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the adults in the hands of the is incredible!!!!

dalhia's picture

im posting a lot lately..i guess i have some time to think (dangerous stuff Lol

my marriage is not you find in your marriage that the Skids became like a taboo subject?. a thing you do not talk about? it is a bit like walking on eggshells when you have something to you relate to that?

i talk to my "normal family" friends and I feel jelaous at what they tell me. they all have very similar issues with thier teens (attitute, entitlement, fits, bla bla) BUT the main difference is that is natural for them to say things like "my daughter has been a real bitch these last months, bla bla) in front of their husbands who usually agree with them or even add some more details to the stories. My point is that is normal..and at NO POINT their marriage in on the line or the family gets divided in two bands, or there are the guilt games, etc.
in hteir families the onyl division that exists is the proper division of "Adults/kids"...that is NORMAL
therefore, my marriage is not healthy, it is very weak because it depends on the manipulation and tantrums of a teenage God!!! nothing in this world should depend on that, and it never fails to amuse me how two adults that actually love eachother end up fighting and feeling depply hurt, and consider divoerce for the rotten attitude and bad behavior of ..a 12 year old...isnt is something!!?!!?!!?. you know that the ONLY reason that my husband and i fight is this girl, her choices and our reactions to her choices...we act like we dont have power to change that? it almost makes my laugh it is so sad....

hismineandours's picture

Yep we had this sort of division for years. I could freely admit MY kids were being a-holes and dh was A-ok with that, but if I said something like that about the potsmoking golden boy then I was cruel, negative, and nasty. It bothered me for years. I was always wanting to talk to dh about ss13-about how to work things out-how to fix things-how to improve our communication about ss-but it was so difficult to broach these topic and when I did it it usually went over like a lead balloon.

Then I dont know what happened. Stopped caring I guess. My ss doesnt live with us and currently he's not even visiting regularly so I dont have to deal with him on a day to day basis. But, literally, I just found that desire to "be on the same page" with dh about ss disappeared. I just sort of accepted that my ss is a total loser, now and will always be, and my dh just can't manage to parent him appropriately. It is what it is-who cares unless it personally causes me distress?

I have also found myself becoming more and more bold with my statements. Just last night-I received an order for xmas-I bought all 4 of the kids, including ss, a northface jacket for xmas. To me, this is supernice of me to spend this much on someone who has not uttered one word to me on his own accord in years. I deserve a freaking medal for it, IMO. When dh saw the box, he did ask if I got ss one too (we had been under orders from MIL to get ss a winter coat and I had been resisting). I said "Yes, yes, I did-not that he deserves it". My dh said-nothing. Cool. A few years ago this would have incited a riot. I still remember about 4 years ago when I mentioned that I did not "enjoy" ss's visits because he alternated between screaming at me, acting as if I didnt exist, and walking up to me and randomly insulting me. Dh was so upset about this and "so is my family" whom evidently he volunteered that info too. I laughed at him and said I'd have to a fidiot to enjoy being treated like that. I find that bluntness really goes a long way.

christinen's picture

YES! I feel the exact same way when I talk to my "normal family" friends. Like you said, they can have a normal discussion about the children and their behavior and it rarely (if ever) causes fights between the two of them. But God forbid I say anything about SD. He will jump to her defense so fast. Almost all our fights are about her. We really have no other issues. And yes, it is sad that 2 adults who love each other would be fighting over a child of any age.

hippiegirl's picture

I know....I've been accused of "picking on poor SS" whenever I point out that he isn't acting right. He's 24....hello! Why the eff does he not have a job or a car?!?! It isn't normal for someone that age to not want to be independent. I've been out of my parents house and on my own since I was 17 for Christ's sake! I feel like this loser is never going to leave and I'm never going to have my house back again!!! Oh ,but I better not act like it bothers me, or I'm being a bitch. "He's had a hard life, blah, blah, blah". Why, because his parents got frickin' divorced like a million years ago? Sorry, didn't mean to write all that. :O

bestwife's picture

My SS is also 24. He has a job - well sort of. Wo
On some plane I feel sorry for him. His mother, father and stepmother all treated him like crap. I didn't arrive unti he was over 20. He has never done anything to me, although I do know his history.

He is not allowed to live with us - period. That means even if he is homeless or goes to jail because he cannot raise $300 for a fine.

His mother is a total skank whore. I feel TREMENDOUS resentment that I am expected be the one to bail out her "crotch droppings".
Not happening even if I do kind of like him.

cant win for losin's picture

Yup its a taboo subject at my house. For one, because i no longer have anything nice to say about ss. I dont blame dh for not wanting to hear the blunt cold hard truth coming from my mouth everytime.
Two, dh claims that everytime he does bring anything up about ss i get pissed.
Well hell yes i do. Dh can come up with more excuses for ss behavior than i can remember. And, dh has claimed "i try to vent, but you get mad." But in truth he is always (still) trying to ask me to do something. Even after i have told him straight up specifically ahead of time dont ask, i wont do it.
Hes not venting, hes asking. The couple times he did vent, i listened objectivly and didnt say anything.
Nope cant talk about skids, blended family issues here and its sad.
He will never see or understand my point of view and i will def not understand his.

carson87's picture

I am in the same boat. FDH and I have some conflicting ideas on whether I should have input on what goes on with Fskids. I say that I should have input when it affects daily life in OUR house, OUR financial situation, OUR relationship, OUR future, MY privacy/boundaries, etc. So far, regardless of how obviously right I am or how obviously wrong the skid in question is, FDH always reacts defensively and then lashes out at me when I try to talk to him. Sometimes if I persevere and spend time listing out all the ways I am supportive of the kids, etc. and then circle back to whatever the current issue is, he will calm down, but sometimes not. We have had some really serious fights that I thought at the time might be the end, but sometimes despite his reaction, later he will start trying to work on whatever the issue was. It's weird - like he knows I'm right but doesn't want to admit to it in a conversation with me.
The skids have their BM, FDH, and 2 grandparents who basically live to serve and satisfy their every need/whim/desire. I often feel that all those folks incorrectly assume that I will join their ranks and make my life be just about what else I can do for the skids. That will happen when hell freezes over. I like the kids and will continue to be supportive of them but I am not their BM and am not going to try to pretend to be that. I told FDH that there is only one potential partner in the world who does or ever will feel the way he feels about his kids, and he divorced her...So if that is what he's looking for, then she is his one and only option. I also reminded him that I am not with him because I was looking for 3 kids to take care of. It really irks me how it's expected that I will contribute financially (so that the kids can all have their own rooms, something FDH can't afford without me,) and expected that I will develop and nurture relationships with the kids, and expected that I will sacrifice for the kids, but it doesn't seem to be ok for me to talk about any issues I see with the kids.
The skids are also the only reason we ever fight. I told DFH that we have to find a way to be on the same team with stuff like this, or else I don't know if we will make it. I have no idea how to go about that, other than to try to keep talking about it. Boy, I can't wait for more of those conversations...

emotionaly beat up's picture

Now come on people, of course you cannot expect your DH to tolerate you critizing his offspring, especially his daughter. Why would you even think of doing that. These kids are perfect, you must all be blind not to see that, or perhaps, you just hate his kid, or maybe you are too sensitive, or then again, you might just be taking things the wrong, way, or picking on his kid for no reason, other than you are looking for falts, oh wait, you have obviously forgotten these kids have been through a lot, or it might just be that you are expecting far too much from them, I have noticed some posters on this site actually expect a please and thank you. There is nothing wrong with the stepkids only the stepmothers you'd think you would know that by's all our fault. Smile Now go away and just be nice, let them walk all over you treat you like crap, ask nothing of them, but do everything for them, do not expect civility, respect or manners in your own home or anywhere else for that matter, just give and give and give, and when this fails to please them, well take a long hard look at yourself, because it certainly must be something else that you are doing wrong, it would never be the Sks fault, just ask their dads. Biggrin

carson87's picture

Maybe this accounts for why there is an even higher failure rate for 2nd marriages. I'd like to think there is hope that we could get on the same page or find a way to make it work. We are not on the brink of separating at this point by any means, but what really worries me that issues with the kids might get worse as they get older, instead of better. For example, right now it irks me that SD17 won't get a job, but 5 years down the road when she should be out of the house and on her own, that would make me lose my mind. I cannot have them move in here and live here 100% of the time, indefinitely, because they are lazy. Maybe I worry too much about the future, but I can't help it. I'm not getting any younger! I want this to be IT...Don't want to find myself back out in the dating world in 5 years because SDs are too spoiled and lazy to move out and be adults and I can't take it.