This MIL email feels like an attack
Several weeks ago I posted about disengaging from my two SD's. My mother in law got wind of it and below is an excerpt from an email she sent me.
"You sat down with your family (all nine of them) to excuse yourself from being a mother? We have talked about NOT putting adult concerns on the shoulders of children. What were you thinking! PLEASE sit them all down again and apologize profusely. If you do not do this, you are alienating ALL of your children. You have put in the minds of YOUR children that one day you will sit them down and refuse to be their mother too! You have created a crack in the very fabric of your family. FIX THIS. If you do not know how, talk to a professional. I am begging you to fix this."
Am I really alienating my family by disengaging from the steps? I am literally trying to save myself and my relationships with my husband and my children. My emotions are extremely raw at this time in my life. My husband admitted to me that he is scared that his DD'so will not look at him as the fun parent any longer. He's worried that if he doesn't cater to them they won't want to come over. This is so frustrating! It is taking a negative toll on my mind, heart, and body. I'm waking up in the middle of the night with major anxiety attacks. My children tell me they don't like me being sad and angry all the time. They miss the happy fun mom that I used to be...how do I find my way back?
Eugh don't you just hate it
Eugh don't you just hate it when the mother in law weighs in???
Honestly I know what your going through - my partners parents are not here most of the year but when they are I last about five minutes before I need to strangle her!
Listen you need to take care of you. No one else but you. Everyone is putting their shite on you and you are suffering.
First your partner left you to parent his children now he is fearful of doing it himself and he is passing that to you. The only reason they won't come if he isn't fun is cause he allowed them to become spoilt brats. That is not your problem they are not your kids. Let him handle that.
Now you need a plan to take care of this:
1- tell partner about email from his mother and have him speak to her about how this is not acceptable.
2- from now on ignore her emails , have them send to junk and leave her to her own devices
3- accept that this will cause backlash - she will speak poorly of you to family and exclude you and your kids cause they are not her grandchildren even tho they are all your kids
4- apologise to no one for doing what is best for you
5- leave your kids with someone you trust a few days and go somewhere by yourself. Get some rest and decompress everything
6- anxiety is brought on by the situation so you need to take steps to combat it- join a gym and maybe see someone you can talk it out with. But don't let mil know. It will make her think she is right
7- book a fun day out, you and your kids only - you all deserve it with the crap you are put thru
I feel so bad you are in awful situation. Please take care of you and your kids.
As you can see step parent is thankless job and you are always the bad guy
From now on: not your kids not your problem!
Hugs!
Ignore your MIL, it's really
Ignore your MIL, it's really none of her business.
Wineisthecure is correct, no announcement should have been made but what's done is done. Be the happy mom for your kids, let your DH parent his kids.
My husband admitted to me that he is scared that his DD'so will not look at him as the fun parent any longer.
This is HIS problem. He is their parent and he needs to discipline them, as well as have fun with them. Wanting and expecting you to be the bad guy so that he can be the guilty, fun, Disney Dad is WRONG.
If he cannot see that and doesn't care how this affects you, that's a bigger problem than your MIL's email.
First part of finding your
First part of finding your way back is to eliminate (or minimize as much as possible) contact with toxic aholes.
Your MIL comes to mind immediately. I would find it soooooo hard not to tell her off and inform her that those are NOT your children and you are NOT their mother - and add a few explicative descriptions of what I thought of her. But don't do that. Say it to yourself - you could even journal it. But do not interact with the MIL. No good can come of it.
"Ignore the whore" - use the SM mantra to define your relationship with MIL.
Your MIL has a totally different opinion on your role in your family. Guess what - she doesn't get a vote. And I would not so much as give her the time of day if she can't keep her yap shut.
TMI applies. No more
TMI applies. No more announcements. Just do it.
So after your post asking if
So after your post asking if you should hold a meeting and announce your disengagement and nearly everyone said no, you went and held the meeting and announced it? Sheesh you are a glutton for punishment.
The line from the MIL about putting adult responsibilities on the kids was interesting.