage to stand my ground and insist on an equal marriage and mutual respect.

I agee so much with Growing - we keep making excuses for our thoughtless and emotionally abusive DHs.  It seems like the easiest road at thee time, but in reality it isn't.  It turns into a form of slavery.  And the more you put up with it the worse it gets.

About 6 months ago my DH failed to give me support when I needed and deserved it.  This was the message I gave to him for that entire time:  "As your wife I deserve it - and you must actually DO something this time or our marriage will suffer."  He finally confronted the man who had verbally abused me - something that would have been unnecessary if he had just stood by my side at the time.  The same goes for SD.  She is not welcome until DH informs her she is to respect me as his wife.  My self-worth and priority as his wife is not negotiable.

still learning's picture

Frustrated, you do not have to cook or buy presents. Hang up the hostess extraordinaire apron and let DH order out for HIS guests.  Support him in selecting gifts for HIS children and grandchildren. It's HIS responsibility not yours.  You can disengage quietly and sweetly.  I've done this and haven't breathed a word to DH about what I was doing.  Skids and their family are coming over, "Oh great, what are YOU cooking or ordering out DH?" Holidays coming around, "What are YOU thinking about getting them."  DH has been handed back his relationship with HIS kids.  I have nothing to do with any of it unless I choose to participate.  Sometimes I'll visit for a bit and then go shopping or to the gym.  No more am I cooking, cleaning and visiting for hours on end with people who wish I wasn't married to their father.  

Curious Georgetta's picture

involvement in a non confrontational manner.Your solution gives you control while allowing your husband to maintain his relationship with his children.

Your solution was mature and thoughtful. A win win for everyone. You see them if and when you want  and you do not feel that they are managing your time and resources.

Kudos to you.

still learning's picture

I have the wonderful veteran step mom's of this board and the disengagement forum to thank! I took baby steps at first and now it's second nature to hand skid related responsiblities over to DH.  

sandye21's picture

I was a basket case when I joined Steptlk.  Most of us have been guided into disengagemrnt and have been satisfird with it.  Like Stillearning, I gave DH back all the respondibilities of being a parent.  We are still working on the marriage.