I'm hoping I'm overreacting here since I'm feeling a bit moody with the pregnancy hormones, although I don't think I am sadly.

I've known my stepson since he was 2, and now he is 14. It's NEVER been easy with him. Most of the same issues we all see here, with the bio mom causing problems, and the boyfriend (now my husband) not disciplining his son and letting the bio mom walk al over him. Sigh. Add on top of that, my stepson was pretty much raised by my husband's parents. They were very against the bio mom raising him (even though she married and had two other kids she raised) and the bio mom just let them pay for everything and used them as a babysitter when she "couldn't handle" watching her own son anymore. She would drop him off whenever she wanted, there was no routine or stability. He was allowed to stay up late here, and had free reign of a huge house with nobody watching him (while my husband worked.) We tried living together, but any time he would break the rules in our house (which was every day) we couldn't discipline the poor emotionally fragile child according to his bio mom. And my husband would go along with this mostly. When he was at his grandparents house the granpda would SCREAM and was quite abusive. They would ignore him all day, and not feed him until late. I didn't know this (they seemed responsible enough,they raised my husband and two other kids...) until I moved in shortly for awhile to save money in between apartments. I tried to warn bio mom and she said I was trying to ruin her life (yeah,I guess asking you to take your son when he was in a bad environment would ruin your life...heaven forbid you have to take care of him or spend any money on him...) She paid zero child support the time we had him full time, yet FREAKED out when my husband claimed her son on our taxes (she had him for one month of the tax year) and only just now was having him full time (we had no problem with her claiming him for the tax year she has him now...I don't think she understands how taxes works...)

Anyways,sorry for the long rant, but thought it would help explain the situation and how he is turning out. I pretty much disengaged and stayed away and lived in my own apartments and wanted nothing to do with the situation. After all, if boyfriend was not going to listen to me and respect my rules in my house and let the bio mom boss him around, his son would not live with me. This worked out ok for awhile, but his son uses this to try to manipulate me (you never talk to me!!! wahhh!) even though I work two jobs and barely have time for anybody and when I DO make an effort to hang out he would just want to hang out on the computer.

I put up with this for ten years, and FINALLY boyfriend seemed to realize my side of things. He realized his son was better off full time at his mom's and here only two days (bf and me worked too much to really give him full attention and his parents were too old to take care of him properly,and didn't watch him enough and we couldn't afford a babysitter-even though he is 14 now,he still needs ones if you ask me...)

Things were relatively good, and boyfriend got a job where he was gone six weeks, home 3. And home for two months in the winter. Finally! This seemed like the best situation. If he was making enough money, I could spend more time with his kid and give him the full time attention he needed. Even start our own life and have kids too! He would be at the mom's most of the time for school since he lived there,and I could deal with having him for a few months or summer vacation (again, on the idea we'd be both home)

Husband almost died at his job,and in this moment of being afraid he almost died, I decided (against better judgement) to get married. He ASSURED me he was going back to work when he healed and he wasn't fired. I even got pregnant! (I was turning 35 this year, waited 12 years for us to finally have it together... didn't think I'd get pregnant in one month at 35 either...)

Well, guess what? He lost his job. I am now working full time and another part time job while he does "real estate." I am pregnant.

And on top of that, we had his son here for Christmas break. It was when I was going to announce I was pregnant to the extended family. His son pretty much ruined our entire break. He is completely out of control. I know we only have him for weekends, but how he behaved after he found out i was pregnant and on break made me not want him in this house at all (at least until he gets some help-I feel he needs 24/7 watching, whether its a therapeutic boarding school or a correctional dept..at this rate,he is going to go juvenile hall eventually if he keeps acting this way)

He snuck out in the middle of the night to go see two 12 year old girls. He walked 6 miles at midnight in not nice ares. He stole and took a knife with him. The girl he was with is obsessed with slender man (she had in the backpack they took stories about teens with knives who run away and stab people...NOBODY, and I mean nobody, not even the police, were concerned by that! Um, hello,they are ACTING this out...I don't care if they are just kids) When we went to the park we thought they went to (stepson isn't too smart about hiding his tracks,we were able to log in to his facebook and find out where he went) and they heard my husband they took off into the dark woods and we couldn't find them. This went on until the next day..he was gone from midnight until 2pm the next day when the police found them (according to stepson talking to his friends though it was because he turned himself in..uh,yeah,not what happened...)

So, after that I didn't trust him much. Started reading through his facebook and horrified by the things I found. We grounded him from the internet (he was getting into bad stuff on there,and the friends he talked to were bad influences...we weren't just taking it away as a punishment) and he acted like we were abusing him! Suicidal, and cutting himself. He stole a phone or computer EVERY day for the next week. We just the network off with the router, he found a way in. We hid our phones and computers, and he would find an old one nobody has used in years (going through everbody's rooms to find it)

He left himself logged in to my hubands old phone's facebook and I took that to work to monitor him (he would take his grandparents phones from their pockets when they fell asleep, or hack into the password protected ones)

And while I was at work I read him talking about setting stuff on fire, threatening to KILL someone who was making fun of his girlfriend (and he was talking to five other girls that he was interested in them, and sexually role playing with a couple)

and just all kinds of awful stuff about me and my husband.

The last straw came when he got into a LOCKED box that had his grandpa's gun in (mind you,we never told him the hidden location either, he snooped until he found them,then broke into the locked boxes....)

This is also a kid who was expelled at 11 for taking a knife to school.

His mom came home and took him away and put him in the hospital (for the cutting and stealing a knife (these both occurred on the same day,its not like we were ignoring that) and doesn't want us to see him.

Husband now is on the same page as me about disciplining him our home and also not letting his ex run our life (he finally realized I was right she was acting so crazy all the time just get back at him because she is mad he didn't stay when she was pregnant,even though they weren't even together at the time it happened..she actually admitted to it when she came to get him and said "You didn't have the balls to stick it out with me!") He was really shocked when she said, this woman is married with two kids and still hasn't moved on from the fact he didn't want to marry her??? No wonder her son feels like he's the reason his parents aren't together...

but I feel like it's a little too late for that now. Any time we discipline him now,he gets suicidal and crazy. And his mom then gets nuts too. I feel like if he won't respect our rules in our house,he can go live with her full time and my husband can just visit his son.

I don't feel safe with him in our house, with him stealing knives, and playing with guns,threatening other kids,setting fires, running away...and his complete lack of respect is not something that can be fixed overnight. But with our financial issues it's going to be hard enough to take care of a newborn without worrying about our safety.

Am I overreacting, or is he really unsafe to be around? He's 14 now, but I feel like he's going to just keep getting worse.

I'd love to send him to a boarding school where he could get 24/7 care to heal the emotional issues caused in both homes (his bio mom lives in a trailer with two other kids and they are always fighting) and the games played between his bio mom and my husbands lack of discipline, and his grandpa's TOO much discipline. Ugh. Maybe after that point he will be able to better manage the stress and be allowed in our home again, but I just don't trust him at all right now.

Any suggestions on affordable ones in Michigan, or if the correctional dept would be able to help find funding for us (I feel like it's better he get help now then end up in actual jail later)

I realize its a lot to read, so here's the short version:

14 year old stepson steals knifes, runs away, threatens to kill kids, sexually active with multiple girls, plays with guns, cuts himself and gets suicidal when disciplined....and I don't feel safe having him around my newborn next year. Is it ok for him to live at his mom's full time and his dad just visit him?