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If you had 3 things to change..........

firefly25's picture

If you had (3) things you could change about how you and your partner communicate with each other - what would they be. (not the kids, extended family or the dog just you and your partner)

misSTEP's picture

We have done a LOT of work on this in the past two years and have resolved most of our issues.

So, I only really have one thing I would change:

1. DH would tell me when something is bothering him. After being together so long, I can TELL as soon as I see him if something is bothering him. He will deny it. That annoys me because I can TELL. I used to badger him about it but now I just walk away and leave him alone. He always ends up telling me about it at another point in time. Why not right away?

hismineandours's picture

1. When i bring up an issue to be discussed, I wish that dh would not feel attacked, defensive and respond by attacking (not literally-just verbally!) or either avoiding me for days hoping i forget the issue. I wish he could understand that a discussion can just be a discussion-does not have to be an argument-and solutions can come from these discussions. This is probably the biggest issue for me

2. Is similiar to misStep's. Dh will often not tell me when things bother him. Especially anything related to family of origin or ss. If they make contact with him, I KNOW it bothers him on many levels, he has feelings about it, and will often "act out" in some way or become depressed. However, he just chooses to act like it doesnt bother it. I too, leave him alone now, as I also used to try and get him to talk which then his acting out would be to blowup on me and take it on me. Now, I too, walk away, but then ultimately he brings it up 3 days later or I will bring it up and he will readily admit its been bothering him and its why he's acted like an ass, or depressed, or distant, etc. Well, duh.

Apparently I have no communication issues I need to fix since I didnt list any!

Not really-there are things I need to work on as well. I also let things build sometimes. I will ignore little pesky issues because I feel they are little pesky issues but then they add up and I will nag and bitch. And will nag and bitch. And nag and bitch. It turns my mood sour for the day or two days or in bad cases 3 or 4 and I feel like holing up in my room and watching netflix and drinking wine.

misSTEP's picture

My problem is my own. I automatically assume that he is upset with ME. So it kind of stresses me out when he won't tell me.

sassyscientist's picture

Wow- I feel rather convicted here! (in a very good way!)

I'm the one that could improve on my communication skills. My DH is so much more adept and aware of his feelings/concerns/etc. and is better (although not always perfect) than I at communicating them.

The three things I would like to change (and am trying to improve upon):

1)Not being reactive when my DH has input with regard to my girls (My default was always defensive and my DH has never brought anything to me that was disrespectful/hurtful about my girls).

2)Not doing the "sour lemon" expression and being closed off when my DH brings to me a concern of his. I need to stop being defensive and actually hear him out...we eventually get there, but I waste at least the first 10...15...30 minutes being to damn stubborn.

3)Not allowing my former to affect me. He has no jurisdiction in my life outside of co-parenting. Any slings and arrows he throws at me need to be met with a shield of indifference.

Sweetjennygirl's picture

For the most part, DH and I communicate on an amazing level, so, my complaints are few, and somewhat trivial in the grand scheme...
But it's ALWAYS FUN to bitch about SUMPTHIN right?!

Annnnnd I typed out this whole long smarty pants post and only half of it showed up Smile