I was warned. And now I loathe myself
Disclaimer: this loathing does not even touch the child. She is innocent to all of this.
I made a post a few months back spilling my guts about stepparenting, if I'm eligible to be one, and others standards of me and my level of care. Things have taken an interesting, odd and frustrating turn. Frustrating due to the fact that I did not see this coming.
I left off with people advising me to leave my partner or at least put my foot down and tell them all I was done with the judgemental garbage. I tried the latter. The flare really went off when I snapped about the BM, and my partner snickered "why don't you grow a pair and say that to her face", to which I fired back "why don't YOU?!". It wasn't funny after that and I feel that i gained maybe an inch of ground. I fought my family to accept my daughter, (they had made her the butt of jokes and didn't acknowledge us a family, often telling me I needed to be gentle and sympathetic towards her mother.)
In short, my nerves are shot. And I feel like it's too late. Not for the baby.
1).The intimacy is dying, there's no love making, it just feels like one of us are teens trying to finish. I know that sounds horrible, but he says that's how him and bm did it and that's just how it is. I don't wanna teach someone how to make love and I know I sound like an ass for it.
2).He calls me his "old lady". I was already feeling weird about aging. It doesn't make me feel like a young 25 year old.
3). Firstly, I will always be appreciative of all the financial help he has given me. I really am. And that he takes care of me in illness. That's why I feel like an ass bringing this up- I was really sick two weeks ago on campus and he offered to bring me Gatorade and soup. He drove there and made the soup and tucked me in. His parting remark was "you're such a spoiled little brat". That hurt. Anytime he has tried to give me money I politely decline, to which he assures me it's for school, and that he insists I take it. My job has made pay cuts so he uses that as a reason as well. After the spoiled remark I wanna cry everytime he attempts to give me money, I feel like a gold digger. I try my hardest to stay away from that particular conversation. I don't appreciate the remarks. Of course I wish I made enough money for all 3 of us, but I don't.
4). Anytime I decline him doing kind gestures for me (sometimes in the form of purchases) he takes on a tone that is penalizing- "Alright, don't say I didn't try to help". I wanna hold my own so you won't call me a spoiled brat, but I don't wanna feel penalized of i try to hold me own. It's a perpetual circle of frustration.
5). I wish he would back me in my attempts to parent and create structure. Baby doesnt need to go to bed with a tablet or cell phone every night. She needs to communicate with children her age to develope social skills. The adults in her life should do activities with her, not rudely snap at her shove a tablet in her face to keep quiet, because now she is dependent on it to go to bed. Which, she isn't even sleeping anymore. She needs to eat actual food, not just cookies all the time, or suckers. She needs to be spoken to with respect. She is a tiny human that needs some compassion.
6). His father makes sexual remarks about me to the other male members of his family. Not ok.
7). He wants to have a baby NOW. But wants to wait another 3 years to get married. But makes sure I know that "my biological clock is ticking". I reason that it is easier to divorce as we have always been, leave with what we came in with, and go our separate ways, than to go through a battle with a another tiny human. I told him that I want to be his wife, not another baby mama. I apologize if that offends, it's just my feelings.
7). We. Are. Never. Alone. I got that from day one. But three years! Not once. His parents says that we are parents now and dating is over. But we still watch his sister when they go out.
I can't keep pushing all my wants back for him. He says that he doesn't want to get married yet, or he just wants to get out over with. He sucks the enjoyment out of planning. He tells me I can show back or cleavage in my dress, because the men in his family will find me loose. When we are looking for a place, me and him are getting the small room so his buddy can have the master bathroom. Not only that, he wants baby to share a room as well. A court stipulated that she MUST have her own space. She is a little lady and deserves her own room. His response was that "im not gonna push my buddy out". He talks of taking in room mates (um, hell no.) Man or woman, I don't know if they are sickos or not! I can't pick the music, the baby names, (because he let his bm pick all the last ones for baby and it's his turn now). I'm frustrated with myself because I don't wanna do this. My family just started accepting them and I wanna scream. Before anything is said, they said some messed up stuff about baby and made me feel at fault for her parents split.
It's too late. I love them, but he is so stubborn. I would love to remain a fixture in her life. But how? 3 years and I've finally snapped in half and I hate it.