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Are there any men that actually follow through with anything regarding their kids?

jennlyntucker88's picture

Last weekend I heard the dreaded words " dont talk to me, your not my mom" from my boyfriends youngest child. After 3 years or being in their lives on and off, vacationing with them, taking them places, buying them things, playing with them, loving them... the time finally came.  I was not even involved in the argument (which stemmed form being asked to run an errand and not have 30 minutes of his all day excessive game play) )- I simply asked " its only 30 minutes you will be right back" and got the dreaded statement. My boyfriend was not in the house at the moment.  When I left, and texted him what happened.. he just said I am sorry and I will talk to him. Later, when I asked how he handled it he said "I told him that was hurtful, but that I would talk to you about staying out of our arguements".. I WAS FLOORED!

Rather than say " the next time you speak to her like that, you will never see the game again" Or " After all she has done for you, that is what you say to her". unacceptable..

He turned it around back on me.

I told him exactly how I felt and he said that he stands by what he said.. that he was not in the room ( although even if he was, he would have just snapped quickly and let it go)

The kids are smart, great in school and polite in public.  However, they have NO discipline at home.  If I hear him say one more time " I am not your slave" to which they jump up, argue then do what he asked - I will puke.

We have talked over the years about chore charts, making family agrements, punishements.. but he refuses. He says that eeryone is stuggling with said kid and that he is working with him.  I am there enough to know this is not true.

We are supposed to talk in the next few days about what happened but I know what he will say.

Short of me never being there when they are around ( totally possible) but then how does a relationship move foward.. I am at a loss..

Is this just how it will be forever?  Do I just stay away when they are around and only go to things when its an outing?



moving_on_again's picture

My husband did but this just resulted in the skids going to live with BM because they "hated our house," in other words, the only house with rules. Husband was done chasing them. They were all teens by then. They wouldn't speak to us for years but now everything is good. Usually they only come over when they want something but I'd say that's pretty typical for most teens/young adults. 

I love dogs's picture

My husband uses the "I wasn't there" to witness SD's poor behavior line then has a "talk" with her. Stop being alone with his kids. They are there for time with him, refuse to be a free babysitter anymore!

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Honestly I’ve made it clear from the start what respect I expect and what will happen if I don’t get it. If SO does not support me then they are his kids. If he supports me then in our home they are ours. I will support, love, and care for them until he fails to be the parent I would demand for a biological child of my own. I understand there will be struggles in our future but already SO has shown he will not allow them to disrespect me. Thankfully we haven’t faced the issue you are and in our case it was a minor thing that was just a careless statement but SO made it clear that it wasn’t acceptable.

I would let him know that if he fails to support you then you will not support his child. He becomes responsible for whatever you don’t feel you have to do. This could mean you still do basic things like cooking a meal for everyone in the home and taking him to school if it’s on your way to work but there are no more special trips to the store for something he needs, no more brining forgotten books to school, no more special meals. If he’s old enough he becomes responsible for all his basic care including laundry and dishes. Basically he becomes a roommate to you. You can even go as far as dividing finances if need be where dad pays for 2/3rds of things if it’s just the 3 of you.

You have to decide what you demand and where to put down your foot.

jennlyntucker88's picture

Thanks to all of you for reminding me that this in an option! I so much wanted to be an intergral part of my SKids life but not if they are going to speak to me that way. No more!  I joined a gym as a way to keep myself from hanging around there all day while nothing is being done, I wont hang out anymore - if I am asked by my BF I will go events with them.. but no more anything else. If they want to do something with me, I will find an excuse.. because they dont want to do anything with me when I ask.  since we no longer live together, I will just go home.  I have tried and tried to figure out something, anything to help my BF but he is not interested.  If HE wants to be treated like they treat him.. that is on him!  I wont have to hear them yelling to their friends all day on their games anymore, and rudely interupt when they want something. I wont have to watch them sit inside the house all day because they are addicted to said game.  If I choose to attend a football game, I will then choose to go home afterwards.  There is plenty of time in the month to be with my BF and not with the kids.  I wonder if he will notice. I wonder if he will ask why. I wont mention it, I will just begin to do it.. I shall report back and let you know how I am doing! I feel relief already    

Binky103's picture

My husband has always been terrible about having his daughter follow any kind of rules. He was always so afraid that she would hate our house or think he was "mean" if he made her do something she didn't want to do. It's one of the most unattractive things to witness.....a man who cowers to a child.

TX2step's picture

To say that to you, at that point don't involve dear ole dad. Speak your mind to said stepchild, like thank gawd I'm not your dog mother. Then remove the power cord from precious Xbox. Shut down power to skids bedroom. Remove bedroom door and all things you purchased. And when the man of the house has time to parent his kid you can tell him that he should teach his kid respect. Don't tolerate this carp for one minute. Yeah hes going to be suprised. 

twoviewpoints's picture

Oh, my. Don't you think the OP should at least live in the home before she goes shutting down all the power and removing bedroom doors?

I doubt these kids have had an easy time of Daddy. Life with an alcoholic can be pretty miserable. Sure, he's sober for the last few years, but I am sure the pattern was se long before the bottle finally got put away. Great parenting style he has now, what with screaming and yelling. 

No, the kid should not have said "Don't talk to me" , but hey the "You're not my mother" line was accurate. Being after two break-ups already between OP and her BF, she can't expect the kid to think of her as a serious permanent role in the kid's life. 

Sounds to me as if Daddy's parenting skills ae pretty dysfunction. And each time OP sticks in her 2 cents the kid resents her more than he already does. I doubt disengaging is going to solve the OP's troubles either. Sure, she can stay away and run home to her own home, but unless she's willing to have an every other week relationship (until the kid age out) marry and then live her life with a dysfunction family of acting out adult skids and a screaming yelling husband, she still won't be happy.

My suggestion is to get these kids into Al anon for support, get Daddy into counseling for 'I've f-ed up my kids, now what do I do' and counseling as a couple to see if the two of you can slowly find the same page together. 

In the meantime, stop doing for these kids. Stop buying for and providing nice treats (outing and whatnots). They currently do not respect you. They resent your involvement in the middle of their issues with their father nd they don't appreciate any of it anyway. 

Bottom line here is you must remember you can not care more than their parent does and you can't change people who don't want to change. 

Your BF can't 'fix' what all is wrong in his household. He simply doesn't know how. Blaming the skids for all that ails this household is too easy. Look deeper. See the bigger picture. Decide if there is hope or if you're wasting your time and need to rethink if this is the correct relationship to be putting all this energy. 

Welcome to steptalk, OP. Read around. 

Harry's picture

IF SK can not respect you and what you do for them.  Then don’t bother.  No more Vacations, no more spending time and money on them. No more taking them anyplace.  BF want to be in charge,and make up the rules ,,  then he does everything for SK.  You go on Vacations from now on without SK, go out to eat without SK. Ect 

Areyou's picture

When I first met skids I was the one who told them I am not their mom and I don’t ever want to be their mother. 

I don’t concern myself with disciplining them or making sure they are on the right track. That’s their parent’s job.

id say disengage and tell skid you’re not his mom.