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X-wife creating problems in my marriage

Concerned's picture

My husbands X-wife (of many years) has been contacting my husband a lot about their 30 year old son. The last message she asked him to keep secret from me. Since then we have been arguing. I don’t believe it’s right for her to ask him to keep things private from me. He said she is his mother and he is his father and it is no concern of mine?? Really? First this is not a child, he is an adult. I don’t think she should be contacting him at all anymore unless it’s an emergency, and still then I think that should be communicated through the adult children. He wants to know everything about my adult children but his is secret? Thoughts?

ESMOD's picture

While I don't believe your husband should be keeping contact with his EX wife a secret, neither do I believe you have a right to ask your husband to break a confidence to his son/exwife (relating to the son). 

What you DO have a right to know are things that will impact you, your household, your finances etc..

For example, perhaps son is struggling with sexuality.. or transgender... he has a right to "come out" to people on his own terms.  If he is struggling with addiction.. or having personal problems in his own relationship.  These are things that his parents may be trying to support him through.. but if you are not part of his "support network".. and he doesn't want you to know that he is headed for divorce.. it really isn't your husband's place to share his son's secrets.

But, you have a right to know whether your husband is sending him significant portions of money.. you have a right to know if he is meeting up with ex and son on a regular basis. 

At the base of is, your relationship with your husband should be strong enough that you can trust that he will respect your relationship and not do anything disloyal to it.  Just like my husband and I trust each other to act in the best interest of our relationship.. even though we live and work half a country away from each other.  If one of my SD's was dealing with an issue, I would hope that I could be involved and help them.. but if they didn't want me to know.. I don't think my DH needs to share their private info with me.. as long as he isn't hiding things that involve me.

Concerned's picture

I guess I partially see your point. I just don’t agree with his X contacting him. Although, it’s nothing as serious as you mentioned. She coddles the son and he has never grown up. Very frustrating situation.

Thank you for responding.

ESMOD's picture

If this has been an ongoing issue in your relationship, and the reasons (that you have found out about)... have turned out to be minor in nature... I would probably be annoyed too.

Yes, they are still his parents but not everything in that boy's "adult" life needs to be managed, overseen and discussed TOGETHER by his parents.

It sounds a bit like helicopter parenting that never got cut off.. but I could be wrong.

I might tell your husband that:

"I am not asking you to discuss your son or his life with me.  However, as he is an adult, I would expect that issues surrounding his life do not need to be discussed between you and your ex-wife.  The fact that she still continues to contact you about your son when there is no driving underlying need for her to do that.. is disrespectful to our relationship.  Look, I don't mind you having an interest in your son's life.  I don't mind you wanting to support him through rough patches.. but at this point, he is an adult and there is zero need for you and his mother to discuss these issues between you two parents.  Now, if we were talking a life threatening or addiction issue, I could see that there might be a time when you and your EX wife might want to work together to help your son, but to date, it seems to be an artificial means to maintain contact with an EX.. and doesn't seem to be productively helping your son in any way."

sandye21's picture

If there were circumstances such as a death or illness in SD's life I would not object to BM contacting DH.  It must be an emergency.  If it ISN'T an emergency SD is an adult who has the ability to communicate with DH on her own.  I like the way you worded your 'response'.  It is the responsibility of DH to recognize his part in perpetuating conversations with BM.

Harry's picture

is enjoying playing this game with his EX.  It’s really not about there son. It’s about they are talking together for no good reason. Except they want to talk with each other.  This has to stop

tog redux's picture

Why do you object to them speaking? Do you not trust him? Does it take away from your time together?

Just wondering - I guess I wouldn't care if BM and DH wanted to talk if it didn't really affect me in any way.

Concerned's picture

They got divorced for a reason many, many years ago and haven’t had any type of relationship. She has no place in our lives. I suppose if she didn’t hide it from her husband I wouldn’t see it as much of an issue. 

tog redux's picture

Well, but they do share a child, so she does have some place in his life.  My DH has a very difficult ex, and they don't talk at all - but if she did call him, I could count on him to be appropriate with her, is this not the case with your DH?

 

sandye21's picture

I have a hard time believing you are a SM.  So how would you feel if your DH was continuously communicating with an ex-girlfriend?  Be honest.

tog redux's picture

Me? I am totally an SM. And if my DH was talking to his ex about his son, I would not have an issue with it, as long as it was about their son, and not romantic or inappropriate.  Why would YOU have a problem with your BF/DH talking to the other parent of his kid?
 

sandye21's picture

Oh yes, the old 'put a person on the offensive' move - again.  Seems to be a habit with anyone who posts.  As I wrote, I wouldn't have a problem with my DH speaking with his ex if it were an emergency.  Again - So how would you feel if your DH was continuously communicating with an ex-girlfriend?  Be honest.

tog redux's picture

If it was about his son, I would not have a problem with it. 

I'm not trying to put you on the defensive, in fact, YOU are the one who tried to put ME on the defensive.  I am not the jealous type. I trust that if my DH is speaking to BM, it's necessary.  I know he dislikes her and would not speak to her if not necessary.  I also know that he would not entertain her nonsense, or keep her secrets, so I don't worry about whether they talk or not.

So again, why would you have a problem with your BF/SO talking to the other parent of his child?

I just don't understand why the OP feels BM is "causing problems" in their marriage.  If she can't trust her DH to be honest with her in regard to BM, then HE is the one causing problems in their marriage, not BM. 

sandye21's picture

"why would you have a problem with your BF/SO talking to the other parent of his child?"

My answer - again:  "I wouldn't have a problem with my DH speaking with his ex if it were an emergency."  Clearly, the OP's problem isn't trust in her DH.  Read the original message.

tog redux's picture

But it is lack of trust in DH. She's saying that BM asked him to keep their discussion secret and he did.  So he's the problem.

If BM here asked my DH to keep something secret from me, he would tell me straight away. Which is why I don't care how much he talks to her. I trust that he would only talk to her if necessary, he doesn't want anything to do with her, and he wouldn't keep secrets from me.

If you are afraid of your DH talking to BM - it's HIM you don't trust.  Otherwise, who cares who he speaks to?  I don't care who he talks to because I trust him.

sandye21's picture

"If you are afraid of your DH talking to BM - it's HIM you don't trust."  This has nothing to do with trust.  It's about respect.  You are making asumptions which you have not right to do.

SMto2's picture

This does not sit well with me, nor does it sound right, especially as you said he wants to know everything about YOUR adult children?! First, I don't think the BM should be contacting him at that age unless it's about something VERY serious involving the SK. Second, if it's THAT serious that SK's dad needs to be involved, then YES, as your DH's spouse, you should know what it is as well. That's like with my own BM. If she's having a serious problem, I share that with my DH, who is unrelated to her, since DH and I are a TEAM--what affects one affects the other and we handle all serious problems TOGETHER. And we have no "secrets" between us. BTW, my SKs are now 23 and 25, and BM has contacted DH several times since CS ended asking for $ for one of them, and each time, DH has told her to have the SK contact him DIRECTLY. I'd love for him to tell her never to contact him again, but he feels his way is less likely to cause SKs to get angry with him. Either way, he's putting her off, and that's fine with me. If he EVER told me BM told him not to tell me something, REGARDLESS of who or what it was about, and he agreed to it, I'm afraid our marriage would be over. 

Concerned's picture

This is EXACTLY how I feel. We are a team and he hurt me. He is a good man and he means well. Thank you for responding, I’m glad someone understands how I feel.

I appreciate everyone’s thoughts and respect everyone’s opinions.

ESMOD's picture

I believe in trust and openness between spouses.. but I also do have a bit of carve out for his son's right to privacy as well.  His son doesn't have to feel that "everyone" knows his business.. like whether he is getting fired.. going to court.. getting divorced etc..  These things aren't necessarily emergencies but they could be embarassing to the guy.. and he may prefer if people don't share with others.

What is the red flag here is that the EXW's SO doesn't know these contacts happen.  Look.. both of the bio parents should be able to tell their spouses.

" Yes, I am talking with my EX about a sensitive issue involving the son we share.  Unfortunately, out of respect for son's privacy, I can't share with you what is happening with him.  But.. I promise that if or when his issue comes to a point where it is going to effect us, our finances or our home.. I will be sure to make sure that you are in the loop on that.  Thank you for being understanding.  Obviously, I don't have any interest in talking with my EX outside of issues that involve my son"

piegirl's picture

As far as I am concerned, BM and DH would only need to communicate with non emergencies if the skid was a child. As they are adults they make their own decisions, have their own lives etc. I wouldn't be happy if my DH's ex just started calling out of the blue to discuss adult skids, of course as others have said it was an emergency. However, there should NEVER be secrets between you two, you are a couple, you're married and he needs to repsect that. If it is anything aside from an emergency, skid should be speaking to DH himself. I would not be happy with what you are having to go through. Don't put up with it.

momofoneboy's picture

You have a right to be upset. First of all, this is an adult we are talking about correct? So, why is ex making a big deal about keeping things a secret and contacting the husband on "adult sons" behalf like he is 10? Its weird. You should be involved and you should know whats going on. I have had many secrets over the years and eventually the secret surfaces and guess what? The you know what hits the fan. 

Why the big secret? I would think its either money or some kind of legal drama and that would not sit well with me. Typically when my husband made something a secret it was because he was enabling his adult children with money or bailing them out of some drama. The ex would get involved and pester my husband (guilt trips). All it did was add a lot of stress to our marriage.

I understand the need for some kind of relationship with adult son and maybe the ex but it should all be out in the open with the new wife, your husband should not keep things private with you, especially if the private matter has to do with funneling money over to drama as it directly affects you and your marriage.

Rags's picture

Nope.  Secrets kept from a spouse at the request of an X can't happen. Or at the request of a kid for that matter.

I have kept only one thing from my wife at the request of our son (my SS-27 adopted at his request when he was 22) .  Though I did keep that confidence I regret that it required me to keep something from my bride.

It did not make a difference overall that I kept that  confidence as he ended up confiding to his mom ... and I five years later.

Spouses are equity life partners and those partners to not keep secrets from each other at the request of anyone and for damned sure an X is at the top of that list.  Yes, bioparents should do what is best for their kids. But those kids are also SKids to spouses and the priority of a spouse and marriage is sacrosanct and for damned sure trumps anything related to an X.

Period.

There is no "except" clause in marriage vows to love, honor and cherish.

 

sandye21's picture

"I think perhaps respect has a different meaning in step life than it does for the population at large."  True.  It does.  But the dynamics of the 'population at large' is changing.  You are not divorced but I honestly think you would have a different view on this subject if you were.  I am sure that most of the 'population at large' would not mind their spouse having a conversation with an old flame provided it wasn't intimate or unnecessary.  An Ex who calls her DH up about non-emergency subjects is unnecessary.

Monkeysee's picture

I see very few reasons the divorced parents of a 30 year old would need to speak about their child. What’s happening in his life that the parents need to discuss with one another instead of discussing with their child? Also, if the ‘child’ wants to keep it private, why is that not coming from him directly?

Trust is not the only important factor in a relationship, respect is just as important. Why the need to speak to BM at all? Unless their kid is horribly sick or going through a life changing event, I don’t see why the parents need to discuss it. Their kid is well past the age where they can discuss with their parents individually.

To me this isn’t a matter of trusting your husband but him respecting you as his wife. I don’t think he needs to share his sons secrets with you, but that, again, should be coming from his son. Not his son’s mother. I wouldn’t be ok with this.

Siemprematahari's picture

Preach!!!

MissTexas's picture

This is a problem for many who refer to adults as "children." It alone implies these "adults" (at least by their age anyway) are to solve their own problems and fly the nest. To me, this sounds like an excuse for the BM (bowel  movement? LOL) to insert herself into the relationship.

My DH and BM have been divorced for decades (over 35 years), and all of a sudden she tried inserting herself into our marriage, by sending my DH a private birthday email. Mind you, she could've accessed him on one of the social media pages, but she elected to send this email:"Good Morning_____. Today is your birthday, and I've always paused to remember that and reflect on "us" on this very special day. Your father was an amazing man who lived well into his old age, and I know you will too. I just wanted to let you know you're on my mind and in my heart today and always. Please don't mention this to DW, as we have had a long history, and I just don't think she would understand what we have."

Now let's carefully think this through. 1.) It didn't involve a "child." I'm sorry if I'm comment bombing your original message, this is not my intent, but rather BM's contacting DH's privately. 2.) She had no right to contact my husband privately, and for her own seemingly manipulative and self-serving reasons. 3.) This has nothing to do with me being insecure, worried, etc. (I'm 20+ years younger than her, and DH has told me it was his choice to leave her, as she was a slob who never cleaned house/laundry/or knew how to cook in all those years), and has assured me she was one of his greatest mistakes, and unfortunately he had his kids with her,whom he, of course loves).

THe simple fact she is calling and specifically asking your DH to keep it between them is an attempt to triangulte your marriage. You must guard not only your heart, but also guard your marriage from ANY 3rd party intrusion to it, no matter who or what it is. If is smells like BS (BM, bowel movement) than it can be  nothing other than BS.

sandye21's picture

Well said, Texas.  "If is smells like BS (BM, bowel movement) than it can be  nothing other than BS."  DH needs to take ressponsibility for telling BM not to call unless there is an emergency with one of the children.

Rags's picture

My XILs used to send me a birthday card every year for more than ten years after the marriage to their daughter ended.  They would invite my, my wife and our kid to their family events, and tried repeatedly to get me back into the fold of their control.

It was strange to say the least.