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Back on with the disengaging!

Java_Junkie's picture
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Grr, they frustrate me to no end sometimes, and when DW stopped me this morning when I was offering a few thoughts (she closed her eyes and held up her hands and STOPPED me MID SENTNCE and said, "I GOTTTTTT IT."

I said, "Awesome," then got up and left the room to take a shower to go to work.

She'll get NO SUPPORT for a while. I won't back her up, I will just laugh when her kids are dummies and do stupid stuff...

When they forget or mess something up, I'll just let it all unfold and if it affects me directly, then I'll get onto her and tell her to control her brats a little better.

Kid needs a ride? Nope.

Go to your son's baseball game? Nope.

Dinner for the four of us? I'll cover DW and me, DW will have to pay for them.

Grocery run? ONLY the stuff that ONLY I eat.

And so on.

I know that parents don't like being told how to parent. I know I wouldn't have liked it when my kids were kids. So why make an enemy by helping, when the help is unwanted? Telling a parent that they need to stop trying to be their kids' BUDDY and start parenting is like telling a heroin addict or an alcoholic that they need to quit - They KNOW it, but they would rather do what they WANT instead of what they NEED. So, rock on, girl.

 

SM12's picture

a parent won’t see the things that need fixed until they feel the pain from the problem.   If you point it out the parent just gets all defensive and digs in their heels.   Pull back and let your DW feel the ramifications from her parenting.   I had to do that with my DH.  I saw his spawn were manipulative little jerkwads early on.  I pointed out to DH when they were playing him.   He just got defensive and I was the bad guy.   I pulled back and stopped doing anything for them ever.   Didn’t take long for DH to open his eyes.  He backslid a few times at first but I kept strong and stayed out of it.   Now he sees them for how they really are and I’m not the mean old bad guy.    

TrueNorth77's picture

Ugh, I have something similar happening with my SO right now. Any convo about skids, if I put in an opinion on the subject, my SO just has to disagree. He is the parent, he knows all about skids and any opposing view is not considered and shut down. It's so ridiculous. If you want to do it all by yourself, I can certainly make that happen.

Rags's picture

The question of the giant pink elephant in the room remains.

Why are still in this marriage and what are getting out of it that makes you stay?

smh

Java_Junkie's picture

...and I am able to get through to her, even if I sometimes have to pinch hard to get it all across. That night, we had "date night" and she started to get onto me about something about how hard nosed I am, etc... I stopped her in the restaurant and laughed a little, then I laid it out:

"Do you know how it feels to know you're NOT your partner's number one person? That's how I feel. Your son is your number one, and everyone sees it. Ask around. Your daughter is always behind him, and I'm just somebody off to the side. I do an AWFUL LOT of stuff around the house to make for a great life for us all, but your kids are oblivious to all that I do because you simply don't tell them about how awesome I am. I honestly am beginning to think THAT is because YOU don't think I'm that awesome." I saw tears starting to well up a little, and so I paused to see if she wanted to say anything. I think she understood and got a littl bit of a sunburn from seeing that much.

I'm wanting her to see it, that if the shoes were on the other's feet, she'd feel used by everyone else in the house, and I feel that way sometimes. I want her to really think about it and be ready to answer, "Do you want to make this better, or do you want to bring it to an end? Because I don't want it like this anymore, and something has got to change."

We're getting there, but I won't just pick up my marbles and walk away without giving her sufficient time to see the logical consequences that come from what she's been doing. Her mom passed away and she's had some surgeries to heal up from, so I wasn't going to do that at any time like that, especially when I know she's sort of struggling with her own feelings of self-worth when she knows she can't go to work, etc.

Hope that clarifies.