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Feel like I'm going insane

Monami's picture

I feel like I'm going insane. My husband and I have been together for 2 years...We each have a child each from previous relationships. He a son 6. Me a daughter 4.

We have my daughter mon-fri and my ss 7 days per fortnight (he and his ex have 50/50 care) It has always been this way.
They divorced when my ss was 1 year old. She had an affair.
My husband went to work pt while his son was too young to go to school so he could be a stay at home Dad. He used to live closer to his ex but he rented and when the opportunity came up to buy a home he did. So now they live 45 mins away from each other.

Our school year runs Jan-Dec.
SS went to a pt kindy near his Dads house last year. 2 days per week. The agreement between ex and him was kindy near Dads house 2005, Preprimary near biomums house 2006 and then decide on a permenant school between them for 2007 that he would stay in until high school.

Sept 2005 (ss still in kindy) hubbie informs ex that he is moving to his new house. He asks ex not to pull ss out of school because it is in middle of them both. She refuses and enrols him in school near her for 2006. She agreed that if the travel was a problem for anyone she would change the schools. Well SS is travelling over 2 hours per day Mon, Tue,Wed(including peak hour traffic) and she refuses to change schools.

Her answer is to slap my husband with a court case demanding that he not be moved from the school near her and that she should have full time custody during the week.

SS has a step sister (my daughter) and they have grown incredibly close over the past two years. The ex wants us to have SS on weekends when we don't have my daughter (which she knows) so that they will never get to see one another.... They were both only children and now they have a sibling. It seems cruel to deny them their relationship.

She says that when she has this boy during the week, he will go into day care and that that is better for him than going to school with his step sister and playing with her before and after school.

The legal system says basically that because he is already in this school, the court will probably let him live with his Mum during the week.

I am so upset because he will lose his step sister and also that my husband actually changed his work to pt for several years so that he could be a stay at home dad and now he gets relegated to weekend Dad. She has always put him in daycare, even on days when she wasn't working.

If he stays wth us (which is our case) he will have weeks with his step sister, go to the same school as her, be within walking distance and see his Mum all weekend when she isn't working.

Her case is that he goes with her during the week. into day care from 7am to 5pm. Doesn't see his step sister anymore and only sees his Dad at weekends.

Inside I feel like I'm screaming inside. It doesn't seem fair...Seems like we try to be as accomodating as possible and we get screwed over for it.

Sorry for the rant

lovin-life's picture

That doesn't sound like 'the best interests of the child'...if you guys had a working 50/50 arrangement...that facilitated contact with extended family...and she wants to take him away from all that to be raised by strangers all day. The courts wouldn't allow that would doesn't make any sense??

Get a good lawyer....and I think I've seen family court case law web information from Australia....gather and study as much of it as you can...make sure you have all the loopsholes covered.

You haven't gone to court yet..right? All this so stressfull.... vent away!!!! Smile

happy's picture

They already agreed on 50/50 visititation.. My ex and I did that with our children as well, until school age, now he is a weekend dad but he is ok with this.. We live and 1 hour 1/2 from one another and with his business he never takes time off so being with me is the only option. I take care of my kids school, Dr.s appt's, and every extra carricular activity. Sorry if I cannot spell I am not totally awake.. Anyways.. It sounds to me that your husband has made every initial effort to take full responsibility of his son and can prove that he worked pt to be a full time father.. I think you need a good lawyer and fight her.. Also do you work? I am only asking because if you did not work or only worked while the kids were in school, like pt it could look to a judge that in this childs best interest is being with you guys because he will have a family instead of daycare.. My kids always had to be in daycare.. Now I can tell you that if there dad who works on his farm was close I would have let him watch them and picked them up in the evening.. Even though I think he is a pompus ass.. he is still there dad and very important to them so I choose to be a very civil person for what is best for my children.. I guess I do not understand why she would not want her son to be close with his step sister.. Which the way I was raised is his sister.. I think it is awesome that two only children are now blended into one family.. Most only children are very lonely from what my mom has told me she is an only child and she said it was so lonely at times.. She went on to have 5 of us.. Crazy lady I think.. Anyways.. I wish you luck...

Monami's picture

Thanks so much for your replies.... I'm sitting here crying. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me.
Happy...I do stay at home full time I didn't add it in because I'm not sure that the courts want to know about me...more like what time SS Dad can spend with him. SS does call my daughter his sister. He asked to and we allowed it.
Lovin' life..thankyou for your kind words....We do have a lawyer...they seem pretty good...but you're right this whole situation is so stressful..

But because you both have taken the time to reply and read a complicated case....I feel a lot better this morning!!!!


happy's picture

I am sorry to say but I think a judge should look at the whole picture.. Not just the bio parents.. In this case.. Each case is different. But you are just as important to his child as he is to your child. Yes they both have natural parents but its not about that. Its about what is in the "best interest of this son".. You stay at home.. What is better for a child.. Going to daycare where he has to get know everyone and all his surroundings. Or staying at Dad's where he has his own things and noone has to worry if he is being well taken care of. I would think it would be where he is comfortable and taken care of. I may be wrong..
I think you and your husband should fight her.. Its in the best interest of your son.. He is yours if you love him and care for him as much as you say.. Then he is your son. Give your support and love to them kids and your husband. The battle if you choose to will be long hard and trying but again.. I believe you are a strong person who is very loyal to yours, his and your commitment to your marriage. Hugs to you today..

lovin-life's picture

The courts do want to hear about you!

I was very surprised that my financial situation was the main factor that ended my hubby's spousal support payments to his X. (so said the judge) I think that ALL of the evidence presented played a big role but the judge focused on this particular thing because it was the easiest to quote because there was legal precedence for it....and it was the "cleanist" way to present one of the "changes in circumstance" requirement neccessary to vary a court order.

We only even mentioned my financial situation, in my (or his?) affidavit to address an allegation she had previously made regarding me.....

Never thought it was relevant because..there was no order for ME to pay her. It was his legal responsibility. Not mine!

So absolutely!! Mentioned everything....!! You will be a caregiver and provide support to his father in caring for him.

Monami's picture

HI everyone,

thanks for your support...I'm really sorry to let you all know that we returned from our lawyers yesterday with pretty devestating (for us) news.

As Australian Law stands...we have no case to fight because we cannot get a hearing before next year. The problem we have run into is called status quo. Because they won't hear the case....his "normal " situation then becomes him attending the school.

Apparently the school takes precidence over the time spent with Dad and his relationship with his step sister.

I don't even know how to tell the children they will be separated.

I don't know how to console my husband who has is about to lose the son whom he has raised for 4.5years....

I don't know how this is fair.

lovin-life's picture

Isn't the status quo 50/50....

I don't want to give you false hope if none exists but can you get a second legal opinion. I say this only because of our experiences with the legal system....
Hubby's 1st lawyer was horrible and we had no idea about the process, as we learned more...we discovered just how inept this man was and fired him, but not before damage was done. We complained to his 'boss' and we were not charged 1 penny in legal fees for the situation he stuck my BF in.

Hubby's 2nd lawyer was top dog, very smart, very nice polite style, but he knows his stuff. He said we were stuck with what the 1st lawyer got us because it was 'an interum order' and courts rarely change interim orders until trial and began moving towards that. Very smart man! Very Sound advice!

However his x did everything she could to 'delay' matters becasue as long as she kept 'the status quo' and kept a judge from seeing the evidence...she collected a big fat check every month...based on lies and our solicitor 'bozo the clown'. That was not fair! and I just couldn't accept that!

WE on our own..proceded with a 'variation hearing' and reversed the interim order..which almost never happens. Our lawyer advised us of our odds, but also suggested that the courts would have more leniency with us as non-lawyer as far as introducing evidence, etc. and gave us some basic direction..but we put it together right up until the last minute..then we called him in to present it. AND WON!!!

I re-search case law extensively....and as long as there is a precidence in law somewhere...the judge can follow it, although it may not follow the 'usual trend'....and they don't like to stray to far from the 'excetped norm'..

Her behaviour was so atrocious...and the means by which she got the orignal was so shady..they allowed for the variation.

Custody cases are different...and really are heartbreaking. And like most have said here, the mothers do tend to win.

I'm just saying, it doesn't hurt to get a second opinion. Or at least look into establishing liberal interim 'status quo' visitation..before that is affected also.....


BF's X got her interim hearing within 6 weeks from filing her paperwork to appearing before the judge. And that became the status quo for 2 years!! Could work for or against you...