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Having difficulty with stepson...

anxiouscat's picture

I moved in with my boyfriend who I am completely in love with... After a long abusive relationship that was my last marriage, I'm so happy to be with this man.

The first few months living here felt great, until I began to realize the severity of the behavior of my boyfriend's son. He is 4 years old. All he does is scream, command angrily and... Simply lives angrily. If he doesn't get his way, he is very aggressive and yells until his father gives in. His behavior gives me anxiety and after everything I've already been through, I just want to live in a calm, not hostile environment. He often tells my kids he wishes they'd leave, gets mad if they even look at him. I bought some expensive things for the household with my boyfriend and if anyone else wants to use them, he throws raging fits. He play fights very aggresively, hits, yells and swears regularly. I'm growing very tired of him telling my son that he is an idiot.

My boyfriend has had issues with my son as well, he feels that he is overly sensitive and whiney. Which I understand and we are working on it. But I think this is fairly normal behavior for a five year old.. needless to say, I don't love it either and want to work to improve this behaviour as well.

I see no light at the end of the tunnel with his son.. I see very minimal change and often his behaviour is rewarded because his father gives up and hands him what he wants out of exhaustion. I get it, it's hard. But it's solidifying for his son that it's okay how he acts. It's frustrating to me as well, that his son will act out all day and if my son whines a couple times through out the day, my boyfriend gets mad at my son! Doesn't express anger towards his own even when he acts much worse!

I'm not sure what can be done to change any of this but I'm seriously considering getting my own place. It will be hard to afford, but I think it may be best for my mental health. I'm so stressed because I'm taking care of my own two basically on my own and working a full-time job. I have no energy for my own kids anymore and constantly feel depressed. I don't want to be without my boyfriend. I love him so so much, but I just don't know if I can do this. He said he is open to the idea of living separately, but very clearly doesn't want to and has convinced me multiple times not to leave.

What would you do? Get your own place? It must be for the best, no? Maybe when our children are older we can manage better in the same house?


SteppedOut's picture

Yes you should move out! And I will further add that you may want to reconsider your relationship if your bf gets so angry about your child when he doesn't do anything about his feral child. 


JRI's picture

I have a feeling you will end up moving but before you do, would it be worthwhile to have a calm talk with your BF?   Does he see his son's behavior as a problem?  How often do you have him?  Aside from the issues the boy is causing, I wonder why a 4 year old is always angry.  Is he like this with his mom? Grandma? Nursery school?  Is your partner an effective dad?  How old are your kids?  

Hoping for the best outcome for you.  Good luck.

tog redux's picture

Yes, get your own place. This child is FOUR, imagine him at fourteen! Your BF is a lousy, lazy parent who does what's easiest for him, and he has no business saying bupkis about your son's behavior. If he can't get his son under control at such a young age, there's no hope for him parenting adequately in the future - unless he sees the problems himself and is willing to make changes.

You may really love this guy now, but you won't after years of dealing with his son's behavior. Move out and set a time limit (in your head) for when you expect him to get a handle on this issue with his son. There are lots of non-abusive men out there.

BethAnne's picture

Save your sanity and save your kids from living with this. Move out. Love often isn't enough, we have to use our brains too so that we can acurately assess a situation to see if it works for us (and our families). It sounds like this is not working for you. You deserve peace in your home and so do your kids.

Rags's picture

Kids like this need a clear and consistent connection between their lippy shitty behavior and stinging butt cheeks followed by hours standing in a remote corner holding the intersecting walls apart with their nose.

Shitty parents miss this point and then struggle with shitty kid behavior for life.

One question though... What about this failed idiot of a parent, man, and partner makes him worthy of you loving him "so, so, much"?  

Pull your head out and have some spine.  Boot them both to the curb and get on with your life while purging that shallow and polluted gene pool from your life and the lives of your children. They did not choose this idiot and his toxic failed family pelvic sputum. You did. That is not fair to your kids.