Step children bullying my daughter.
Bullying is only one of numerous problems occurring in my family. I have 5 children, one of which is 12. My husband has two daughters 12 and 11. The 12 y.o. has been bullying my 12 year old daughter. I feel extra protective of my daughter because she had severe medical challenges as a baby. She had to breath through a trach and she was fed via a feeding tube. She also had a cleft palate and a recessed chin. She's endured multiple surgeries including a jaw distraction. Needless to say she's been through a lot. She's very normal but small for her age.
The 12 yo step daughter has been getting on her tip toes in order to intimidate my daughter (my daughter is very small for her age due to the medical issues, the SD is very tall for her age) when she wants her way, SD also has made fun of my daughter in front of their youth group. They were going around the circle saying something they like. My daughter said she likes to cook...SD yelled out "no you just like to eat!) My daughter was mortified. She's new to the youth group and hasn't made many friends yet so she already feels nervous. On Easter my husband went to his parents house for dinner. Step Grandma had an egg hunt for grandkids. My daughter miss counted how many eggs she had. SD told her she was cheating. My daughter explained the situation, SD told her she was a bad liar. Rather than leaving it at that SD decided to get some cousins to help her gang up on my daughter. When my daughter came home her eyes were red and puffy due to heavy crying. I was livid! My husband tried to fix the problem between the girls. I think he did this because he knew I would go off on his daughter and he didn't want her to suffer my wrath. I refuse to take crap from my SDs, this is part of the reason I disengaged from SDs, I can't stand their nastiness.
These are just a few of the scenarios that have taken place. Needless to say the mama bear in me has come out! When my daughter comes to me crying because SD has said or done something cruel I want to send her back to her mother. Unfortunately my husband would never support that consequence. So I told husband he has to take both of his daughters to work with him if he doesn't want to give his ex first right of refusal. On Saturday that's what he did and next week is spring break so SD'S will be going with husband. Next week the youth group is having an activity. I asked my daughter if she wanted step sister to go, my daughter said no, she's tired of being made fun of by a member of her own family. I don't blame my daughter for reacting that way. I told my husband that DD doesn't want step sister to go. My husband acted supportive initially, but then he said that his daughters don't have many opportunities to make friends when they are with us except for church activities. I told him that his daughter is not trust worthy and I would not leave any of my children alone with his daughter. If he leaves to go somewhere both of his daughters have to go with him.
I think SD has some real issues manifesting. Any insights as to what might be going on or any ideas of solutions? SD'S behavior is affecting my relationship with my husband which really worries me, but husband needs to learn to parent his children. His ex wore the pants in his marriage, when he divorced her, he moved in with his parents. ..any guesses as to who raised his daughters, yup, Grandma. My husband has never had to just depend on himself. When I was a single mom I didnt have anyone to help me, I had to learn to be self reliant. I wasn't at the time but now I'm so grateful I didn't have anyone to take over my responsibilities. It was extremely difficult raising 5 children but it made me strong. I know this is long, thanks for bearing with me, I really appreciate it.
Your in a world of trouble
Your in a world of trouble with this one aren't you?
There are a lot of problems here and I think you and partner need counselling. he also needs to take a parenting class. He needs to learn to parent
Draw a very firm line in the sand. He has a certain amount of time like six months or whatever to come to counselling and take a parenting class. He has that time to implement the changes and for you to see a marked improvement in sd or you will file for divorce
And mean it and do it. In mean time his kids go everywhere with him as you are doing
This situation is dangerous. I mean how evil and nasty do you have to be to stand on your tiptoes to further intimidate someone? And she does this at other places too making it easy to exclude your daughter ? Nope this is not situation you want to stay in- it is dangerous. His daughter is such a brat and this behaviour really makes me angry
Can I also suggest that your daughter take some martial arts? It's good for confidence building and if she is small as gets older it will help her to be able to stand tall and not take shite from any of the other bullies out there in world
Meh, I lean the other way. I
Meh, I lean the other way. I think calling this "bullying" is a little overly dramatic. To me it sounds like normal preteen stuff.
If your delicate flower can't laugh off the joke of "I love to cook"/ "No, you just love to EAT!" how do you think she is going to handle SCHOOL? Or life?
She's so timid she's terrified of someone being TALLER than her? That won't get her far in life. She's no shrinking violet.... except that's how you are encouraging her to be. Honestly, you are creating her to be bully-fodder by indulging her insecurities. You coddle them, she will create yet more. Now SD LOOKED AT HER FUNNY.
I think you and your DH are BOTH missing an opportunity- him to teach his daughter that you don't have to tease other people to make yourself look better, and you to teach your daughter to have some thicker skin and enough self confidence that every tiny comment doesn't send her to tears.
But- that's JMO.
Edited to add- as a retired female firefighter, I ABHOR parents who raise daughters to be full of fear. Who plant the thought that their daughters self worth hinges on the words of another. You are raising your daughter to have a life of anxiety, depression, and victimization. You are grooming her to be the eternal whimpering victim in all things in life. Instead of coddling to her tender insecurities, why don't you give her SKILLS to handle these situations? Because they will come, SD or no. She will need to face criticism, embarrassment, intimidation in life. So be a parent and PARENT.
I get telling your husband
I get telling your husband your husband to take his kids with him when he goes to work or isn't home. But allowing your daughter the power to decide if his kids can attend the youth group activity is crazy.
It doesn't sound like your SDs are bullying your kid. They are teasing and calling her out on stuff (the Easter egg sounds a bit out there). Your kid needs to find her voice. Hell, there's no reason why she can't tease them back or tell them to knock it off.
IMO, OP had no business
IMO, OP had no business sending her kid to SF's mother's house to begin with.
OP sat all these kids down a few weeks ago in a 'family' meeting and basically disowned the step kids in her disengagement announcement. Blabbed on and on about focusing only on her kids and ended up just short of putting a princess tiara on each of her snowflake bios' heads... and then she promptly sends SF's step kids (her children) to play Daddy and Grandma at his mother's house for a kiddie event.
How does the OP know the SD
How does the OP know the SD got the other cousins involved? More than likely the other kids knew her daughter lied about the number of eggs she found and reacted on their own. Kids that age don't need someone to call out a kid they feel is cheating, they do it on their own.
If the OP's kid isn't comfortable with being at the youth event with the SDs, then her kid should stay home or stay away from the SDs while they are there. Allowing her daughter to decide if the others can attend is wrong.
That is giving the kid too much power. That may result in a tit for tat with her husband. If the OP's kid gets to ban his kids from this event, then his kids may get the same option in the future.
Well damn, no wonder the kids
Well damn, no wonder the kids can't get along. Maybe this is more than just typical kid teasing.
OP'S kids haven't seen or
OP'S kids haven't seen or spoken to their father in years.
From a comment OP made in a reply in December:
" My ex husband hasn't seen or spoken to our children in over 4 years now and we have my step kids two days a week and every other weekend, being bio mom and step mom can really messed with your emotions.
"We never get a break, but my ex is a scary person as is his wife so I'm grateful we have my kids 24/7, I know they're safe. My husband's ex wife is extremely controlling and she's a crazy PhD therapist. So she knows how to work the attorneys, kids, church leaders, etc."
https://www.steptalk.org/node/223311
Sounds like the exhusband's
Sounds like the exhusband's wife is a SM who won't fall for the BM and SD's games.
Wow, this is a complete mess.
Wow, this is a complete mess. I think this family needs counseling. If things are going to work everyone in the house needs to be willing to change and compromise. Step kids can turn into best friends and really love eachother if you stop taking sides and focus on cultivating a relationship. Take both girls to get a lovely manicure and tell them you would love more than anything to have a house full of daughters. Be willing to be an adult guiding both sides into a relationship. Maybe the skid is feeling like a villain and is acting out. Give her the opportunity to be forgiven and maybe you and your daughter will find that you owe her and apology as well. Don't cultivate division or you're going to ruin your marriage. Youth group is about Jesus Christ and booting the Skid is not what He would want from you. Having Skids is giving you and your daughters the opportunity to have family and friends. Only bitterness keeps score and what does He say about bitterness? Remember, blessed are the peace makers. You're skids really could be so much worse, these are very petty infractions and things my bio kids would do to eachother. It really doesn't sound like bullying, sounds like normal kid stuff. Show the girls that you will treat them with equality and purposely cultivate friendship between the girls. you get to decide what you're going to contribute to this family, more divisions and brokenness or healing and happiness. Pray about it, seek counseling, and be willing to let go of anger and resentment.