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Would you be irritated?

MissJulsie's picture

I haven't been on here in a while.

Right off the bat....just putting it out there..... I am one of the stepmothers on this site who does NOT like her stepchild in any way, shape of form, and has nothing to do with him (SS) . Say what you will about that, as I know I'm well and truly not the only one here. In fact, when SS comes to stay every other weekend, I go and stay at my parents.

However, 3 months ago, my fiancé and I got married. Luckily, SS is now 12, and was admittedly very well behaved all day. (Not that I really paid much attention, I just focused on my own friends and family )

He was well behaved...... Except for the fact that he either glared or scowled at the camera in some of the family photos. Well, sorry, but it's rude to glare or scowl in a photo.

I brought this up with my (new) husband.

His response was this: "Oh my God, I'm not even going to discuss this, this is so petty!"

And then he went on to justify and excuse it, by pointing out other people in some of the group shots where staring at the camera with a serious expression. That's what I call clutching at straws.

What do you think? Bearing in mind, that this is a very much-loved, very well looked after and very well treated child, who has families on both his dads and mums side, who dote on him, spoil him, and take him to their beach houses on a regular basis.

What is there to scowl about?

Glassslipper's picture

That's BOTH DS and SS so in all their photos they are:
Half smile: look like they had a stroke and one side of their face is paralyzed
Serious smile:look like they are pooping their pants!
Yea, my wedding photos too have stroke and poo pants from both the boys, oh well, lol, I hung the photos up anyhow.

MissJulsie's picture

tommar24365, I decided that since I don't' actually see SS - 99.99% of the time- , then why should I miss out on marrying someone, because of a person that I virtually never see. ?

In the extremely unlikely event that BM dies, then she has already decided that SS will go and live with HER mother.

classyNJ's picture

Is your DH ok with his son going to live with BM's mom if BM passes?? What if your DH wants his son to live with him?

Disneyfan's picture

BM can't just decide where the kid goes if she dies. As soonnas she takes her last breath, dad can (and should) take full custody of his child.

If this man married you knowing how you feel about his child, and is OK with you leaving every time the kid is there, then I don't blame him for reacting the way he did about the pictures. It comes across as petty and you just looking for something to complain about.

MissJulsie's picture

Echo, your profile says that you're a Step and a Bio mother. But this is a Bio free zone. Why are you here?

Glassslipper's picture

On our first family vacation after we started dating, SD who was only 3, would lean WAY out of the way when we did group photos so that she would get cut out of the photo.
At first it bothered me, i didn't understand why a 3 year old would do that, but DH was all "oh well, whatever, let her be cut out of the photos then"
So she was, didn't bother the rest of us after that was said.

hereiam's picture

Nothing you can do about it now. You brought it up to your DH and expected what?

Sure, it might be irritating but certainly not uncommon for kids that age to not be "picture perfect" in pictures.

Abby1979's picture

We just had our family photos done for the first time. My ss9 looked like he was in pain unless it was a pic with just his dad or his sister. He then threw a temper tantrum because he was ready to leave. Yes I was irritated. But then again my own ds16 hasn't took a good pic smiling in years unless I make him laugh. So partly I think it's a boy thing.

Indigo's picture

I'm sorry that you believe your wedding photos were ruined by Ss12 not photographing well. I'll bet it was lovely. My BS has consistently "not smiled" 'cuz he thought his teeth looked goofy; othertimes he was just awkward & self conscious --- told me didn't have a good smile so he didn't. I have wanted to retake school pics & family pics more than once because of BS awkwardness. My SGD12 is worse for either extreme smiling or looking as if she has hemorroids.

In addition to the Sad typical awkward kid pics, kids do understand when someone actively dislikes them and makes a major production of never being around them. Kids may not be able to translate the adults behavior effectively. Such as, it's about the grownup, not the kid. They tend to internalize fault. Pity that boy when you decide to have your 'own family.'

Guess I shouldn't post here either ...

twoviewpoints's picture

"He was well behaved...... Except for the fact that he either glared or scowled at the camera in some of the family photos. Well, sorry, but it's rude to glare or scowl in a photo. "

Be glad the kid was well behaved. Be glad it was "some" photos.

You can be as "irritated " as you please. As your DH states, other people are not at their best in all other photos either. Are you equally as irritated with hose people as you are with your SS? If not, yes you're being petty and just looking for things to b*tch about with the SS.

I imagine if DH would have allowed you to have your way, SS would not of been invited or allowed to attend in the first place. You make no bones about disliking the SS for merely existing. Be glad he's actually a good kid and all that happened on your wedding day was a few photos you don't care for.

Indigo's picture

OP does not want to try. She's actively avoided stepchild to the point of relocating EOWE ... then weds & thinks this is a good thing. Disengagement before marriage.

BM better not be in a car accident ... SS is up the creek already even before the "our" babies hit the ground.

TwoOfUs's picture

My oldest SD used to always glare / scowl in photos and it drove me crazy. She probably still does, but she quit coming over as soon as she turned 18, so I haven't had to pose with her in a little over a year. Yay! I hate getting my pic taken and people always tell me I look too serious bc I freeze up. Oldest SD is likely the same...and basically goes through life glaring, so shy should pics be any different.

SS and youngest SD are total hams who make goofy faces and take a lot of selfies. All in all, I prefer this...but they each have several faces they do that I can't stand...that make me like them less, actually. They both have this smug, arrogant face they do that I despise. Especially on SS...he let's his eyes get kind of vacant and mugs at the camera with his mouth partially a d-bag frat boy in training. In real life, he's actually kind of a sweetheart, but he looks like an a$$ whenever he does this go-to face. I pointed it out to my husband...and it made him defensive. If I was doing something that made me look idiotic and unlikable, I'd want someone who cared about me to tell me!

Say this to say...I do think pictures are a sensitive blended family issue for some reason. I get along well with skids, but sometimes I look at photos they post on FB and my gut reaction is: "Gross!"

TwoOfUs's picture

So...irritated? Yeah, most likely I would...but it wouldn't necessarily be rational and I wouldn't necessarily act on my irritation. There are thoughts I occasionally have about skids that DH doesn't need to know. As long as we're on the same page about rules of the house, finances, boundaries with BM, etc., I can let my less gracious feelings go, how dumb the skids make their dumb faces in photos Wink That kind of stuff I just talk about here when I need to vent!

If I were you...I'd see if there weren't some other source for my frustration / annoyance. Does the skid's photo face annoy you bc you and your husband aren't on the same page about some bigger blended family issue? Going on 6 years in here...and I would say I have an enviable marriage for the most part. But I do know that my patience for skids is always lowest when I'm feeling resentful of DH or frustrated with his behavior.

MissJulsie's picture

For the record everyone :
I went out of my way for YEARS to try and be a wonderful step-mum to SS . I did pickups, songs, lollies, stories, Sunday school, birthday parties, birthday presents, Christmas presents, parent teacher interviews ..... And it all got thrown back in my face , with spoilt, ungrateful, disrespectful and disobedient behaviour from him. It got thrown back in my face with defensive, sooky, weak and undermining lack of support from DH, who totally lacked back bone with his child. It got thrown back in my face with aggressive, verbally abusive and bullying behaviour from my husbands father. It got thrown back in my face from BM, with two-faced, double-crossing and inconsistent behaviour. It all got thrown back in my face with rejection and judgement from DH's sister.

2. I don't mind people posting here (even if they have bio kids). The only reason why I said that, was because I wanted to call 'Echo' out on at least something. I used to post on here more often, but Echo, and other posters have been so incredibly nasty, and vicious, that it's not worth turning to this site for help at all.

MissJulsie's picture


MissJulsie's picture

And I don't know why I get so criticised for not liking my step kid when I have read countless , countless, countless posts here by others all saying that and worse. THEY don't get criticised for some reason.

WalkOnBy's picture

no one is criticizing you for not liking your skids. Hell, most of us don't.

You are getting criticized for picking on normal teenage/tweenage behavoir.

and, you sound like a brat.

Adinah's picture

DH should at least be willing to discuss any issue, no matter how "petty" it may seem.
Aside from that, about the picture, a kid is going to act out for whatever reason (defiance, attention, being a brat, etc). Is there a way to hone in on one of these reasons and work towards something as a behavior in general rather than a specific event (ie not participating/behaving properly during family time).