Dishonesty in a Step-Relationship
I get it, a biokid-parent link gives the parent a degree of "rose-colored contact lenses" that keep the parent in a little more denial about shenanigans than a step-parent usually will see. I also get it that step-parents can be perceived as overly harsh (well, I say we may come across as the proverbial "Dutch Uncle") or something unbecoming, when really our perspectives are different - our setpoints for certain values may seem overly critical. When dishonesty occurs, I was raised with the NO-BUDGE ethics (military family) that said, "I will not tolerate lying, cheating, nor stealing; nor will I tolerate those who do." That's right, we didn't tolerate people who tolerated that crap - we'd tell them straight up that they were wrong to do so, out of protection of the family.
Not to hijack that thread, I hope to discuss one point. In thread:
https://www.steptalk.org/node/238214
I saw this:
"Went through a phase of taking things just because they were mine (blankets, hairbrush, foods etc) but we seem to have been able to put a stop to this recently."
Interesting... I've noticed my fiancée's son has had a tough time accepting me from day one. He's gotten better, I thought, but I wonder if it's more like he just took his emotions underground... But he'd take MY things without asking. Once, at 11 years old, he grabbed my car keys without asking, got into my car, and took my heavy duty spotlight so he could shine it around in the back yard one night while he had friends over. There was no need for such a powerful light, he just wanted to have something to show off, I guess.
Now, I may be old fashioned with the "if it's not yours, don't touch it unless you get the owner's permission ahead of time" social norm, but of the 43 Unites States of America and seven countries on three continents that I've been to, pretty much universally, taking something without asking is purt' close to STEALING. (am I right or wrong on that?) Anyway, for this incident, Fiancée said, "He didn't mean anything by it..." While I'm sure he wasn't TRYING to pi$$ me off, to me, that was flat-out disrespectful to me by violating my space and my property. She says I need to "lighten up" and "don't sweat the small stuff" and so on - and according to her, when he does stuff like this and I get upset, I'm the one with the problem. Like she's saying, "These aren't the 'droids you're looking for." I disagree with her on this. Fortunately, it's not frequent.
Over time, I've noticed a lot of toiletries (the expensive deodorant, zit cream, a travel spray of Calvin Klein Dark Obsession cologne, etc) and little things of mine "end up" in his bathroom or bedroom. BIG problem with socks - he wears socks and no shoes outside in the yard, on the driveway, up and down the street, etc... he ruins his socks FAST (she has told him SO MANY TIMES, "and he still won't listen," she says). One day, I saw he was wearing MY socks, and RUINING THEM. Fiancée said our socks look so much alike that she couldn't tell them apart. That was solved when I bought myself a six-pack of my own white socks and wrote my name in blue on them. I also bought myself a set of six PADDED black socks for my dress shoes, but couldn't put my name on them because they were dark. I wore maybe one or two pair, ever (usually wear boots to work).
Then he started wearing black athletic socks for baseball. He was trashing them as well, but my socks were still in my drawer, and life was OK. Christmas came, and I offered to buy him socks with the stipulation that he NEVER wore them outside without shoes. HE PROMISED. I said, "If you do, I won't buy you ANY more socks, EVER." He reiterated his promise. Within a month, he was breaking his promise. My promise kicked in, and I haven't bought him any socks and never will.
Or so I thought. Now all of my black padded socks are gone. Fiancée said she hasn't taken any socks from my drawer... so it seems he's stolen my socks as of the past several weeks, and I'm simmering over my "he STILL doesn't get it about respecting other peoples' property" thinking. To fiancée, I think she thinks that a pack of socks is no big deal, and I need to lighten up. To me, it's not SOCKS, but it's RESPECT. It's not *he needed them, and you weren't using them*, but *they weren't his, and he didn't even ask for ONE pair, but TOOK all SIX pair*. If it's *no big deal*, perhaps he can sashay up to the store and buy me some new ones WITH HIS OWN MONEY and bring them back with a proper apology? Maybe that's not gonna happen, but I want HIM to have the first crack at making it right WITHOUT her intervention. Maybe I'll buy more and bleach my name into them. Thoughts?
I don't know... Maybe she's right and I'm being too tough, but her permissive parenting style seems to be creating a kid who thinks we all will serve him at his beck and call. He's feeling VERY entitled, and I'm not at all happy with the prospect that I have to share the house with someone who doesn't respect my things or me and takes ZERO responsibility for anything, and isn't really being held accountable for anything. I love my fiancée, but dang... I'm afraid she's creating a menace, and I don't want to be part of that.
I had been doing great with the disengagement from him, and he seemed to get it - though I see my re-engagement was maybe a bit premature. So I'll be disengaging again - this time for a longer period.
All thoughts and comments welcome and appreciated.
I would absolutely not be ok
I would absolutely not be ok with this.
One - No one, not even my DH, has permission to take something of mine without asking first.
Two - Kid is going through your belongings. Do you think he's just opening the sock drawer and taking a pair. No. He's ransacking your belonging on the regular.
Three - Kid is a thief. Period. Just because he steals from "family" doesn't make it any less of a thief.
Four - Kid should not be in your room. Ever. He's not a toddler and I assume he has his own space.
Five - Sounds like you have a Disney Mom on your hands. No wonder the kid has no respect for your personal space and belongings. Neither does his mother.
My SS has been caught stealing snacks out of the kitchen lately. My DH agrees with me that it's STEALING. He's taking something that isn't his. We are planning on putting a keypad lock on our bedroom door and locking up our shit. I suggest you do the same.
I have Winona SD -now 18. She
I have Winona SD -now 18. She lacks respect also and just this past January was caught shoplifting. Stealing is a big deal! Taking something that is not yours and acting like it is yours is beyond disrespect, its a deceitful practice that if not punished with some kind of repercussions will progress, incrementally to being put in jail for stealing from an established business.
Winona was 17, and had a little money in her wallet, JC Pennys fined her just$250, but her parents paid it. There were no repercussions. She is also a pathological liar and denied stealing, even though she was caught ON CAMERA.
There of course, is more to my story, but you would have to read my blogs, for all the nuances.
Suffice it to say that it is not too late, if you are not married and do not have children together, it is not too late to get away. The lack of respect will get worse if mama is not cutting it off RIGHT NOW. YOU will be the bad guy.
The car keys thing to get the
The car keys thing to get the light, I get it - he could really not have meant anything by it, and probably did just want to show off - but I do agree that it is disrespectful to assume he can treat property that is not his, as his. He should have asked if you minded if he went to get it.
Coddled kids often have the mindset that if it belongs to mom/dad, it also belongs to them. Many parents also have the mindset that whatever they have, they will share with the kids.
Not so in my household... everything in my home is mine, unless it was specifically purchased for my child. If my kids want to borrow a shirt, they'd better ask. Same with toiletries - they have their own... they have their own bathroom... there's no reason for them to go into mine.
My bedroom and anything in it is off limits. As is the garage. Outdoor things for the kids are in the shed on the side of the house.
I think you might be a little passive aggressive with the name on the socks thing... I think you might have better results if you sat them both down and explained that you feel violated when he helps himself to something that is yours without having the basic courtesy to bother asking.
"I think you might be a
"I think you might be a little passive aggressive with the name on the socks thing... "
No, they all go into the wash together, and this is to make them obviously mine.
When I get upset, fiancée
When I get upset, fiancée says I'm being overly critical and expecting too much of her kids, and she doesn't want them having to walk on eggshells all the time (like she did w her own dad). To which I've been thinking that maybe her dad and I would have gotten along FAMOUSLY (he died years before, sadly).
I'm a really basic guy. I don't expect superkids, as I'm also flawed. But some damn self-respect in them would maybe yield some respect to the things they touch.
I tell ya... disengage w her son is a must. Disengage w fiancée is an option, but would be complicated.
Tell her she is expecting too
Tell her she is expecting too much of you. You are an adult with adult boundaries and she is asking you to revert to a state of infancy where privacy doesn't exit. No thanks.
I completely get it! My SD12
I completely get it! My SD12 helps herself to all my stuff without asking and then often trashes it or leaves it somewhere around the house so I have to go looking for it. My DH doesn't seem to think it's much of an issue but I find it SO disrespectful and it was not how I was raised.
That it happens is one hurt.
That it happens is one hurt. That the SO tells the victim, "Bah, you're being WAY overprotective of these things. And that's just it... it's STUFF. Just STUFF."
And I'm thinking, "MY stuff. MY personal space." And I'm thinking, "That you're defending this, I know you won't stop your kid from taking my things."
The thing is, she seems to actually not care about her kids taking her stuff. So it's not like she's telling me to be some way that she's not. But the only times I've ever seen anyone do it like she does, all their belongings were trashed or missing all the time. Well, come to think of it, that happens a lot with her stuff, too...
This is exactly the despair
This is exactly the despair of stepparents. Some little hellion makes it his/her special project to make you miserable is bad enough. That your partner not only fails to defend you but attacks your right to not be attacked breaks your heart like nothing else.
Java - I'm not military and I
Java - I'm not military and I was raised with the same principles, if it's not yours you do not take it, respect other people.
I do not even allow my own child in my bedroom since he could crawl... my bedroom is my space, your bedroom is your space, respect it. I never go into his room, we stand in the door and that's that.
Then I met SO and his snowflake, at the young age of 8, she was allowed to come into the master bedroom and take what ever she wanted, I blew my gasket a couple of times, she had the right to go through my stuff and take what ever she wanted, eventually I moved out. Later I found out she was not allowed in her parents bedroom when they where still together, I almost had a hart attack and I asked SO, why the hell do you think I should allow your daughter to take my stuff if she's not even allowed in her mother's bedroom and if she was raised with the same principles...
His answer, it's difficult for her cause we got divorced :jawdrop:
You are not wrong Java... kid needs to learn to respect other peoples property and the person, I still live on my own lol....
"His answer, it's difficult
"His answer, it's difficult for her cause we got divorced Jawdropping!
You are not wrong Java... kid needs to learn to respect other peoples property and the person, I still live on my own lol...."
Thanks, Acratopotes.
That answer was a pretty honest one, though I agree, it's not a healthy view. BioParents tend to have compassion for their kids in divorces, though for me, I refuse to coddle mine. Maybe it's because my folks got divorced and I know that coddling is more destructive than coddles want to admit. Maybe it's because I watched my SMom coddle hers as she shut me out and I watched her kids fail miserably. Maybe it's because my dating experiences often included single moms who coddled their kids and their kids often struggled - so they'd coddle them MORE. Being NOT biologically related tends to make us able to be more objective, and I think that gives us an advantage (ok, "mixed blessing") in seeing the harsh realities - like "Yeahhh, no... Johnny will not be in the NBA. His odds are about 1 is 2451 of kids who play basketball will make it professionally, so that means he has to be BETTER than ALL THE KIDS YOUVE SEEN PLAY. He's good, but at the tournaments, he's maybe upper 30% - but there are a bunch who are better - WAY better."
Statistic here: http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/09/04/432795481/how-likely...
But I gotta say, as a step, you're also being a little bit of a step husband or step wife because we are trying to be honest with our sweeties (an obligation) but also trying to be kind about their precious biokids so we don't have discord in the relationship. So we can't be harsh, but we must be pragmatic... "Well, I'm glad he enjoys playing basketball, it'll be good for him to learn the values of being on a team. But even MORE than NBA, do you know what I see on him? MBA. Knowing how teams work, coupled with some good academics, he can get a GREAT college degree and actually be able to APPLY that knowledge wherever he goes. His success will only be limited by his imagination. Let's get him to think big like that - able to see the BIG picture - and all the possibilities it has."
I was that stepkid. It drove
I was that stepkid. It drove my stepmother nuts. As far as my dad was concerned, I was welcome to touch any of his stuff that I wanted to. Obviously if I damaged something or lost something there would have been hell to pay, but save for my dad's expensive electronics that were not kid resilient, the house belonged to me. It worked the other way too obviously, it was pretty clear my dad owned me and all my stuff.
Then came the stepmother. Who would go completely insane if I ate one of her cookies. Or borrowed her shoes. Or fell asleep on "HER" couch in the living room. And for the life of me I couldn't understand why or what the problem was. She ended up padlocking half the house and putting an alarm on the refrigerator and designating things I wasn't allowed to touch, like pretty much everything in the house except the kitchen table when I was eating (with permission) my room and my bathroom. I can't tell you how many times I was called a thief after having taken something I really didn't see a problem with taking. (Like quarters out of the change jar when my dad forgot to give me lunch money one day.) Really caused me a whole lot of psychological grief. I spent the 8 years I lived with her wishing either she or I would just die already, it was so horrible.
Simply explaining to me that my stepmother did not give birth to me and therefore was not obligated to treat me as if she had by giving me free reign to all of her stuff probably would have gone a long way towards solving the problem. Its possible that the kid doesn't respect your boundaries because nobody has explained to him what exactly they are and why they are that way.
Solidshadow, this is what I
Solidshadow, this is what I think is sort of the case. Fiancée's ex is kind of hard-core about people messing with his stuff - and the kids aren't so thrilled to go there every other week because he has things they don't like - such as RULES, BOUNDARIES, CHORES, and REPERCUSSIONS - and so on. Fiancée is really lax with her kids. Don't get me wrong, the kids are pretty good, and I don't have a bad life 'round here at all. But it's not all about me, and it's not all about them. As I see it, if I'm going to earn the title of step parent, I want these kids to learn some responsibility and not develop into entitled monsters. And if these kids want to earn the right to be my step kids, they'll need to do some of this. If NOT, then they can just keep calling me mom's boyfriend or something... Fiancée needs to stop reminding ME that her kids and her are a "package deal" and start looking at all four of us as a package deal, and EACH OF all four of us is entitled to have our own boundaries - as sure as we all have to have our own responsibilities. In society, we all have rights... and with each right comes a lot of responsibility to maintain those rights.
I wonder if fiancée would feel ok if I gave my daughter (doesn't live w us) all of her expensive makeup and other goodies. My guess is NO. "Aww, come on, honey... it's *JUST STUFF.*"
It doesn't matter what mom's
It doesn't matter what mom's feelings are about what the boy "meant" or if it's generally ok to borrow a flashlight. What matters is how YOU feel about someone raiding your sock drawer or helping himself to your equipment.
So stop talking it over with mom. Figure out how to handle it yourself. Teach the kid you are not to be trifled with and he will regret pilfering from you.
Think of the things you control that will affect him. Confiscate those things. When he complains, let him know the terms of surrender. These can be 1)confession 2)apology 3)return of item 4)hard labor 5)cash etc. Any or all or any other similar type you can think of that does not infringe on mom's territory such as you cannot ground him. But you can decline to take him somewhere he was previously hoping for. You can turn off the wifi. You can remove items you paid for. Get creative.
If mom squawks, you just look at her in confounded surprise, "I'm not having anyone rifling through my sock drawer, are you nuts?" and just carry on about your business. Do not engage in an argument. There's nothing to argue about.
This is the best advice I've
This is the best advice I've seen. Java, pick your battles. If you nitpick every little thing because kids are a hassle (and they are, bio or step), then you are going to cause everyone around you more emotional distress than is necessary. But barring that--if the socks are an issue to you, confront SS yourself. Tell him it's not acceptable for him to use or take your things without asking, and it's not acceptable to enter your room. You set the boundaries. DW should be supporting you. If she really thinks you're too hard on her son then she shouldn't be with you in the first place.
"Think of the things you
"Think of the things you control that will affect him. Confiscate those things. When he complains, let him know the terms of surrender. These can be 1)confession 2)apology 3)return of item 4)hard labor 5)cash etc. Any or all or any other similar type you can think of that does not infringe on mom's territory such as you cannot ground him. But you can decline to take him somewhere he was previously hoping for. You can turn off the wifi. You can remove items you paid for. Get creative.
If mom squawks, you just look at her in confounded surprise, "I'm not having anyone rifling through my sock drawer, are you nuts?" and just carry on about your business. Do not engage in an argument. There's nothing to argue about."
I have done some of those things. I was painted as a vengeful man. Believe me, I can tell the best thing is to keep the infraction and the reaction aligned. So, when I realized some of my toiletries were missing, I went into their bathroom while they were away and took my stuff back and now check it every day so I can address it immediately. My hair goo bottle had clearly been misappropriated and it was all covered with careless slop and crusty fingerprints, so I cleaned it up and put it a certain way in my bathroom again. If it's moved, I'll know... and I'll bring the lightning of Zeus.
WiFi will get shut down if someone is abusing the rules that apply to internet or other internet-related infractions. I have NO problem with that, but DO believe that keeping the punishment in context is vital. If someone is spending too much time on the internet, I'll point it out to DW and let her handle it.
If a kid comes over and is surfing kiddie porn through my router, down goes the internet, and the kid will be banned, PERIOD. When we had some kids coming over who were watching some questionable stuff on TV, I put parental controls on, and DW was mad that I did it without discussing it with her, so if again, I'll tell her I'm going to clamp it for a while.
If one of the kids lends the house key to a friend, I'll change the locks and that kid gets no more keys. DW might get mad, but OH WELL. I bought the new locks and paid to have them keyed, did all that... it's too expensive to get redone.
But really, taking my socks is minor... coming into my space while I'm not around with selfish motives, even if you take nothing, is HUGE. Thinking I need to get a keyed lock for our bedroom.
"Fiancée needs to stop
"Fiancée needs to stop reminding ME that her kids and her are a "package deal" and start looking at all four of us as a package deal, and EACH OF all four of us is entitled to have our own boundaries - as sure as we all have to have our own responsibilities."
Perfect. Ten million per cent perfect. I think you're going to be fine.
I was also going to suggest something about the socks. Instead of ruining them with bleach, you might consider a lingerie bag. These are zippered mesh bags that come in varying sizes. You can get them from about $1.49 to about $5.00. They are typically used for washing something delicate like stockings or troublesome like a bathrobe belt.
In your case you might want to drop all your socks in a mesh bag instead of directly into the laundry basket. The entire bag is then zippered shut and tossed in the washer and in turn the dryer. This way your socks will not mix with his and you know that every sock in there is yours. The bag is never opened from the time it leaves your hands till it gets back in them.
You can buy these anywhere like Target, etc.
New to this site and posting.
New to this site and posting. I have been with my husband for 9 years. My 2 younger boys were 6 and 3 when we got together and his daughter was 3 and son 6. We have had all of the kids on a half time basis and have had to adjust times to sometimes manage having my boys separate from them just to help everyone manage. Lots of dysfunction from both of our exs and we have our own things we deal with but my step kids have had to watch their mom get into new relationships every couple years with promises of bigger houses, more travel and the happy family. Anout 5 years ago she again had found another man (a married man from the kids school) he left his wife and the next day had a sleeep over with his boys over at her house. His 12 year old son slept in the same bed as my step daughter who was 7 at the time. My husband expressed how inappropriate that was and his ex turned it on him that she was concerned that his kids shared a room with bunk beds... (she later moved into her parents basement and they all slept on couches for a year. Needless to say a month into the relationship she surprised them with a trip to Disney with the new bf and he ended up breaking up with her. Her parents followed thru and took them to Disney. My SD ended up stealing my wallet with 150$ in it and we finally discovered it and she said it was because they were short for spending money for their trip. Fast forward to this year. My 16 year old son is struggling with mental health he ended up in hospital in early January and after spending the evening with him and watching him be restrained and out of control I came home to my SD wanting to talk to me in her brothers room. When I got in there she stayed she did not think it was fair that she had to get a job to pay for her data for her phone. I told her that is the way that we did things. After not getting what she wanted she stayed she had read my journal in early December....her brother was mad because they had read I called their mom a slut. I told them that was not for them to read and I am very respectful to their mom and I treat them good. I was devastated. I told my husband and I had a feeling she had taken pictures of my journal and she had... she said she deleted them but I got my husband to check and she lied again. They ended up moving to their moms full time march 1 and I love it. The thing is I don't want to see her. I am ok with my SS but I have a lot of resentment towards her. Should I talk to her? Or just wait to see if she wants to talk?
I am told I'm over-the-top
I am told I'm over-the-top from time to time. It used to be more often. I stopped caring so much how SD comes out in life. My parenting was not welcomed, so they get none. Now I get told I'm going too far when I get mad about things like SD taking a man's portion of my wife's chili (my favorite she makes) FOR BREAKFAST and eats one bite and throws it out. I'm told I'm crazy for getting upset and that there was no way she did that on purpose (she is 10)... she just wasn't as hungry as she thought. I'm also crazy and over-the-top for thinking that it is not ok to let a kid feed themselves chili for breakfast period.
Sometimes disengagement is harder than it sounds.
seacuke1891, that sounds
seacuke1891, that sounds familiar. VERY familiar. I've bought boxes of breakfast cereal, only to have SS13 rip them open, pour out a BIG bowl, then take a bite or two while playing his phone's video game and forget it's going soggy... then he has a soggy bite and dumps it all out. BTW, he didn't close the bag up again, so the rest of it went stale. This is stuff I bought for all of us... and he got a bowl or two, the rest of us got nothing.
BUT...
Since I've said something, and pretty consistently, HE'S GETTING IT NOW. Another thing is that I STOPPED BUYING so many groceries, and DW is now getting to see the financial impact as she sees her kids waste the food SHE bought. It can get better, but there will be some (hopefully temporary) hurt feelings along the way. I'd call these "growing pains" as well!
As an update, DW is saying
As an update, DW is saying she wants me to be SKids' friend. Not sure how to take that...
She said they have a dad and a mom, but don't need ANOTHER dad and ANOTHER mom. Not sure what's precipitating this shift, aside from the obvious indication from her that *she feels like* I'm hard-line, and she doesn't want her kids raised like that.
There's also the point that BioDad has remarried a hard-core control freak who's now running their show from sunup to bedtime, and she's SUPER judgmental of what we're doing (as if we're too laid-back or permissive). To be honest, from what I've heard, this lady is OPPRESIVE, and I really think her own daughter will grow up without out-growing the title of The Little Princess. GLWT...
Anyway, I think that the SKids are seeing the differences of the households and SS13 is choosing to do better because he sees he can't skate by and do nothing anymore. So he and I are improving, though DW and I are struggling a little right now.
Darn straight... and I
Darn straight... and I guarantee you, I'm sure that when they go to DW's ex's house, I'm a horrific ogre...
What's a challenge is when I point out anything that needs improvement, it's like DW is now presuming I'm being an unfeeling jerk. SD12 loves to make "slime" (it's all the rage among tween-agers these days), and she left a bunch of messy stuff (2 bowls, 2 spoons, a dinner plate, and all of the measuring spoons - plus a bunch of milk and cereal slopped out) in the kitchen sink, so I took a pic on my phone and sent it to her, saying, "Thank you for feeding the dogs! It saves me a step. Next time you're both over, I'd appreciate it if you'd rinse your dishes and put them in the dishwasher." SD told DW about the picture, and DW got onto me about that... "WHY... Did you send her a picture?" I told her I was just showing her what was there, and I was merely asking her to be more aware. "She was really upset." I'm sorry, but I only want what's best for us all, and I worded it in such a way that it wouldn't be an attack, though I'm sorry if she WAS upset. *SD12 walks in and sits down* SD, I'm sorry if I upset you - were you upset that I sent you the picture of the sink? I only want what's best for us all. "No, I wasn't upset." DW then said, "You showed me the picture because it upset you, right?" SD12 said, "No, I just showed it to you. I want to be better, so I don't mind being reminded."
As a disclaimer, DW is post-menopausal and recently started some hormone patches, so I'm not sure if this may be affecting her previously kinder disposition, so I'm trying to be understanding that this may have an effect on her perception of things (or, it could be that I am, indeed, a bona-fide axxhole - I could see that, too, though it's not my intent, and if I was considered an axxhole by a legitimate source, I'd want to know ways to improve). She has noticed an uptick in energy levels, though she has a hard time waking up still (always has). She says she feels bad about that... I have no problem. I am now just getting up in the morning and going to work - and am skipping trying to wake her up, just hoping the patches will get her feeling how she wants to.
Aaaaaanyway... last night, we were watching a video and I fell asleep. She got onto me, and so when we got to bed, she kept pushing... "WHY do you DO that? WHY don't you SAY something, stop the movie, go to bed, or something?" I said I don't know, probably because I'm comfortable and just fall asleep... She kept on me. Finally I said that she's been pushing me pretty hard for a few months now whenever I do something like this (to me, it's minor - it was 11:30 at night, and it was way past my bed time), and I am getting the idea she's grown tired of me, etc. Wasn't a good conversation, but dang... I don't want to make her feel bad for sleeping in much of the time, though when she gets up later than I do, it *might stand to reason* that she'll get tired later than I will... I suppose I'll have to point that out next time it comes up.
she wants you, an adult to be
:jawdrop: she wants you, an adult to be her kids friend.... I will laugh and ask her if they do not have friends their own age?
I'm sorry but I'm no child's friend, not even my own kid.
DW is quit right, her kids have a mother and a father and it's not you, thus you do not have to discipline, parent or financially support them, I think she just shot herself in the foot with that statement, you can use it to your advantage like I did when my SO's brat screamed at me I'm not her mother... from that day on wards I simply would tell her, I'm not your mother ask her...
Yeah, I was thinking about
Yeah, I was thinking about that, too. My list of responsibilities could get a LOT shorter.
I've already started NOT cleaning up after them. I got to looking at my expenditures, and dining out with them all has been very expensive (close to $400 a month). I've been buying a lot of groceries as well (close to $1000 a month). I'm scaling that WAY back now. She gets $1000 a month in CS, which is supposed to go FIRST toward her kids' living expenses - not just entertainment and fun stuff. Looks like the fun will have to slow down or her credit cards will go up - which is what I've been hinting to her for a while now, that she needs to slow it down.
But when she told me that she wanted me to not parent them and just be their friend, I was really perplexed. I was thinking, "Have you really thought this through? Have you considered what this will mean?" Kids need a mom and dad wherever they are - not a mom-and-friend one week and a dad-and-friend the next.
I wonder if she's getting tired of me because I'm such a wet blanket to all the fun stuff she wants for her kids. I honestly wonder if she doesn't see all the Disneyland Mom in so many of the things she does.
And now, baseball is starting (again???) and her okay-playing son will be going to this new thing that's going to cost $900, and her daughter is going to play soccer as well. Well... it's not my money (but it IS ours when she won't be able to pay some bills because of all these other things, and I'll have to pick up the slack). This will get interesting.
I m confused now Java....
I m confused now Java.... why's DW picking up all the sports and wants you to help paying for it or the house hold bills.... you are not the father remember...
thus make sure BM pays her bills, do not bail her out ever, the father can step up and help with the kids.
I'm sorry she opened this can of worms lol, I'm a witch... if I was in your shoes she would've learned very quickly, either I help her with the kids and she teaches them it's my right and they should respect it, or I'm not the father and I help with nothing at all..
I have figured she wants to
I have figured she wants to always be synonymous with FUN, so I pay for the boring stuff while she pays for the good times. My ex wanted that, too; that didn't work out too well. Gotta know and value the difference between HAPPINESS and HAVING A GOOD TIME.