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Beginning the Journey

Invisibear's picture

Hello all! This is my first post so please bear with me as I find some my footing and hopefully the support I am needing!

I started dating a man in 2019 and met his children shortly after we got together. At the time, his children (S12 and D5) were in his soole custody. Flash through 2019, we all move in together and jive well for such a mix - both children are kind and well behaved, respectful towards me and their father. 2020 hits and SD's BM is giving 50/50 custody and COVID19 challenges all the schooling. We muddle though (going back and forth is hard on his daughter, SS is with us 100% of the time) My partner and his ex do not get along, they only communicate through the court appointed application and my partner has his lawyer do as much of the communication as possible. 

Things were "fine" - the kiddos and I got along well, like I was an aunt or something (perfect role for me as I never wanted children of my own). We never had any out right fights, no cursing each other out etc. My partner is fanstic and makes sure we are the center of the family, I am always including in parenting choices yet I am never put out to do any child care. I can't say enough about what an amazing father and partner he is. My partner's daughter (who is now 8 and will be called Princess) struggled with BM and Partner divorcing, however she very clearly saw and would state that both her parents are happier, I thought she like all children wanted her parent under the same roof and even though it hurt, I underst

The issues seemed to start when my partner and I bought our house last August. Princess has become cold and rude towards me. I was so hurt and confused as we trudged through the fall and winter months as Princess continued to act as though I did not exsist, tell BM I was "around too much" (Hello, you live in MY HOUSE), cringe when asked to thank or acknowledge me, and forcce herself between my partner and I (physically, when we are hugging or laughing she will smush herself between us). 

Then, Partner proposes in January. The kiddos knew about the engagement for several months before the proposal - hence, Princess's snottiness to me. Partner's son (I'll call him Pup) records the proposal as a thoughtful gesture, however the kiddos are standing too far back to hear much of what is being said...so the video is a tiny film of Parner down on a knee and me fawning all over him while Princess narrates with "EW EW EW EWEW". This is when my heart broke - and honestly, I have not bounced back.

I know BM is talking mad $hit, I know she is telling Princess I am horrid, I will leave, I will never be her mother. I know that, I get it. But the cold shoulder, after being her only other support (outside Partner) for over a year, to taking care of her needs and continung to spend MORE time with her than BM (she is always shipped off to BM's parents when she is under BM's custody time), I thought I would have gained some level of care and connection. I am not trying to be her mother, but right now, I am lower than the dogs in her eyes. Again, Patner is fanstatic and ALWAYS stands up for me, always supports whatever parenting choice I make (rarely do I make any alone, Partner and I always talk about these issues together or we all do as a family). I know I have a easy situation compaired to many because of the strong (soon-to-be)marriage, I am looking for support with balancing disengagement and care. 

tog redux's picture

Welcome - if he's fantastic, what is he doing about his daughter's rude behavior? He should be the one doing the parenting - not you. In a case like this, you shouldn't be doing ANY care - it should all be on him. 

(Also, have to be honest - a proposal should be between the two adults, the kids didn't need to be involved).

Invisibear's picture

Oh I totally agree about the proposal - and Partner apologized for it as well. He wanted to include them in the news and apparently both kiddos insisted in being a part of it. I understand where he was coming from, it seemed like it would be a nice, family bonding and unifying experience but it was not. 

Partner openly calls Princess out on her behavior, every glare and lack of apprecition is called out when he sees it and some of the more painful ones that he misses are also discussed. Princess is always all tears and remorse for the moment but back to Iceland the next day. My "parenting" is half the house work and filling the 10% gap Partner cannot (Today is the first day I drove Pup to school...ever.....because Partner was taking Princess to BM, I help with homework if I am home first, we go on outings as a family and I am engaged as a parent then, I talk with either/both kiddos when they are having a meltdown and Partner is at work). Big parenting issues (aka - whatever Princess's drama of the week is) are dealt with either my partner and I or Partner handles it first (because Princess will not come to me about anything and makes up crisis just for Partner's attention) and then I am included in a 2nd re-hash of the conversation within 24 hours. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

He verbally calls her out - but is there also a negative consequence for her behavior? If he is just talking to her about her behavior, it is obviously not working. There needs to be an appropriate punishment applied for her behavior.

Read up on parental alienation. Even if it is not full blown at this point, much her behavior may be coming from the way BM talks about you. If so, there is not much you can do about it - other than to try and not take it personally. She should treat you with respect, but you can't make her bond with you if she doesn't want to.

I am concerned that your SO let his kids become involved in the proposal because they insisted on it. Does that happen often? Does he give in when they insist on things?

Read around this site and you will see your probable future with Princess. It is not going to be an easy ride.

Invisibear's picture

Thank you for the tip on PA - I will read up on it

The proposal was really...weird. Honestly, he does not given in often, I think he romantized the family aspect of the moment, partually because Pup and I have a really good relationship and he is genuinely happy and Princess will say anything to make her dad happy in the moment.  

I understand it will be tough. I know I won't have a strong bond with Princess ever and I will probably continue to care for her more than she cares for me. I'm here for support as I muddle through the acceptance that I am not her mother and she is not my daughter. 

Kerrywho's picture

Well, this is what you're signing up for so....

 

I couldn't do it. I just ended my relationship with a single dad. Too much baggage and too many difficulties. Not enough positives there for it to be worth while. 

 

If it's starting to bother you now, it won't get easier. It will get worse. Resentments will start to build and the kids will divide you and your fiance. Thaat divide will get wider over time. 

 

Before you get married you should take some time to seriously mull things over and realistically, not emotionally, decide if you're well suited for this, if this AS IT IS NOW, is sustainable for you and your fiance. Don't romanticize the situation. 

 

There's a reason why divorce rates are so high amoung couples with children from a previous relationship

lieutenant_dad's picture

Princess needs to realize actions have consequences.

She's being snotty to you? Looks like you're not helping her with homework. Or taking her on an outing she wants to go on. Or telling her each and every time that she needs to talk to her father.

I also think it's entirely appropriate for you to call her out on her behavior towards you. And it's entirely appropriate to tell your FH that he solve the rudeness. You two don't have to be friendly, but you and his DD need to have mutual respect that she isn't giving.

Whether he doles out consequences, takes her to therapy, whatever - he needs to do something differently. He needs to be the one on forums doing research. He needs to be googling "why does my DD hate my future wife?" If you can do it, so can he, and he needs to put MORE effort into finding a solution than you do.

And yes, not getting this resolved should result in you two postponing your wedding. It is not fair to you for this to be looming. This needs fixed by him sooner rather than later. His focus right now needs to be on preventing alienation as much as possible, and if he can't do that, then figuring out a different parenting arrangement to keep SD from you and creating problems. He may not like that those are his choices...but those are his choices.

Invisibear's picture

Yes - I totally agree about backing off with going out of my way for her and I feel no expectation to from Partner, he is clear that I get to choose my level of involvment. Everyone has raised a good point about an actual consequence rather than a conversation because yes, conversation is not changing, I think this is something Partner would be on board with too. You say he should deal out the consequences - which is how we roll now (for other misbehaviors), however I am typically part of the conversation - would it be better if I was not present? Clearly, I am struggling with where I fit on the parent spectrum 

MidnightPony's picture

Others will always have their views on this, but mine is that we talk things out all together. The kids know we communicate a lot and talking through issues works well for us as a household. I'll also deal out consequences as well as sometimes it's just not practical to wait until my partner is able to, plus I'm not putting up with crappy behaviour any longer than is necessary! This works for us and the kids know not to act up with me-  when they were younger and before I started feeling more confident about speaking up they would sometimes take advantage of consequence free obnoxiousness.

That said some step parents won't deal with that side of things at all, so it's really individual. Finding where you fit isn't easy and there aren't any simple answers, I've looked for them in books and this website and realised I just have to make my own way through based on what's best for all of us. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I agree you may want to postpone the wedding for a while. As someone who has been at the other end of PAS even if they like you now as the teen years roll around that can all change. 

From my personal experience things don't get better.

Stepdrama2020's picture

She will the source of all your problems, the sour in your milk, the fly in your lemonade. All thanks to daddio and mumsey dearest. Eventually you will be blamed for anything that goes wrong. Its raining, Evil SM caused it.

Your fiance may reprimand her in front of you. Actions speaks louder than words. You will hope it gets better. You pray for the day BM will stop poisoning them against you. You will wait for DH to really step up to the plate. Then you will question yourself. What am I doing wrong. Ive done so much for the princess, cant she see that. 

Follow your gut HUN. Step life aint easy, and shit is always around the corner. BM will always be a call away. SD will always be there to drive a wedge.

It aint a pretty picture for so many.  

So you are at the beginning of your journey. I can only guess how the rest will go. I may be wrong. I hope I am. Blessings to a smoother ride than most of the members on here. 

 

LittleCloud9's picture

I don't want to sound naive here but she's 8. Little kids often take pain and anger and blast it on whoever is near by. If PA is happening she is probably suffering a lot of pain herself especially if you were close. If bm has made liking you a crime the girl is likely suffering a lot of conflicting feelings of torn loyalties. It's also not uncommon for kids to get upset that their parent is remarrying even if they liked the partner before. Bm is pressuring her and now she maybe afraid daddy is going to love her less. Maybe think about going to counseling either you and princess, you and hubby or as a whole family. Lots of time and patience are required to help a hurting child. And that's what she sounds like. Children want to be happy and please the adults in their lives. Acting out is usually a sign of unhappiness or pain in kids.

Mom may always be a pain but you can be a positive influence m in this girls life. If you want to make this work you have to take some punches to the heart bite your tongue and keep working hard. It's a long road but it can be successful. Get some support for yourself and learn to set healthy boundaries in your family. I really encourage counseling for the girl and you. Don't give up hope too fast. If you have something good it's worth fighting for 
best wishes 

CLove's picture

I am almost 7 years in this. SO, here is my experience: you can love, and pay, and do for these kiddos, but you will never be able to battle the parental alienation. It goes hard and runs deep in their emotional minds. The weaker ones fall head first into the toxic sludge, the smarter ones learn how to manipulate it.

Read my blogs - theres over 4 years of my experience written out. SD14 Backstabber was nice to me for almost all of my time. A few times she would play the houses against each other (smart kid), but not enough to have any big import. THIS last time a few weeks ago, and she herself pretty much threw away any kind of relationship with me, becuase I crossed the invisible line, and over functioned/parented her. We have a toxic Bm, Toxic Troll, and she has a toxic older sister Feral Forger SD22.

Before the Big Discard, I would have recomended you try taking her places just you two. Or making her favorite treats. Having a  spa day. But Ive learned the hard lesson that the best you can hope for is civility. IN times gone past, step families existed because a bio parent disappeared or died, so there was no parental alienation and court games. NOW, in current society, we are seeing a large amount of blended families. Our particular brand, bio-free step parenting, is special in that we either wanted kiddos and couldnt have them, or didnt want any at all. And we all get the whole "you dont understand parenting because you arent a parent" eventually we ALL hear this at least once.

I would talk to your partner. He needs to give repercussions to actions. You cannot do this, it must come from him.

Add another search term: Mini-wife syndrome

Invisibear's picture

Thank you CLove! I have been following your blog Smile

I think I am learning this learn early - thankfully! I can be a caring person in Princess's life and like Clound9 said I can certainly be a positive influence, but I think the one-on-one time is just too much for both of us. We can obrit each other in family settings and not crash and burn

Harry's picture

With out some punishment is not going to do anything.   He did the talk and nothing has change.  So that not the answer.

You problem is yoir SO he's not parenting his kids.  Until he starts parenting nothing is going to change.   So it's up to you to decide.  How you want to live in this relationship.  To disengage from the kids so it's you vs the kids. Make so parent. Or call it quits