He Hangs With EX In-laws too Damn much
My fiance has this habit that whenever he drops his daughters at his ex inlaws house - he goes inside for like 15 - 30 minutes and chats it up EVERY Damn time. He thinks I don't know but I DO and a part of me is tired of talking about it. I feel like the enemy - he makes it seem like I am over reacting.
It may sound silly right? - he is just saying "hi" but if his ex -wife had a husband - would he be up in there like that regularly? So why do it if you couldn't justify it in that situation. What sucks even more is that - when he knocked up his now ex -wife and married her because of said baby.... these inlaws didn't respect him for trying to do the right thing.
He keeps telling me it's good form for him to be nice - so the kids see good co -parenting but in the end - he doesnt need to be up there that long EVERY DAMN TIME. Am I being irrational? He is no longer part of the family - so why this need to be buddy buddy.
Frankly - I am ready to call it quits with a man who has an ex wife and kids. But i am hoping that maybe someone has a perspective that I haven't seen yet but frankly - I think him going over there is a bowl of crock and if the tables were turned the other way - he would probably be annoyed too. So I dont get why he doesnt get it.
Anyone?
There is honestly no need to
There is honestly no need to be that friendly all the time. If it was purely innocent, and you're his fiancé, then sometimes you would be a part of those conversations too if he had any interest in making you comfortable. The fact that you're never present or included in those conversations is an issue. You're totally right for feeling the way you feel.
Run, honey
This is not going to get any better.
How often does he drop her
How often does he drop her off there? Honestly, I don't think this would bother me, unless it was somehow part of a manipulation effort on their part or BM's.
This is a red flag. Maybe
This is a red flag. Maybe some part of him trying to hold on to the Ex? Why does he care about "catching up"? Is he trying to keep tabs on the ex? Honestly, he should be indifferent towards whatever is going on in their lives. It has no relevance to him anymore. Unless he still cares.
There is a difference between being cordial (a wave from the car, etc) and carrying on a relationship with the former family members. IMHO, it seems like he is trying to justify his behavior and use "being polite" as an excuse. I would be livid if my DH did that.
Is your fiance a talker? My
Is your fiance a talker? My DH is a talker and can end up chatting with people for what I feel like are excessive amounts of time, but in reality really are not.
I think if you are feeling like this is something that can't be negotiated over then it might be best for you to end the relationship.
I was thinking the same thing
I was thinking the same thing. If my BF and his ex MIL got along he could spend forever talking even if it's just updating the family on basic medical stuff for the kids or talking about what happened over the weekend. Pick up/drop off scheduling.
It seems too emeshed for me.
It seems too emeshed for me. I would have issue with it. What concerns me more is his dismissal of how you feel about it. Big red flag there. Why is talking to the ExIL more important then keeping you happy?
Does that mean she gets to
Does that mean she gets to demand anything she wants and he has to keep her happy? Could he listen to her feelings about it but disagree?
I think the problem here is
I think the problem here is that he is not taking his wife into considersation and seems more concerned about his ex-in laws feelings than his current wife. This shows a lack of priorities for sure IMO.
I don't know, it seems to be
I don't know, it seems to be me that he doesn't agree with her that he shouldn't be talking to them - rather than not caring about her feelings. Again, if she's upset that he talks to someone, does that mean he has to stop immediately? That seems controlling to me.
Are his ex-ILs providing
Are his ex-ILs providing childcare for his daughters? Or are they just the place where he drops them off? Either way, it's kind of hard to dump your kids and run... When my daughters went to the creche here, I was expected to spend at least a few minutes giving any relevant information about them and their night and often hearing stories about their previous day there (if I wasn't the one who picked them up). Quite often I was there for a good 15 minutes, simply because that's how long it took.
Update and Context
The oldest child is 16 and the youngest is 12. There is nothing he needs to share with the in laws concerning their health etc.. And Yes he is a talker but can he respect me to drop them off and wave... walk away. What is this buddy buddy situation about? I get trying to get his kids to see that he can be cordial but there is no need for them to spend all this time talking. I see many of your points but for me - Its a problem.... If he can't bring me inside when he drops them off but has me waiting in the car - than we have a problem.
I agree! If there is nothing
I agree! If there is nothing to hide, then why are you being asked to stay in the car? When the kids are that old, they are able to communicate for themselves. They don't need daddy to speak up for them.
Oh OK, yes I would have a
Oh OK, yes I would have a problem with it if I was in the car during the dropoff. One, I wouldn't want to go in and interact with his ex-in-laws and Two, it is rude to keep you waiting in the car while he is chatting. He should just say, sorry I can't talk as my fiance is waiting and we need to go.
If you are in the car, I'd
If I was in the car, I'd have an issue - not because of his relationship with them, but because I'd be annoyed if he left me sitting there to talk to ANYONE.
I don't agree that it's inappropriate for him to speak to his ex-in-laws though. But if it bothers you, maybe this isn't the relationship for you.
Have you addressed it to him
Have you addressed it to him in that context? "Hey fiance while I understand you are trying to show your kids polite relations between you and the exIL's its very rude that you leave me waiting in the car for a half hour or more to talk with them. From now on could you either cut the conversations short of not have me attend the drop offs?" If he struggles with understanding where you are coming from maybe go someplace, ask him to wait in the car for you while you just run in for a quick second and then keep him waiting for a half hour or so...sometimes men are just dumb and don't get it until it happens to them.
I love this and even better,
I love this and even better, go to an ex-boyfriend's place (or his relatives) and run inside 'just to drop something off'. Then walk away somewhere he can't see and leave him waiting for 30 minutes.
What if you didn't say
What if you didn't say anything, but next time you are in the car with him and he's going in, insist on going in with him. Put him on the spot. Either he will freak out and forbid it, making you stay in the car, or you will go in. Once in, be friendly but see how it is. Do you get a weird vibe? Are they nice to you? Is the ex talked about? Be super nice. Maybe your being there will cut the chat short. Maybe they will be nice. Either way, you can't keep skulking in the car for 30 minutes at every drop off.
The skids are old enough
The skids are old enough where SO can just drop them off and wave, or if he insists on being "friendly" can pop his head in and say hi, how's it going. 15-30 minutes every time seems excessive, especially since skids are older and since OP is in the car.
I would not tolerate a mate
I would not tolerate a mate who made their failed family and XILs their priority over me and our relationship. In fact, I would not tolerate a mate who had much of anything to do with their X, and their XILs.
Failed family kids are something else, though I would not tolerate a mate who worshiped their failed family progeny or prioritized them over me or the relationship that mate and I have together. My mate is my priority above all and everyone else. Period.
If you do not value yourself, no one else will value you. Give this XIL worshipping idiot clarity.
Good luck.