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Disengagement from Stepchildren

sakurachan's picture

Hello everyone,

I have been doing a lot of research on disengaging from stepchildren. I have had enough of the biomom and the stepkids disrespect. My husband is a good man, but he has caved when it comes to raising and disciplining his daughters (11 & 12), he wants to remain the disney dad, although he says he supports me in this change if it will make me happier, I am really worried as to how this is going to play out. He apologized that is has gotten to this point.

I have five children (four daughters and one son who is the youngest ages are 16, 15, 14, 12 and 9), their father has not been in their lives for about five years so my husband has taken that role on, but he is much harder on my kids than he is with his own. My children recognize this and it hurts them and makes them angry and resentful.

I told my husband that we are having a family meeting tonight and that I am going to be letting my stepkids, my children, and my husband know that I am not going to parent his children anymore. I will not make sure that their teeth are brushed, that they have showered, or their homework is done, I will not dye, highlight, or color their hair or make sure they have nice clothes to wear, basically I will not do anything for them that I would do for my own children. I told my husband that he would need to purchase their clothing from second hand stores until he is caught up with his child support (his daughters are used to this type of clothing, their mother buys only second hand clothing even though she received child support. I typically buy my children new clothing because I receive child support from their father still even though he is not in their lives.

After five years I'm depleted emotionally and physically. I want to work on my relationship with my children and I want to make sure that my marriage is strong. I cannot do these things if I am parenting all seven kids and I am looked at as being the evil stepmother to the steps and the biomom. I really feel like both bio parents have dumped a large amount of responsibility on my shoulders but biomom lets it be known that she could care less what I think. I do not want to emotionally castrate my husband like his ex-wife did to him, he needs to step up and be a parent.

How do I disengage from the steps when I have five children? How should discipline work if my kids or the steps are not getting along? Should I alert biomom that I am not taking care of her children any longer and that the parenting role belongs to her and my husband? How do I take a backseat role when there is something my husband does that I disagree with?

I'm tired of being unhappy, I'm tired of being resentful towards my husband and his daughters.

Any positive advice is welcome, please do not post responses if you are going to be rude.

Thanks!

sakurachan's picture

Thank you so much for your comments, I really appreciate it.

I did talk to my husband, the last week or so I have been preparing some things on paper that I want to say. I let him read it and give me his thoughts on the matter. I know he feels bad that things have gotten to this point. I know he wants me to be happy and I believe he does take responsibility for his actions. The girl he married almost six years ago is almost unrecognizable. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that he allowed me to be the bad guy in the kids' lives. I blame myself as well because I didn't see what I was doing. I thought I was doing my husband a favor and I think ultimately I was trying to teach him how to discipline. Now I would never lay a hand on a child, I don't believe in that and I definitely don't believe in physically striking a child that is not your own, but he took advantage of the situation.

I have spoken with my 16, 15, and 14 year old daughters about everything. I know they are frustrated and I guess I want all family members present for this meeting so that everyone is clear on where I stand. I want my children to know that I am advocating for them and that certain things will not be tolerated. I recently found out that my husband's oldest daughter has been getting on her tiptoes to make herself big and scary to the younger kids when she's angry with them with the intention of intimidating them (she's only 12, where in the world would she learn that type of behavior??). I will not allow things like this to happen. I don't care if that child spends an entire day in her room with nothing to eat. If I don't advocate for my children no one will. Part of me wishes I could put her in a tent outside until she gets her attitude figured out, don't worry I would never do that. Smile

Stepped in what momma's picture

Why drag the kids in to your marriage issues? This conversation needs to be had with your DH and your DH alone. I much prefer leaving the skids in the dark, they will figure it out after a few months. And do NOT discuss with your children either as they will most certainly share with the skids anytime there is an issue between the group of kids.

I disengaged but by no means does it mean I am rude to the skids ( not that you were going to be). I just say with a huge smile on my face "I'm sorry sweetie I don't know the answer to your question but I'm sure your dad does so you'll need to ask him."

The skids haven't taken advantage of you, your DH has and you allowed yourself to be used.

HappilySelfish679's picture

Do not discuss your disengagement plans in a " family meeting ".

Do not discuss it at all. I simply disengaged from one day to the other 3 years ago, i am 100 % disengaged and trust me, both DH and SKIDS figured it out quickly once the fridge was empty, the kids had no clean clothes, the hamper was overflowing and nobody shuttled them around on weekends anymore.

Actions, not works. Oh and stick with it. I am heading into my 4th year of 100 % disengagement and its great.

sakurachan's picture

Thank you for your reply.

I wish I could go to the level that you have, but I have five children and they need to eat :). As I was researching the disengagement method, most people said to sit down and let everyone in the family know what you are doing and why so that the expectations are understood by all. Plus it's hard for me to say things in the moment. If the steps are in my room I have a hard time telling them that I want them to leave so I guess me telling everyone the expectations and how things are going to be makes it easier for me personally. It may not seem fair, but I am going to allow my children to come in my room as long as they have my permission, right now the steps want to come in and cuddle or be with their Dad and I need one place in my home that is just mine or that I can talk to my children without all the noise from the other kids. I'm not sure why, but when the steps come over the noise in my house goes up exponentially.

Disneyfan's picture

"It may not seem fair, but I am going to allow my children to come in my room as long as they have my permission, right now the steps want to come in and cuddle or be with their Dad and I need one place in my home that is just mine or that I can talk to my children without all the noise from the other kids."

If your bedroom is off limits to your SKs, then the same rule has to be in place for your bios. Not having them all follow the same rule will create problems down the road.

surfchica's picture

Disengagement is a hard subject to figure out. We all would like to do it, successfully, but to what degree and how?
I have disengaged from my SD's school life. I don't make sure she has done her home work or gets to school on time. I don't involve myself with anything like going to school events or meetings with teachers. I like it better that way and I have successfully taken this issue off my plate. If SD turns out to be a flunky in life, that is my husband's problem. I have made it very clear to my SD12 that she is out of the house at 18 to "live her own life" since she likes to live like a pig.
I can't seem to disengage from things that directly involve me. For example, I don't like to have a messy house. I consider her room to be a part of MY house. Since I own everything she has I expect it to be treated nicely, not broken, clothes hung up, etc. She sometimes cleans her room but mostly doesn't and lies about it. My husband won't step in. He says its my issue and it doesn't bother him that much. No matter how many conversations we have had, including suggesting counseling ( he won't) nothing changes. My husband will get to a point though where even he can't stand the room and lying and then gets on her. But only once. And then never follows through. And then SD is back to the same BS.
I can't ignore lies and her failure to do something when told. So, I can't see how disengagement from that would make me feel better. I would have a stinky house.
Being asked by SD if she can go somewhere or any other question, I can certainly defer to my husband. I love to cook and I cook for all of us but I don't have to buy her treats so maybe that is a way of disengagement, sort of.
Any other suggestions?

wickedstepmonsterornot2423's picture

Has any of this gotten better?? This seems to be similar to my situation. I want to disengage but I'm trying to find a happy medium. My DH isn't good with following through with anything either.

Rags's picture

I would not have a family meeting on this. This is better dealt with 1:1 between you and DH.

Don't say crap to BM.

Good luck.