10-year old stepson... Am I just not trying hard enough
Hi everyone,
I have a 10-year old stepson that lives about 60 miles from my husband, myself and our 11 week old. Given the distance, we are only able to have him every other weekend.
The problem that I have is that I really don't like him and I don't even know what to do to change that.
He is overweight and wants to eat all the time. He will never excersize or go outside to play (always videogames). He does not listen to me when I ask him to do something (he says "I'll ask my dad"). If I try to have any conversation with him where I give him parental advice, he responds back with "I know".
Since we've recently moved, we are renting a small condo, where the two boys have to share a room. Because of this, my whole baby nighttime schedule is thrown completely off every time he is here.
My husband is a great father and would do anything for either of his two boys. He does not allow my stepson to rule the roost and, in fact, my stepson behaves VERY well when his dad is around.
I'm scared to approach my husband with this topic because I don't know what he can really do about it and, in the past, when I've brought up anything, he tries to discipline my stepson about it and just makes things worse.
ANY ADVICE??
Welcome!
I guess I have a few questions about your family situation before I give my “two cents”. I.E. How long you’ve been married, how long have you been a part of the step-son’s life, etc…Also, do you think it is possible that he knows that you don’t like him and that affects the way in which he interacts with you? Kids are very perceptive and as much as we try to hide things, they “feel” everything! But also, is it him that you don’t like or his ways (i.e. the values that his mother has instilled in him are values that you would not instill if you were his mother) I ask this because if that is the case then it is possible that you can work on that together and build “feeling” for one another. Find a way to incorporate the things he likes to do with outdoor activities…it may be hard and take some creativeness but there is a way. If your city has movie in the park night, go see say X-Men or something, take your lawn chairs and a Frisbee for before the movies starts. If he likes food (which is something that also could be a learned behavior) make an event out of it by making your own pizzas and get healthy toppings and all three of you have a contest. Or do a make your own Sunday night after dinner but used sherbert instead of ice cream and fruit instead of candy….just things like that is what I suggest…I believe that it is possible for you to like him over time (and maybe love him one day) because if you aren’t able to fix this now, it is likely to cause a real problem with him and his brother in the future and it is VERY IMPORTANT for them to have a strong bond….just my thoughts
It will work!!!
You can change a person by giving the love he deserves. Love him and make him feel that you are telling all these for his good. Any other solutions may result in unpredictable situation. Take it as a challenge and go ahead. All the best.
MommaT
Sounds like your stepson, does not have a good foundation. I'll say he lacks manners and discipline, entirely biomom's fault if anything because the child resides w/biomom most of the time. Does stepson and your son get along? Another possible reason could be that he feels like he is in competition w/your son or jealous. Or he is frustrated with the parents separation. Try sitting him down and ask him why he doesn't listen to you when you tell him to do things? Or if there was anything that is bothering him? Since you said he is good around his father but not towards you, it might be the relationship with the 2 of you. It might be good to build a relationship w/him, take him out to do things together, if he says no, drag his butt out of the house, if you can't do an activity at home. Remove the video game out of the house otherwise he'll never respond to you.
Have good things to choose from
It may be easier than you think. Get the junk food out of the house or put away where he can't find it. The pizza idea is great. Get rid of the video game unit and as stated above get a frisbee, a bike, a soccer ball, a football, whatever interests him enough to get moving. Doing something like that is enjoyable and that helps in bonding. I hope this helps.
What a drag...
What a "drag" is would be if the video game system at your house miraculously "broke"..LOL..