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RESPONSE FROM YSD AS TO WHY SHE WON'T INVITE SM TO WEDDING

FWSM1964's picture

Hi dad, thanks for asking. But I am sure you understand that, that is a not a relationship I want now. You and I hardly even see each other. 

I don’t mean for this to be hurtful but rather to explain where I come from with not wanting to pursue that relationship right now or probably ever. 

 You had girlfriends while married and living with us and mom. They were horrible secrets and from a child’s eyes - absolutely heartbreaking. So, any relationship you have with women will honestly, probably forever leave a bad taste in my mouth. And I don’t think I can just get over that. 

I’m truly happy you’re happy. All I want is for everyone to be happy. But that is not a relationship I can fuel right now. I never wish anything bad for FWSM1964. I am sure she is the nicest lady. But again, I don’t think I’ll ever want to meet her. 

I also want to let you know that I’m not going to traditional route with certain things in my wedding. I’ll be waking myself down the aisle. I feel the whole being “given away” thing is dated and makes me feel less than. I think we will still do father daughter /mother son dance though. 

LIKE I SAID BEFORE: 

1. YSD HAS NO USE FOR PARTNER OTHER THAN AS A PROP IN HER WEDDING OR AN INFREQUENT ATM MACHINE. OSD & YSD HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON WITH THEIR FATHER AND TALKING TO THEM IS LIKE PULLING TEETH FOR HIM.

2. I CAN NEVER MEET YSD BECAUSE BM PAS'D HER AND HER SISTER FROM AGE 6 BY STATING THAT MY PARTNER WAS CHEATING WHEN HE WAS NOT. HE WENT OUT A LOT TO MEET FRIENDS AND BM TOLD THE KIDS HE WAS OUT WITH WOMEN. HE EVENTUALLY FOUND A WOMAN TO DATE (NOT YET ME) AND IMMEDIATELY MOVED OUT OF THE MATRIMONIAL HOME.

3. BM HAS RECENTLY ADMITTED TO SEVERAL LIES SHE TOLD MY PARTNER DURING THEIR MARRIAGE; HOWEVER, SHE REFUSES TO COME CLEAN WITH THE KIDS ABOUT THE LIES SHE TOLD THEM ABOUT THEIR FATHER. OSS & YSS HAVE FORGIVEN THEIR DAD. OSD & YSD WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM. NONE OF HIS KIDS EVEN CARE TO HEAR HIS SIDE.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

You're lucky. The decision is made for you- you literally don't have to be the bad guy and disengage. SKIDs are disengagin without even giving you a chance. It's actually the cleanest likely most healthy situation for YOU. I know you are mad, I can tell by the all caps. But this is actually a very good situation for you. And as sad as it is for your DH, it's a clear line for him too. You're in the clear and can live drama free. This is truly a good thing.

Sandybeaches's picture

Sure she won't have to meet them but the drama will still be part of her life with no say at all !!  Not that we have a say but sometimes if you are involved you get an opinion. 

I don't care what anyone states, when your husband/wife/partner, belongs to a situation and people that you are not allowed to be part of it puts a strain on your relstionship and you often times feel left out whether you admit it or not.  It puts a barrier in your relationship.  It's a bad situation!!

Now with OP here I don't know the story but it sounds like her DH has just become part of his daughters life.  I would let DH know that you and he are a package deal or not at all.  OP didn't break up the marriage, that baggage shouldn't be put on her.  SD needs to grow up if she is old enough to get married she is old enough to know how rude that is to ask a husband to come to a wedding without his wife!!

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

...I will get to the SO standing up in 2nd paragraph: What I have learned from my experiences and many others is to stay out. Just get out of there. The less they see you the more they have to look at themselves - you are no longer a distraction. Most of the time when a stepparent disengages and gets the hell out of the family events there is not a common cause to negatively unite against. They either turn on themselves or they focus elsewhere.

Let dad GO. It will be oddly lonely not having his partner at the wedding and seeing everyone else with one. I still see this as a win. He needs to come to his own conclusions and the absolute less you care the more he's either going to push for you or if he doesn't really care then it may be the end fo a relationship- you deserve better. You shouldn't fight for him to care about you. 

Separate rant: Why do we put up with this amount of BS? Seriously. I am not any better - my DH would not accept this (or he'd be out the door) BUT there is a level of reflection that NO ONE ELSE IN THIS FAMILY does. I find it perplexing that no one takes the time to look at their own behaviors but rather focus on me. It's wild. Your SD's behavior should be the FOCUS. Your SO unable to have a backbone and complaining about your 'tude should be the FOCUS. Not you. You're reacting to THEIR bad behavior.

FWSM1964's picture

My partner however feels like walking on eggshells to get crumbs of affection from OSD & YSD. He feels that if he tells YSD he cannot attend her wedding, she will never speak to him again. He is willing to get sucked into the mean girls' drama!

Then, he would blame me because I gave him the advice not to go out of respect to me. I told him that he is an adult. He can listen to my advice, but if he takes it, it's on him. Not me.

He is now angry at me and plans to sleep over at OSS's house tonight. I'm not sure how much longer we are going to last.

He had two relationships before me. One was 6 years and the other was 3 years. We are at the 6 year mark now.

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Misplaced anger (DH)...let him go to the wedding and don't let this be your issue. Plan something incredibly nice away - a vacation or something that gives you joy and refocuses your energy. Stay out of this. Separately, figure out if you want to be with this guy.

FWSM1964's picture

My thought is to behave the same way with YSD's wedding as I did with OSD's wedding. That is, to let him go alone and for me to drive 6 hours to visit my eldest son. My son is looking forward to it! 

However, my SO stated that YSD stated that she has rooms for $400 a night that my SO can book so that he can continue to party all night with "the family". I kind of feel this is disrespectful but I now realize that I will not be at home at this time as I will be staying over at my eldest son's place until the next day at least.

Now I am wondering why I chose the disrespect heaped on us by my SO's daughters to be a hill upon which to die. It has caused irrevocable damage to our relationship as I have pulled away due to my SO's inability to stand up to his daughters. I feel that he is lacking "balls" and I have lost some respect for him.

Similarly, my partner has complained about my malaise and newly negative attitude to a couple of his closest friends and family; friends and family who I've met and who previously liked me. This is not good for a relationship. Oh dear!

Sandybeaches's picture

The whole thing is disrespectful !!!  and it happened with another SD?

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Yeah...that is tough. It's very interesting - I am stepping OUT of a family vacation. However, before anyone could tell me that I am in or out I just removed myself. Maybe it was a way to protect from rejection? But when I got to thinking about it - I don't want to be around one of the adult SS. He is extremely toxic, passive agressive and ALL of his shortcomings, failures and general bad luck in life are directed at me. So the less I see of him the BETTER. 

As for your malaise and new negative attitude - what is he doing airing your dirty laundry?? Come on now! He needs to put his big boy pants on and look at himself. That's been one of the craziest things...everyone in a stepfamily looks at the STEPPARENT - their short comings, failures (one time the only thing they could criticize was I had the "wrong expression" on my face) but...no one else in that family looks at themselves. They just scapegoat the stepparent and never deal with their shortcomings. That's what is incredibly frustrating and your husband has yet again looked at YOUR behavior but not his own. This drives me BANANAS! 

caninelover's picture

Even SD said it had nothing to do with you.  Why is he taking it out on you?  Bizarre.

But he is an adult.  If he wants to go, fine.  If he wants to jump every time SK snaps their finger, that is up to him.  But it doesn't sound like SD really wants all that much to do with him.  And no way that is your fault!

StrawberryPie's picture

FWSM, I agree with the other poster- this could be a good thing. You don't have to disengage because the SD isn't engaging. Sounds like a lot of damage done in that family.  Did your partner have girlfirends while living with his wife?  If so, I could see SD has trauma from that. Either way, he has a long way to go to repair the relationship with his daughter. 

My DH's daughter was PAS'd and is now an adult and doesn't speak to him. If he had the option to go to her wedding without me, I would ABSOLUTELY encourage it. It would be a wonderful moment for him and honestly something I would be relieved not to be part of. 

I'd take the high road on this one. And yes, it is lonely AF in steplife on the high road. But keeps my soul feeling good. 

JRI's picture

Dear YSD, I received your letter and thank you for clearly articulating your position.  I will, of course, abide by your wishes.

In the same spirit of honesty, I wanted to correct some misunderstandings.  (Clear, very detailed explanation of his alleged marital misdeeds.  Since his letter will be critiqued by BM, he should refrain from blame, just stating facts, especially those that can be verified.)   

You are correct in surmising that DW is a very fine person who makes me happy.  She joins me in wishing you every happiness.   Love. Dad

 

 

Survivingstephell's picture

Oh this is good.  Putting in facts and truth are very important if this will be "the last word ".   Even a few stories about how difficult marriage was to BM. What does he have to lose?   But the ending has to be how fine DW is and have a great life.  That is brilliant.  

FWSM1964's picture

He did try to get his point across a couple of times within the last few years, but his children would not listen.

With my children, I just gave them the facts of what their father was doing and that was enough for them to believe me. They had seen this behaviour themselves and understood.

His children (SS's and SD's) would not hear of it. However, this great life aspect is a good point to add in.

However, if truth be told, my SO would feel happier if he had wonderful relationships with all of his children. He is now thinking of moving miles away to get rid of this nonsense.

JRI's picture

I realize FWSM feels hurt by the exclusion, I would be, too.  BUT, the good news is she is off the hook for the wedding shower, wedding, reception, baby showers, visits to hospital to see baby, baby's birthdays, recitals, etc.   I'm in envy, especially since I had to endure BM at most of these events.

The other favorable slant is that this letter opens the door to communication, even if it's the final time.  DH has the chance to put his case honestly and clearly.  I'm positive that whatever spin BM puts on it, YSD will keep the letter and reread it multiple times in the future.  DH will have the time to think through and edit what he says, an opportunity we dont have face-to-face.

  

FWSM1964's picture

I appreciate your advice and perhaps my SO will use some of your wise words in his communication with YSD.

FWSM1964's picture

I feel the same way as you, but a lot of the other posters are saying that it's disrespectful for him to be invited without me. I told him that even if they did invite me, I would not attend because I would feel uncomfortable with BM throwing daggers at me. Also, I only would know three people at the wedding (my SO and his two sons), so it wouldn't be fun for me.

The problem here is that they were separated but living in the same home for about two years. During that time, BM was trying to kick my SO out, but because of financial difficulties and because he wanted to work it out, he stayed in the home.

He did not have any girlfriends during that time, but he went out a lot with his friends during the evening because of the tension in the household. Only when he moved out, did he start a relationship with a woman.

Regardless of the truth, during the time he was living in the home, BM constantly kept telliing their children that he was fooling around on her which was not the case.

Even after he had been living separately for 16 years, he still was villified to the children. He was painted as an abandoning carouser even though he visited the children every week and took them to church, to a restaurant, or to the park.

BM played the victim and the children pitied her. Finally, when he told his side of the story about four years ago, the children were not interested to hear it. His sons still forgave him regardless of the narrative and his daughters still did not forgive him regardless of the narrative. BM had poisoned their minds to such an extent that they feel any woman (besides their mother) who is involved with him is "dirty".

My SO thought that his daughters would accept the situation better if he got a divorce and sold the house. No dice. My SO thought that once OSD became a mother herself, she would be excited to allow him to come visit his first grandchild. No dice. However, BM is travelling within the next week to visit her daughter, so perhaps OSD will allow him to see his grandchild now that BM has had a chance to meet her grandchild first.

I'm not sure what's going on and I'm glad that this drama is far-removed from me. It does hurt to be excluded but luckily I have four loving children who adore my SO and who treat us respectfully.

Winterglow's picture

I don't understand. He continued to use the family home because he couldn't afford to get a place of his own yet he could afford to go out with friends most nights? I would have made moving out my priority rather than live with someone who was trying to get rid of me. 

FWSM1964's picture

I think he really stayed because he wanted to be close to his kids and possibly keep trying to work on the relationship. This was at the point when he yet again discovered another "secret credit card" which his ex had maxxed out, ruining both their credit ratings as it was set up as a joint account.

Winterglow's picture

If he had decided to make a clean break of it and gone for a divorce in the very beginning, he might have been able to avoid some of the credit card issues ...

FWSM1964's picture

He would not have any children if the credit card issues were addressed when they arose! Lol!

Winterglow's picture

But if these issues were already happening when they were newlyweds, it's kind of hard to believe that all those years later she was still using credit and he didn't notice. By the way, I meant when he decided his marriage was over, I didn't realise she'd been doing this throughout their marriage. 

Smile

FWSM1964's picture

I guess he believed her each time when she said she wouldn't obtain a secret credit card again.

ndc's picture

It doesn't matter that posters think it's disrespectful.  If YOU can live with it, and would prefer not to go to the wedding anyway, then that level of disrespect (and frankly, the disrespect seems to be more for your SO than you personally) is tolerable. There's no need to draw your line in the sand where others think it should be. 

Movingonisbest's picture

True ndc, but if it doesn't bother her in some  major way, then she wouldn't be making posts about it. To be honest, attending a wedding or not with her significant other isn't even the most significant issue. This man's lack of character is. He doesn't appear to care for or love her, otherwise why bring toxicity into her life. She said she was with a narcissist before. This so called man seems quite narcissistic. Does he take accountability for anything?? If so what??? He has her looking like a whole fool, trying to rationalize his poor behavior and the pain he has caused others. She stands by him strong and firm, and when things don't go his way he goes to stay at his son's house?? These two aren't even married. She has tolerated bs, and something tells me the moment she pushes back he will be gone. Like I said before 6 years is a long time to be with someone and not be married if that is truly what she desires. He has a pattern of 3+ year relationships and no marriage. Does she really think she is going to be any different?  I asked if they were even engaged. She didn't respond. If they are engaged, is there a wedding date planned?  Something tells me there isn't. 

She has adult sons, but what is she teaching them?? It's ok to shack up for 6+ years with a woman they have no intention of marrying? It's ok to disrespect a woman you supposedly love? She should remain in counseling until she gets to the root cause of why she doesn't think she deserves to be loved appropriately by a man.

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

This is lovely- not the BM and drama but the way you have refocused yourself on where it counts. It took me many years to realize I am better than this and to step out of the crappy life existence as a stepparent. I too focus on so many others in my life. It makes a difference. I had a harsh reality/thought - I realized that it is very unlikely that one of my adult SS would be respectful at my death. In fact I am unsure he'd even show for it. When I got to thinking about all of this I realized I don't want that kind of behavior and treatment in my life. So I have conveninetly taken myself out of the equation and I don't leave it for DH to decide anything on the matter. It's up to me. It's been freeing and it is sometimes lonely but it is getting better. 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Yep. Get behind the driver's seat and don't look back. This is your life. You're not here at the mercy of their whims and decisions. Make your own call. 

FWSM1964's picture

Even though my SO felt that he was at the mercy of their whims sometimes, I do not feel this way.

Even if they wanted to meet me now, I wouldn't be interested.

Life is too short to not spend it with those that truly love you.

You understand and have been there yourself; thanks for the pep talk.

sandye21's picture

My advice:  Sit your DH down and tell him you are OK with the arrangement that SD had made.  You have no intention of being around people who do not love and respect you.  But you will not allow him to vent his frustrations on you.  Nor will condone an all night party with his ex.  Period.

Movingonisbest's picture

Your significant other may very well have cheated on his wife. I really don't believe he is being completely honest. Besides do you really believe he would tell you he was a serial cheater? If he was as involved with his kids as you claim, then why does he carry so much guilt? He seems very immature, cowardly, and likes to dodge accountability.

Am I  the only one that noticed that the ysd didn't mention anything about her dad spending time with her growing up, being a wonderful dad, etc before or after giving the reason original poster wasn't invited to the wedding or why she doesn't want to meet her? YSD didn't even end by saying she loved him. It doesn't sound like they really ever had a close relationship. Personally I think he is being dishonest with the original poster as far as the role he played in the demise of his marriage and relationship with his kids.

He  also had a relationship for 3 years, one for 6 years, and now one with original poster for 6 years; none of which resulted in marriage? He sounds like a man who is just into wasting women's time. 6 years is a long time to be with a man without marriage, unless of course you don't desire to be married. Are you two even engaged?

He is now angry at me and plans to sleep over at OSS's house tonight. I'm not sure how much longer we are going to last.

Sounds like this relationship has run its course and he is looking for an easy way out. Don't let any man waste precious years of your life. Time is something you will never get back. 

StepUltimate's picture

"Don't let any man waste precious years of your life. Time is something you will never get back."

Bears repeating. Ask me how I know... Biggrin

Movingonisbest's picture

Stepultimate, you are hilarious!  The important thing is that you eventually moved on. At least he isn't still contacting you Ike my ex. does me. Guess he can't accept that there are women like me who will NEVER be apart of stephell, who will cut him off, and who will never look back. Lol

StepUltimate's picture

My story has different skid ages & dynamics, but same underlying principles. In Fall 2018 I thought my marriage was home-free & the difficult years over...

...but I could not have been more wrong. I'm not bitter nor do I wish you the same outcome, but I do see the same underlying principles in your scenario. I owe the ST community a debt of gratitude for the compassion, support, wisdom, and doses of reality, which has led to my ultimate freedom. 

Kaylee's picture

Yeah, I've been thinking about this and tend to agree with the post by Movingonisbest.

OP said that her partner and his ex were separated but lived in the same house for 2 years? And that because of the tension he went out nearly every evening with friends?

Ok, even if it was just with friends, that still means that he was out a lot and not really being a hands on Dad looking after/caring for the kids who were still quite young? So a lot of the care was left up to the BM? I'm just playing devils advocate here.

I had close friends who were in a similar situation - they separated but stayed in the same house for about three years, for financial reasons and also because they both wanted to be near their young children. Certainly, although it was a difficult situation, neither of them went out every evening or a lot, with friends. They both shared the hands on parenting role.

OP, maybe ask your partner to examine his actions and lifestyle back then and since, and ask for complete honesty from him. Sometimes people lie, or have difficulty accepting accountability, and blame others.

I'm not having a go at you, believe me. I think you need to step back and take a good look at the whole situation through a new lens.

FWSM1964's picture

I need to clarify.

First of all, from how I described the situation, it may sound that my partner went out every night but that's not the case. Only on Friday and Saturday nights after his younger two children went to sleep.

My point is that going out on the weekend with male friends to watch sports and drink beer is not the same thing as having a girlfriend on the side, the latter of which BM repeated to the children.

During the weekend days and weekday evenings, he was with his children. His ex went out 3-4 times a week as well on weekday evenings to her clubs or out-of-control shopping. While I forgot to mention this earlier, I am mentioning it now so that a balanced view is presented.

Both spent equal time with their children; possibly my partner spending more time with them than his ex.

Badmama's picture

But it sounds like she has an insubstantial relationship with him, and baggage whether based on reality or not surrounding his relationship to women, and this big drama with the mom. It's her wedding and there isn't payoff here for her - she invites you and you by your admission won't go. But if you did it would create upset with her mom and awkwardness with no real positive. It sounds like he's had other women come and go and the kid doesn't sound mean just disengaged, which I agree is probably a bet positive.

 

Your plan is the right one - do your thing and he will do this. It just is what it is, there's no real solution.

FWSM1964's picture

But the rejection I feel from his disengaged daughters still hurts.

Movingonisbest's picture

Then find a man who doesn't come with this type of baggage. You do realize you have a choice don't you? FWSM1964, you really have to learn to love yourself and guard your heart. 

I left my ex over the baggage he hid from me. He knew he had hurt alot of people, his kids were damaged, dependent, lazy, and just as toxic as he was. He actually thought he was going to trick me into accepting that. Instead I dumped him and it was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life. I wasn't being apart of the mess he created long before I even met him. The ridiculous part is despite not seeing him, talking to him, or even reading his messages in 2+ years he still contacts me. Smh. 

Don't let a toxic person set a standard for your life. 

 

Stepdrama2020's picture

You have a coward of a DH. He is blaming you for this? SD has every right to feel as she does, as skewed as it is. So do you.  If it was the other way around, you excluding SD for reasons that had nothing to do with her, would he start blaming SD? No he wouldnt.

Men like this will never truly bring peace to his wife. He cant. He is worried to lose his shitty kids, he isnt worried about losing you. You cannot change him, but you can change how you spend the rest of your life. If you believe that a husband should stand by his wife first and formost then this DH is not for you.

 

FWSM1964's picture

I might as well flip a coin to see if I stay in my relationship or leave it.

I am torn between wanting to stay with him (as the majority of our time isn't spent fretting about SDs) and letting him go because of the disrespect he is letting his bratty SDs show me (and have shown me over the past six years).

However, they are adults (albeit poisoned by BM) and have their own minds, so nothing I can do. So I am thinking of staying with him.

However, I blame my SO for not handling the situation properly from the outset, so he has lost respect in my eyes, so want to leave the relationship.

He has to be worried about losing his kids as they are his flesh and blood. I am not. I am just a woman he is temporarily involved with, not his flesh and blood.

sandye21's picture

"I am torn between wanting to stay with him (as the majority of our time isn't spent fretting about SDs) and letting him go because of the disrespect he is letting his bratty SDs show me"  It's not only that he is allowing SDs to disrespect you, HE disrespects you.  Counselling (by yourself) will help tremendously with your decision to stay or go..

Winterglow's picture

I think what worries me is that the OP has already mentioned that she is losing respect for him (apologies to OP if it wasn't her). It's very hard to come back from that point.

ndc's picture

If you would describe yourself as a woman he is temporarily involved with, and view yourself as less than his "flesh and blood," I'd say it's time to leave - he's not worth it.

FWSM1964's picture

The reason I say "temporarily involved" is because who can predict the future. It's easy enough to split up from a partner, but one's child is for life. 

Luckily, my children and I have a very close bond. It wasn't always this way, but it is now. Part of it started when they saw how well my partner was treating me around the time when they met him. My NEX never treated me so well. Then, they got to know my SO and really care about (dare I say, love) him for himself. They even say he is a better role model than my NEX, their BF. We are all on the same page and strive for the betterment of all family members. This is not lost on my SO and is bittersweet for him.

The problem occurs when the SK's and the BF/SM do not have the same goals, eg. to both have good relationships with the BF/SO and to accept one another. However, regardless of how his children treat him, they have been his since birth and will be so for the rest of his life. One cannot say the same for a partner.

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

You won't like this, OP, but his daughters HAVE forgiven him. They just don't want a relationship with him, and by extension, anyone he is associated with. At least not a close relationship where they can rely on him. I also don't see them as being bratty. They're just not interested in a relationship with him or you. Bratty would come into play if they met you, pretended to Daddy that they liked you, then disrespected you by not including you or saying snarky things. Instead, they're not even opening up the opportunity to be brats to you; they're just shutting it down entirely (which I find to be more mature than trying to fake it).

I'm not giving BM a pass on telling the kids your SO was cheating. However, by his own admission, he was gone a lot. Kids see that, and they internalize that. Not sure how your SO was trying to fix his marriage when 1) BM wasn't participating, 2) he wasn't around, and 3) what made his finally leave the house and stop pursing BM was another woman. That sounds icky, and I can't blame BM for feeling some type of way about it, including feeling like he was cheating (or using her, or taking her for a ride - he can't both be trying to woo her while also going out every night with friends when one night it ends with him getting a GF and finally moving out).

The kids likely noticed, and while his sons understand that it was rough and maybe BM wasn't totally honest, his daughters see it very differently. Especially OSD, who likely became a mother and realized she could be in a position of kicking out her DH just for him to stick around for a place to stay while leaving her with the kids so he could go out every night.

He has forgiveness from his kids. What he doesn't have is an equal relationship like BM, and it partly sounds like it's his fault. I don't want to take away that PAS likely happened to some extent, but part of this is also a narrative your SO helped create. And it doesn't sound like your SO has matured a lot if his response to his grown daughter setting boundaries with him is to punish you. She has given both you and him a gift - a very clear line that she won't cross and asks that you two not push. You're accepting of that now that you know it's not personal, but he's not. That will just damage his relationship with his kids more.

Finally, if currency and "special visits" is how your SO showed loved to his kids in the past, that's all the more they'll expect from him now. Perhaps you left out information for brevity, but it sounds like your SO only visited his kids when he could take them somewhere. Perhaps that was BM's doing, but that's the relationship he built with them, as the "fun dad who buys things". That's going to continue into adulthood. He'll continue to be the "fun dad who buys things" because that is the expectation that was set. That's how he showed love. He can take it away, but it sounds like his daughters don't want "real dad". They just want "fun dad". And if he doesn't want to just be "fun dad" anymore then he needs to set his own boundaries.