You are here

Birthday WISH??

firefly25's picture

SO SD birthday is coming up and she called DH last week to discuss her birthday wish. Her wish is for her to go to dinner with her mother and father and not not me, my son and 18month old sister. My BF told her that "our" family will be going to dinner for her birthday and this is not a Birthday wish. A birthday wish is choosing where to go for dinner or what movie to see - not who gets to come. Her mother then proceeds to reinforce this suggestion by stating how horrible he is for not granting her wish - that she is happy to accomidate her and go our to dinner with him and her.
So SD is having a crying tantrum and he tells her that they will talk about it the next night at dinner. The next day BM calls BF and tells him DD is too upset to talk to him tonight and doesn't want to talk. So he asks for a hour or two on "her weekend" to pick DD up to discuss. Of course she has to check her calendar and never gets back to him. One week later - still no talking.
So this is the week of the birthday - BF calls to say goodnight to the kids and talks to DD. Tantrum starts - THIS IS NOT MY FAMILY, YOU ARE CHOOSING HER OVER ME, SHE IS NOT MY SISTER AND I WILL NOT GET INTO THE CAR WHEN YOU COME PICK ME UP FOR MY BIRTHDAY. Your ruining my birthday wish. This BM gets on the phone stating "Thank you for not putting your daughter first, how is this MY problem?" Is she serious?
THis is horrible. My BF is the best father and this is really really breaking his heart. I know he has to be firm or her behavior will continue. We just started not accepting her bad manners any longer and she is testing him to see if he will bend.
What do I do.......? He is looking at me with these sad eyes - do I just tell him to go to dinner? I really don't want to make his decision - he has too. I just feel horrible for this little girl - does anyone not see how mush pain she is in and needs help. If this were my child - counseling would of been in the past already. OH so sad for everyone - I just want everyone to be happy and enjoy everyone. I guess if BM isn't happy - everyone will pay. Advice?

firefly25's picture

Yes I agree with you. We have been in couseling for awhile now to help give us advice on how to handle her. About a month ago we had a "talk" with her to acknowledge her feelings and make steps towards a better co-existance when she visits. I also started going to his kids basketball games and events which makes her visably uncomfortable. She sits so far away from us and bolts at the first sight of her mother. Believe me it is so uncomfortable for me to be there getting death stares and looks of hatred from BM. I am there to support BF and his kids, cheer them on and leave. Is she testing the water - YES, is BM controlling and manipulative - YES YES.
I believe I will just shut my mouth - offer hugs and hope he makes the right moves.

firefly25's picture

BM will not force the kids to come on his weekend.....would she really be in contempt for this?

the_stepmonster's picture

SD AND BM are both trying to manipulate your BF to play their game. He needs to stand firm on this one. That is very disrespectful of her to try and exclude you and your family. She needs to accept that you are part of her father's life. I would say that maybe he should just go on a Daddy Date with her for her birthday (minus her mother), but I feel like that would be rewarding her for being disrespectful and snotty.

DeeDeeTX's picture

My DH occasionally goes out to dinner with skids and BM. I honestly don't see the big deal. If I don't have to be there, I view it as a break from the skids. Smile

Now if she's being mean in other areas, that's an issue, but I guess I just don't view this request, in and of itself, as a deal breaker.

firefly25's picture

I actually like being around my BF kids and don't need a break from them. This is a BIG Deal and SD is not adjusting to their divorce (over 5 years now) or her Dads new family.

DeeDeeTX's picture

Just pointing out that IMHO her birthday wish isn't absolutely beyond the pale (at least as it is presented here.) Open disrespect and defiance should not be tolerated, but saying she doesn't want her special dinner with you present isn't rising to that level. Again, IMHO.

Maybe a compromise where her dad takes her out to dinner by himself, like a daddy/daughter thing?

Anon2009's picture

I'm half-tempted to say let BM violate the court order. Then haul her butt off to court and request that the judge mandate that SD get professional help. I agree with you, she's in a lot of pain. Besides what BM is telling her, she probably feels jealous that your BS and BD get to live with DH full-time.

However, she needs to be taught ways to control her feelings so they don't spill out into bad behavior. Maybe for a b-day or Christmas present, Dad could get her a diary, where she can write down her feelings, let them out and let loose. I know that helped me a lot as a kid.

What does your therapist say about her behavior?

firefly25's picture

I love your idea of a diary! I have been trying to get her something that she would like but I think no matter what it may be - it would be tossed. Our Therapist reinforces holding our ground and not bending to her wishes. She really really wants to work with her and BF has been waiting to see if things improve on their own - they are not. I believe he may be ready to bring her for a session with her. It is overdue.

Anon2009's picture

Thanks Smile

I hope they don't do just one session together- it sounds like she'll need to consistently be in counseling for some time, maybe years.

my.kids.mom's picture

When you say "our" family, or "dad's new family," I'm guessing your sd doesn't consider herself to be a part of it. "Her" family is her mom and her dad. In the original posts, I assumed she was 5-7 years old. A 12 yr old, after a split of 5 years, will not be misled that they will get back together. I would bet that she has given up on that. She should have received counseling years ago. No offense, but the fact that she hasn't received any counseling so far tells me that it's possible that the parents were more focused on finding new relationships for themselves than on making sure this girl was okay.