You are here

Am I insignificant?

Monami's picture

I've been doing a lot of reaserching in regards to step parenting in general. I did alot before we got married but now I've been surfing the internet trying to find help in coping with step families...

And I feel like some sort of second class citizen!! I've read so many articles by people saying that I need to stay in the background of my own family...that my feelings and any children I have with my husband are never going to be as significant as his biological child from a previous marriage. Surely any children will have a significant relationship with their father?

It seems like whatever I do...I'm going to screw my ss life up....According to several step associations

I shouldn't discipline
I should constantly ask him how he's feeling and take any rebuff as his proof that I'm not doing the right thing.
I should not be involved with any issues with the ex...even if I am directly affected by a decision that needs to be made.
I should look on my second marriage as a second class relationship because it's selfish.
ONe site even has a letter from a step child who has grown up, who says that no divorced parent should marry until the child/ren has grown up and no longer need them. Until then the bio parents need to keep the child as the SOLE focus of their lives...this site seems to endorse this.
I've read other postings on other sites of women who are struggling in their relationships with their skids and they are attacked for being heartless and selfish.

What if I ever struggle??

I feel so blue right now?

Is there any balanced sites out there?

I understand that I need to tread carefully in a delicate situation (ie step family) but will I need to live in the background???

Nise's picture

I shouldn't discipline – YES YOU CAN REPRIMAND ANY CHILD THAT IS IN YOUR CARE…EVEN A BABYSITTER IS ALLOWED TO GIVE TIME OUT!
I should constantly ask him how he's feeling and take any rebuff as his proof that I'm not doing the right thing – THIS IS PURE BS! KIDS…STEP OR NOT GO THROUGH MOOD SWINGS…ITS CALLED HORMONES!
I should not be involved with any issues with the ex...even if I am directly affected by a decision that needs to be made. – YOU MUST BE INVOLVED FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR MARRIAGE…YOU CAN DO IT DIRECTLY (MORE DRAMA) OR INDIRECTLY THROUGH YOUR HUSBAND…BUT IF IT EFFECTS YOUR HOUSE…YOU DO HAVE A SAY!
I should look on my second marriage as a second class relationship because it's selfish. – AGAIN…PURE BS!
One site even has a letter from a step child who has grown up, who says that no divorced parent should marry until the child/ren has grown up and no longer need them. Until then the bio parents need to keep the child as the SOLE focus of their lives...this site seems to endorse this. – IF WEB SITES COULD BE BURNED…I’D PUT THIS ONE ON THE LIST FOR GIVING BAD ADVICE! I have step parents and step children…a child is NEVER a SOLE FOCUS of a marriage…the COUPLE is always the SOLE FOCUS and when it is functioning well, the household will follow suit…even in a non-step situation…putting children first is a recipe for DISASTER!

I think this site is the most balanced one i've seen...you will struggle...anything worth having is HARD WORK and I always try to remind myself that first marriages are not “perfect” and traditional families are not problem free…even though we view it as the “ideal type”. If traditional families were perfect, there would be no such thing as a stepfamily!!!

Make a GREAT Day!

hopeful's picture

Great comments.

I do agree as well about your comment that the couple should be the primary focus of the relationship....happy couple = happy family. When people (like us) lose sight of the couple relationship and start focusing on our own children, pretty soon the kids are grown up and moved on their own and the relationship is gone too.

Well said, Nise!

Nise's picture

I just think it is sad that there are people who call themselves qualified or professionals who give this type of information. You are exactly right, the kids will have their own lives one day and if we sacrifice our marriages for their happiness…the WORST part of that is that the parent believes the child “owes” them something in adulthood… “I ALWAYS put you first” or even if they don’t say it the subconsciously think “I gave up my marriage/happiness to make sure you were happy” and then that parent expects their ADULT child to do the same and put their husband/kids aside to please the parent and they become THE IN-LAWS FROM HELL!!!!…HORRIBLE CYCLE to get into and that is why the whole “put the kids first” crap is such bad advice!

Make a GREAT Day!

StressedSM's picture

I am at work and don't have time to right a lengthy e-mails, but the ladies above said it all. All of that is nonsense! Listen to Nise.

Lil's picture

No YOU ARE NOT INSIGNIFICANT! Focus on you marriage and relationship with your husband. That's what I started to do and things have been alot better. I doubt your insignificant to your husband or he wouldn't have married you. Hang in there, everyone has those days when their feeling down. And don't believe everything you read.

Candice's picture

I think Nise said it perfectly! You have no business putting your marriage on the back burner for any child. Your marriage comes first, and his children or all children involved for that matter, depend on you prioritizing your marriage first. You and your dh work together to provide a stable functioning home for all of the children involved, and they need a stable home.

The idea that parents wait until a child is an adult before they move on with their lives...that is classic Dr. Laura, and I don't always agree with her. I don't agree that you put your life on hold for a child. They are an addition to YOUR life. Divorce is challenging for children, but so is life. I don't agree that you punish yourself b/c you had a child, then you can't get married, or have additional children, until the oldest is an adult.

Every marriage, whether it's the first, second etc..or whether there are children, step or bio, involved, they all have challenges. Nothing is guaranteed. You just work on it the best you know how. And have faith in yourself that you deserve to have the best marriage/life with that person, regardless if they have children or not.

hopeful's picture

I really believe that putting your life on hold until children are grown sends a very clear and bad message to kids that their life is more important than yours and that you have no value. I think that by trying to make decisions, move on with your life inspite of challenges and striving to be happy provides an important example for kids about survival and thriving in the face of difficulty.

Infuriated's picture

Reading these blogs and comments from how couples put their relationships on hold for their skids/or biokids is wrong, I really agree. It's actually helping me cope right now with a situation I am in with my wife and adult 21yr old stepson. He moved back in about 2 months ago after breaking it off with his fiancee and they had a child. Long story short: Now it's like his problem has become everyones' problem as far as living situation, childcare, expenses, etc... And of course, me being the stepdad, my wife ALWAYS sides with her son!! I get no support, or back-up from her in this aspect. So, ultimately, at my expense, I'm tossed aside in this sitation like a dirty dishrag until he gets off his butt and moves out again. So whatever any couple does with their kids, PLEASE, secure the peace of your relationship/marriage, and do not enable your children to destroy them. It's worth everything and more. (I'm about a breath away from crying.)

happy's picture

I read this today and its very similar to my problem at the moment. And I am trying to fix it but without knowing the real underlying issue I was unable to fix it. But your post here made me realize something.
My ss is 21 and still lives at home which is now my home and he continues to have girls stay the night.. He got suspended from work for his behavior and he is just all out rude and disrespectful. SO when I read this it got me thinking.. My husband does not want to kick this boy out because he still feels guilty for his divorce from there mother. They were together when he was 18 and divorced at 35 so for 5 years they have been divorced.. He is scared of what is going to happen to him. But its not like this kid has not had the opportunity to change hes been this way for a long time.. 3 years I have dealt with this.. Essentially what my husband is failling to see is I am very unhappy with the situation which is making us argue and not talk and our kids notice (other ones) and its just an ugly mess. When a real simple solution would be your 21 you do not want to respect me, my wife, our house (not yours) and you are continually showing your immaturity by not following one simple rule. So you have had 3 years to change and you haven't you will always be welcome as a guest in our home but you may not live here anymore.
The reason him and I are not on the same page is because I do not feel guilty for my divorce. I am glad I got my divorce, not only for me but for my kids. I was so unhappy with there dad.. And we are both a lot happier now. SO the guilty conscience is essentially damaging this boy. And I am not the only one who see's him in this light.. Other family memebers do as well.. So I personally want to thank you.. I am taking a stand and putting my marriage up and above.. Because I did not marry to get a divorce.. I married for love and friendship.. So I am talking to him when I get home.. About everything.. Thank you for giving me the insight I needed to figure this out..

Anne 8102's picture

During a child support modification mediation with his ex, I actually had a judge tell me that my children didn't matter, that the "first family comes first." That did it! I told the judge, a female, by the way, to go ahead and put him in jail now, because you can't get blood from a stone. Until the court system in this country recognizes the needs of ALL the children in a given situation, this kind of attitude will prevail. And it's sad, really, because none of the kids asked for any of this, nor did us "second" wives.

~ Anne ~

skye22's picture

While filling out the modification sheet I noticed the section where you can add other dependents the father has. In small writing next to it it read something like 'only children born before this child can be considered while factoring the ratio' they ask you to list all dependents BUT any born after in a way don't matter as much... whatever!!

sheila's picture

Although i did read your entire post here, i am most impressed by the last paragraph. Bringing a child up in a hostile environment is, IMO, always detrimental. I am a product of that environment. My parents waited to divorce until i graduated from high school ( i am the youngest) as they thought that was better and/or the right thing to do. My mother put up with years of abuse and infidelities because it was the era where the women just stayed because it was their duty. She has told us, now that we are all adults, that had she known how frightened and miserable we were, she would have left him long before. But like I said. We were raised at a time when women just did not leave their husbands, no matter what. Thank God that has changed. The "non-traditional" family has now become the "traditional" family. More than 50% of marriages end in divorce and broken homes are becoming the "norm". I'm not saying that this is a good or bad thing, but at least we have choices. If the parents are miserable together, you can bet the kids are miserable too. Children learn what they live. And to be raised in a hostile environment is only continuing the cycle. That becomes the "norm" to them and they carry it out in their own lives. Divorce is never pretty and never easy. But either is living in fear and discomfort.

hopeful's picture

That is awesome Sheila and I totally agree. That is why my husband and I opted to live in separate homes until our kids were older and until we got some of this stuff sorted out. It has been awesome for us. I just know that living in constant chaos is not healthy!

Rags's picture

That you are even asking this question or feel as if you are a second class citizen in your marriage is clearly evidence that this is not the marriage you need to be in.

So, move on.  Take care of you.