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Has anyone ever approached BM on their own?

firefly25's picture

DH and I have been together for 5 years and have a 2 yr old together. His kids visit EOW and the oldest girl (12) has never spoked to me directly and ignores me and the 2yr old like we are not there. My Ex went to Art night to see all of of the art they have done this year and read a paper she wrote about "Family". The paper said she lives with her Dad, Mom and brothers. No mention of her sister or me. None of her friends no about us nor will her mother agree to counceling for her...."she is fine at my house, its your problem". Very sad to say the least.
Apparently, the x-wife has some deep seated resentment and is tranferring it to her daughter. The girl is almost as much of an innocent victim as me and my daughter. I understand this has nothing to do with me and has everything to do with her mother. A very sad situation for the girl. We could be enjoying each other's company and having fun, but this girl is caught in the middle and right now, her loyalty lies with her Mom because of Mom's emotional blackmail. Shame on the X-wife for putting such a burden on her child.
I have an BS (15) who the girl will not engage with - and this is effecting everyone in the house. I dread weekends that she is there because it is so uncomfortable. Events outside the house for his kids when the Ex is around is just horrific, with the dirty looks and angry outbursts. My Son has stopped trying to be her friend and honestly so have I. I am polite and do what I need - however have just disengaged. I have an investment in this relationship with his kids and it is painful to watch them hurting.
My questions is - has anyone experienced a similar situation? And has anyone attempted to approach the Ex to discuss what is going on to try to help the children involved?

tweetybird74's picture

I would think that your DH should be the one to do this, not you. By you doing this it could cause more issues than help anything.

firefly25's picture

DH and I have been in Counceling and he has approached her several times about his daughter and her behavior. BM is in denial and sayes time and time again "its your problem, she is fine at my house".

overworkedmom's picture

This is such an extreme case. 5 years you have been together and your H has not taken her to counseling yet??? Forget the BM and you guys need to go to family therapy. I have no idea how you have lived like that for so long. If I was you I would have been flipping my lid by the second weekend SD was in MY home acting like that.

firefly25's picture

DH and the Ex have Joint custody and have to agree to all decisions together. BM will not agree for him to bring her to counceling. If it were me - I would be bringing her anyway - what are the courts going to say - this is in the best interest of the child.

I just thought if I approach her "mother to mother" this may lighten up just a tad. I guess I am just grasping at any kind of solution. I am very unhappy and it is just terrible to watch her with her sister - she just stares and never smiles, plays or interacts with her. Incredibly jealous I guess. I feel so bad for her and want to help.

B22S22's picture

Don't do it. The BM has already made it clear that it's not her problem, it's yours. She's already put up her walls. And if you truly believe the SD is getting the attitude from her mom, it will do no good for you and BM to try to discuss it rationally.

My SK's were 9 when I came into this relationship. They're now almost 17. It's only been in the last 2-3 months that one of them will even acknowledge that I've said something and may on occasion say 1-2 words to me. Prior to this, we could go MONTHS without them saying one single word to me, and they would NEVER acknowledge my presence. If their mother was around, they would refuse to speak to their own father or grandparents (DH's parents) if I was standing there.

Remember, relationships are 2-way streets. You (and the rest of your family) can go out of your way to appease and accomodate this child but nothing will change unless the child wants it to. She is getting some type of satisfaction out of behaving this way, even if it's the tacit support of the BM. Unless the child wants to change, you will go out of our mind trying to please her, probably all to no avail.

I finally had to tell my DH I would NOT continue to pursue a relationship with them, because after all these years they obviously didn't want one. They are welcome at any point in time to change their tunes and become a REAL part of this family but until then, I'm done. I will not allow the behavior of two snot-nosed teenagers to undermine my self-worth and self-esteem, nor that of anyone else in this household. As an aside, their mother treats me the same way so I'm guessing that the SK's will never change because they're taking their lead from BM. And I'm sure she rewards them handsomely for it.

giveitago's picture

Very similar here, I disengaged to liberate myself from them all. DH really does try hard not to rock the boat but I am at the point where teenagers (now 18 year old twins, boy and girl) are paddling their own canoes. I realized that any effort I made was just taken advantage of and I am not willin to be used by them. It is a self respect issue, my perspective of me is the same as it was, and is shared by others so esteem is not the issue...I am not so vain as to say I am such a great person...LOL

BSgoinon's picture

I did. It worked. I am not saying that it will work for everyone. But I did it, and things are better now because of it.

I emailed BM about 6 years ago (or so). I was humble, I told her that I didn't want to cause problems but I did want her to see what problems her actions were causing to DH and SS's relationship. I even told her that I will never have what she has, I will never have a child with DH. I can't give him what she did, and it is hard for me to sit back and watch her strip him of the opportunity to be the father he wanted to be. It wasn't fair that she was MAKING him be a "deadbeat dad", not financially, but in the relationship with SS because of the crap she was filling SS's head with.

She actually responded quite well and we have been on speaking terms ever since. Things changed that day. She is now willing to ALWAYS hear our opinion, usually just mine because DH won't talk to her. She understands that she doesn't have to "facilitate" DH and SS's relationship, that DH is a big boy and can be a dad allllll on his own. The tables have really turned with our situation though because BM is the deadbeat parent. She just doesn't like to admit it. She has admitted it, but it is rare.

I don't think it is for everyone. I think that I took a chance, and it could have gone WAY the other way. But for us, it really couldn't have gotten any worse, so I had nothing to lose. I took the chance and it paid off.

firefly25's picture

Thanks for your comments. The relationship with DH and his Daughter is definately being effected. She doesn't want to be at our home and can't wait to leave on Sundays. She is always on the phone with her mother at our house and finds ways for him to bring her home to get this or I forgot that. He is the best father, one of the reasons I fell in love with him. I have experienced the opposite with my first marriage and to see first hand how the "father role" should be is just amazing. I love him so much for staying consistant and putting himself out there time and time again - only to get hurt. He calls them every single night with only getting to talk to them once in awhile. They don't call back nor do they speak nicely to him. Its just heart wrenching to see him hurt like this. Its just a shame to see a father so in love with his kids get treated this way. Thank god for our little girl to give him constant love.
I feel the same as you - what can it hurt for me to try! It can't possibly get any worse. I don't know what else to do. Just giving up is not the answer. Thank you for sharing your story.

Orange County Ca's picture

I guess you should give it a try in light of the success story above as long as you are prepared for rejection.

The key to the success was the groveling at the beginning. If you're prepared to do that it just might work.

BSgoinon's picture

Groveling... NO. I did not grovel. I just let BM know that I was aware of her role in DH's life. She is the mom of his son. I think sometimes all they want is that recognition. I say I was HUMBLE because she is not MUCH OF A MOM. However in order to open the doors of communication, I was willing to recognize the fact that I will never be that to DH. We chose not to have kids together.

There is a difference between groveling and being humble and having a well planned conversation.

janeyc's picture

As this woman has done all she can to make you feel uncomfortable even at the risk of her own childrens happiness, I would say never approach her, she will use it to her advantage, she may say you have been abusive and she could really hurt you, stay away whatever you do, its sounds as though you really have your head screwed on, just continue as you are, as the children grow, hopefully they will see the truth.