You are here

Seeking help

Jane1Doe's picture

Before I start this, I just want to state a few things that I've been addressed on to skip the pleasantries and get right to the issue:

I am not married to the father, but I have known him for 8 years now. We met in high school, where we became very good friends and had a very healthy and deep friendship. After years, we tried to date. The feelings were always there, we both simply feared that if dating went up in flames, it would rock the friendship. So we gave it a go, and only lasted a week after he was seeing his ex on the side after she split from him. I was hurt, but if they are meant to be, that's how it was gonna be. I wished them luck and said if they wanted us to be friends again (after some space and time for them to let their relationship settle), that was fine. They agreed and said they wanted that as well.

I heard of their pregnancy through facebook, and was very excited for them. I had shopped for yarn to make them a baby blanket, neutral because it was still too early to tell the gender. A few months went by and I went to ask if the gender for the gift to find out I had been blocked, only by the father. As selfish as it sounds, I was disappointed but I silently knew what transpired between them. I dealt with that mess of feelings and decided if this was what they needed to be happy, so be it. Happy couple, happy baby. I left for college and soon forgot about him, had a good time, made good grades and even explored the US. Around the spring, I received a friend request from the Father. I was wary, but accepted,to which he said he was happy I let him back in without being mad. I simply told him that if his BM didn't like I us talking then he needed to leave the conversation (I was not going through the rollercoaster). He kept leading into that they were split and kept asking me to remember all the good times we had. He said he regretted going behind my back and that he missed me. This is were the regular flag is being raised to me, because to me at the time it just sounded a bit disingenuine. 

 

I wished him luck with him and his child, to which he started in on BM, saying that they had finally split because he was not the only man in their relationship, on more than one occasion. To add to that, she began to experiment in drug because she wanted to have break for her birthday. (All his words). He wanted better for the child, and I wished him the best of luck.

He persisted. I resisted, becoming less and less effective each time. This man was once my best friend, then the one who made my heartbeat erratic just by holding me. I always knew him to be a good man before it went up in flames. He later told me that BM told him that if he didn't carry on with her behind me and then leave, that she would ingest as many pills as she could if he ever looked my way or came my way again. 

Well, I am child of divorce. I knew very well this was a marriage of hidden bear traps and land mines waiting to happen. It is tricky, I watched adults stop to levels, try to sway me with gifts, manipulation. I picked on it at a young age. I would simply clam up and keep my feelings to myself. I also knew there was two sides to every story. Same with the father and BM. So I did not draw any personal conclusions on either at the time and waited to see how this would unfold. 

 

He wanted to reunite, as friends, but soon it became clear he wanted to go back to the good days, I still refused his advances. I explicitly told him I would not meet the child without the BM's permission, separated or not. It took two to tango. Until I had that permission, no meeting between me or the child. On that I put my down firmly despite his protests. 

We began to lightly and slowly dating, me asking if I was impeding on any time between him and his child, of so, our date could wait. I did enjoy stories about her over dinner though. His eyes sparkled and his world lit up. That gave me a small hope. 

I finally met her at 4 months old. She had just woken up from a nap and started me down, the only way a child can, with unabashed and innocent honesty. It unnerved me, what if she hated my guts, I didn't want to be Daddys "evil" girlfriend. Still, I knew it was wrong to assume her emotions, and that children must be allowed to draw their emotional decisions and conclusions about those around them. Well, BM caught wind while the father was giving her a ride to Walmart, went berserk. Saying I had no business with her child (she was couch hopping at the time, because her and her bf broke up). I once again offered to back off. She told me I was nothing and she would get her man and baby back. I had refused to get serious for about 5 months for this very reason. If there was any hope to keep a family together, the child would be better off.  I would go when ever the order came. 

No such order came. BM was in and out prison, the baby began to warm up to me. A few months later, her Father and I began dating officially. We got of support from our friends that knew us. I constantly asked how he fed her? how long did she nap? What are her allergies?

I was not trying to take BM's place, but if she is going to be around me, it would be foolish not to know these things so I could be knowledgeable of her habits and things that could hurt her. It was all for her. I fell in love with her before I fell in love with the father (different kinds of love, obviously) I had come to see that he was an exceptional father, mature beyond the years of those around us. I knew that despite past misgivings, he was still a good man. 

Baby's first birthday is rolling around, so I call up the Father and ask when we are going to hold the second party. He is confused, and I tell him that he and BM should be present on her actual birthday, which is also the party. I would wait till the weekend. He reaches out to her and repeatedly stated if I am there or attempting to throw one of my own she will not come, period, so if Baby wanted to see her, I needed to stay far away or everyone would know whose fault it was. 

I agreed, and just helped with the party planning. I picked up the cake, supplies, and had my gift for her already tucked away. I found out that even if I was dropping things off, she still wouldn't come. She said that I ruined the party before I started and never showed up. It wasn't my place, but I went and got her gift and brought it back to her. I got her a shirt that says "My first birthday" and she had a great birthday. I've never seen a smile so big.

It got worse, the father began getting messages asking why he would date a girl who beat and ignored the baby. I was gobsmacked, hurt and infuriated. I kept it in and channeled into love for the child. One big one was that I was begging the father to send the baby away because I hated her, I just wanted to steal her baby because I was jealous of her, I wanted her Father all to myself. I was called a wh*** for tearing their family apart. It went on for some time, but I never lashed back, the baby didn't need a toxic environment.

Fast forward to this past summer. Father and BM got into an argument where she screamed at him that she hoped my uterus would rot and fall out, that no child would ever survive a pregnancy inside of me so I would know how it felt to lose a baby. I felt hurt at that, because at this point I was helping baby count, sing, eat, bathe, colors. I read her bed time stories, I was making sure baby grew up with the whole world at her hands, brains and kindness, and she hopes that my child will die? She had not lost her baby, she was there for the taking whenever, I always offered to remove myself if that's how she wanted to spend time with baby. I tried to swallow it down, telling myself maybe she was just hurting and needed time to adjust. 

Soon she got out and would drop by unexpectedly to see baby (no problems here). Once I was dropping off groceries to baby's house (grandma was there) and boom there she is. I was a bit thrown off, but smiled and asked how she was doing. She turned her head and ignored me. Baby wanted me to pick her up and I was stuck between what had become natural and looking to BM  for permission. I told her I would see her later to which BM rolled her eyes and swooped her up. A few months later, on a visitation, her mother ran with baby out of state. Father wasdevastated, and as selfish as it is, I was too. They were not married when baby was born, so the police could do nothing accept arrange a court date. Well, they dug up everything they could on me and the Father, which led to zilch. That stacked against her numerous drug and theft charges led to a unanimous decision, and baby came home. Baby started calling me mommy. I told the father and his family not to force that on her, it needed to be her decision, that if need be I could always be her Jane, and she could have BM too. I never wanted her to feel pressured to pick. To this day she still calls me mommy. My family doesn't approve, and neither does BM's. I get it. Touchy territory. 

One girl in his family sought me out to tell me I'll never be a mother. Until I had a biological baby, I wasn't a mother, and that's how it will always be. She urged me to go away so baby could be with BM. I kept quiet because the Father said nothing, and that hurt. He never could stand up to her, she would insult me in front of him and would say nothing. I asked him, he said it wasn't important and he didn't wanna fight her. lately the tune has changed as BM started demanding that I do all for her baby(acceptable and understandable). But if I even mess up a little, like if baby's hair is messy, she will tell the father and then he will say something to me about taking better care of her. 

I know stepparents get a bad rep. So what I'm going to say before the hate floods in:

1. I am aware that I did not give birth to baby/nor are entitled any parental rights to her.

2. I will never be her mother.

3. I am replaceable and cannot screw up.

4. Baby and Father come before my feelings.

5. That includes BM, if BM isn't happy I've done wrong. 

6. There is no competition between baby and I, that is sick. 

7. Am to freak no child after her different and I am not to reprimand her. 

8. If Baby wants me gone at any point, I am to leave.

 

Lately the discipline is a big thing. I do not touch baby, who is 2 now. The terrible twos have set in. I know this happens to all parents and I don't lose my temper on children. But I firmly and lovingly told baby that she needs to take a nap (her father already put her down twice, so he told me to try). I did not yank her up, but carried her with care each time. Well, baby flies into tantrum and is swinging and kicking, trying to land a hit to me. I understand that she is simply trying to process all these new feelings, and will eventually learn. Well, the Father tells me to not put her to bed again, because I was too aggressive and mean, voice getting defensive. It hurt. He picks her back up and let's her stay up while she looks at me like I've stabbed her, and that hurt worse. The non existent support from my family and the community was hard enough to deal with lately  but now he won't let me put her to bed or rock her to sleep. I know it's his child. But now he has began to act like I can't do anything. He told me my job is to keep her happy, which only confuses me because just the day before he came down on me for not spanking her. I don't even physically reprimand my nieces and nephew. It's not my place.

I feel a bit alone in this. I feel like she won't trust me anymore. I feel like a monster, and BM agrees. He has stopped disciplining her all together. She swings and yells at me and he just watches and becomes irritated if I tell her it's not nice. If she does it to him she gets torn up.  I just need some communication. I want the best for baby, and we need to be a team because he told me he's planning on marrying me. This all needs major work before we form any family or create more children, which his pushing me to have. But when I ask about the discipline of the second child, he says they are gonna get the hell smacked out at them if they act up, but he says there's no reason to discipline baby, because she is just spirited. 

I just feel selfish for not being able to agree or getting defensive at the thought of one kid receiving the punishment the other was safe from. It's nothing towards baby, it's the father I am confused with. I need some advice. I know she needs extra love and she is his first baby, but don't we have to set boundaries somewhere? I've contemplated having a baby of my own because I fear it will be seen as selfish, and that baby won't feel important any more. I would rather have no bio kids than her feel like she never got enough love. 

 

futurobrillante99's picture

Oh sweetheart. I couldn’t finish this but halfway through, I know this is a cluster bleep Of a relationship. Please run.

Jane1Doe's picture

It's starting to get messier. I love her, but I don't wanna spend the next 70 years being the one everyone hates. 

I just wanted a little more support from him, and he wants another baby NOW. I have to keep asking him to please wait till I graduate college, and I find a good job. I wanna believe it can all work out, but I can't be the only pushing for peace and structure.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

with a man who says this, "But when I ask about the discipline of the second child, he says they are gonna get the hell smacked out at them if they act up..."

 

Jane1Doe's picture

That's what has thrown me off. I ask him straight forward what are the plans for discipline looking like? He responded with the above. 

 

That is a major draw back to me, so there is absolutely no talk of babies right now. 

Jzone's picture

Jane1Doe, I just can't imagine this going well for you. If you don't have complete support from this man and his family, you will always be on the losing end. Here are some blunt repsonses to your comments above, for what they are worth.

1. I am aware that I did not give birth to baby/nor are entitled any parental rights to her.
If you are her father's life partner, you have rights. Not the same as a parent, but you have rights.

2. I will never be her mother.
You are right there, but she might see you that way. 

3. I am replaceable and cannot screw up.
You WILL screw up. We all do at some point. Don't set your expectations impossibly high. If you and her father can't deal with some screw ups along the way, this is not going to work.

4. Baby and Father come before my feelings.
I encourage you to feel and acknowledge your feelings, no matter how messy they may be. Yes, baby's relationship with her father comes first, but that doesn't mean your feelings are worth nothing.

5. That includes BM, if BM isn't happy I've done wrong. 
NO. It sounds to me like BM will never be happy. Her happiness is not your responsibility.

6. There is no competition between baby and I, that is sick. 
Correct.

7. Am to treat no child after her different and I am not to reprimand her. 
You damn well should reprimand her. She needs adult role-modeling and clear boundaries from you and all the adults in her life. Having your own child with her father is questionable.

8. If Baby wants me gone at any point, I am to leave.
Again, NO. Children should not be given this much power. If you are loving and respectful towards her and her father, she can learn to live with that. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

...read what you've written above and then be willing to hear what they have to tell you.  People who have YOUR back will tell you the truth and will warn you off of this relationship, I am certain.

At your age, your primary focus should be finishing your college degree and beginning a career.  Not being embroiled in this sh!t show of domestic drama and rushing into possible parenthood yourself.  Especially when you are not ready for it.  Double that with this weak-willed and immature "boy."

As you expand your horizons in the big wide world you will undoubtedly run across plenty of young men who are not already fathers and who would make a fine, supportive partner for you.  Go out and find him, this guy is not it.  

Amcc13's picture

so I read all the way through - it took a bit to get through and understand it all. 

I have many concerns based on what I am seeing here. Firstly his comment about smacking a child is unreasonable - it seems he is already giving his daughter special powers because she is a child of divorce 

second his expectations of you are unreasonable. You can’t do anything right by this mans standards. What a miserable existence you must lead continuously trying to please him and decide which action is correct. That can’t be good for your mental health 

 

my third and biggest concern- both parents have accused you of harming this baby. Biomom has accused you on neglect and abuse. Dad says you can’t be trusted to put her to bed or take care of her because you are too rough with her- heck you don’t even have the privilege to rock her to sleep(note sarcastic voice) - this looks to me like your being set up to take the fall for something- accusations like that can follow you and effect your career and life. Further to this, with the parents already accusing you, as soon as she learns to talk properly you can bet she will be manipulated into an accusation and heck look at all the evidence and parental concerns against you! 

 

I strongly advise for you to get out and stay out. This sounds like a dangerous walking on eggshell scenario that you are in. Break up with him block him and move on. 

Rags's picture

and quit letting these toxic people get into  your head. Why on earth would you be hurt by anything this toxic POS crimial BM or anyone in her extended shallow and polluted gene pool has to say?  They are POS toxic people.  You on the other hand... are most definately not. 

Time to quit giving a flying rats ass about what they think or say.  If you are going to make a life with this man you must grow some testicular fortitude, nurture the growth of some testicular fortitude in him... and do whatever is required to protect the best interests of YOUR daughter.

And yes, I said YOUR daughter.  Kids are smart. And even a 2yo knows who Mommy is.  You are her mother.  The womb donor is just t hat... her womb donor.  The courts have named her as little more than that so why would you give her any more importance than the courts have already ruled regarding?

You cannot make effective decisions or analyze the situation with emotion.  No one can. Emotion is not an effective intellectual tool.  So.. box  up the "hurt" and go to war with t his POS BM and  her entire family.  Their opinions are not relevent nore are they important.  The only opinions that matter are yours, your SO's and the Courts.

I have lived my version of what you are experienced though I am a StepDad and not an SM.  I met my incredible bride when SS-25 was 15mos old.  Similar to your situation... I am the first one my Skid called "Dad(dy)"  He knew the SpermIdiot and always had visitation (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring) but he has also far more confidently known who his REAL father is and is sure as hell isn't the SpermIdiot.  Meanwhile back at the ranch and 20+ years later... SS asked me to adopt him.  We made that happen and now we have the papers clearly stipulating what has always been absolute and incontaverable fact.... I am his dad.

So, my advice is ... do whatever it takes to bring every legal, financial, social and public humiliation tool to bear and destroy BM and anyone else who thinks they have a say in shit for anything about your, YOUR daughter and  your SO.

If you and SO are going to be equity life partners then that makes  you both equity parents to any children in your home/relationship regardless of kid biology. 

One thing is for sure, SO needs to put a hand between his legs, grab a big old handful of man sack, and man up.  He owns BM's toxic ass. He has a CO clearly stipulating this so he needs to role it up and keep it handy to beat the snot out of BM with it when she steps out of line... All communication between SO and BM and her entire family other than that dealing directly with the health and welfare of the baby needs so stop immediately.  That SO has no balls in dealing with BM is as big a problem as BM is. So... charge SO with manning up and keep  your foot up  his ass to make sure he doesn't back off.

As for your 8 points... Nope.. you couldn't be more wrong .... Except for part of point #1 and maybe some of point #6.

1. I am aware that I did not give birth to baby/nor are entitled any parental rights to her.

True, you are not her womb donor. And no, you have no legal rights as a SParent. However, in real day to day life, you  have every right you choose to act on.  I engaged doctors, lawyers, etc, etc, etc... in parenting MY son.  I attended every parent teacher conference, I signed anything requiring parental signature, I am his dad. Period.  Even before he asked me to adopt  him when he was 22... I was his dad and I did what dads do.  There is no reason why you shoudn't..... if you and her father are to make a life together.

2. I will never be her mother.

Wrong... you already are.  She picked you because you are the one taking the actions of love and of a mother...... something her BM has never done. Too late to think  this now.  However, you can certainly back out by leaving the relationship.  So... you have some splaining and thinking to do.  So, whatcha gonna do?

3. I am replaceable and cannot screw up.

No you are not replaceable.  BM is. And you have already replaced her.  And yes...  you are human... you will screw up. If you aren't screwing up upon occassion you aren't learning and if you aren't learning you are failing.  So, get  this "I am replaceable" crap out of your head and out of  your vocabulary.  Do what you think is right and if that turns out not so well.... adjust and try again until you do get it right.

4. Baby and Father come before my feelings.

Abso-frickin-lutely-NOT!!!!   The adult relationship between equity life partners is what comes first, last, and always.  It is the ONLY top priority.  That said... children are the top relationship responsibility and the adults in the relationship have to take care of that responsibility... but the kid(s) are never nor should they ever be... a priority over the adult relationship or more important than the adult partner for either equity life partner.

You are right about feelings though... THEY .... DON'T..... MATTER!!!!!! What matters is effectively managing the situation at hand, establishing standards of reasonable behavior that you and SO will tolerate and act in accordance with, and working together in the best interest of  YOUR family. That family includes you, SO, the SkidBaby and any children that  you will have togther. BM is irrelevent and nothing more than a toxic pest to be eradicated or at least mitigated.

5. That includes BM, if BM isn't happy I've done wrong. 

WTF is this?  Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong... BM is the womb donor.  She has proven that she is nothing more and if anything else she is a toxic influence that needs to be very tightly managed.  Do not ever subjegate yourself to BM or any other element of this situation. If you are to make a life with this man then YOU are his only priofity just as he is yours. Any children are beneficiaries of that relationship but they are not a party to it and for F sake... BM gets absolutely ZERO say in anything that occurs in your relationship or marital home (if it goes to a wedding)..... EVER!!!! 

6. There is no competition between baby and I, that is sick.

This one you are right about... However, If SO every things otherwise.... you need to put your foot up his ass. (Figureatively of course). 

7. Am to freak no child after her different and I am not to reprimand her. 

I am assuming what you meant to type was "I am to treat no child after her different and I am not to reprimand her."  Again so far wrong that  you are not even on the same planet as reality.  Every child is different. Parents treat each child differently regardless of how many they may have.  That is just a fact of life and people who claim otherwise... are just idiots.

As for reprimanding... the superordinate element of the title of StepParent is .... the PARENT part. Step is just a descriptive prefix.  You are her parent no less than your SO and far superior to BM or anyone else in the mix.

So get this crap out of your head right now.

8. If Baby wants me gone at any point, I am to leave.

Really?  smh.  Not just wrong but... so wrong I have to ask what the hell you are thinking and why you are even in this relationship with this mind set.

Kids do what they are told when they are told to do it and what they want doesn't matter.... ever. Until they launch... they don't get a say.  You and SO will raise your children as you determine. PERIOD!  This baby is 2yo and can't even decide where she wants to take a crap for shit sake (pun intended).  Why on Earth would  you vacate a relationship over anything a kid, of any age, said or wanted?  Let me make this easy for you.. The answer is YOU DON'T.

Now for the rest of my opinion.

This baby needs no more or less love than any other.  So get that crap out of your head too. 

Never allow the FACT BM is a convict to fade from your mind or SO's mind.  EVER.  She is a waste and that is all she should be considered.

Now... having read your very LOOOOONG story... what the hell do you see in this asshole anyway?  He spawns with a bottom feeder and then is actively marginalizing the woman he says he intends to marry and have a family with (you), neuters you by telling you that you can't be this kids mother, he has no idea how to be a mother... hell... he is beyond clueless on being a man and a father, and you tolerate this crap?  I am beyond lost in why you are still in this picture.

You are a caring and wonderful mother and you don't even have children of your own. Pleas... do not attach your very bright star to this asshole and obviously shallow and polluted gene pools that the asshold and womb donor represent. You will not be able to safe this baby from her idiot parents and you should  not sacrifice  your own life on the alter of SParental martyrdom. EVER. 

Please just go. Do not take another call from this guy. Kiss this baby goodbye and go on to live  your life. Never again allow yourself to succomb to a persistent persuit by someone you know full well is not worthy of you.  You basically  said that was the case at the beginning of your story.

When the right man comes into your life, one who will put you first above all else, who will be a quality and equity life partner to  you, and will be a man and father of honor and character to raise a family with ... you will know it.

Just my thoughts of course.

Take care of you.

Sorry for my loooooooooong response.