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with the hand on your heart...

dalhia's picture

ask yourself, how can I live in the same house of a kid that is not being properly educated, loved and raised and just see it happen?

it is almost a moral dilemma. as women and as parents , we have that sixth sense, that instinct that tells us DANGER DANGER or a radar that help us educate our kids. i truly believe that guys lack that big time.
my situation is that I see my DH with VERY good intentions trying to educate and guide his daughter (my SD12). this girl is a pain in the butt as most of our lovely SD's are. I’m not here defending her or attacking her, the reality is that she is a hard preteen and that DH has no clue what to do. She is headed right for teen trouble...and here I’m seeing it all. I’m not saying that i hold the absolute truth but the signs are clear and I cant do anything about it. That fact weighs in my heart.
Personally, I think SD12 is very manipulative, and many other things but she is 12 and she s going thu a lot of changes in her life right now. Dad cannot talk to her…is one of those guys that cant talk emotions….,me: SD hates me and will never com to me after I disengaged 1 year ago. The only person she talks to is BM who is not a good source of advice or a guide of anything (DUI’s, drugs, lives I nsomebody’s basement living off of welfare, not a example of anything)
So…this girl is really lonely, confused and full of needs and in deep need of real healthy attention. I see it, I have told DH in many ways…but then again he does what he can.
The question is: apart from how much of a pain in the butt they are, they are children in need of guidance, and as stepparents we are told not to do anything “not your kid, not your problem” right?, so we simply look the other way and say things like “is her dad’s problem”, but the other side of the coin is that is a child that lives in your house (in my case 100%) and that is headed in the wrong direction. What does one do as a caring human being? No step parent, parent, cousin or whatever…as a PERSON
If you do nothing at all…then…. how do you live with that???

tweetybird74's picture

This is a difficult situation. IMO I would be stepping in ( I know many will disagree). My DH is very good at parenting but at times can go a little over board in the discipline area and other times be too lenient. He has always been very open to me discussing with him these issues and I will tell him if I feel he has gone to far or not far enough. Not that it changes his mind but he is open to it. As for my SS, my DH does all the disciplining, unless he does something right in front of me and DH is not there. I have worked very hard (with the help of DH) to build a relationship with SS where he knows I am someone he can come to, to discuss things he does not want to discuss with his dad or that when I give him advise etc, I am someone he knows will be honest and tell him what I think is best. I personally do not agree with disengaging, I have also been fortunate enough to have a DH that is supportive and stood up for me, and BM is pretty non-existant. If this was not the situation then I am not sure I would feel the same way. They are after all kids and they need adults to guide them and show them what is right from wrong. It is unfortunate to see how BM's and even BD's behave after a divorce and how they handle their kids.
Have you suggested to DH that maybe SD would benefit from a therapist?

smdh's picture

If only their actual PARENTS were doing something as A PERSON!

Yes, as a person, as a mother, as a stepmother, as my dh's wife, I see his kid has issues and think "her life is going to suck when she gets older because of her attitude", but then I also think "too bad her actual MOTHER is teaching her that she can be a snot and expect people to kiss her ass".

As a human I don't want her to be miserable. As a mother, I want her to have a good life. As my dh's wife I want her to be successful and not expect us to bail her ass out of whatever mess she gets herself into. As a stepmother....I back the hell off and preserve myself and protect my child. The bottom line is if her parents (my dh is good, but he is still male and doesn't understand the manipulation) don't want those things for her enough to help her, then I have no chance of changing her.

If her mother would wake up and do something FOR her daughter instead of doing things TO us, they'd both be better off, but since everything negative in both their lives is somehow our fault....

Orange County Ca's picture

"ask yourself, how can I live in the same house of a kid that is not being properly educated, loved and raised and just see it happen"?

Because you can't save them all. By recognizing that in certain situations you are helpless you can then transfer your efforts to something where you can make a difference. Maybe its just feeding the homeless at the Armory but at least you're not wasting your time.