hard to live in the same house with SD
im a very independent woman in all aspects and I wonder why i find myself living a situation like this.
in my house, SD12 rules the house...it is not that she is telling peple what to do but since she is moody, and drama, and highly manipulative, and just a pain in the ass teenager she sets the tone of the house. i hate that. it is not so much her fault since she is 12 and at 12 girls are playing with power, with controlling , with praticing actin like little bitches, etc..it is part of life. the problem is DH that allows the moods and her dramas to affect everybody and never sets a limit. I think he is scared of her. scared of saying hard "no's"...i dont want to think whqt will happen i nthe next couple of years. we hace 100% custody and i cant wait until she goes away.
the reality is that i dont have the type of personality that would deal with a little dark princess in my house , making me, my son and my dogs misserable :)...it is simply not ok...we are passed the fighting, we are passed the trying to explain to her, or to dH. im trying to travel as much a possible for work, im not interested in building any relationship with her, shei s toxic big time, the stories are a bit scary really..but i dont want to get into those now. the point id that i want my house ot be a place of peace and union, where you are safe and now it is a bit of a passive aggresive war zone that really affects everybody. it is not fair to anybody. im at the point where i have to decide if i want to live in a house ruled by a preeteen that has serious emotional issues or i want to have her and DH go....
Wow, do I ever agree! I have
Wow, do I ever agree! I have found 12-15 really tough with girls ... I'm sure it's tough for them, but it really is a kind of soul-destroying activity with little or no reward. Maybe grandkids someday. :? My husband is strict with my SD - she's 14 - but since he started working nights, I'm the only parent around. I don't know how to extricate myself from my situation, so when I read about this situation, I think: leave. Live separately. It has got to be a better life than what's going on now.
I am in the exact same boat
I am in the exact same boat as you. This is my first day one here and I have posted my first post today. I am so tired of the drama...talking till I'm blue in the face...done all I know to do...ugh! I'm tired of all this frustration ruling my life. I hate you are going through this, but encouraged that's it's not just me!
It's so easy to tell you the
It's so easy to tell you the obvious - separate them out of your house, even if you live non-traditionally with two households and remain married. What is easy to say is not what is easy to do.
You see the problem is your DH won't tell her the hard no's, and he probably doesn't want you to do it either. So the child rules the roost through behavior and attitude.
If you've already talked and talked with your husband about it and nothing ever changes, your only alternative may be separate homes. I suppose you have full custody because the mom is unable to care for SD, would moving SD to another relative be an option?
See if one of the books at
See if one of the books at Amazon.com deals with his problem.
Mark that chapter and tell him to read the whole book and pay special attention tho that chapter. Tell him you're at your wits end and if he can't see how he needs to change his parenting skills then he will not only lose you but raise a crippled daughter. One who thinks its all about her.
Hello there. This is a great
Hello there. This is a great forum isn't it? So few people know what it is like. I am in a similar situation but only 50%. I used to think that was too much until I read people like you with 100%.
We have been in our blended situation for nearly 3 years from 13 to 16. I cannot tell you I have done everything right and yes it has been stressful. However there are some things that do work.
Do not turn this on yourself and your ability to cope. This was a bad situation already. Not your fault. Do not nag and never lower your standards. If she is disrespectful to yourself or your children then you have to say something to her, not just attack him. I made that mistake over and over.
Agree with the advice. Get out if you can. Wish I could.
Get some space mentally and disengage. Good luck to you if you can get space physically but be careful of her sense of power if she thinks you are running and she has won.
At every opportunity make DH own the issue. The only
hi freshstart, your post is
hi freshstart, your post is truncated at the end and i was soooo into it. it sounds like you have found some peace with the situation, and i would love to hear more.
i have found a better place than before when i was trying to "change" her, "change" him and everybody was going crazy...that is the phase i called "trying to make a family", now im a phase i call "trying to have a marriage".
im putting my energy in my husband and in my son (both are quite healthy people at heart)but it is very stressful to be in my house, i hate all the passive agressive things, all the litle games, it is a quiet war zone...i dont like it a bit.
the physical space helps, but yes ,you are right, it kind of seems like the house is hers and i stop by once i na while and the reality is that the breaks i take from her, i also have to take from DH, so, at the end of the story, i spend less time with my husband..the situation sucks. i really try to make the best out of it.
DH is weak, she is manipulative, im tired. not a good combo....im sooo tired.
to give you a bit of perspective:
100% custody for the last 7 years, no extended family at all, ZERO. BM a mess, no more family around. DH a bit of an absent dad, me your typical "i fix the problem" kind of gal...you can probably write the story of my last 7 years, you can imagine it all, cant you. so the question is : can you give me some advice? some of those things that worked for you?...remember... you have about 25% of my problem, you have your Skids 50% of the time and for only 3 years...give me some wisdom from a less exhausted point of view. thanks
Ah the dark cloud of a moody
Ah the dark cloud of a moody SD who has daddy wrapped around her finger. I am so glad my SD16 moved after living with us a couple of months. I could never let her return. I'd leave first.
So sorry you are going through this. The only thing I have found that helps is to just stay away from SD and SD/SO's interactions. Too frustrating to be around and plus if he spends enough time with her, he gets frustrated with her too (unless she's in her daddys good girl mode).
With all the traveling you are doing, where is your BS while you are gone? I can't imagine he wants to be left alone with all of it either.
Oh My God! I totally get that
Oh My God! I totally get that "Daddy's good girl" mode you're talking about. Ultra annoying! I have my SO 17 year old daughter around every 2 weeks. Just kills my mood on most days, so I stay upstairs.
Hey Amy the staying upstairs.
Hey Amy the staying upstairs. Does it work? does your DH notice. I am thinking of fixing the office upstairs this weekend so I can escape every second week too.
And they call it a "Man Cave"
And they call it a "Man Cave" Screw that, we need a "Step Cave!" :?
I've done this before, where
I've done this before, where I've gone upstairs to get away from the toxic atmosphere that the SDs bring. I then find out they complain to mommy because I'm "avoiding them and don't like them". Damned if I do, damned if don't. At least if I do, I have some peace!
Hi Dalhia I really feel for
Hi Dalhia I really feel for you on the 7 years at 100% gig. Any chance to get a change on the 100%? Is the mother not physically able or something? You are using the word exhausted and I worry about that for you. Its the adjective that I use when it means hey I'm about to lose it. I was also worred for your BS depending on his age. I have a BS of 4 and the SD16 has been through a number of stages towards him.
If only we know how Helena.Handbag moved SD out at 16? This is genius. What on earth do you pull out of the hat to achieve that? I am not kidding, I would ove to knoe. My SD16 does nothing but sit in the middle of our place luxuriating in her life of leisure. Her BM seems to manage to get her out to have sleepovers at their home but we don't get that lucky.
I feel for you. I will write about any practical idea that worked. The thing is that it is hard to account for how much the breathing space helps. You don't get that space and time in your house.
Hello again Dahlia. Here are
Hello again Dahlia. Here are some practical ideas that hit the mark at our place. Funny the simpler ones ended up working the best. Neither father or daughter appear capable of the bigger picture e.g. honest and open communication. I gave up on that ages ago.
Maybe these might spark a similar win for you? Hard to know because my little step wierdo may be very different to your little step wierdo.
1) Father/daughter activity.
My SD16 (back when she was 13) seemed to have her role confused with that of a mini-wife. I analysed stuff they did because they lived alone together for 50% of 18 months and realised he thought he was dragging a little girl around everywhere with him because he had to, she thought they were partnering. Picking furniture, grocery shopping, going to restaurants, going on holidays, going to movies, his Birthday party with his friends, New Year's eve together. Silly DH. I feel angry just writing that list.
I recommended 1 activity each weekend that was sporting or ative or just really much closer to the father/daughter mark. He did nothing to change. Then I suggested they could go to a golf driving range for an hour. He did it once I gave him an idea that was concrete (can you believe this man runs a large organisation?). Now I have recommended adding an independent golf lesson for her and he is delighted as he goes off and has some time to himself too.
Outcome: I get the house to myself for 3 hours every Saturday afternoon. Bliss. I get some time alone with my son if he is with me or I just relax and read if he is with his Dad.
2) Independence building activities
My SD16 was a mollycoddled bludger who had never caught public transport or made her own fun. I recommended simply that she catch a bus one day a week, then twice, then oh my goodness three times.
Outcome: A lot of resistance and sulking from SD16. She went to Mum one more night a fortnight because catching a bus 3 afternoons a week was just all too hard. We are freed up from rushing away from work 2 afternoons a week. Madam is a bit more aware of her status as a teenage school goer that catches a bus not a lady of leisure that is picked up and dropped everywhere.
3) Pocket money
I had a bad situation. My DH was paying his daughter $100/week at 13 with no tasks required in return. I recommended he allocate $40/week of that to her with a set of tasks agreed to match and then bank $60/week and make her aware that is for a car or travel when she graduates school and that she will not got more money to do both. She gets one or other.
I hope your situation is better. I keep hearing that tasks that they get paid for is the answer for entitled ones. It worked for my brother and I when we were that age. We are both very hard working people now. Hope you have a chance to influence getting that right.
The key with each of these things was to convince DH it was a wonderful idea and in fact his idea.
These were just 3 that worked. Others did not. i have had a lot of failures. Many of her manipulations and lies have been successful in avoiding actual work or getting out of the house and haveing a life like a normal teenager.
Honestly at the moment I am full of anger and resentment that I have had to push for every change and just am sick of it. We go to a counsellor where he reports in on his progress and she tells him he is a fabulous Dad. I sometimes want to stand up and scream at them both, "This is all my hard work.".
Cannot say I am winning. just surviving. There are times though when I feel very positive because of DH's progress because I love him.
Sounds like you are like me and need to see progress or you go nuts. Other people on this site just disengage. That is brilliant if you are capable of it. I have had some successful patches of it. I read "Step Monster" by Wednesday Martin. It is fantastic. I must read it again.
Good luck.
My SD is 17. It doesn't
My SD is 17. It doesn't change...
I feel for you all. I'm in
I feel for you all. I'm in the same boat but right now have a reprieve since DH & SD aren't speaking to each other. Sure, I felt guilty at first seeing their relationship tumble downward but right now? I'm enjoying being myself in my own house. I'm enjoying having DH and peace and quiet. I know it's going to be short-lived, so I'm just living it up while I can.
And Freshstart's observation hit home for me. DH & SD had a place to themselves for a year before I came along. I think she thought she was a mini-wife too. She helped him pick out furnishings, silverware, table linens, shower curtains, decorations, etc for "their" apartment and was living there alone with him every other night, spending every other night with her mom 1/2 mile away. I think she thought that's just the way it was going to remain and was taking on more of a gf/wife role with daddy. They had a weird attachment when I first met them. She would hold his hand fingers interlaced in a lover's lock. She always sat on his lap or right next to him and didn't like to be out of his sight for a minute. She tried spooning with him on the floor and asked to sleep in his room at night. She was 11 at the time. She'll be 14 next weekend. It was weird to say the least...
Daddy's good girl mode is the
Daddy's good girl mode is the worst. Every second week. Me too!
Why why why.
Why all the acting?
Why all the daddy's good girl stuff?
Why is everything about daddy?
I totally understand how you
I totally understand how you feel...my SD12 lives with us full time but she is hardly ever there...she goes hopping from friend's house to aunt's house to grandma's house and might spend 1-2 nights a week at home (her excuse is that our house is boring). When she is home...she is in total control. She is so annoying and needy...totally pathetic...just exactly like BM (who is bareley even in the picture). It is very hard indeed.
Sorry to say but I have been
Sorry to say but I have been dealing with your situation for 2 years now as my SD is now 14...it is most likely not going to get better. I find it hard b/c I love her dad so much but she is bipolar and drama drama drama and our lives revolve around her and he must make her happy...if you want your life simplified...well...it's not going to get easier but if you want to work it out there is help...it is a big sacrifice though for sure. good luck
DH here wanted the changes, I
DH here wanted the changes, I agree with you that it has to be from within. I had to go subtly and pick my battles for a while though. Then I disengaged and let him feel the full brunt of what they are like. DH is still in denial mode at times, I get that parents will defend their kids too. They now know that daddy is in charge and they'd better do as he asks!
I know that DH has my back with them now.
In the same boat with
In the same boat with SS....toxic is right!
"Unhealthy inappropriate
"Unhealthy inappropriate attachment." Love it.
Also going to quote the counsellor we saw "She is mourning the lost primacy of her attachment to her divorced daddy but it's time she got over it."
If the parent cannot see it and will not improve, they do not deserve you.
Once I believed that I deserved to be put first, everything started improving. I never had to say it. Just started believing it on the inside.